Short & Sweet
by sheepish123
Summary: A collection of short, random chapters with a mixture of genres and ratings that will take place from seasons 13 to 19, and will center around the friendship and or/romance between Olivia Benson and Amanda Rollins. Some storylines will be one-shots and others may continue for a few chapters.
1. Temptation

**This is a series of random drabbles that I will add to from time to time in between working on my longer stories, to keep my creativity flowing and as a challenge to myself to write chapters that are much shorter in length and a lot more concise. I have a tendency to ramble when I write so I'm trying to keep this fic "short and sweet", so to speak. A few of my fellow authors have been doing their own series of drabbles lately and I am really enjoying them, so I thought I would give it a shot myself. :)**

 **These little chapters will mostly be centered around Olivia and Amanda but might include other characters from time to time, and will take place anywhere from season 13 to the present day. The genres and ratings will vary, depending on what I decide to write about. I hope you enjoy. :)**

 **Noah and Jesse don't exist in the first drabble.  
**

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 **Title : Temptation**

 **Genre : Hurt/comfort/friendship**

 **Rating : T**

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Amanda Rollins is standing drunkenly outside the casino on shaking legs, chain-smoking an entire package of cigarettes one right after the other until she crushes the small empty box between trembling fingers and drops it carelessly onto the ground. Her knees are knocking together in nervous anticipation, the excitement and dread coiling tightly into an uncomfortable knot inside her stomach and her vision blurring dangerously as she gazes up at the glowing neon sign of the building in front of her.

She has no idea what to do with her hands now that there are no cigarettes left to smoke, and the pads of her fingers brush cautiously up against the cell phone that is tucked into her pocket. Amanda's heart is pounding with a sickening speed against her ribs and a cold sweat has broken out along her hairline, pasting the golden locks to her forehead like glue. She knows she needs help right now; that if she doesn't call someone right this instant, her intended actions will result in disaster and she will plummet right back down to rock bottom as the addiction that she has been battling for so many years has reared its ugly head once again.

Amanda is very hesitant as she holds her phone in a clammy palm, quivering fingers scrolling through the list of names and trying to locate the one she is looking for; the only person she would dare call this late on a weeknight. Her partner has been there for her since day one and has seen her through many ups and down over the years, and although she usually tries to keep her problems to herself, this time they cannot be contained and she knows she is going to spiral downward very hard and very fast if she doesn't hear his voice on the other end of the line within the next minute.

Amanda's heart is in her throat as she listens to the shrill ringing, the sound particularly loud and obnoxious in her drunken state, and she is babbling almost incoherently as soon as she hears the person on the other end of the line pick up, not even waiting for a hello.

"Fin, I need your help," she gasps out desperately, beyond caring how pathetic and vulnerable she must sound, a far cry from her usual tough-as-nails cop demeanor.

Amanda's brow wrinkles in confusion when she doesn't hear an immediate response, the shuddering of her hand and the slippery sweat of her skin almost causing her to drop the phone, and her heart feels like it grinds to a complete halt inside her chest when the person on the other end of the line finally speaks, the distinctly female voice laced with sleep and concern.

"This isn't Fin."

Amanda wrenches the phone away from her ear and squints at the display screen with a bleary, tear-filled gaze, blue eyes widening in horror when she sees who she has called. "Ummm...s-sorry, Olivia," she stutters out, the realization that she has called her lieutenant in the middle of the night due to the pending relapse of her gambling addiction piercing straight through the booze-induced haze in her brain and causing a wave of panic to crash over her.

"What's going on, Amanda?" Olivia's tone is more alert now and holds only worry and compassion, neither of which Amanda is used to hearing from her boss, and the frown on her face deepens in perplexity.

"N-nothing's going on," she chokes out, unable to stop her tongue from tripping over itself as she tries to speak, not wanting the older woman to know that her subordinate is drunk off her ass at two o'clock in the morning on a Wednesday and is standing outside a casino with tears of shame trickling down her cheeks.

"Well, I think it's obvious that something is wrong, since you just asked for help. Is there anything I can help you with?" Olivia's voice is soothing and gentle and completely non-judgmental and the tears are flowing in earnest now, Amanda's face drenched in the salty liquid and a sob of despair bubbling up inside her throat.

She is calling herself every curse word she can think of inside her head, unable to believe that she is actually talking to her lieutenant right now instead of her partner, knowing that Olivia isn't going to let this go and will only call right back if Amanda decides to hang up on her. She inhales a deep quavering breath, intending on calmly explaining that she had simply called the wrong number and only needs Fin's assistance at the moment, but what comes out of her mouth is the complete opposite of what she had planned to say.

A deep, guttural wail works its way out from between her dry lips and Amanda claps a hand over her mouth in panicked mortification, her eyelids squeezing tightly closed as the sobs pour out one after another now, seemingly unable to be contained. She is aware that Olivia is speaking to her again and tries in vain to focus on her boss' pacifying tone, turning away from the curious gazes of fellow New Yorkers who are passing by on the sidewalk and huddling into the corner of the building.

"Amanda, sweetheart, just take a deep breath for me, okay?" Olivia instructs softly, and Amanda's face crumples at the surprisingly tender sound of the older woman's voice and the uncharacteristic use of the pet name. "Just try to calm down and tell me what's wrong. What's happening right now? Where are you?"

Amanda doesn't want to admit it; is loathe to actually say the words, but they come spilling out from between trembling lips seemingly without permission. "A-at a casino," she wheezes through her tears, dragging a shaking arm across soaking wet cheeks.

There is a brief silence and she winces in shame, biting down hard on her lower lip because she knows that Olivia is going to lay right into her; will likely berate her for being so weak and feeble and unable to keep her addiction under control, and she braces herself for the inevitable, shoulders hunching up to her ears in defense.

"Alright," Olivia replies simply, no condemnation whatsoever apparent in her tone, and Amanda's eyebrows raise high on her forehead in shock. "Tell me which casino you're at and I'll come get you."

 _"What?"_ Amanda is beyond stunned now, having trouble grasping onto the astonishing fact that her boss is actually going to drag herself out of bed on a work night to come to her pathetic detective's rescue and save her from this addiction that has appeared out of nowhere to consume her once again.

"Tell me where you are and I'll come get you," Olivia repeats softly but there is a certain urgency present in her tone, and Amanda can hear slight rustling sounds in the background, like the older woman has gotten out of bed and is getting dressed in a somewhat hurried manner.

"You don't have to do that," she protests in humiliation, although there is another emotion peeking up through the negativity now, and Amanda realizes that she is extremely grateful.

"I know I don't," Olivia responds in quiet sympathy, and there is a jingling of car keys coming through the line now. "I want to, Amanda. I want to help you."

"I n-need to gamble, Liv," Amanda finds herself crying out, unable to stop this rapid spill of shameful confessions at the kindness and generosity radiating from her lieutenant's voice. "I can't make the urges stop. I tried drinking them away and smoking them away, but they won't leave me alone." She pauses briefly to swallow down another sob of agony and distress. "I don't think you can help me. I don't think anyone can."

"Will you at least let me try?" Olivia whispers, and Amanda is shocked at the depth of emotion and empathy in the other woman's voice, a feeling of warmth unfurling inside her chest as her boss continues to speak. "Please let me try, sweetheart, okay?"

Amanda is exceptionally hesitant, debating whether or not to let the other woman assist and support her during her time of need, when this had not been her intention at all; when the only person she had been planning on having as a witness to her dramatic meltdown was her partner. She had certainly not been prepared for her lieutenant to be present during this awkward situation, but this is the way things have turned out and Olivia is here for her now, offering her compassion and understanding, whether she had planned for it or not.

"Okay," Amanda finally whispers back, her eyelids fluttering closed in exhaustion and the tears finally coming to a stop, a hint of hopeful relief creeping up through the darkness.


	2. Temptation Part 2

**I've received a few requests to continue the first drabble, so this is part 2. :) Just a reminder that Noah and Jesse don't exist in this part, but I will likely include them in some future drabbles.**

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 **Title : Temptation Part 2**

 **Genre : Hurt/comfort/friendship**

 **Rating : T**

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Olivia Benson's car screeches to a stop at the curb outside of the casino and it takes a minute to locate her detective in the crowd of people milling around on the sidewalk, her somewhat frantic gaze swinging every which way as she cranes her neck while trying to spot Amanda. Her dark eyes finally zero in on the small, huddled form of the younger woman, Amanda leaning against the side of the building with her shoulders hunched up to her ears and her hands shoved far into the pockets of the light jacket she is wearing.

Olivia frowns deeply as she sits in the driver's seat and briefly observes the other woman's slumped posture before getting out of the vehicle to make her way through the throng of people who are out partying like it's a Saturday night instead of the middle of a work week. The vulnerability and shame seem to be rolling off of Amanda in giant waves, and a curtain of long blonde hair obscures her expression as Olivia walks up to her and lays a gentle hand on the detective's upper arm.

Amanda flinches violently in response and roughly yanks her arm away from Olivia's touch, looking like she is lost in her own little world and is quite surprised to see Olivia standing there in front of her, even though they had just spoken on the phone not too long ago. The other woman is obviously very drunk, big blue eyes red-rimmed and glassy, extremely unsteady on her feet as she almost loses her balance when she wrenches her arm free from Olivia's grasp, the smell of booze and the stench of cigarette smoke wafting through the air around her.

"Hey, it's okay, it's just me, Amanda. It's just Olivia," she says soothingly, holding her hands in the air for a moment before cautiously lowering them partway down and reaching out slowly to touch the blonde detective again, Amanda swaying alarmingly on her feet.

"What are you doing here, Liv?" Amanda murmurs in apparent confusion, her thin body shivering like it's the middle of winter, even though summer is less than a month away.

"I'm here to take you home," Olivia tells her colleague softly, relieved when Amanda doesn't pull away from her this time and ready to leap forward to catch her co-worker if she loses her footing and slips.

"But Fin was supposed to come," the other woman mutters, frowning up at her in perplexity, small hands scrabbling at the front of Olivia's coat as if trying to find something to hold onto her in severely inebriated state.

Olivia grasps Amanda's clammy hands in her own and squeezes them quickly before wrapping an arm around the younger woman's waist with the intention of leading her toward the car. "No, sweetheart, you called me, remember?" she reminds her gently. "I know it was an accident and you meant to call Fin, but I'm here now and I'm going to help you, okay?"

"Liv, I can't go into the casino," Amanda mumbles drunkenly, gesturing vaguely toward the building they are slowly walking away from. "Don't let me go inside, okay?"

"I promise I won't let you go in there," Olivia assures her very firmly, continuing to guide the trembling woman through the crowd and stopping on the curb next to her vehicle. "We're going to leave right now and I'm going to drive you home."

She unlocks the car and reaches over to open the passenger side door with one hand, the other still wrapped tightly around Amanda's waist, noticing that the younger woman's fingers are now clutching onto the sleeve of her coat with a surprisingly strong grip that only becomes more pronounced as Olivia gently begins to lower the smaller woman into the vehicle. Amanda is suddenly pressing herself against the front of her body like she is never going to let go, quivering arms winding their way around Olivia's back and clinging onto the material of her jacket with desperate, fumbling fingers.

Olivia's brow furrows in concern and she feels something tear inside her chest at the smaller woman's intense and uncharacteristic neediness, raising them both back up to their full heights before enveloping Amanda in her embrace and holding onto her tightly for a moment, ignoring everyone passing by on the sidewalk and focusing all of her attention on the woman in her arms.

"It's okay, sweetheart, I'm here, I've got you," she murmurs into Amanda's ear, unsure of why this particular pet name keeps slipping out of her mouth but feeling an overwhelming wave of protectiveness and care toward her younger colleague.

Amanda is shivering intensely against her now and Olivia's arms tighten around her in response, trying again to lower the other woman down into the passenger seat. "I need you to sit down in the car now, okay, Amanda?" she instructs gently. "You're freezing cold and I'm going to put the heat on to get you warmed up, alright?"

"Okay, Liv," Amanda mumbles into her neck but doesn't loosen the grip she has on the back of Olivia's coat, the two of them remaining entwined together in a semi-standing position on the curb.

"You're going to have to let go of me so we can both get into the car, okay?" Olivia says softly, a hint of guilt piercing through her as she reaches around to try and unclench Amanda's fingers from her jacket, the other woman so obviously needing comfort at the moment and wanting to remain cuddled up against Olivia's body.

She successfully removes Amanda's death grip from her the back of her coat and wraps her arms around the blonde detective again, hugging her briefly as a gesture of apology for withdrawing her comfort when the younger woman is so clearly craving it, but needing to get Amanda off the street and into the warm vehicle and away from the casino that is threatening to send her addiction spiraling out of control once again.

Olivia is relieved when her co-worker finally loosens her grip long enough for her to get Amanda seated into the car and safely buckled up, before hurrying around the front of the vehicle and getting in on the driver's side. Her stomach clenches in sympathy and concern when she notices that Amanda is slumped in the next seat and covering her face with her hands, the tears having started up again, small shoulders shaking as she cries quietly.

"Amanda, it's okay, sweetheart," she soothes, running a hand over the bent blonde head and stroking back a curtain of golden hair so she can see the other woman's expression. "Can you tell me what's wrong?"

"Fin is supposed to be here right now, not you, Liv," Amanda sobs brokenly into her hands. "You're not supposed to know that I'm a failure; that I'm nothing but a giant fuck-up."

"You're not a failure and you didn't fuck up," Olivia assures her softly, continuing to smooth her hand over the rumpled blonde hair and tucking a long strand behind a delicate ear. "You were strong enough not to go into that casino. You called someone when you needed help. You called before you did anything, which is an amazingly brave thing to do, Amanda. And even if you had gone in there, it still doesn't make you a failure. You have an addiction."

Amanda turns away from Olivia to press herself as close as possible to the inside of the car door, her entire body shuddering with emotion and radiating an immense amount of shame, and Olivia shifts over in her seat as far as she can before laying a gentle hand on the other woman's quivering back. "Can you talk to me, Amanda? Can you tell me what's going on? What made you come here tonight?"

"I don't know, Liv," Amanda whispers, her voice choked with tears and making it harder for Olivia to understand what she is saying. "I don't even know why I came here tonight."

"You don't know? Or you don't want to tell me?" Olivia questions very softly, her heart aching in her chest as Amanda glances over her shoulder and reveals a puffy, tearstained face, big blue eyes wide and full of sorrow and despair.

"I know I'm your lieutenant and we don't always see eye to eye, but you can talk to me, Amanda," she continues quietly, needing her colleague to know that she is safe and secure in Olivia's presence, and that she will listen without judgment to whatever the small detective has to say. "Do you want to come back to my place for the rest of the night? I can put on a pot of coffee and we can chat."

Amanda's brow is deeply wrinkled, looking completely torn as if she doesn't know whether to accept this offer or not, the tears rolling one after the other down her pale cheeks without abating. "But it's the middle of the night, Liv," she protests, breath hitching in her throat as she speaks. "I've already made you get out of bed to come all the way over here to pick me up. And we have to work tomorrow."

"I think it might be a good idea for you to take the day off, sweetheart," Olivia suggests gently, stroking the pad of her thumb lightly underneath one of Amanda's swollen eyes to wipe away another tear that is threatening to fall. "And you don't need to worry about me. I'll be fine. You're my only concern at the moment, okay?"

Amanda is staring at her intently now, chin trembling violently as she tries to hold herself together, long blonde hair windblown and unkempt, the expression on her face unreadable but her body language indicating the need for comfort once again as she leans slightly toward Olivia. She obliges the younger woman instantly, enveloping Amanda tenderly in her embrace and feeling the small detective lay her head heavily down upon her shoulder as if she is too exhausted and weary to remain upright.

"So what do you say?" she whispers hopefully into Amanda's ear, overcome with a powerful urge to keep her colleague safe and sound for the night, and not at all comfortable with leaving her alone. "Do you want to come home with me?

Olivia is very relieved when she feels the answering nod against her shoulder, Amanda's arms tightening around her in response, and she hugs the smaller woman back before gently pulling away to start the car.


	3. Temptation Part 3

**I've decided to continue the storyline of the first two drabbles, so this will be the third and final part of this particular plotline, although this chapter is longer than the other two so I guess it can't really be counted as a drabble anymore, lol. The next drabble will be something different (and shorter), as I have a humorous and lighthearted scenario in mind. :)**

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 **Title : Temptation Part 3**

 **Genre : Hurt/comfort/friendship**

 **Rating : T**

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Amanda is huddled up in the passenger seat of Olivia's car, her quivering body turned sideways so that her forehead is resting against the hard surface of the window pane and her back is to the older woman as she drives, too ashamed to turn around and face her lieutenant, even though she is very thankful and relieved as more distance is put between her and the casino. She has sobered up slightly since Olivia had all but dragged her away from the gambling establishment and into the vehicle, but she is still aware of the alcohol buzzing in her veins and can smell the cigarette smoke clinging to her hair and clothing, feeling a hint of guilt for stinking up the inside of her boss' pristine car with the foul odor.

There are still stray tears that come welling up in Amanda's eyes to slide down her cheeks, even though she has been able to stop with the uncontrollable sobbing, and she lets her long hair fall down over her face to obscure her expression, not wanting Olivia to know that she isn't quite done with the drunken crying just yet. She can't hide anything from the other woman, though, and feels Olivia's hand rubbing in a gentle manner up and down her back from time to time, murmuring soothing words that Amanda doesn't quite catch because the booze combined with her memories of the past and the ensuing strong emotions are not letting her pay complete attention to her superior.

The tone of Olivia's voice is quite melodic and tender, though, and provides a comforting background noise that is thankfully somewhat distracting from the disturbing images that are playing through her mind and the guilt and regret she feels for accidentally calling her boss in the middle of the night instead of her partner. Amanda is still in disbelief that Olivia had simply gotten out of bed and left her apartment in the wee hours of the morning to rescue her inebriated subordinate from an impending relapse with her gambling addiction without chastising her in any way or showing any sign whatsoever of anger or disappointment.

She is feeling an odd mix of emotions toward Olivia at the moment; extreme embarrassment and the urge to hide mingling in with the very disconcerting need to climb right into her lieutenant's lap while she drives, so that Olivia can wrap Amanda up in her warm and safe embrace once again. The thought of actually wanting to do that; to squeeze herself in between the steering wheel and Olivia's body and slide a leg over Olivia's thighs so that Amanda is straddling the older woman's lap with her face pressed securely into the brunette's neck so that Olivia can wind her arms around her back, causes a blush of mortification to spread across Amanda's pale cheeks.

She is not usually one to allow herself to be coddled and babied when life gets rough, as she is used to taking care of things on her own and picking herself right back up and dusting herself off before carrying on with things in her usual stoic, unflappable manner, but this time is different. Olivia has been showing her such care and concern and it is really starting to get to Amanda; is affecting her in a way she doesn't like because she finds herself craving more of it, even though she doesn't want to be seen as someone who is weak and incapable.

Olivia has taken one hand off the steering wheel again to trail her fingers in soft circles across Amanda's back, and she finds herself leaning into the older woman's touch once more, a pleasant tingling sensation radiating throughout her body as the pads of Olivia's fingers massage her scalp very briefly and stroke through long strands of blonde hair before resuming the previous position on the steering wheel. Amanda almost weeps in disappointment at the loss of the brunette's touch and turns in her seat to glance at the older woman, chin trembling violently and eyes pooling with unshed tears, unable to bring herself to ask for more of the comfort that she is craving so much, despite the alcohol that is still coursing steadily through her system, the booze usually allowing her to do things that she normally wouldn't.

The words are right there on the tip of her tongue as her lips part to voice what she needs, her body betraying her by shifting closer to Olivia on the seat, but Amanda freezes suddenly when the brunette's eyes meet her own, losing her courage as a frown of concern crosses Olivia's tired features.

"What is it, sweetheart?" her boss asks softly. "What's wrong? Tell me what you need."

Amanda wants to tell Olivia that she needs so many things right now; for the memories of her past to be obliterated, for the addiction that has plagued her for the better part of her adult life to disappear, and for the older woman to hold Amanda so gently in her arms again because Olivia's presence is the only thing that has been keeping her from shattering completely to pieces that night.

"You can tell me," Olivia says quietly, as she seems to sense Amanda's hesitation and unease with the situation. "What's going on with you, Amanda? Can you help me understand what's happening here? Can you tell me what has changed so drastically in the last several hours? You were fine when you left the precinct at the end of the day. Did something happen after work?"

Amanda finds herself at a loss for words, her mind spinning with different thoughts and emotions and memories, the alcohol inducing an intense wave of dizziness and nausea. Olivia seems to realize that her rapid-fire questions are overwhelming Amanda in her drunken state and she reaches out to squeeze her arm briefly, very quick to apologize.

"I'm sorry, Amanda," she states gently, their eyes locking together once again as Olivia's gaze momentarily leaves the road to focus on her employee with unconcealed worry. "Can you just tell me what has changed between then and now? Are you able to do that?"

"The date," Amanda confesses in a hushed whisper, before she can stop herself. "The date changed."

"Okay..." Olivia's voice trails off when she speaks again, the other woman quite obviously confused.

"Yesterday was okay but today isn't. When yesterday became today, it wasn't okay anymore," Amanda rambles drunkenly, aware that her explanation is perplexing and incoherent but unable to make herself speak properly. "At midnight, it all changed. I was laying in bed, hoping to be asleep when the clock switched over, but I wasn't. I watched the numbers change and then yesterday was gone and today was here."

She is aware that Olivia has put her blinker on and is maneuvering the car over to the side of the road even though they are not that far from her apartment building now. When the vehicle is put into park and the car is turned off, the darkness and silence permeates the inside of the automobile as they stare intently at each other, the brunette shifting over in her seat to lay a gentle hand on Amanda's arm.

"What's today, sweetheart?" Olivia asks softly, her gaze radiating a patient sympathy. "Why is this date so important to you?"

"It's a date that I want to forget," Amanda mutters, shrugging her shoulders as those feelings seem to be at war with one another once again; simultaneously wanting to exit the vehicle and make a run for it while at the same time wanting to throw herself into Olivia's arms and never let go. "I thought it would be okay because work has been so busy and I haven't been thinking about it as much lately."

"Thinking about what?" Olivia inquires gently, smoothing the back of her knuckles along Amanda's cheekbone.

"Gambling is the only way I can make the memories stop," Amanda mumbles, choosing to ignore the question. "It was what I used to do back when it was still fresh, when it had just happened. It helped a lot, but then it got out of control and I had a new problem on my hands."

She pauses for a brief moment because her brain feels like it is about to explode with all the pent up emotions and the supreme effort it is taking to try and explain all of this to Olivia while she is so intoxicated. "I went right to the casino tonight to try and make the memories go away, just like I used to do, but then I realized that I couldn't let myself relapse just because of some stupid date on the goddamn calendar. So I started drinking and smoking to make it stop, and then I tried to call Fin when those things didn't seem to be working."

Amanda lets out a deep and weary sigh, rubbing her hands over her face in an exhausted manner and feeling like the weight of the world is resting upon her small shoulders. "It's a vicious cycle that never seems to end. It's just one thing after another."

"Why is this a date that you want to forget, Amanda?" Olivia ask intently, her hands having slid up to Amanda's shoulders, fingers digging lightly into tense muscles and massaging gently like she is trying to induce some kind of relaxation.

"Because it's an anniversary of sorts," Amanda whispers, biting down on the inside of her cheek very hard because there are images in her mind now that she can't seem to stop; and those urges to gamble, to drink, to throw herself into Olivia's arms, to do absolutely anything she can to make those images go away are overwhelming in their intensity.

"It's a bad anniversary, though," she adds in a choked tone, dragging the back of her arm roughly across her eyes to rid herself of the tears that have welled up again. "It's not something to celebrate. And it's something that I relive every single year on this date."

"Oh, Amanda." Olivia's voice is one of hushed empathy when she speaks, her tone indicating that she is most likely aware of what Amanda is referring to, and her hands slide up to tenderly brace against both sides of her face. "Is this about your former deputy chief? Are you talking about when Patton hurt you, sweetheart? Is that the date you're referring to?"

Amanda is suddenly overcome with a wave of emotion so immense that it cannot be contained inside the small vehicle and her brain is screaming for fresh air, her body begging to be let out of this confined space and away from this conversation that she no longer wants any part of. She twists out of Olivia's grasp with a broken sob and wrenches the door open, stumbling out into the cool night air on trembling legs that threaten to collapse and pitch her forward onto the hard pavement as soon as she puts the slightest amount of weight upon them.

Amanda is aware of Olivia calling her name in a frantic manner as she wobbles away on clumsy feet, not even sure where she is going or if she even cares where she ends up; just that she needs to get away from here and from her life in general. There are tears clogging her throat and streaming down her cheeks now as her mind is assaulted by images that she would give anything to forget, Amanda's foot catching on a stray rock and sending her careening toward the ground, when she is suddenly stopped by strong arms wrapping themselves around her from behind and hoisting her back up to her feet.

Amanda bends over at the waist with her hands on her knees, crying uncontrollably in giant gasping sobs while Olivia continues to hold onto her tightly, the older woman's arms wound securely around her ribs and her chin resting briefly on Amanda's shoulder before she begins slowly maneuvering them back toward the car. Instead of helping her into the passenger seat like she had earlier, Amanda finds herself being shepherded into the back of the vehicle, Olivia immediately sliding in next to her and hooking one arm around her back and another beneath her knees to lift Amanda into her lap.

Amanda melts right into Olivia's warm embrace, slumping against the other woman's body and grabbing fistfuls of her jacket while she sobs, her face pushed into the soft skin of Olivia's neck and her loud cries muffled by her lieutenant's thick brown tresses. Olivia doesn't even try to speak to her; just rocks Amanda back and forth soothingly, one hand petting over windblown locks of blonde hair and tucking the unruly strands behind a delicate ear while she presses a tender kiss to her forehead.

Amanda sobs hard for several minutes, her small body quivering with all of the pent-up emotion that she so rarely lets loose and Olivia just waiting patiently for her to finish. When the last of the tears have finally stopped rolling down her cheeks, Amanda is a shuddering heap of exhausted limbs in Olivia's lap, her head lolling heavily on the other woman's shoulder and clutching weakly onto the brunette's arms as if she is afraid that her boss will suddenly abandon her after such an intense display of emotion.

"Did that make you feel a bit better?" Olivia asks softly into her ear, and Amanda nods tiredly, her swollen eyelids fluttering closed and her small body so relaxed in the older woman's arms that she feels like she is now on the verge of falling asleep.

"I think you really needed that, sweetheart," Olivia continues quietly, stroking back a golden strand of hair that is stuck to her damp cheek. "I think it was good for you to get everything out like that. I had no idea you were going through this, Amanda, and I know that calling me tonight was an accident, but I'm so glad that you called me instead of Fin."

"Me too," Amanda says sincerely, as she realizes that there is no other person in the world she would rather be with right now, her hold around Olivia tightening somewhat as the grateful appreciation she feels is now beginning to outweigh the guilt and embarrassment that she has about the situation.

The older woman grips her back in return and puts a gentle hand on Amanda's chin, tilting her head up so their gazes lock with one another. "You know what we're going to do right now?" she replies in a soothing tone. "We're going to go back to my place and I'm going to tuck you into bed for a good night's sleep. Then I'm going to put on a big pot of coffee in the morning and we're going to share breakfast while you talk to me about anything that you need to, okay? I'm not going to let you spend this day alone."

"But, Liv, you have to work in a few hours," Amanda protests weakly, Olivia putting a finger quickly to her lips before that guilt and embarrassment can come bubbling back up the surface again, the worry that Amanda is taking her lieutenant away from her job and forcing her to spend time with a subordinate who seems to be hovering right on the edge of her sanity, the memories from her time in Atlanta fresh in her mind as if they are taking place right this minute.

"You let me worry about that, okay?" Olivia responds softly, and the sympathy and kindness radiating from the older woman's dark gaze is almost enough to make the tears start up again. "You're my number one priority right now, and there's no way I'm leaving you alone for the day."

Amanda is overcome with a wave of wonder and gratitude, so thankful that she will not be alone in her torment on this horrible anniversary of sorts; that she will not be spending this day fighting her addiction in a casino or drinking her worries away in a bar, but in Olivia's warm and welcoming apartment with a woman who has shown her nothing but compassion and understanding since Amanda had mistakenly called her in drunken confusion.

"So, what do you say?" Olivia questions gently, repeating what she had said earlier in the car. "Do you want to come home with me? We'll get a good sleep and have a big breakfast and talk about anything you want."

Amanda gives an immediate nod, the first smile of the night creeping across her face as Olivia gives her one in return, gracing her with another comforting hug before they complete the short journey back to older woman's building, Amanda safe and secure in the knowledge that she is no longer alone with her demons.


	4. Cinema Shenanigans

**This is the fourth drabble for my little series (although I guess they can't be called "drabbles" anymore because they are too long) and it has nothing to do with the first three – it's a completely separate storyline. Sorry for the weirdness and confusion with this series, lol! I know some people wanted me to continue on with the first storyline, but I wanted to end it there because I'm working on a different in-depth fic that deals with the aftermath of what took place between Amanda and Patton. I already have ideas for the fifth, sixth, and seventh chapters of this series and I'm trying to switch up the ratings and genres for each one.**

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 **Title : Cinema Shenanigans**

 **Genre : Romance/Humor**

 **Rating : M**

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Olivia Benson shifts uneasily in her plush movie theater seat, unable to find a position that is comfortable enough to settle down and appreciate the romantic comedy that has just begun playing on the giant screen in front of her. It is Friday night and the room is jam packed with fellow New Yorkers ready to enjoy the weekend after a long week of work, the smell of freshly popped popcorn drifting through the air and the din of conversation winding down to a few scattered whispers and giggles as the characters on screen start speaking.

Amanda Rollins is perched on the chair beside her, the armrest pulled up between them and the seats reclined so they are laying back at a leisurely and cozy angle, a light blanket spread out across both of their laps. This theater is brand new and is geared toward adults, having only opened a few weeks ago and sparing absolutely no expense, and they have been delighting in all of the fancy upgrades of the place, including the large glasses of white wine they are currently sipping on. There is a big bucket of flavored popcorn resting on the blanket between them, and every so often Amanda's fingers brush up against her own when they both reach for the salty snack at the same time.

Despite the relaxed atmosphere of the establishment, the fact that another long and busy work week is thankfully behind them, and that she already a little buzzed from the alcohol, Olivia is finding that she is unable to loosen up and unwind, and the reason for that is the woman sitting right next her. Every time she sneaks a glance over at Amanda, the other woman is staring right back at her with a mischievous smile playing at the corners of her lips, cerulean blue eyes twinkling with mirth and the effects of her wine and something else, something deeper and desirous; a lustful expression that promises the evening will not be ending when the movie is done.

After dancing back and forth with each other for longer than Olivia can remember, they had finally decided to officially start dating a month prior, when Amanda had been the one to work up enough courage to ask her out. They have been keeping their relationship a secret from everyone, even Fin and Carisi, although Olivia suspects that both men know exactly what is going on and are just too tactful to bring it up. Between their busy and demanding jobs as lieutenant and detective, and raising very active toddlers without the help of a spouse or partner, it doesn't leave much time to be alone or to partake in many adult activities.

Noah and Jesse are at home with babysitters tonight, and Olivia is both nervous and excited at the prospect of spending an entire evening with Amanda, the anticipation of what is to come enough to cause butterfly wings to beat rapidly inside her stomach. Aside from the occasional heated make-out session in the privacy of Olivia's office and the wandering of sneaky fingers underneath clothing when they actually have a moment to themselves, the physical part of their relationship has been practically non-existent for the past few weeks, never having the opportunity to get much past the starting line.

Olivia can feel it stirring deep within her gut even while they are surrounded by all of these people; the intense need to be with Amanda in a physical way obliterating absolutely everything else in her mind, and she is painfully aware that her libido seems to have turned into that of a teenage boy lately, the feelings she has for the blonde woman awakening something buried inside of her that has been lying dormant for years now. Amanda has apparently been feeling the same way, as the small detective's fingers keep tiptoeing past the bucket of popcorn and into Olivia's lap, and she curses the fact that they are in this damn public theater instead of somewhere private, those feelings that are simmering steadily inside of her threatening to explode if they aren't taken care of very soon. She forgets which one of them had the stupid idea to come here instead of ensconcing themselves someplace where they could be alone, and Olivia rolls her eyes when she realizes that she needs to keep herself under control for another two hours.

Amanda is looking extremely enticing this evening, the younger woman having taken great care with her appearance before going out; long blonde hair curled softly around her shoulders, the color of her short summer dress perfectly matching her big blue eyes, and Olivia has wondered more than once why the detective had chosen to wear a dress to the movie theater, as it can't be very comfortable to sit in for any length of time. As if the other woman is reading her mind, Amanda suddenly taps her on the knee and motions for her to lean closer, when Olivia glances over at her colleague.

"Guess what?" Amanda whispers seductively into her ear, the silky tone of the detective's voice causing a shiver to race down Olivia's spine.

"What?" she whispers back, aware that her own voice is catching in her throat as she speaks.

Amanda smirks suggestively at her, like she is immensely enjoying the affect she is having on her boss, and places her lips closer to Olivia's ear. "I have a surprise for you."

Olivia merely raises her eyebrows in response, choosing not to respond verbally, as the sound blaring from the speakers is increasing in volume and she doesn't want to give Amanda the satisfaction of knowing that just sitting this close to the other woman and having the detective whisper in her ear is causing her to become completely undone. She can feel tiny beads of moisture forming along her hairline as her heart rate picks up speed inside her chest, her panties beginning to dampen uncomfortably, but Olivia decides that she is going to play it cool and keep her reputation as a calm, unflappable lieutenant intact.

She shrugs nonchalantly and cups a hand around her ear to indicate that not only is she is having trouble hearing Amanda's voice but she is not at all intrigued about what the surprise could possibly be, and Amanda smirks again, the broadening grin of her lips indicating that she doesn't believe Olivia's casual indifference for a second. The detective's eyebrow is arched playfully as she crooks a small finger in Olivia's direction, beckoning for her to lean in even closer, and Olivia's stomach muscles clench tightly when she feels the pad of a thumb circling slowly and repeatedly around her kneecap before venturing higher up her leg.

She grits her teeth slightly, wishing they were anywhere but here, and shifts over on the seat so that her body is pressed up snugly against Amanda's and they are shoulder to shoulder and thigh to thigh. Amanda has her lips hovering right next to Olivia's ear, the detective's warm breath puffing onto the overheated skin of her neck, and Olivia's limbs give an abrupt jolt when she feels a hot tongue swipe briefly across the outer shell of her ear before Amanda is speaking again.

"Don't you want to know what the surprise is?" the younger woman murmurs in a low, sultry tone, and Olivia has to suppress another shiver as she shrugs lightly once more.

"I'm trying to watch the movie," she mutters back, inclining her head toward the screen, where two women with long blonde hair and bronze tans who are clad only in their underwear are engaging in a somewhat erotic pillow fight, and she stifles a sigh as this scene is definitely not helping matters.

"Oh, I'm sorry, am I ruining the movie-going experience for you?" Amanda asks innocently, and Olivia's eyelids flutter closed as she feels two slim fingers walking themselves teasingly up her thigh.

"No, but you might be ruining it for other people," Olivia replies softly, her point instantly made as she hears the sound of a someone clearing their throat loudly from behind them, the noise indicating irritation and impatience. "People paid a lot of money to be here tonight and probably don't want to listen to you talk through the whole film."

"Always a stickler for the rules, aren't you, Liv?" Amanda snickers quietly, and Olivia feels the other woman take ahold of her hand beneath the blanket. "Okay, how about I stop talking and just show you what the surprise is? You can feel it for yourself."

Olivia's heart is suddenly pounding wildly in her chest as Amanda encircles her trembling fingers with her own steady ones and guides Olivia's hand deeper under the blanket, coming to a stop on satiny bare skin that is warm and smooth. Her breath catches sharply in her throat when realizes that Amanda's legs are spread slightly open and that Olivia's fingers are resting on the smaller woman's inner thigh, her knuckles brushing against the cotton material of the blue dress that is bunched up much higher than it should be, an enticing heat emanating from closely above.

The racing speed of Olivia's heart cannot be contained when she understands just what exactly her surprise is; that Amanda had apparently decided to forgo panties when she had chosen her outfit for the evening, and that blonde detective is entirely bare beneath the short dress she is wearing. Olivia tries to gulp down the large lump that seems to have taken up residence inside of her throat and immediately stills her fingers, making sure they don't move even an inch in any direction, but particularly north.

She can hear Amanda's breathy giggle right beside her, the smaller woman laying her head down upon Olivia's shoulder and wrapping an arm around her waist, the two of them snuggled up together just like a lot of other couples in the theater are doing, aside from the fact that Olivia's fingers are resting extremely close to her date's unclothed core. She knows that if she stretches the digits out even the slightest amount, they will be brushing against an area she has never touched before, and Olivia has never felt so conflicted in her entire life. As the very respected lieutenant of the Special Victims Unit, she shouldn't even be contemplating doing something like this in a public place and is inwardly cursing Amanda for putting her in this awkward position, the annoyance and amusement and arousal mixing together in a confusing swirl of emotions.

She can feel the pad of Amanda's thumb brushing softly up and down her ribs and is very aware that the younger woman's legs have fallen open even further in a deliciously inviting manner, Olivia's fingers flexing the tiniest bit in response before she can stop them. They encounter an alluringly damp heat at the inner crease of Amanda's thigh and Olivia blows out a quick breath as she runs the tip of one finger slowly back and forth along the burning hot skin, the digit seemingly having a mind of its own.

She hears a very soft intake of breath beside her and feels the toned arm around her waist tightening ever so slightly, but other than that, Amanda gives no indication that she is paying much attention to anything Olivia is doing, the detective apparently deciding to be on her best behavior now that her girlfriend has received her surprise. She squeezes her eyes shut, knowing full well that what they are doing is extremely inappropriate and if they are caught there will be hell to pay, but against her better judgment Olivia lets a bent finger begin gliding upwards, waiting for her knuckle to trail very gently between heated folds and expecting to encounter a sticky pool of wetness at any second.

The anticipation of what is to come; the thrill of doing something that she knows is so terribly wrong but feels so incredibly right, is overtaking every single bit of the common sense that Olivia prides herself in, and just as she is reaching her goal, the glass of wine that is perched on the tiny table next to her seat and the likely culprit of this undignified behavior, is suddenly knocked to the floor with a loud shattering of glass.

"Shit, sorry about that," the large man sitting on the other side of the minuscule table whispers apologetically, as he shifts in his seat and rubs his elbow. "Do you want me to get someone to clean that up?"

Olivia is too stunned to react for a moment, her breath caught in her throat and her heart ceasing to beat inside her chest as her fingers freeze between Amanda's legs. She is aware of the other woman leaning over her prone, terror-stricken body to speak to their fellow movie-goer, her voice smooth as honey and her demeanor calm as can be, while one small hand drifts below the blanket to smoothy pull Olivia's fingers away from her nether region.

"No, that's okay, we'll get someone on our way out," Amanda explains in a whispered, measured tone, and Olivia can see the detective's lip turned up ever so slightly at one corner. "We were just leaving, anyway. What a boring movie, huh?"

"Boring?" the man repeats in an incredulous whisper, his eyebrows lifting in surprise. "This is the funniest movie I've ever seen!"

"Oh, really? Well, I guess I just haven't been paying much attention, then," Amanda replies innocently as she glances at Olivia with a perfectly straight face, and laughter crescendos around them in response to something that has just taken place on the screen.

When they make it out into the lobby, Olivia's legs noticeably shaking and her knees practically knocking together as her body tries to come down from the shock of almost getting caught, Amanda flags down an usher to tell him that there is a mess in theater three, before turning toward Olivia and holding out a hand with a flirtatious smile gracing her lips and a merry twinkle in her eye.

"Seeing as you didn't get to enjoy your surprise, how about we go somewhere a little more private so you can finish what you started?" Amanda suggests lightly, arching an inviting eyebrow at her and linking their fingers together.

"Yeah...sure...that would be good..." Olivia stammers out in reply, the shock and excitement of the situation slowly dissipating, but that annoyance and amusement and arousal still at war with one another, the varying emotions making her head spin as she lets the younger woman pull her toward the nearest exit.

Amanda Rollins has always kept her on her toes, and Olivia suspects that she is going to have her hands full with this new relationship.


	5. Safe

**This chapter takes place in the 15th season, between "Surrender Benson" and "Imprisoned Lives", when Olivia is on leave from the precinct after Lewis kidnaps her for the first time.**

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 **Title : Safe**

 **Genre : Hurt/comfort/friendship**

 **Rating : T**

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Amanda Rollins paces uncertainly back and forth outside of the apartment building, repeatedly clenching and unclenching her sweaty fists in a nervous pattern of behavior, unable to recall ever feeling quite like this before. She is extremely sure of herself the majority of the time and very rarely lacks in confidence, her boldness and spunk allowing her to go far in life, but her usual courage seems to be failing her in this moment and she is unsure if she will be able to walk through those doors and press the buzzer.

She is standing outside the home of Olivia Benson, her sergeant and a woman she has looked up to for the past few years, someone she considers a friend even though she is not sure if her colleague would agree, and if she is being totally honest with herself, a woman that she doesn't have entirely platonic feelings for. Amanda has not seen Olivia for a whole month, not since the older woman had been kidnapped and tortured by William Lewis, not even communicating with her at all for that entire span of time, and she feels the guilt prickle just beneath her skin like a buzzing electric shock, all too aware of the fact that every single one of her co-workers have been in contact with the other woman during that time period; everyone except her.

Amanda is not quite sure why she has held back from communicating with Olivia for the past few weeks, but assumes that it is a complicated mix of reasons; not wanting to bother the brunette during her period of rest, fearing rejection if she approaches Olivia to offer a listening ear, her own memories of what had happened with her deputy chief back in Atlanta rearing their ugly head, and unwilling to acknowledge just how deeply she feels for her colleague. She doesn't want to admit to herself that jealousy over Olivia's current relationship with Brian Cassidy is also playing a big part in her avoidance of the brunette after Olivia's traumatic four days in captivity, because the shame would be too much to bear; that Amanda has ignored a co-worker in need because she desperately wishes that Olivia was in a relationship with her instead.

She takes a deep breath and resolves to put aside all of her worries and doubts and just focus on how Olivia has been managing since the horrific ordeal with Lewis, determinedly striding toward the door and swinging it open, letting a slightly shaking finger hover over the buzzer of the older woman's unit number before pressing down firmly and waiting with bated breath for an answer.

It takes so long for Olivia to respond that Amanda is just turning around to leave, a concerned frown pulling her eyebrows deeply together, when there is a gravelly noise from behind her, like someone is clearing their throat roughly and Olivia's murmured, somewhat slurred tone comes through the speaker.

"Yeah, hello?"

"Um, hey, Liv," Amanda replies hesitantly, wondering if she has woken the other woman from sleep, even though it is still quite early in the evening, or if she has interrupted something between the brunette and Brian, her stomach clenching painfully at the thought.

"Rollins?" Olivia sounds confused, cleaning her throat again and letting out a short cough. "What are you doing here?"

"Uh, I was just in the neighborhood and thought I would stop by to say hi," Amanda lies, choosing not to tell the older woman that she had come straight over here from work specifically to check up on her and regretting her decision now, as Olivia sounds tired and resentful and less than welcoming.

"Okay..." There is an obvious doubt radiating from the brunette's voice now, like she doesn't quite believe that Amanda just happened to be in the neighborhood and had spontaneously decided to drop by. "Well, I guess you can come up for a visit, as long as it's not a long one. I'm not feeling that well today."

"I'm sorry to hear that, Liv," Amanda says sincerely, worry spiking through her that Olivia hasn't been handling things very well during her leave from the precinct and feeling quite torn on just what to do at the moment; simultaneously wanting to leave the other woman alone like she so clearly wants to be, and racing up to her colleague's apartment to wrap Olivia in her strong, comforting embrace.

This thought startles her immensely because Amanda has never been one for affection, either receiving it or giving it to others, but she realizes that it is something she has wanted to do since Olivia had been found; to take the older woman into her arms and never let go, so grateful that she is safe, if not quite sound. She can feel a blush rising on her pale cheeks as she opens her mouth to apologize to Olivia for dropping by unannounced and assuring her that she will leave right away, when the buzzer suddenly sounds sharply in her ear.

Amanda is startled, jumping slightly before catching hold of the door handle and swinging it open, stepping into the lobby and heading toward the elevators without the usual confident bounce in her step. She is downright nervous as the elevator ascends to Olivia's floor and there are butterflies dancing around inside her stomach, concerned that she is bothering the brunette and that her presence in Olivia's apartment will not be welcome even though her colleague has just let her in.

Amanda's worry spikes yet again when it takes Olivia several minutes to answer the door after she knocks, tilting her head to listen for any movement inside and sighing in relief when she finally hears footsteps padding toward her. She struggles to control the surprise in her expression when she finally comes face to face with the older woman after all this time, resolving to keep her features completely blank as she takes in the physical state of her co-worker.

Olivia is dressed in baggy sweats and slippers, her previously long dark hair cut short and deep circles of purplish blue ringing her tired eyes, leaning in an exhausted manner against the door frame as she appraises Amanda with a slight frown. "So you were just in the neighborhood, huh, Rollins?" That doubt is present in Olivia's tone again as her gaze unexpectedly bores right into Amanda's own with a sharp awareness, despite the hazy appearance of her usually lively brown orbs.

"Yup," Amanda confirms lightly, the corner of her lip tugging up in a sheepish smile, even as her eyes rake up and down Olivia's weary form with deep concern. "So are you gonna let me in or do I have to spend the evening standing in the hallway?"

She catches the slight roll of Olivia's eyes as the older woman whirls around and trudges into the living room, motioning with an impatient hand for Amanda to follow her. She steps inside and watches as the brunette plops down onto the couch and pulls a checkered blanket across her lap, picking up the wine glass that had been resting on the coffee table and taking a long sip. The accompanying wine bottle is nearly empty and there are half-eaten food containers from various restaurants littered across the space, the lighting in the room very dim, the place smelling stuffy and looking unkempt.

Amanda gingerly sits down on the corner of the couch, glancing surreptitiously around for Brian but not seeing any indication of him being there and not wanting to ask if he will be arriving any time soon, the thought of being here at the same time as Olivia's boyfriend filling her with a jealous sort of dread. Instead she shifts closer to Olivia on the cushions, plucking at a corner of the blanket with anxious fingers and trying to repress the urge to slide underneath the fuzzy material and pull the brunette into her arms. Olivia looks smaller than the last time Amanda had seen her, as if the older woman has lost weight or shrunk in height, and there is something uncharacteristically fragile about her appearance; something that tugs at Amanda's heartstrings and has her swallowing hard, momentarily caught up in her own bad memories of the past and how she had coped in the aftermath.

"So how have you been doing, Liv?" she asks somewhat cautiously, still keeping an eye and an ear out for Brian, half expecting him to step out of the bedroom to interrupt them while they chat.

"I'm fine," Olivia mutters unconvincingly, avoiding Amanda's gaze and frowning down into her now-empty glass of wine. "Why do you ask?"

"Ummm..." Amanda cocks a disbelieving eyebrow at the brunette and gestures around at the messy room, watching as Olivia's gaze swings up to meet her own, the older woman's frown deepening and a scowl fixed upon her face.

"If you came over here to judge me, you can leave," Olivia snaps in irritation. "I'm not in the mood, Rollins."

"I didn't come over here to do that, Liv," Amanda assures her softly, holding her hands up in the air before lowering them back down to the blanket and pulling it over her own lap so they are resting under the same cover. "I came to offer my support and to see if you needed anything."

"Where were you a month ago?" Olivia snorts in contempt and Amanda rears back in surprise, stung by the unexpected question but admitting that the older woman has a point, feeling a deep shame spreading through her.

"I'm sorry," she whispers earnestly, her fingers sliding forward on the blanket and the digits twitching minutely as she tries to keep from touching her co-worker. "I should have come sooner."

"It's fine, Rollins," Olivia huffs while waving a flippant hand at her, brown eyes rolling in annoyance once again. "Everyone else has come by more than enough times to make up for your lack of interest. They're all driving me crazy, to be perfectly honest with you."

"They're just worried about you, Liv," Amanda replies gently, and her hand seems to have a mind of its own as it shifts forward so she can tenderly grasp onto Olivia's fingers with her own. "We all are." She pauses briefly, squeezing again. "And it wasn't a lack of interest that kept me from coming over here..."

She trails off and sees Olivia glance down at their linked fingers with an unreadable expression on her face before arching an eyebrow in question.

"It was...a lot of different things," Amanda finishes lamely, stunned when she feels the brunette lightly squeezing her fingers in return instead of pulling away.

"Like what?" Olivia asks quietly, the older woman leaning her head back against the couch in exhaustion, looking like she has the weight of the world pressing down upon her shoulders, and Amanda feels a hint of guilt for being here in her colleague's personal space when Olivia is so obviously not doing well and doesn't need to hear about Amanda's issues on top of what she is already dealing with.

"Where's Cassidy?" she inquires suddenly, instead of answering Olivia's question, the guilt only spreading further when she sees the brunette glance away with a pained expression on her face.

"He's...not here," she replies in a whispered tone. "We broke up."

Amanda is shocked into silence for a moment, unsure of exactly which way to respond to this statement or how she should be feeling; a confusing mixture of emotions taking up residence within her as she is at once elated for herself and devastated for Olivia. "I'm sorry, Liv," she finally replies softly, the sincerity in her tone sounding flat and false, and she winces internally, hoping the brunette won't notice.

"It's okay," Olivia says tiredly, looking back over at Amanda with haunted brown eyes. "It was my idea. It was for the best."

"Why?" she asks gently, taking the chance and disentangling their joined fingers before easing a careful arm around Olivia's shoulders. "Why was it for the best?"

The older woman's face contorts briefly into a grimace of agony, and for a split second Amanda thinks that her co-worker is going to burst into tears before Olivia seems to get control of herself. She is stunned again when the other woman's head drifts down to rest against her shoulder, her heart rate picking up at being cuddled so closely with Olivia underneath the same blanket, and she lets her fingertips draw soothing circles against the brunette's upper arm while she seems to struggle with getting her next words out.

"I..." Olivia's voice falters somewhat, and Amanda squeezes her arm in a supportive gesture. "I didn't feel safe with him."

The vengeful anger that suddenly swoops through Amanda's system on the other woman's behalf is so fast and furious that it takes her breath away, and she presses herself as close to Olivia as possible in a very protective manner, as if Cassidy is going to come bursting out of the bedroom at any moment to attack her colleague. "Why?" she demands harshly before she can control her tone of voice. "Why don't you feel safe with him? Did he hurt you?"

"He didn't do anything, Amanda," Olivia assures her firmly, lifting her head up to fix her with a wary expression, looking surprised and concerned at Amanda's outburst. "It wasn't Brian at all. Well, not specifically, anyway. It's just..."

"All men?" Amanda supplies quietly, reigning in her explosive temper and worry as she recalls how unsafe she had felt with any member of the opposite sex after what had happened with Patton.

"It's stupid," Olivia murmurs in what sounds like shame. "I know Brian wouldn't hurt me. And I know Cragen and Fin and Amaro would never do anything. But whenever any of them are here, I just...I don't know...I just have a hard time handling it. And Brian...he was just here way too much. I couldn't take it anymore. I needed to feel safe in my own home."

"It's not stupid, Liv," Amanda replies with a firm conviction, wrapping her other arm around the now-trembling woman and pulling her into a tight hug. "It's not stupid at all. I understand. I really do."

Olivia feels stiff in her embrace for a moment before melting into her body so swiftly that Amanda has to hold them both upright so they don't topple over onto the couch cushions. They clutch each other close without speaking for a very long time, faces buried in each one another's shoulders, each breathing the other in, and Amanda closes her eyes while she strokes a soothing hand through knotted dark locks, untangling the thick strands gently with her fingers.

"You do understand, don't you?" Olivia suddenly whispers into her ear, sending a shiver down Amanda's spine. "I remember you saying something to me a long time ago, about Atlanta..."

"Yes, Liv, I do understand," she confirms softly, the older woman's hair slipping through her fingers like silk. "We don't have to talk about that right now, though. This is about you." There are so many things she wants to say, so much she is dying to confess, the words hovering right there on the tip of her tongue and ready to come spilling out; what she had gone though with Patton and her overwhelmingly intense feelings for the brunette at the top of the list, but knowing that all of these things will have to go unsaid, at least for the time being.

"Thank you, Amanda," Olivia says faintly, pulling back slightly so they are face to face and eye to eye again, and there is a depth of knowledge in those dark orbs that Amanda finds startling and oddly comforting instead of disconcerting; that Olivia can somehow see right through into her soul and is aware of all of her secrets before she has even opened her mouth to put a voice to them.

"Why are you thanking me?" she asks in a tremulous tone, reaching up to swipe a strand of hair away from Olivia's pale face and tucking it delicately behind an ear, her heart swelling with emotion at the older woman's next words.

"Because for the first time since my abduction, I finally feel safe."


	6. Girls Night In

**This chapter takes place near the end of season 13, when Olivia and Amanda are still getting to know each other.**

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 **Title : Girls Night In **

**Genre : Humor/romance**

 **Rating : T**

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Olivia Benson is sitting contentedly on the couch in her apartment, sipping on a glass of red wine and munching on a handful of popcorn, her gaze fixed thoughtfully on the TV screen in front of her. She is not paying much attention to the movie that is playing as she finds that her mind is continually straying to the woman who is perched uneasily on the cushions beside her, Amanda Rollins looking uncharacteristically perturbed by what is currently happening in the film.

She has been discreetly watching the blonde detective out of the corner of her eye and trying not to make it obvious that she has been observing her colleague quite intently over the course of the evening, finding it both humorous and endearing that Amanda appears to be afraid of the horror movie but has yet to say a word about it even though they are more than halfway through the film. Olivia realizes that there is so much she still doesn't know about her co-worker and is happy with her decision to invite Amanda over for a girls night, just the two of them spending some time together away from work and getting to know each other.

Although they had not gotten off on the right foot when the younger woman had transferred from Atlanta several months prior and Olivia's emotions had been all over the place at the time due to Elliot's abrupt departure and the arrival of Amanda and their colleague Nick Amaro, things have cooled down considerably since those first tension-filled and awkward weeks and they have settled into a more comfortable routine. She has found herself enjoying Amanda's presence in the squad room more and more as the time has passed, and has come to appreciate the other woman's hard work and dedication to the job, despite the blonde's overly eager and enthusiastic way of approaching their cases.

Olivia has become much less annoyed and much more interested in spending time with Amanda, both inside and outside of the precinct, and it seems to have been a mutual decision between the two of them to begin pursuing a friendship, grabbing coffee after work once in awhile or going out for dinner from time to time and starting to share bits and pieces of personal information. It had been Olivia's idea to have a relaxing girls night to unwind from their busy week and she is enjoying having Amanda spend a few hours in her apartment for the first time ever, shifting slightly closer to the younger woman on the couch as if she can't control the migration of her body.

She is very intrigued by the blonde detective and has to admit that there is a bit of an attraction there as well; Amanda's physical beauty quite stunning and a depth to her colleague's bubbly personality that Olivia hadn't paid attention to at first. Amanda has taken her mind off of the loneliness and despair of missing Elliot and Olivia finds that her thoughts are now fixed on the younger woman more often than not, a warmth filling her when she notices that Amanda has slid closer to her on the couch in response to her own movement.

Their hands are resting side by side on the cushion beneath the blanket they are sharing, and Olivia brushes a tentative finger very lightly along the outside of the other woman's hand when she sees that Amanda's expression is still pinched with worry. "You could have told me you were scared of the movie," she says gently, a smile stretching across her face when the younger woman fixes her with an offended glare.

"I'm not scared," Amanda scoffs in reply, although she doesn't move her hand away, one of her fingernails tapping out a nervous rhythm against the back of Olivia's hand, and she arches a disbelieving eyebrow at the blonde woman.

She wants to challenge the other detective but decides to keep her mouth closed as Amanda is so obviously trying not to show any weakness around her, even though Olivia wishes they were at the point where the other woman felt comfortable enough to portray any kind of emotion in her presence. "Okay, well, I'm glad you're not scared," she replies lightly. "Because you know if you are, there's no judgment here and we can just turn it off and doing something else."

"Well, I appreciate that, Liv, but it's not necessary," Amanda answers nonchalantly. "I'm very much enjoying the movie."

"You're enjoying it?" Olivia says skeptically, noticing that her co-worker's fingers have stopped their anxious tapping on the top of her hand and are now digging down slightly into her skin in a manner that is verging on painful.

"Yes," Amanda responds unconvincingly, her gaze sliding away, and Olivia has to fight the urge to chuckle. "This is quite a masterpiece of filmmaking."

" _Return of the Living Dead_ is a masterpiece of filmmaking?" she replies incredulously, her skepticism growing by the second and a short snicker escaping her throat when she sees the very serious expression on Amanda's face now.

"Yes, Liv, it's quite good," the younger woman insists, seemingly with all the sincerity that she can muster.

Olivia chooses not to respond this time, instead shaking her head in amusement as she turns her attention back to the screen, laughing aloud at the absurdity of a horde of zombies calling for back-up on the radios in the police cars and ambulances, requesting that more cops and paramedics be dispatched to the gruesome scene outside of the graveyard so they can continue to feast on the brains of people from a variety of different professions. She is very aware that while Amanda is eating and drinking continously from the bowl of popcorn and glass of wine with one hand, her other hand remains firmly clenched on top of Olivia's, sharp fingernails digging into tender skin just a little bit harder with each new scene of the movie.

"This is Oscar material right here," Olivia mutters sarcastically under her breath, partly to try and calm the somewhat panicked actions of her colleague and partly because she is honestly worried about her brain cells depleting with every passing minute of this ridiculous film and unsure of why she had chosen this particular movie for them to watch for their first get together.

When one of the main characters is suddenly attacked by the eternally starving-for-brains mob of moaning and groaning zombies, that seems to be the last straw for Amanda who is promptly tossing the bowl of popcorn high into the air with an alarmed shriek, kernels of butter and salt raining down upon them and covering the couch and blanket, along with embedding themselves into long tresses of both light and dark hair.

Olivia stares at the blonde detective in startled amazement for a moment, Amanda's mouth hanging open in frightened surprise of the scene she has just witnessed, kernels of corn clinging to golden strands that are tousled around small shuddering shoulder blades, and although she is torn between bursting into laughter and pulling the scared woman into her arms for a hug, she can't help but be relieved that Amanda had been able to save the wine glass from the same fate as the popcorn bowl, the tumbler of alcohol now propped safely on the coffee table in front of them.

"Alright, I think we're done here," Olivia states firmly, still fighting against the urge to laugh as she begins picking kernels of corn out of her own hair and tossing them aside to be cleaned up later.

"No, we're not," Amanda asserts determinedly, and Olivia can't help but think how adorable the younger woman looks, so stern in her belief of not backing down from something that frightens her while sitting there covered head to toe in popcorn and shaking like a leaf in the aftermath of her intense scare. "We're not done here until the movie is over. I always finish what I start."

"Even when it's scaring you to death?" Olivia asks lightly.

"Especially then," Amanda replies sternly, trying without success to dig out the multiple kernels of corn that are tangled up in her long hair.

"Well, it's good to know that you never give up on things, Amanda," Olivia replies with a slight snort, rolling her eyes at the other woman's ludicrously false show of bravado, like Amanda thinks she has something to prove. "You are quite the stubborn little Georgia Peach, you know that?"

All of the fear seems to drain right from Amanda's expression as the smaller woman is now fixing Olivia with another very offended glare, hands planted firmly on a slim pair of jean-clad hips. "Don't call me that, Benson."

"Alright, I'm sorry, Amanda," Olivia chuckles, holding her hands up in the air as a sign of remorse and taking pity on the other woman, the uncharacteristically silly dramatics pulling at her heartstrings because she genuinely wants Amanda to have a good time and to feel safe and comfortable in Olivia's home so that this will turn into a regular occurrence.

"If you want to finish the movie, that's fine, but come and sit down here, will you?" she snickers, grabbing at a small shaking hand and giving it a slight tug, gesturing for Amanda to take a seat on the floor in front of her. "At least let me help you with your hair so that will be one less thing you'll have to worry about right now."

"What's wrong with my hair?" Amanda demands, even though she does what she is told right away, scrambling off the cushions and onto the floor, Olivia's lips twitching in amusement as her fellow detective gets settled between her spread knees, huddling as close as possible to Olivia's body as she reaches into her purse on the end table next to the couch and retrieves a small black brush.

"You look like you had a wrestling match with that bowl of popcorn and the popcorn won," Olivia chortles, appraising the large amount of kernels that are stuck in the smaller woman's soft blonde tresses and raising the brush to the back of her head to begin gently trying to dislodge them.

The next several minutes are very quiet, save for the screams and growls of human victims and hungry zombies on the screen, as Olivia tenderly and methodically works her way through Amanda's hair as much as she can with the brush before resorting to using her fingers to dig out those last few stubborn kernels of corn that are lodged very deeply inside the tangled blonde mess.

When the last piece of popcorn has been removed and Amanda's hair is once again free of their buttery and salty snack food, Olivia finds that she is not quite ready to pull away just yet, her hands ghosting across her colleague's small shoulders before returning her fingers to the silky softness before her and letting the digits glide comfortingly from top to bottom through the golden tresses, occasionally stopping to twirl one of the blonde strands gently around a finger before unwinding it and continuing on.

Amanda seems to be enjoying the care and concern that Olivia has been showing her hair, relaxing bit by bit beneath her touch until she seems much more at ease with the situation, a contented sigh escaping her lips from time to time and Olivia smiling inwardly at the more serene atmosphere of the room, despite the epic battle between humans and zombies currently playing out on the screen. She feels Amanda flinch briefly under her touch after another gruesome death, surprised the other woman is bothered by something that is fictional when they deal with real violence on a daily basis, humans doing much deeper and lasting harm to one another than zombies ever could.

Olivia lets her fingers trail gently out of Amanda's hair, her hands coming to rest lightly on slim shoulder blades that are beginning to tremble once again. She hesitates for a moment before digging the pads of her fingers lightly into the tense muscles that are bunched up beneath her palms and massaging somewhat gingerly at first before deepening her touch, an unexpected spark of arousal blooming inside in response to Amanda's sudden low moan when a stray fingertip briefly slips beneath the collar of the smaller woman's shirt and brushes against bare skin. The sounds seems to reverberate through the detective's small body, hitting Olivia's hands like an electric shock, and she finds that her mouth has gone dry and her heart rate is quite a bit higher than it should be considering she is slouched over on the couch and indulging in an extremely lazy evening.

She is disconcertingly aware of the sweat blooming on her forehead as she hears another moan emit from between Amanda's lips when she moves her hands down to the toned muscles of the other woman's back; this one slightly louder and more drawn out and Olivia is extremely tempted to answer with a moan of her own, the sound bubbling up in her throat and hovering there tantalizingly on the tip of her tongue as another spike of arousal spears through her, but what comes out instead is a harsh series of breathy pants.

She freezes in her seat, holding herself stock still for a moment because this previously innocent situation seems to be spinning very rapidly out of control with just a few soft touches that were intended to bring comfort and security and safety from the silly horror movie that has been tormenting her co-worker. A fiery blush of embarrassment and guilt begins spreading across Olivia's cheeks at the thought of being the only one of the two of them who is feeling more than she should; who is reading much more into what is actually happening here, and that perhaps Amanda is just a very vocal person who is only expressing her appreciation for a good massage.

They have reached the epic climax of the movie now and Olivia can feel its detrimental effects in the return rigidity of her fellow detective's limbs and muscles, Amanda tensing up beneath her hands once again. Olivia is not sure whether to be concerned or relieved that the younger woman's fear of zombies is making another appearance, wanting Amanda to relax again but also terrified that she has misinterpreted this situation between them and needing to put a stop to it, and addressing Amanda's fear is the perfect excuse to pull her hands away.

"Hey, it's okay," she soothes gently, tapping Amanda on the shoulder and flinching as the blonde woman startles underneath her touch. "Why don't you come back up here? Get under the blanket with me, okay? I'm not going to suggest again that we turn the movie off, even though that would be the obvious answer here, wouldn't it?"

Olivia's eyebrow is quirked up with both exasperation and desire as Amanda struggles to her feet and fixes her with a sheepish grin, a pretty pink blush staining her pale face, before scrambling beneath the blanket next to Olivia and resuming her previous position on the couch. "We don't need to turn it off," Amanda assures her with a confidence in her voice that wavers only slightly. "It's almost over. I can handle it."

"Is that why you're shaking so hard, the entire couch is moving?" Olivia inquires wryly, watching Amanda's blush deepen under the weight of her questioning stare, the look in the smaller woman's big blue eyes an interesting mixture of trepidation and bravado and something... _else_ causing a performance of rapid and repeated somersaults inside Olivia's stomach.

"I'm just cold," Amanda murmurs, biting down on her lower lip as she speaks and Olivia having to refrain from licking her own lips in response. "The air conditioning is turned up too high."

"Uh huh, okay," Olivia chuckles, shaking her head and rolling her eyes and refraining from mentioning that Amanda has already admitted to being scared. "So the air conditioning has just been turned up too high this whole time, then?"

"Yup," Amanda answers lightly, even though she is now curled up into a shuddering little ball of quaking limbs underneath the blanket. "That's my story and I'm sticking to it."

"Is that why you have a death grip on my T-shirt right now?" Olivia asks in amusement, taking note of the small but strong hand that has slipped over her thigh to grasp onto the end of the striped cotton shirt she is wearing. "Do you often feel terrified when you get too cold?"

"Oh, Olivia, just shut up, will you?" Amanda huffs in annoyance, apparently deciding that she is totally done with her silly game now and moving as close as she possibly can to Olivia on the cushions, their bodies molding together in a very pleasant way and causing tingles of pleasure to radiate up and down Olivia's arms and legs. "I'm scared of the damn zombies, okay? I'm terrified of them! And now thanks to this movie, they're going to haunt my dreams tonight! There, are you happy now?"

Olivia bursts out laughing and pulls her colleague tightly into her embrace, a warm wave of affection washing over her that is mingled with a persistent feeling of guilt, but this time because she is worried that she had forced the other woman to continue watching something she was obviously quite uncomfortable with, even though Amanda had insisted over and over again that it was fine.

"I'm sorry I didn't turn the movie off when I knew you were scared," she murmurs sincerely into Amanda's neck as they hold each other close. "I should have just ignored your protests and shut if off anyway. Do you forgive me?"

"You're forgiven if you protect me from the zombies," comes Amanda's small voice that is muffled by Olivia's thick hair.

Something that is between a chuckle and a sigh escapes from Olivia's mouth and she pulls away slightly to tuck an errant strand of blonde hair back behind the delicate ear of the woman she is holding so tenderly in her arms. "You know zombies aren't real, right?" she asks softly, quirking an eyebrow at her fellow detective, her gaze zeroing in on Amanda's now, as the other woman's eyes seem to be trained right on her lips.

"But what if they were real?" Amanda whispers with a smile that is only partly joking. "Would you protect me?"

Olivia is about to roll her eyes and come back with a sarcastic remark to distract herself from just how deliciously close the younger woman's body and lips are to her own, when Amanda is suddenly leaning toward her and their mouths are pressed together in a soft kiss.

For a moment neither of them make another move, sitting there wrapped up cozily in each other's embrace with their lips hovering right against each other, before Olivia decides to deepen the kiss and Amanda responds immediately, kissing her back with an intensity that seems to surprise them both. Their arms wind more tightly around one another, hands sliding up backs to grasp onto stands of hair and trail down arms peppered with goosebumps, the room filling with the sounds of heavy panting breaths.

When they finally pull slightly away from each other, arms looped around necks and brown eyes staring intently into blue, cheeks flushed a healthy pink and breathing having yet to return to normal, Olivia's lips quirk up into a content and teasing smile as she finally answers Amanda's question.

"Okay, I'll protect you from the zombies."


	7. Trust

**I've been having major computer issues for the past week, but a family member has been kind enough to let me borrow his computer so I could get a short chapter posted. :)**

 **This chapter takes place in season 15, the morning after the scene with Olivia and Amanda in Liv's office at the end of the episode "Gambler's Fallacy".**

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 **Title : Trust  
**

 **Genre : Hurt/comfort/friendship**

 **Rating : T**

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It's the insistent loud buzzing in her ear that makes Amanda jolt awake with a start, the blinding headache slashing downward through her skull like someone is stabbing a knife repeatedly into her brain, and her gritty blue eyes crack open very slowly, darting around in confusion as she takes in her surroundings. Instead of finding herself curled up in her comfortable bed at home in her cozy apartment, the side of her face is pressed roughly into cold pavement, the hard ground scraping against the already-bruised and tender skin of her cheek, and she can hear the sounds of city life over the noise of her phone; the scuffle of boots on the sidewalk, the honk of horns from the street, and the shouts of a group of children rushing by.

Amanda is so incredibly hungover that it takes her several minutes to work out what exactly is going on here; that she is outdoors in the chilly March air and is lying in a shivering heap in a freezing alleyway between two narrow buildings, the concrete dusted lightly with snow and reeking of waste from the trash bins that are gathered together near the edge of the road. Her tongue seems to be wadded up inside of her mouth like a giant ball of cotton and all she can taste is last night's booze and cigarettes, the harsh smell of the alcohol and smoke clinging to her rumpled hair and disheveled clothing like a second skin.

Amanda frowns down at herself and recognizes yesterday's work outfit; the black dress pants and white blouse and tan blazer tucked haphazardly beneath the long winter coat that hasn't been buttoned properly, and the scarf that is wound so tightly around her neck, it is practically choking her. Bits and pieces of the night are now coming back to her in fragmented and disturbing memories; stumbling out of the precinct distraught and bereft after her conversation with Olivia, her sergeant stating in no uncertain terms that she no longer trusts Amanda and would have her transferred immediately if they weren't so short-staffed.

She had been so overwhelmed with everything that has been going on lately; her descent back into the complete and utter hell of addiction, working undercover at the gambling club to pay off her debts and meeting Lieutenant Murphy, and Olivia's proclamation in her office had just been the icing on top of a rapidly disintegrating cake, Amanda's life spiraling wildly out on control until she could no longer recognize herself and was left scrambling to pick up any familiar crumb of the person she used to be. The fact that Olivia no longer trusts her; that the woman she has looked up to and admired for years had not even wanted her in the same precinct anymore, had been the final straw and caused Amanda to flee from the building as soon as she was able, ignoring any concern from Fin and Amaro in her mad dash to escape her place of work and readily seek out the nearest bar.

She would be damned if she was going to head straight to a casino and make everything even worse than it already was, but there was nothing wrong with indulging in a few drinks while enjoying a cigarette, just to calm down from the day and try to put a stop to all of the images that were assaulting her mind from her time at the club. Of course, a few drinks had soon evolved into so many that Amanda had lost count, and one cigarette had turned into an entire pack, and she had found herself stumbling along the sidewalk from one bar to the next, until she had found a private little club tucked away in a back corner of the street that served alcohol until sunrise. She had continued to drink with hearty enthusiasm before being kicked out of the last establishment at closing time and had collapsed into an exhausted drunken heap in the alleyway outside, unable to make it back home.

She belatedly remembers that Olivia had asked the entire squad to be in early that day, as they were falling behind on their cases, and she reaches under her cheek to retrieve her phone, the device digging painfully into her soft skin and still buzzing in a most annoying fashion, wondering how she had wound up with it buried beneath her face. Upon squinting at the screen through disconcertingly blurry eyes, Amanda is suddenly overcome with a wave of panic, the intense anxiety slicing right through the haze of alcohol that is still thrumming through her system and the excruciating hangover that has already taken hold, rendering her stone cold sober in the space of a few seconds.

She lurches into a sitting position, the world spinning sickeningly around her in a whirl of snowy white, and Amanda realizes that her fingers are so stiff with cold, she can barely grip the phone despite her hands being encased in gloves, and she quickly scrolls through several missed calls and texts. There are a couple from Amaro and a few from Fin, but the large majority of them are from her boss, each of Olivia's messages more impatient and angry than the one before, and Amanda's stomach turns over as her phone begins ringing in her hand, the name _Olivia Benson_ flashing across the screen.

She raises the device to her ear with a trembling hand and desperately tries to quell the overwhelming urge to vomit, while uttering a quiet "Hello?" before clearing her throat.

"Wow, nice of you to finally pick up, Amanda," Olivia snaps without preamble, and she winces at the harsh tone of her sergeant's voice, the sound cutting painfully through her brain. "You're very late. I thought I made myself clear when I said everyone had to be in early today. You are certainly no exception to the rule, and in light of what has been going on lately, I would have figured you would be the first one here. Where the hell are you?"

"I-I'm sorry," Amanda stutters out, struggling to get to her feet only to fall back down to the ground again, her shaking legs too unsteady to hold her. "I-I overslept. I'm just getting dressed. I'll be in soon."

"You're just getting dressed?" Olivia's tone is suspicious when she answers. "It sounds like you're out on the street. I can hear the traffic. Are you almost here?"

"I..." Amanda trails off, her sleep-deprived mind struggling to come up with some sort of excuse, when she realizes that there is not a hope in hell of getting out of this without Olivia knowing that she is lying. "I- I don't know where I am." Her voice is low and full of shame as she admits this, glancing up with a weary gaze at the unfamiliar buildings that are surrounding her, big blue eyes very quickly welling with tears.

"You don't know where you are?" Olivia's sharp voice has softened somewhat when she speaks again, confusion and concern piercing though the anger now. "What's going on, Amanda? Why don't you know where you are?"

"I'm sure I'll figure it out in a minute," she mumbles defensively, trying to get to her feet once more, but her shuddering legs are still refusing to cooperate. "If I could just stand up...I'm so cold...God, my head hurts so much..."

 _"Amanda."_ Olivia's voice is sharp again, but this time there is blatant worry and a noticeable edge of alarm lacing her tone. "You need to tell me what's happening right now. I need you to figure out where you are and then I'm coming to get you."

"No, no..." Amanda protests weakly, shaking her head vigorously as if Olivia can somehow see the gesture through the phone, and instantly regretting the action as her stomach lurches threateningly once again. "You don't need to come get me. I'll be in soon, okay?"

"Amanda, have you been drinking?" Olivia's voice is shockingly gentle and devoid of judgment when she asks the question, and she is horrified to find the tears spilling down her cheeks in a waterfall of shame and regret, dripping off her chin one by one to stain her winter coat.

All that emits from her mouth is a muffed, broken sob in response, and Amanda's eyes squeeze closed as she listens to her sergeant's soft voice instructing her to stay calm and assuring her that everything is going to be alright. Amanda only cries harder now that the anger has been leached from Olivia's tone, knowing full well that she is undeserving of her boss' kindness as her knees curl into her chest and her shivering body encircles itself into the smallest ball possible to keep warm.

The sudden loud banging of a door against the brick wall of one of the buildings causes Amanda to jump in fright, her head whipping up to see a tall man peering down at her in perplexity from an open doorway with a large garbage bag clutched in one fist, before his expression takes on a look of familiarity and his eyebrows pull together in a deep frown.

"Get the fuck out of here, lady!" he scowls indignantly, flapping an impatient hand at her as he tosses the bag to the ground with a thump, the stench of beer and pizza and chicken wings immediately rising into the air as it hits the pavement. "Didn't I kick you out of here earlier? This is private property. Get the hell out of here before I call the cops."

The absurdity of the situation sends an unintended laugh bubbling up inside of Amanda's throat and she struggles to hold down the bitter chuckle as Olivia's somewhat frantic voice sounds in her ear again, demanding to know what is going on and if she is okay. When Amanda assures her that she is fine and it is just the bartender trying shoo her away, Olivia asks her to get the address from him and says that she will be there as soon as she can to pick her up. The man scowls at her again while rattling off the address of their current location, snapping forcefully that she had better be gone within the next twenty minutes and dropping in a few more f-bombs for good measure, before slamming the door shut and leaving Amanda alone in the alley once again.

The brief spark of amusement that she had felt at this ridiculous and embarrassing situation has died down as quickly as it had arrived, and the tears are streaking her cheeks just as heavily as they were before the conversation with the bartender, as she waits in huddled shame for her boss to arrive and pick her up like a some drunken little teenager who is unable to find her way home without help.

Amanda doesn't know how much time has passed and finds herself falling back to sleep, too cold and tired and hungover to stay awake, before she feels a gentle hand come to rest on her shoulder, squeaking in surprise as her eyelids fly open to fix on the concerned dark gaze of her sergeant. Her face crumples in relief and guilt when she sees that Olivia is kneeling right down beside her in the filthy alleyway and is actually removing her own winter coat to place around Amanda's quaking shoulders, leaving her boss to shiver lightly in the chilly air.

"He didn't even let you wait inside?" Olivia asks quietly, tilting her head to indicate the bartender that she had overhead while on the other end of the phone.

Amanda shakes her head slowly, her tear-filled eyes sliding away from the older woman's intense and probing gaze, and she has to fight the urge to collapse into the brunette's embrace as Olivia shifts closer to her small, shuddering body and wraps a strong arm around her shoulders. She is sure that must look absolutely terrible and smell just as bad after spending the night in multiple bars and then lying in a trash-strewn alley, especially compared to her boss who is looking as sleek and fashionable as ever, but if Olivia is bothered in any way by her bedraggled appearance or unpleasant odor, she doesn't give any indication of it.

"Amanda, we need to get you out here right away; you could have hypothermia," she informs her somewhat urgently, Amanda instinctively snuggling closer for warmth and comfort, even though her brain is screaming at her to pull away and get up and run. She has done nothing but disappoint this woman and bring embarrassment to herself and her squad; messing up over and over again, and Olivia has been able to see past her anger to come to Amanda's rescue, leaving the precinct in her subordinate's time of need when they are already so short-staffed.

"I'm sorry, Liv," she sobs as she is unable to get her frozen limbs to cooperate enough to unglue themselves from the ground and get up to make the short walk to Olivia's car that is parked at the end of the alleyway. "God, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for everything. I screwed up so badly. I just needed a break from everything; I wanted to get it all out of my head and forget for the evening, and now I've gone and screwed up yet again."

She feels both of Olivia's arms tightening around her now, the older woman tucking Amanda's quivering frame against her chest and guiding her head down to rest upon her shoulder, gloved fingers coming up to thread themselves through wild tangles of golden hair and stroking soothingly over her aching head and down her shaking back. Amanda's tears will not be contained as they continue to stream down her cheeks in rivulets and she pushes her face into the soft blue sweater that her sergeant is wearing, the borrowed coat that is wrapped around her own jacket smelling like Olivia; like safety and security and solace.

"We're going to fix this, Amanda," her boss is murmuring into her ear as she cries, rubbing firm circles into her back as if to try and infuse her with some warmth. "We're going to get you some help, okay? You're not alone in this. I'm here with you."

"I don't-" Amanda is choking as she speaks, overwhelmed with so many emotions that she cannot seem to get a handle on them. "I don't deserve your help. I've lost your trust. I don't deserve anything. I know that I need to get back into your good graces."

"Everyone deserves help," Olivia replies softly but firmly, and Amanda feels a gloved hand grasping onto her chin and tilting her head up so that she is eye to eye with her boss, the older woman's wide dark eyes boring into her own damp blue ones with a kindness that melts her heart. "And trust can be regained. I don't want you to worry about getting back into my good graces; I just want you to worry about yourself right now, okay? I know that I came down very hard on you and I'm sorry that I haven't noticed how much you've been struggling lately, but I'm here for you now."

Amanda nods in grateful affirmation as a low whimper escapes from mouth, and she feels herself being hoisted slowly to her feet as Olivia's arms remain tightly wrapped around her, the other woman beginning to lead her out to the car; to the promise of plush seats and blasting heat and much-needed rest. She is unable to stop herself from tucking her face into Olivia's neck as they walk with careful, measured steps out onto the busy sidewalk, her tears wetting her sergeant's skin above the collar of her sweater and the brunette whispering words of comfort into her ear.

"I've got you," Olivia murmurs as they reach the vehicle and she unlocks the passenger side door. "You scared me, Amanda. This is a very dangerous situation that could have ended horribly. Please come to me the next time you need a break from everything, okay? We can just talk instead of drinking, alright? No matter how angry I am, I promise that I will always listen."

"Thank you, Liv," Amanda replies softly as the older woman helps her sit down inside the warm car, and for the first time in as long as she can remember, there is a sharp spike of hope pushing up through the darkness of her gambling addiction; the comforting knowledge that she is no longer alone and the trust that has been lost can be regained.


	8. Turquoise Distraction

**This chapter takes place in the present time, between seasons 18 and 19, and I've decided to finally include the kids in this one. I was thinking about doing a continuation of the previous chapter, but I need a bit of a break from the darker stuff right now, so this is just some lighthearted summer fluff; some family time with a tiny bit of romance thrown in.  
**

 **Frannie doesn't exist in this chapter.**

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 **Title : Turquoise Distraction**

 **Genre : Family/romance **

**Rating : T**

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"Mama! Come build a sandcastle with me!"

Olivia Benson glances up from the large cooler she is rifling through, making sure that the remnants of the lunch they have just shared has been packed safely away for the rest of the day, not wanting any of the food she had brought with her to spoil in the hot sun that is beating down upon them. It is a lazy Saturday afternoon at Rockaway Beach, the summer weeks having thus far passed by in a crazy blur of work and stress, and she is glad to finally be getting some downtime with her son; some time to just enjoy herself and relax and let go of the worries that seem to plague her more often than not.

"Hold on a minute, buddy. Just let me finish up here, okay?" Olivia smiles at the little boy who is dancing impatiently from one foot to the other in front of her, Noah clad in a pair of dark blue swim shorts with silly red lobsters decorating the material, a plastic yellow shovel clutched in one little fist with a matching pail in the other.

"Hurry _up_ ," he whines in a petulant tone, and she rolls her eyes good-naturedly, reaching out to poke a teasing finger into his ribs and laughing when he emits a high-pitched shriek in response.

"I'm almost done," Olivia admonishes lightly, grinning at her son's silly antics and gesturing to the tiny blonde girl who is wobbling around unsteadily on the sand nearby, golden curls done up in stubby little pigtails and clad in a bright pink bathing suit with a ruffle across the bottom. "Why don't you go play with Jesse for a minute while I finish cleaning up?"

"'Manda doesn't like it when Jesse eats the sand," Noah informs her very seriously, and Olivia chuckles as she peers around her son to get a glimpse of the toddler who is indeed shoving sand into her mouth by the fistful while a much taller blonde gently scolds her and tries to guide the little girl's hands away from her face.

Amanda Rollins is crouched down on the ground in front of her daughter as she softly encourages the child to find something else to do besides making a meal out of the beach, the other woman sweating in her jean shorts and striped tank top, long hair pulled up into a messy bun on top of her head while damp golden strands trail down into her face. Olivia had suggested that her colleague and daughter join them for a fun day at the beach, thinking it was the perfect opportunity to continue the friendship that has been steadily blossoming between them over the past while, and knowing how much her son enjoys spending time with Jesse, the two children usually playing and arguing like brother and sister. She had gotten out of bed quite early that morning to get dressed and prepare everything they needed for their day out of the city, and once Noah was ready to go, they had headed over to Amanda's apartment to pick up the other members of their group, Noah bouncing excitedly in his car seat when he had spotted the little girl toddling out of the building while holding onto her mother's hand.

"Amanda, why don't you go for a quick swim?" Olivia suggests as she takes note of how overheated the younger woman appears to be in her clothing and sees the strap of a bathing suit peeking out from underneath her shirt, the detective's frustration level seeming to mount as her child refuses to relinquish yet another fistful of the apparently delicious sand, the grains stuck to the little girl's lips and cheeks. "Jesse can help us make a sandcastle while you cool off for a bit."

Noah immediately voices his enthusiasm at this idea while Amanda spears her with a doubtful look, arching a blonde eyebrow in return. "Are you sure about that, Liv? Jesse's a bit of a handful right now."

"It's no problem at all," Olivia assures the other woman with an unconcerned wave of her hand, reaching out to pull both the toddler and Noah toward her and helping them take a seat on the beach towel next to her. "I can handle the two of them. Go cool down. You look like you're about to collapse from heatstroke."

Amanda shoots her a grateful grin and makes sure that Jesse is settled in beside Noah before briefly disappearing behind the large umbrella they have erected to protect them from the sweltering sun, her hands straying down to the zipper of her shorts. Olivia is so caught up with making sure both of the children are within her line of sight as Jesse gets up from the towel right after Noah does to join him in filling a pail full of sand, that for a moment she doesn't realize Amanda is striding toward the water's edge until a flash of turquoise catches her eye.

She glances up from the sandcastle that is being messily formed in front of her and squints into the bright light of the afternoon, Jesse shrieking in hilarity as Noah reaches out to tickle her, and Olivia's mouth drops open slightly before she catches herself and promptly clenches her jaw tightly shut. Amanda has waded into the water up to her ankles and is standing there with her eyes closed and her head tilted back, as if trying to fully absorb the sunshine that is beaming its warm golden rays down upon her now that she has waded into the cool water, and seems very intent on sliding into relaxation mode. The younger woman is clad in a bright turquoise bikini that is trimmed in yellow and tied together with a bow in the front, her normally pale skin sporting a healthy golden brown tan, the blonde of her hair appearing almost white in the blinding sun. The well-defined muscles of her toned thighs and stomach are very noticeable even from where Olivia is sitting, and she finds her eyes roaming the length of her co-worker's trim body, stopping to linger in certain areas before hastily averting her gaze as a fiery hot blush spreads rapidly across both cheeks.

She tries to busy herself with the lumpy and deformed sandcastle in front of her, reaching out to gently retrieve a shovel that Noah and Jesse have begun fighting over, aware that her heart is now thumping at a quick pace inside her chest and that a sheen of sweat has formed on her brow that has nothing to do with the heat, her breath catching in her throat as she raises her eyes again to find Amanda staring straight at her. The other woman is still standing there in the ankle-deep water, her head cocked curiously to one side as she regards Olivia with big blue eyes that are dancing with mirth and a sudden underlying intensity, seeming to be acutely aware that her lieutenant has just been checking her out, and for a split second the sights and sounds of the beach fade entirely away for Olivia as their gazes remain locked on one another.

"Give it _back_!" An indignant cry suddenly splits the air and Olivia is jolted from their staring contest, her attention immediately drawn to Noah, who has burst into angry tears, the little boy's quivering lower lip protruding in a pout. "Mama, Jesse took my shovel _again_!" he whines in dismay, gesturing to Amanda's little girl, who is bouncing up and down on chubby legs while clutching the plastic shovel to her chest with a devilish grin spread across her face and a merry twinkle in her eye.

Olivia shakes her head as she tries to keep her own grin from forming on her face, the toddler resembling her mother so much in that instant that it nearly takes her breath away, and there is an odd feeling of warmth spreading through her as she gently breaks up another fight between the kids, conscious of how much the four of them seem to be resembling a family these days. There has been an extra spark of joy that has been present in her life over the past little while; the knowledge that even through the darkness and chaos and worry of working in the Special Victims Unit, there is a certain kind of light that wasn't there before, a closeness and camaraderie with another adult that has been lacking for a very long time now.

Olivia has not examined these feelings too carefully as she has just attributed them to the unfamiliarity of actually having a female friend and one whose child gets along like a sibling with her own; Noah and Jesse laughing and arguing together, best friends one moment and sworn enemies the next. There is a distinct domesticity in the routines they have developed since spending more time with each other outside of work; meals and movies and sleepovers where the kids excitedly share one of their bedrooms while the adults fall asleep side by side on the couch, too caught up with chatting and sharing their personal lives over a bottle of wine to realize that they actually need to go to bed.

As she gently coaxes Jesse to return the stolen shovel to Noah, Olivia finds her gaze swinging toward Amanda once again, a dark eyebrow quirking up high on her forehead as she observes the younger woman seemingly posing for her in the water now, one small hand resting on a slim hip that is jutting out to the side while the other hand trails slowly up her neck. The look on Amanda's face is one of absentminded innocence but Olivia can see the slightly knowing smirk playing at the corners of the detective's lips, and she shakes her head in both amusement and dismay as an ache begins making itself known in a lower region of her body.

She clears her throat roughly, chastising herself for the lustful direction that her thoughts are taking during such an inappropriate time, and muttering an almost inaudible "Oh, god" under her breath when Amanda suddenly submerges herself fully into the water before springing energetically back to her feet and strutting up the beach toward her, that turquoise bathing suit clinging to her drenched body in all the right places and not leaving much to the imagination as tiny drops of liquid roll slowly down her tanned skin.

"Hey, Liv, how're things going?" the detective asks breezily as she plops herself down onto the towel next to her, reaching out to tickle Jesse gently under the chin and eliciting a burst of giggles from the toddler.

"Things are going just fine," Olivia replies dryly, one eyebrow still arched dramatically as she regards the other woman who is now delicately patting herself dry with her own towel before wrapping it around her soaked body. "Are you sufficiently cooled off now?"

"No, I'm actually still pretty warm," Amanda murmurs as she shifts slightly closer to Olivia and fixes her with those large blue eyes that seem to be dancing with mischief, one pinky finger lightly nudging her own. "What about you, Liv? You're looking a little overheated yourself there. Do you want me to stay with the kids while you have a turn in the water?"

Olivia's stomach muscles are clenching tightly while she watches the detective's somewhat suggestive gaze roam down her bathing suit-clad body, before Jesse is suddenly launching herself into her mother's lap with an earsplitting shriek as she gleefully flings another fistful of sand high into the air, Noah laughing uproariously in response.

"Oh, Jesse, _no_ ," Amanda sighs in exasperation, and Olivia holds out her arms to her son as Noah settles himself into her lap, cuddling his little body up against her chest.

"'Manda, can you and Jesse sleep at my house tonight?" Noah asks hopefully, Olivia's heart melting as she watches him reach out to take the little girl's hand into his own and give it a gentle squeeze, their earlier disagreement apparently forgotten.

"Well, only if it's okay with your mama," Amanda replies with a questioning smile, turning those impish blue eyes on Olivia once again, the detective's fingers creeping closer to her own on the towel and brushing very lightly against the back of her hand, a sharp shiver running down Olivia's spine in response. "What do you say, Liv? You wanna have a sleepover tonight?"

"Sure, that sounds good," Olivia says evenly, trying to ignore the fluttering inside her stomach as Noah lets out a cheer and the kids take their leave from their mothers' laps to return to the half-finished sandcastle a few feet away, Noah carefully holding Jesse's hand as she toddles awkwardly over to their creation.

"I'm looking forward to it," Amanda answers in a low tone, a look of mock concern etched onto her delicate features now. "You okay there, Liv? You seem a little distracted. Is the heat getting to you? Or is it something else?"

"I'm just fine, Amanda," she responds wryly, noticing that the younger woman is sidling even nearer to her on the towel they are sitting on, her colleague's own towel slipping down over her shoulders and exposing the top of that mesmerizing turquoise bikini, Olivia's eyes straying down to the tiny bow that is holding the wet material together, before looking back up again and trying to keep her demeanor neutral.

"Well, I'm glad to hear that, Liv." Amanda is staring quite openly at her now with a very intent expression fixed on her face, although there is a slight amount of teasing apparent in her tone. "Because for a minute I thought there was something about me that was distracting you."

"And what might that be?" Olivia inquires casually, unable to admit to the intense feelings of desire that are thrumming steadily through her system now, and keeping her gaze fixed determinedly on Amanda's face instead of letting her eyes drift downward once more.

"Well, I don't know, you tell me." The other woman's hand is softly covering her own now, warm fingers linking themselves together with Olivia's and squeezing tenderly before speaking in a knowing tone as her eyes sweep down to the turquoise bathing suit she is wearing before meeting Olivia's gaze again. "After the kids go to bed tonight, maybe we should talk about exactly what's distracting you."

"Yeah, maybe," Olivia acknowledges lightly, giving the detective's fingers a brief squeeze in return, her heart somersaulting wildly inside her chest when Amanda suddenly leans her chin onto her shoulder and puts her lips right up against her ear, the younger woman's whispered words sending a shiver of anticipation down her spine.

"Or maybe we don't need to talk. Maybe you can just help me out of this bikini and remove the distraction."


	9. Turquoise Distraction Part 2

**This is a continuation of the previous chapter "Turquoise Distraction", and the rating has been bumped up to an "M" for a bit of sexual content, so please be aware of that before you continue reading.**

 **Frannie doesn't exist in this chapter.**

 **I am still having major computer issues and I'm having a hard time accessing the documents that I have started for chapter 5 of "Hidden Scars" and the final chapter of "Hurricane", as well as the several pages of ideas that I have written down for each fic that I'm working on. For now, I am still using a family member's computer to do my writing. I apologize for the delay on my other stories and I hope to have this issue fixed soon!**

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 **Title : Turquoise Distraction Part 2**

 **Genre : Romance/Family**

 **Rating : M**

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The hot summer sun is sinking slowly down beneath the clouds, the sky streaked liberally with breathtaking hues of pink and orange and purple, when they finally begin to make the long, traffic-congested drive from Rockaway Beach back home. Noah and Jesse had both fallen asleep almost as soon as they had been buckled into their car seats in the back of Olivia's vehicle, and Amanda is fighting slumber herself as she sits in the passenger seat beside her lieutenant who is behind the steering wheel, the mood inside the car quiet and contemplative as a classical music station plays softly on the radio.

She is very drowsy and burnt from spending the day in the blazing heat of the sun and running after her very energetic little girl, who is not yet old enough to understand the definition of 'relaxation' and had spent the past several hours stealing Noah's bucket and shovel in between trying to sneak fistfuls of sand into her mouth and stomping all over any castle that had been created from the damp brown grains. Amanda throws a glance over her shoulder to see the toddler sprawled out in her car seat, sound asleep with her head dropping forward onto her chest, stubby blonde pigtails coming loose from their elastics and a tiny hand clutching onto Noah's while they both snooze.

She smiles softy at the sweet and tender scene she is witnessing, her heart swelling inside her chest as she pictures Jesse and Noah growing up together as sister and brother, sharing meals and vacations and love and laughter and arguments, and Amanda's breath catches in her throat as she realizes where her thoughts are heading, her gaze shifting from the sleeping children to the older woman perched tiredly beside her in the next seat. Olivia's eyes are fixed firmly on the road in front of her as she navigates the heavy traffic, the sunset seemingly prompting a mass exodus from the beach for anyone who has children and wants to get them to bed at a decent hour.

Amanda surreptitiously studies the brunette from the corner of her eye, Olivia looking just as burnt and exhausted as she herself is, the other woman's thick dark hair falling in damp, tousled waves around her shoulders, still slightly wet from all the time they had spent in the water that day. She can't seem to keep her mind from straying to alluring images of Olivia in her bathing suit, a classy black one-piece that is in stark contrast to her own bright turquoise bikini but hugs every single one of her boss' curves so perfectly, the beautiful swimsuit now disappointingly hidden beneath the older woman's shorts and T-shirt.

Amanda herself hadn't even bothered to throw clothes on over her bikini, just preferring to wrap her body in a towel after they had gotten the kids settled inside the car, before slumping gratefully into the passenger seat, glad that she isn't the one who has to make the long and arduous drive back to the city and hoping Olivia is up for the task. Noah had been just as energetic as Jesse was that day and Amanda is aware of just how wiped out the older woman is, although she can't help the slight sting of disappointment she feels at the way the day is coming to a close; figuring they will get the kids tucked into bed as soon as they get back to Olivia's apartment and then head to bed themselves instead of doing something else she has in mind.

She absentmindedly fingers the slippery material of her bikini bottoms beneath the towel she is snuggled in, the garment still slightly moist from her time in the water, and her gaze flickers over to Olivia once again, remembering how she had teased the brunette several times throughout the day and knowing full well that her boss had been checking her out, flattered and ecstatic at the attention she had been receiving, a low thrum of arousal simmering just below the surface of the silly flirtation. There seems to have been a distinct shift in mood between them lately, the friendship that had initially begun as two single mothers bonding over the joys and challenges of raising children slowly evolving into something else; something deeper and more ingrained that goes beyond the boundaries of a supportive and affectionate closeness between co-workers.

When Amanda had first become aware of this slow change between them, she had originally talked herself out of it, sure that she had been reading too much into things and that it was just her own feelings coming into play; her eagerness and desire to take things to the next level with a woman who should be entirely off-limits, lieutenant and detective most likely not suited to be together in any kind of a deeper capacity that goes beyond simple colleagues and friends. Amanda is very conscious of the possible conflict of interest if they are to take the next step together in this relationship that seems to be toeing the line more and more each day as they have become so intertwined in one another's lives, but she has never been much a rule-follower and figures that she's not about to start being a good girl now. Her friendship with Olivia, or whatever this relationship can be classified as, is nobody's business but their own.

She is beyond convinced now that these feelings are definitely not one-sided; certainly not after the older woman has spent the majority of the day staring lustfully at Amanda in her bikini while pretending not to, the brunette's poor attempts to feign disinterest in Amanda's beachwear only endearing Olivia to her even more. The corner of her lip lifts into a smile that she desperately tries to stifle as she thinks of Olivia not-so-subtly checking her out while she had been standing in the water and playing on the beach with the kids, and she is unsuccessful in controlling her grin as she recalls telling her lieutenant that she is welcome to help her out of the bikini after the kids go to bed.

"What's so amusing?" Olivia suddenly asks, breaking the peaceful silence in the car and causing Amanda to jump slightly in her seat in response. "You look like you're thinking some very interesting thoughts over there."

"Mmm hmm," Amanda murmurs under her breath, choosing not to elaborate on what exactly those thoughts entail.

"Care to share?" the older woman prods lightly, and Amanda can feel Olivia's curious gaze resting briefly upon her before the other woman turns her attention back to the road.

"No, not really," she responds in an offhand tone as she gives a flippant wave of her hand, very aware that this reply will likely get under her lieutenant's skin and trying to stifle another smile that is threatening to break loose.

"So you've suddenly gone shy on me, have you?" Olivia answers with a mixture of irritation and amusement in her tone. "That's funny because you certainly weren't shy about sharing your thoughts with me while we were at the beach."

"What thoughts were those, again? You'll have to remind me," Amanda teases lightly as she glances at her boss once more, Olivia looking a little more red in the face than she had earlier.

"You seem to be suffering from some short-term memory loss," Olivia replies dryly, and the irritation that has been apparent in her voice is becoming stronger now, along with a subtle hint of something else that lies beneath; something that has Amanda straightening up in her seat and shifting closer to the other woman.

"I know you're tired, Liv," she says mildly, reaching out to lay a hand on the brunette's arm as she drives and feeling the older woman's muscles jumping minutely under her touch. "It's been a long day and the kids have worn us both out. I think when we get back to your place, I'm just going to get out of this damp suit and go to bed. It's still quite wet and I just want to take it off."

There is a moment of dead silence in the vehicle and Amanda has to bite the inside of her cheek to keep from grinning, as she is getting far too much enjoyment out of teasing the other woman. "I'm not _that_ tired," Olivia finally responds in a somewhat disgruntled tone, and Amanda slides even closer in her seat, one eyebrow arching in question.

"So, what are you saying, Liv?"

She listens to Olivia clear her throat uncomfortably, the silence stretching out between them again as if the brunette is trying to find the right words to say, and there is something so endearing and adorable about her lieutenant's bashful hesitance. "I'm saying that if your earlier offer still stands, I might like to take you up on it..."

Amanda's heart is racing inside her chest and she feels a sudden array of goosebumps breaking out all over her body, her fingers tightening around the older woman's arm, unable to resist poking some fun one last time. "And what offer was that? Sorry, Liv, this short-term memory loss seems to be flaring up again."

 _"Amanda."_ Olivia sounds slightly breathless when she speaks now, the annoyance and desire in her tone seemingly fighting for dominance, and she finds herself squirming restlessly in the passenger seat, a coil of arousal simmering low inside her belly. "You know exactly which offer I'm talking about."

"The offer to help me out of my bikini and remove your distraction?" she answers in a deceptively calm voice, although the light sheen of sweat that is suddenly slicking her body is betraying that unruffled serenity.

"Yup, that's the one," Olivia replies evenly, her eyes fixed very firmly on the road and not straying over to Amanda as she begins to trace light circles across her lieutenant's forearm.

"I would like that very much, Liv," she murmurs softly, throwing another another quick glance over her shoulder to make sure the kids are still asleep, before leaning to the side and pressing a lingering kiss to the other woman's neck, letting her tongue dart out to taste the brunette's skin.

"Fuck, why is this traffic so damn bad?" Olivia abruptly bursts out in frustration, and a stunned giggle erupts from Amanda's throat as she pulls away to fix her boss with an incredulous expression, not used to hearing any kind of foul language from her.

"Liv, do you mind watching your mouth while our kids are in the car?" she asks in amusement, letting loose with another chuckle at her lieutenant's very uncharacteristic behavior and watching Olivia roll her eyes in response.

"Well, they're asleep, aren't they?" Olivia mutters with an aggrieved sigh. "Sorry, it's just that it seems to be taking forever to get home. We should have left earlier to beat the rush back to the city."

"Pretty eager to get me out of this swimsuit and into my birthday suit, are you?" Amanda laughs in reply, that simmering arousal rearing up into a giant wave that is threatening to engulf her entirely, her whole body humming with the anticipation of what is to come.

"Oh god, Amanda, I think we might have to put a halt to this conversation for now, okay?" Olivia's voice is thick with desire and somewhat choked up when she speaks, laced with an undertone of pure lust. "I really need to concentrate on the road here."

"Well, don't let me stop you from concentrating, Liv. I'll just sit here in my soaking wet bikini and wait patiently until we get back to your place so you can kindly remove it for me," Amanda says lightly, leaning her head down on the older woman's shoulder and grinning when she hears her boss heave another displeased and lustful sigh.

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"Well, that was quite a long day, huh?" Amanda groans weakly as she sprawls across the length of Olivia's couch in the living room, the clock ticking steadily toward midnight and her eyelids threatening to droop closed in fatigue.

The mood has taken another turn toward extreme exhaustion and domesticity, the flirty banter she had shared with the brunette on the way home from the beach swiftly disappearing as both Jesse and Noah had howled with cranky and overtired rage when they had been lifted out of their car seats and carried into the building, each woman weighed down with a shrieking child and various bits of beach paraphernalia as they had staggered upstairs to Olivia's unit. It had taken quite a bit longer than usual to get the kids settled into bed in Noah's room, the little boy perking up instantly when he remembered that he was about to have a sleepover with his best friend, and it had been practically impossible to settle them both down after he had gotten Jesse riled up with the excitement of sharing a room for the night, the two youngsters wrestling together and hopping up and down on the mattress and causing a bump on the head for Jesse that had resulted in even more screaming. After several stories and cups of water, the adults had finally been able to creep out of Noah's bedroom and Amanda had immediately thrown herself down onto Olivia's couch in relief while the older woman busied herself in the kitchen, preparing a light snack and trying to locate a bottle of wine.

True to her word, Amanda has yet to remove the turquoise bikini that is now completely dry, choosing to save that job for Olivia, but as the other woman enters the room with a plate of fruit and cheese and two glasses of red wine balanced in her hands, she is suddenly overcome with a wave of nervous doubt. They are both beyond exhausted from a day spent out in the boiling hot sun and chasing after two rambunctious youngsters, and as much as they have toed the line with each other lately, flirting and teasing back and forth, they have never actually taken the next step. It suddenly dawns on Amanda what a big deal this is; much bigger than it had seemed earlier in the day when she had casually suggested that Olivia remove her bathing suit for her once they got back to the apartment, immensely enjoying winding her boss up and watching Olivia squirm but knowing they definitely couldn't take things any further than the light and silly banter they were exchanging, the possibility of the two of them engaging in anything sexual seeming like a faraway dream when they had been at the crowded beach with their kids.

The reality of the current situation is becoming quite apparent to Amanda as she scrambles to sit up on the cushions, her back ramrod straight as the other woman sits down beside her on the couch and hands her one of the glasses of wine. She takes a giant gulp of the crimson liquid before setting it aside on the coffee table and staring uncertainly at Olivia as the brunette takes a large drink from her own glass, seemingly as nervous as Amanda herself is. They gaze at each other in contemplative silence for a moment, the probability of what is about to happen rendering them briefly speechless, before Olivia shifts closer to her on the cushions and gently takes one of Amanda's hands into her own.

"You know, if you want to rescind your offer, it's okay," the older woman assures her quietly, linking their fingers together and giving them a tender squeeze. "I know you're tired and this is a big step for us; a step we haven't really talked much about yet. It's okay to hold off for a little while, if that's what you would prefer."

"Is that what you want?" Amanda murmurs with a slightly arched eyebrow, trying to get an exact read on the other woman's state of mind and not wanting to overstep any boundaries if this is not something that Olivia wishes to do right now, her heart fluttering anxiously inside her chest as she awaits an answer. "Do _you_ want to hold off for a little while? Because my offer still stands, you know."

She swallows hard when she sees the darkening of Olivia's eyes in response to her statement, the brunette's pupils dilating and a light blush spreading across her tanned cheeks, the lieutenant moving even closer on the couch until she is hovering right in front of Amanda, their gazes locked intently on one another as Olivia leans forward to press their lips softly together. Amanda hums delightedly in return, her nerves melting away bit by bit as she deepens the kiss, sliding a hand up to tangle into thick locks of brown hair and her tongue probing gently for access against Olivia's mouth. The brunette parts her lips to accept the welcome intrusion, the kiss becoming more heated as Amanda throws a leg over the taller woman's thighs and straddles her lap, Olivia's hands trailing around her quivering sides to run up and down her bare back, fingers brushing briefly against the ties to her bathing suit before pulling away again to trace wide circles across warm skin.

Amanda moans softly into Olivia's mouth at the other woman's sensuous touch on her willing and eager body, and she rolls her hips very slowly against the brunette's, her core tightening in response to her boss' answering moan as her palm comes to rest over top of one of Olivia's hands that has settled onto her hip. She entwines her fingers with the lieutenant's and guides them around her back again and up to the ties of the bikini once more, pulling away when the movement causes her arm to bend at an awkward angle behind her and leaving Olivia to do as she pleases. Amanda smiles against the older woman's mouth as they continue to kiss fervently, a sharp shiver running down her spine when she feels Olivia's fingers toying playfully with the knot at the center of her back before the strings of the bathing suit top give way. The taller woman's hand swiftly continues sliding up Amanda's heated skin, undoing the last of the ties at the base of her neck before the tiny scrap of turquoise is falling into Amanda's lap to pool there momentarily until it is swept carelessly onto the floor.

She leans slightly away from the brunette as her thighs tighten around Olivia's own, a dampness pooling at the juncture of her legs as they stare intensely at each other again, another low moan making its way out of Amanda's throat as she watches her boss' gaze roam leisurely down her body to focus upon small, pert breasts with a certain amount of reverence.

"God, you are so beautiful, Amanda," Olivia breathes in appreciation, and she ducks her head shyly in response, a dark blush coloring her cheeks before leaning forward to capture the other woman's lips with her own once more.

Olivia's hands are trailing up and down her sides again, leaving a trail of goosebumps in their wake before drifting around to the front of Amanda's overheated body and sliding up to gently cup a breast in each palm, thumbs grazing ever so slightly across erect pink buds and causing Amanda's back to arch sharply in response, her hips bucking hard into Olivia's. Their breathy moans are mingling together in the room now, the sounds of passion becoming louder with each passing minute, and Amanda knows they need to hold it down unless they want to risk waking the kids, but the overwhelming lust and desire she feels for the lieutenant is threatening to burst right out of her in an extremely loud explosion of noise.

"Fuck, Liv, I need more," she pants wildly into the brunette's mouth, her tongue swiping urgently against Olivia's as she again takes one of the older woman's hands into her own and guides it away from her breast and down her trembling body, over her ribs and the taut muscles of her stomach that are quivering with anticipation, gently holding the brunette's fingers between her legs before pulling away.

The deliciously painful ache that is pulsing frantically at her core is demanding to be relieved as Olivia cups her with a tender hand, fingers stroking very softly across the damp material of her bikini bottoms, and Amanda thrusting her hips firmly into the light pressure, desperate for a more solid touch than the other woman is currently giving her and moaning in encouragement when she feels a pinky finger slip beneath the crotch of the slippery garment to graze against bare skin.

"Oh, _fuck_ ," she gasps in pleasure as she grinds herself into Olivia's body, the lieutenant finally beginning to grace her with a firmer touch as another finger slides beneath the only remaining part of the swimsuit that she is still wearing, desperate to be free of the bikini bottoms that suddenly feel so confining and are an obnoxious barrier to the release she is craving, her distended bundle of nerves twitching with the need for contact.

"Mama, Jesse hit me with a pillow!"

The sudden sound of a childish voice ringing out through the quiet apartment makes them both jolt against each other in complete shock, Amanda flinging herself off of Olivia's lap and grabbing quickly at a checkered blanket that is resting across the back of the couch, her heart hammering madly in her chest at the unexpected interruption. She blinks slowly at Olivia like one coming out of a trance, her boss appearing just as surprised and disoriented as she herself feels, the older woman's dark eyes wide with desire and her plump lips parted and swollen as she emits ragged breaths of air.

"I thought they were asleep in there," Amanda grumbles in a low tone as she tries in vain to get her breathing under control, wiping an arm across a forehead that is beaded with sweat. "I didn't know they were having a damn pillow fight."

Olivia lets loose with a burst of laughter that is mingled with a groan of exasperation, and Amanda's eyelids flutter closed briefly as the older woman leans forward to plant a soft kiss of apology on her cheek. "I think we'll have to continue with this later," the brunette whispers regretfully into her ear and Amanda rolls her eyes in response, murmuring her agreement as she scrambles to find her discarded bikini top before the kids decide to make an appearance in the living room.

"Looks like you're gonna have to be distracted again, Liv," she smirks as she locates the tiny scrap of material and begins retying it, watching as Olivia's gaze focuses intently on the bathing suit once again, highly amused at her boss' inability to keep her eyes off of the turquoise bikini.

"It's okay," Olivia huffs in resignation as she holds out a hand to help Amanda to her feet, their fingers lacing together as they head back to Noah's room to calm their unruly children down for the night. "I can always remove the distraction again later."


	10. Turquoise Distraction Part 3

**I've received several requests to do a third part of "Turquoise Distraction" so this will be the final installment of this particular storyline, before I move onto something new.**

 ** _Warning: This chapter is rated "M" for extremely explicit sexual content between two women, so please be aware of that before you continue reading, as_ _I realize that not everyone enjoys the more explicit material_. The next chapter will be a T-rated friendship plotline. **

**Frannie does not exist in this installment (I forgot to mention that in the previous two chapters, so I went back to include it in the author's notes).**

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 **Title : Turquoise Distraction Part 3**

 **Genre : Romance/Family**

 **Rating : M**

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When Olivia awakens, large brown eyes fluttering open tiredly and darting around the darkened bedroom, she is momentarily perplexed as to why there is another person sharing her bed; a small, warm body tucked up next to hers beneath the covers, the mattress shaking very slightly with restrained movement. It takes her several seconds to recall the events of the day in her sleep-confused state; that Amanda and Jesse had joined them at the beach for a fun day in the sun and had accompanied them back to the apartment for a sleepover, Jesse snuggled up in Noah's bedroom for the night and Amanda joining Olivia in her own. She has become quite used to falling asleep on the couch with the younger woman after too much wine and conversation, and it is an unfamiliar but welcome sensation to wake up with the blonde detective curled into the sheets next to her.

Olivia remembers how long it had taken for them to get the kids settled down again after the impromptu pillow fight that had broken out at the most inconvenient of times; just as she had been halfway to her goal of removing the ultimate distraction, Amanda's turquoise bikini top having been tossed carelessly to the living room floor and leaving the other woman dressed in nothing but the skimpy bottoms of the bright swimsuit. By the time Noah and Jesse had drifted off to sleep, after many more stories and cups of water, they had both stumbled into Olivia's room and collapsed exhaustedly into bed, surprisingly finding the energy to pick right back up where they had left off. But another interruption had taken place only moments later when Noah had yet again called out for Olivia, and by the time she had seen to the disturbance and made it back into the bedroom, Amanda was sound asleep on top of the covers, sprawled out across the mattress with that tantalizing bikini still clinging to her toned frame. Olivia had thrown herself down onto the bed beside the small detective, her previously heightened arousal having simmered down once more, and had immediately been sucked into the deep, dark depths of unconsciousness, thoroughly worn out from the long day.

She blinks in puzzlement now at the soft movements of the mattress, the bed frame shifting rhythmically back and forth, and turns her head to glance over her shoulder, trying to get a glimpse of Amanda in the dark and wondering what the younger woman is doing. A fiery red blush blooms rapidly across Olivia's cheeks and her heart seems to come to a complete stop inside of her chest when she realizes just what exactly is going on in her bed; that her colleague is lying flat out on her back with her lips slightly parted and her eyes squeezed shut, ragged gasps of breath punctuating the air and the blankets pooling at her slim waist as a hand moves quickly beneath the covers.

Olivia lays frozen in astonished and aroused silence on her own side of the bed; the wanton lust that had been tamped down while dealing with her son's issues ramping right back up again with a shocking speed, and she listens as Amanda emits a very low and drawn-out moan, the younger woman obviously trying to keep quiet as she seeks to satisfy her unfulfilled need from earlier. She draws in a slow, deep breath and gulps hard, not wishing to alert the detective to the fact that she is now awake and choosing to just listen quietly as the erotic noises emanating from Amanda's mouth grow slightly louder and the shaking of the bed becomes more forceful. Olivia briefly feels like an intruder in her own room; as if she shouldn't be here to witness such a private and solitary act being executed by her subordinate, but then realizes that her own swiftly soaring arousal is certainly not going to be contained and relieved by simply laying there and listening to what is taking place on the other side of the bed.

She bites down hard on her lower lip, her heart now racing entirely out of control and a thin line of sweat blooming across her forehead as she turns very slowly onto her side to get a better view of Amanda; the small detective clearly not yet aware that Olivia is awake as she continues her pleasurable ministrations, the younger woman's eyes remaining closed and mouth opening wider as she whispers her lieutenant's name into the darkness. That does it for Olivia, the sound of her name being dragged out from between Amanda's parted lips in a throaty moan of passion causing a flood of wetness to spill at the juncture of her legs, the pajama shorts she is clad in for the night promptly pasting themselves to the insides of her thighs as she tries to hold in her own responding moan.

A tiny hiss of desire escapes from Olivia's mouth before she can stop it and Amanda's eyelids fly open in stunned surprise at the unexpected noise as she instantly locks gazes with her boss, the guilt and embarrassment evident by the deer-in-the-headlights expression that has immediately crossed her delicate features, her hand ceasing its rapid movements beneath the blankets. A brief flicker of amusement spears through Olivia's haze of arousal as she takes in the undecided look on Amanda's face, the sorrow mixing in with a spark of challenge, like the detective is unsure of whether to apologize for the possibly inappropriate behavior that is taking place in her superior's bed or invite Olivia to join her.

The need to apologize seems to win out as Amanda mirrors Olivia's earlier action of biting down hard on her lower lip, and the gesture only serves to add fuel to the fire of her quickly escalating arousal. "Shit, Liv, I'm so sorry. I woke up and saw you lying there and I was still so worked up from earlier, I couldn't seem to help myself," the blonde detective explains in apparent shame, and Olivia notes with no small amount of interest that although the somewhat frenetic movement of the other woman's arm underneath the covers has come to a halt, Amanda still has yet to remove her hand from its hiding place.

"It's okay," she whispers back with sincerity, the words feeling like they have stuck themselves deep inside her throat and are taking quite the effort to get out, her cheeks on fire with the dark red blush that won't abate. "Please don't stop on my account."

The younger woman's lovely features are marred by a frown as she gazes questioningly at Olivia for a moment, as if trying to ascertain if she is telling the truth or not, uneasy about the distinct possibility of offending her boss and getting herself and her daughter promptly thrown out of the apartment, before her features smooth out into a shy smile of relief and that blatant desire is once again at the forefront. Olivia shifts closer in the bed until their sides are touching, and a sharp shiver runs down her spine when she feels the warmth of Amanda's bare skin pressing into the thin material of her summer pajamas, the tiny shorts and tank top she had donned for the night hardly seeming to cover more of her body than the detective's bikini covers her own.

A sudden wave of bold bravery washes over Olivia as she brazenly clutches onto the edge of the covers with trembling fingers and lifts them up to get an alluring, shadowy glimpse of what lies beneath, sucking in a swift breath of air when she sees Amanda's hand buried underneath the waistband of the minuscule turquoise bathing suit bottoms. She very slowly lowers the blankets away from the other woman's tanned body so she can get a better look at how Amanda has chosen to occupy herself while she has slumbered, and the damp pool that is dwelling between her thighs has grown quite uncomfortable now, Olivia suppressing the urge to reach down and remove her pajama shorts to free herself of the offending article of clothing.

"Please keep going, Amanda," she murmurs encouragingly, her throat feeling very dry as the younger woman does just that; picking right up with her earlier movements as if Olivia had never interrupted her. "If you want to, that is," she adds hastily, even though Amanda's hand is already gliding back and forth with purpose once again.

"Okay, Liv," the smaller woman says softly, her wide blue eyes locked intently onto Olivia's dark brown ones before squeezing shut briefly as she seems to hit a spot that heightens her pleasure. "Mmm, that feels really good."

"Hmm," Olivia hums in response, watching attentively for a moment before her hand raises into the air as if it has a will of its own and hovers over the tiny scrap of material that is hiding what she longs to see, her fingers grazing the slippery garment ever so slightly. "Is it okay if I..."

Her voice trails off uncertainly as she watches Amanda nod eagerly at the unfinished question, and her shaking hands latch onto the waistband of the bikini that she has not been able to keep her eyes off of since she had first seen the detective wearing it that afternoon. Amanda raises her hips off the bed without being prompted and Olivia slowly slides the turquoise bottoms down toned legs that are quivering with desire, nearly exploding when her distraction has finally been fully removed, her heart fluttering with the delicious anticipation of what is to come.

She can hardly contain the next overwhelming wave of lust that crashes down so hard upon her that it takes her breath away, when Amanda sits up quickly to undo the bikini top with fumbling fingers and toss it carelessly over the side of the bed before laying back down against the pillows, her nude form lit up by the glowing moonlight that is streaming in through the bedroom window. Their gazes are trained intensely on one another again as the younger woman spreads her legs slightly to give Olivia an enticing view of neatly trimmed golden curls, the blonde detective smiling seductively at her with a hint of shyness apparent underneath the bravado.

"Do you want me to keep going?" she asks in a breathy, whispered tone, and Olivia nods mutely, unable to find the words to reply verbally but reaching out to caress a gentle and reassuring hand over Amanda's knee, smiling back at the younger woman when she notices the shiver that runs through her body and the prolonged pause that takes place as Amanda's fingers trail across the inside of one toned thigh and then suddenly come to a stop. "I can't believe we're doing this. I-I've never done this for anyone before."

The mood of ardent lust and desire is briefly broken at the bashful confession and they share a somewhat self-conscious and incredulous laugh at what is currently happening between them, Olivia seeking to provide more assurance that she hopes Amanda will decide to continue but that it is also perfectly okay if she wants to stop, running a soothing hand up and down the other woman's smooth and supple leg, feeling the calf muscles ripple beneath her touch. Amanda responds by letting her legs fall open even further, her hand drifting to the wisp of blonde curls at the juncture of her thighs and letting her fingers linger there momentarily before they begin moving slowly back and forth, tracing light figure eights through wet and glistening folds as all remnants of shyness seem to disappear.

Olivia finds herself hypnotized by this sensual action, her heart pounding frantically inside her chest and the sweat that had beaded on her forehead upon discovering what the younger woman had been doing is now slicking her entire body as she lowers herself down onto the mattress and stretches out across the bed to lay on her stomach between Amanda's legs, resting her head very gently against the inside of the detective's knee. She feels the fingers of Amanda's other hand stroking tenderly through her thick dark locks of hair, pushing them back from her face and then trailing down to trace a fingernail around her lips, Olivia pressing a soft kiss to the digit while the smaller woman continues to bring pleasure to herself, the moans emitting from her mouth increasing in intensity now.

"Can I have a turn?" Olivia inquires softly after a few minutes have passed, her stomach twisting in nervous and delighted suspense, her hand coming over to rest very lightly upon Amanda's and hearing the other woman's moan of assent in response.

She gently lifts Amanda's hand away from herself and replaces it with one finger, holding it still for a moment so the blonde detective can get used to her touch, before very slowly rubbing the tip of the digit around and around the pink bundle of nerves, feeling it twitch and stiffen beneath her touch and watching a trickle of liquid appear at Amanda's opening. "Does that feel good?" she whispers in a somewhat choked tone, her arousal having now ramped up to an explosive degree, and she doesn't think she will be able to hold out much longer, especially when the other woman sighs raggedly in reply and spreads her legs impossibly wider.

"You can rub harder if you want, Liv." Amanda's voice is so thick with desire that Olivia has to strain to hear her, complying right away with the detective's wishes and deepening her touch, feeling her colleague become wetter underneath her fingers.

Her mouth is watering as she watches herself stimulate Amanda, the breathy noises emanating from them both punctuating the air almost continuously now, and Olivia parts her lips to put a voice to what she wants to do before leaning forward to complete the intended action, the other woman watching her very intently with heavy-lidded blue eyes and cutting her off before she can even speak.

"Please do whatever you want to, Liv," she groans out roughly, a hand drifting up to grasp onto one of her own breasts and kneading softly. "You don't have to ask."

Olivia raises her head from its resting place against the inside of Amanda's knee and shifts slightly forward on the mattress to place a gentle kiss on the distended bundle of nerves in front of her, Amanda's hips instantly bucking up into her face and a loud cry being ripped from her throat that she immediately tries to stifle. Olivia lets her tongue trace languid patterns around the tiny bud as she takes her time tasting the other woman for the first time, before sucking the erect pink bundle slowly into her mouth, the musky smell of Amanda's arousal only heightening her own. She feels the younger woman's legs sliding over her shoulders, strong thighs closing around her head and clenching firmly against her ears as Olivia's hands find Amanda's own, their fingers linking together and holding on tightly as she dips her tongue inside. A flood of wetness is released against her mouth as Amanda climaxes unexpectedly quickly with a stifled shout, her thighs clamping spasmodically around Olivia's head several times before falling opening in a quivering heap, their fingers remaining tangled together and Olivia pressing tender kisses to the inside of the detective's thighs as she comes down from her high.

"Oh, my god, Liv." Amanda is laying in a boneless heap across the bed, her arms splayed out to the sides and her chest heaving as she tries to catch her breath, Olivia crawling back up the mattress to take the other woman into her arms, pressing gentle kisses to her forehead and cheeks and neck before placing her lips against Amanda's and kissing her softly, realizing that she is about to orgasm as well, just from bringing Amanda such an intense amount of pleasure.

The kiss quickly escalates from slow and light to fervent and needy, arms wrapping firmly around one another as Amanda sits upright on the bed to pull Olivia into her lap so that her knees are straddling the outside of the detective's thighs and she is holding her body up just enough to create a small amount of space amidst them for Amanda's wandering hands to work. Olivia moans into the younger woman's mouth as she feels nimble fingers circling around one of her breasts before delicately pinching a nipple between the digits, the other hand sliding down her stomach to rub delicious friction between her legs. She has soaked right through the material of her pajama shorts and hears the sharp inhale of breath from Amanda as the other woman feels the wetness coating her palm, Olivia resting her chin on her colleague's shoulder to whisper raggedly into her ear.

"I'm almost there. It's not going to take much."

Amanda presses an open-mouthed kiss to the side of her neck in response, warm tongue flicking out to taste Olivia's skin, and she lets out another guttural moan as she grinds her body into the compact, trim one beneath hers, desperate for the release that has been steadily building up inside of her since that afternoon when she had first seen Amanda in the distracting turquoise bikini.

"I've got you, Liv. Just let go whenever you need to."

The reassuring words are spoken softly into her own ear in reply and Olivia cries out in pleasure as she feels a small hand slip beneath the waistband of her pajama bottoms to massage firm circles against her lower lips, fingertips slipping through wet folds and dancing teasingly around her twitching and needy bundle of nerves before applying more pressure. Olivia bucks up hard into Amanda's hand at the delicious contact, another loud groan wrenched from her panting mouth, and buries her face against the younger woman's shoulder as she slowly slips one finger inside, followed by another. They pick up an immediate and intense rhythm, grinding against one another as Olivia rides Amanda's fingers, the detective murmuring into her ear about how good it feels to be buried so deeply inside of her, and that is all it takes for Olivia to shatter completely to pieces, wildly flying apart in the smaller woman's arms as Amanda brings her to completion over and over again.

Once the stars have stopped exploding behind Olivia's closed eyelids and her heart rate is struggling to return to a slower pace, Amanda very gently slips her fingers out from the hot, wet sheath of Olivia's trembling body and sucks them slowly into her mouth before pressing their lips together and sharing a languid kiss, Olivia humming in pleasure as she tastes herself on the detective's tongue. They hold each other close for several minutes, arms wrapped tightly around quivering waists and heads resting in satisfied silence on shuddering shoulders, slick bodies fused together as they drift back down to reality, simultaneously becoming aware of the pitter-patter of tiny feet in the hallway outside the bedroom door and sharing an exasperated groan.

"Oh, they cannot possibly be up _again_ ," Amanda whines into Olivia's neck, sounding remarkably like the petulant children they have been dealing with throughout the night, and she chuckles lightly in response, pulling the other woman impossibly closer and lifting the blankets up to cover their entwined bodies.

"I think we better get dressed and go see what's going on," she laughs in resigned exhaustion, plucking the damp pair of turquoise bikini bottoms from the pile of disheveled blankets and deciding that Amanda will have to borrow something of hers to wear. "Those two are double trouble when they get together, aren't they? Never a moment's peace."

Amanda gives a tired laugh of her own; warm, naked body molded so snugly into Olivia's that they seem to fit perfectly together, like they were meant to be, and she is having trouble pulling away and letting go of the blonde detective. "Well, at least we've finally been able to take care of that pesky distraction, Liv," the smaller woman snickers as she eyes the bottom half of her bathing suit that is still clutched possessively within Olivia's hand, and they share another satisfied chuckle before dragging themselves from the bed to tend to their misbehaving kids.

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Later that morning, after their very fatigued group of four have actually managed to get a few more hours of sleep, they are ensconced together in Olivia's dim living room, rain lashing loudly against the window panes and the dark clouds in the sky lending the apartment a look of dusk; the atmosphere inside cozy and familial as Noah and Jesse build leaning and precarious towers of blocks on the floor while munching on crusts of toast, silly cartoons playing on the television screen in front of them. Olivia is snuggled up beneath the checkered blanket on the couch, blinking sleepily as she sips on a piping hot mug of coffee, Amanda sprawled out beside her in one of Olivia's large T-shirts, gulping down her own mug of the much-needed caffeine as they smile tiredly at each other.

Their legs are tangled into a warm knot underneath the soft material, fingers tracing small patterns across one another's palms from time to time as they drink their coffee and keep an eye on the kids in contented silence, grinning as Jesse bursts into a gale of giggles when Noah pushes a tower of the blocks to the floor with a resounding crash. There is the unspoken knowledge lingering in the air that things have shifted between them to create a new intimate energy, and the awareness that there are likely many more changes coming in the very near future, Olivia's heart full of warmth and love as she watches her son grace Jesse with an sloppy hug as both children try to navigate around fallen blocks, dark eyes straying toward the lithe form curled up beside her on the cushions and her thoughts drifting to what had taken place between them more than once over the past several hours.

"Well, Liv, at least your distraction has finally been removed so you can rest easy now," Amanda murmurs quietly with a small smirk playing on her lips, seeming to read Olivia's mind as they exchange a heated look at the remembrance of their nighttime activities, and Olivia feels that tiny of coil of arousal simmering low inside her belly again, taking in the rumpled and adorable appearance of the blonde detective clad in an old shirt from her college years, blond hair untidily mussed and cheeks flushed from sleep, and she realizes that it doesn't matter what the younger woman is wearing; bikini or no bikini, she is falling very hard for the entire package and this is just a prelude of what is to come.

"You know what, Amanda?" Olivia whispers in a tone that is infused with hopeful happiness, fingers entwining themselves with the small ones beside her and squeezing gently. "I think my distractions are just beginning."


	11. Good Enough

**For a variety of reasons, I have not been able to do much writing for the past few weeks, so this is just a short chapter to help me get back into the swing of things. I know that "Hurricane" and "Hidden Scars" have both been very neglected over the past month or two but now that my computer is finally fixed and I can access the documents again, I will be working on them soon. I'm also considering writing a third chapter of "You Give Me Fever" and I have some other ideas for future stories, so I have a lot to keep me busy! :)**

 **This chapter takes place in the present time and is just a bit of hurt/comfort between my two favorite characters, since I can never seem to get enough of that genre.**

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 **Title : Good Enough**

 **Genre : Hurt/comfort/friendship**

 **Rating : T**

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The sky is the first thing that catches Olivia Benson's attention when she steps onto the roof of the precinct after a very long and exhausting day of work. Having been cooped up in the squad room since early that morning and not realizing just how late it has become, she is momentarily taken aback to see the city bathed in the golden light of sunset, different shades of pink streaking through the clouds and giving them the appearance of fluffy cotton candy, the sun sinking slowly behind the buildings in a spectacular display of color.

She is briefly mesmerized by the stunning sight taking place in the sky above her, before brown eyes fix sharply onto the person she has been searching for; Amanda Rollins standing by the edge of the roof with her elbows propped up on the cement ledge and her chin resting in one hand, long hair blowing around her face in the slightly chilly late summer breeze. Olivia takes several seconds to study her subordinate while Amanda is unaware of her presence, taking in the small weary form of the blonde detective, the younger woman looking stressed and tired and just plain sad as she slumps heavily against the brick wall like it's the only thing that is holding her up.

She cocks her head to the side as her dark eyebrows draw together in a concerned frown, taking a step toward Amanda and softly calling her name, the other woman's head instantly snapping up and turning to glance over her shoulder at Olivia, their gazes meeting in the rapidly darkening August evening. Fin and Carisi had both taken their leave for the night when she had noticed that Amanda wasn't at her desk and had wondered if her colleague had also left, before spotting the detective's things still scattered across the wooden surface, remnants of a lunch from hours earlier that had only been partially consumed mixed in with notes from a case they are currently in the middle of, Amanda's computer still turned on.

Olivia had texted the blonde woman and looked for her in the crib and locker room and bathroom before deciding to try the roof, aware that Amanda occasionally comes up here when she needs time to think, a nagging sensation tickling the back of her brain and telling her that something isn't quite right with her co-worker. A somewhat distracted melancholy seems to have overtaken the younger woman lately, Amanda's energetic passion replaced with a quiet moodiness, and Olivia has found herself becoming more and more concerned for her detective as the summer has stretched on, determined to get to the bottom of whatever it is that's been bothering her.

"I've been looking everywhere for you, Amanda," she tells the younger woman gently, watching her shiver slightly in the wind, shoulders hunching up to her ears as if in protection from the chill. "You haven't been answering your phone." Olivia pauses momentarily and then walks the rest of the way over to where Amanda is standing, joining her at the ledge and observing the setting sun glinting off the various windows of the surrounding buildings as the city descends into twilight. "The guys have already gone home. Aren't you heading home as well?"

"I'm just taking a quick break before I leave," Amanda murmurs in response, Olivia watching as a pale hand drifts into the pocket of pinstriped dress pants, producing a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. "I just needed some time to gather my thoughts before I go home."

"And what thoughts are those?" Olivia asks softly, reaching out to lay a hand upon a trembling shoulder while the other woman lights her cigarette, unsure if the shivering is due to cold or emotion or a combination of the two. "If you don't mind me asking, that is."

Amanda shrugs and blows a ring of smoke into the air, the grey wisps curling lazily up into the sky as she stares out across the city and avoids Olivia's gaze, the smaller woman looking uncharacteristically vulnerable as she stands there slumped against the bricks, Olivia unconsciously moving closer to her, ready and willing to provide some sort of comfort.

"You know you can talk to me about anything, right?" she says lightly when there is no answer forthcoming from her silent colleague, peering at Amanda's shadowy profile as she continues to stare out into the distance. " I've noticed that you've seemed a little withdrawn lately. How have things been going? Is everything okay at home?"

Amanda shrugs again and shifts uneasily on her feet, a sheen of tears visible in her eyes now, and Olivia wonders if she has hit a nerve. She is aware that the detective has had her hands full at home for quite some time now, trying to juggle raising Jesse as well as taking care of Kim's needs, Amanda's sister causing her nothing but trouble in the past but knowing that the two women have been trying to move forward with each other in a more positive way since Kim's diagnosis of bipolar disorder the year before.

"Do you ever get the feeling that you're not good enough?" The question is suddenly asked in a small, somewhat choked tone of voice after several seconds of silence between them, the sounds of the city below the only noise that can be heard as the sun sinks lower in the sky, the daylight on the rooftop rapidly dwindling away and beginning to shroud them in darkness.

"Not good enough for what?" Olivia inquires gently, the younger woman's huddled form pulling at her heartstrings as Amanda takes another deep drag from her cigarette before lowering her head to stare down at the ground, a blonde waterfall of hair obscuring her expression.

There is a long pause as Amanda shrugs for a third time and grinds the cigarette into the side of the brick ledge they are leaning against before carelessly flicking it away with her fingertips. "For anything," she mutters under her breath. "For anyone."

"What are you talking about, Amanda?" Olivia asks softly, frowning at her co-worker again and sidling closer to her so that they are now standing shoulder to shoulder, their arms pressing lightly together. "I'm not sure I understand what you mean."

"I mean that I'm not good enough," Amanda whispers in dejection, and the amount of shame and disappointment that is evident in the big blue eyes that meet Olivia's own dark ones causes a deep ache of sympathy inside of her chest. "Not good enough to be Jesse's mom or Kim's sister."

"What? Why would you say something like that?" Olivia prods quietly, eyebrows rising high in surprise at the other woman's softly uttered words and wishing she had been keeping closer tabs on Amanda lately, her duties as lieutenant and raising her son as a single mother keeping her so busy that it is sometimes hard to stop and catch her breath.

When Amanda begins to shrug yet again, Olivia puts a halt to the action by laying a tender hand on the small detective's shoulder and giving a gentle squeeze, feeling delicate bones and minute shuddering beneath her fingers and rubbing her palm in slow circles across a black blazer. "Tell me what's been going on, honey," she urges softly. "Just take your time."

"Everything-" Amanda's words sound like they are stuck deep in her throat when she starts speaking once more, and the younger woman looks so distressed that Olivia can't resist sliding an arm around her shoulders and pulling her even closer. "Everything is just so out of control right now, Liv. Jesse is going through the terrible twos a few months early and Kim is just so back and forth all the time, I can't keep up with her. One day she's on her meds and the next day she's off. I feel like I never know what's going on with her."

"Is she causing trouble for you again?" Olivia questions somewhat sharply before she can stop herself, remembering how she had threatened to take Amanda's shield if she ever covered for her sister again and resolving to be more understanding and compassionate this time around.

"She's just..." Amanda trails off with a sigh, covering her face with her hands briefly before lowering them wearily back down to her sides, Olivia tightening her hold around the small frame when she notices that the detective is now leaning into her for support. "She's just having some problems again, Liv. Between Kim's highs and lows and Jesse's non-stop tantrums and the stress and long hours of our job, I feel like I've reached the end of my rope. I'm hitting a wall here and I don't know what to do anymore. I'm just so tired."

It is almost fully dark on the rooftop now and Olivia hears the catch in Amanda's voice and the ragged inhale of breath before she sees the tears glinting on prominent pale cheekbones, twin pathways of moisture gleaming in the moonlight, the other woman muffling a sob with one hand. Olivia rubs a soothing palm in wide circles across her colleague's trembling back and reaches up with tender fingertips to feather windblown golden hair away from a pained and crumpled face, waiting patiently for Amanda to keep talking.

"I just feel like whatever I try to do to keep everything together is never enough, like maybe Jesse and Kim deserve someone better than me to take care of them, someone who actually knows what they're doing," Amanda explains brokenly, her head coming to rest on Olivia's shoulder as she wraps both arms around her younger co-worker, the detective seeming to desperately need the comfort. "I just feel like I don't know anything sometimes, Liv. I feel like I'm about two seconds away from completely falling apart and if that happens, where does that leave my daughter and my sister? They need me."

Amanda's eyes are wide and swimming with tears as she raises her head to look at Olivia again, and she feels her heart clenching in response to the other woman's anguish, her own tears pricking at her eyelids because she has been there many times before; that despite the rewards of her job and being a parent, she has felt more than once over the course of her long career at the Special Victims Unit and the last few years of motherhood that she is on the verge of a breakdown when things have seemed like they are too much to handle. "They need me but I'm not good enough for them."

"Amanda, that is not true," Olivia scolds gently in reply, pulling the smaller woman in for a hug and feeling Amanda's arms looping somewhat hesitantly around her waist in return before the detective tightens her hold and they are molded together on the rooftop, her colleague now clinging to her like she intends on never letting go, slight frame shuddering with sobs. "You are more than enough, do you hear me? Jesse and Kim are so lucky to have you for a mother and a sister; so lucky to have someone who always tries their best for them and never gives up, no matter how hard things get."

Olivia can hear Amanda weeping softly into her neck; can feel warm tears rolling down beneath the collar of her blouse, and she sways back and forth for a moment with the other woman in her arms, continuing to rub circles across her trembling back as the detective lets out all of the pent-up emotions that have clearly been held inside for a very long time. When it seems like Amanda has gotten ahold herself and is calming down bit by bit, Olivia pulls away just enough so that they are gazing at one another intently again, stroking the pads of each thumb below both of Amanda's eyes to rid the other woman of any stray tears that are hovering on the edges of her lower lashes.

"I have a suggestion," she says gently, tucking a blonde strand of hair behind a delicate ear. "Why don't we both go back inside and I'll give Lucy a call to see if she can stay with Noah a bit longer tonight? We can pick up some dinner and take it to your place and continue our conversation there, after Jesse goes to bed. And if Kim is there, maybe we can chat with her for a little while and try to figure some things out."

"Liv, no," Amanda protests, beginning to pull away from Olivia with an expression on her face that suggests she is at once alarmed, ashamed, relieved, and grateful at this proposition. "You have enough going on in your own life. You don't need to take on my problems as well. I'm sure you want to go home and see your son after a long day at work."

"Yes, I do want that," Olivia acknowledges lightly, grasping onto the other woman's toned upper arms and squeezing softly to assure her that she doesn't mind waiting a little bit longer to go home. "And I will do that later on. But right now I want to make sure you're okay."

"I'm fine," Amanda murmurs unconvincingly, biting the corner of her lip, and Olivia chuckles softly before wiping away another drop of salty liquid that is rolling down a wet cheek.

"The tears are telling me that you're not fine, honey," she chastises gently, watching as Amanda's lip quirks up sheepishly in response. "It's okay to admit that you need help from time to time. Even the strongest people can't do everything alone, and you've got a lot on your plate right now. Let's just grab some Chinese food or pizza on the way to your place and talk things through, alright?"

"Alright," Amanda whispers grudgingly, a hint of a smile playing around her mouth now, and Olivia smiles back, holding out a hand to the younger woman and grasping onto slender fingers when Amanda clutches onto her with an appreciative grip.

They head back to the rooftop door, hands clasped together in the inky darkness of the evening, Olivia determined to lend the detective as much support and comfort as she needs, glad that Amanda has chosen to confide in her and intent on doing everything she can to make sure the younger woman knows she is more than good enough.


	12. Beautiful Nightmare

**This chapter takes place a few weeks after "Heartfelt Passages", the finale of season 17. Noah and Jesse don't exist, and Olivia is dating Tucker but their relationship is rocky.**

 **I am working bit by bit on the final chapter of "Hurricane" and chapter 5 of "Hidden Scars" but I'm having a really hard time getting back into both stories after taking such a long break from them. Neither story is coming very easily to me right now so I will continue to post "Short & Sweet" chapters whenever I'm having writer's block, to keep my creativity flowing.**

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 **Title : Beautiful Nightmare**

 **Genre : Hurt/comfort/tragedy**

 **Rating : T**

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Amanda Rollins is barely awake as she trudges into the squad room at an impressively early hour of the morning, gratified to see that she has beat both Fin and Carisi into the precinct but a frown marring her exhausted features when she notices that the blinds are closed on the windows of her lieutenant's office and the door is shut, indicating that Olivia has apparently arrived first and is already involved in something serious enough that it requires total privacy.

Amanda sets a giant cup of coffee down on her desk and shrugs out of the light jacket she is wearing, sighing in disappointment and peering curiously over the rims of her sunglasses at the silent office, unable to detect the muffled sound of voices signifying that Olivia is either talking on the phone or conversing with someone in person and wondering what could be so important at this time of day that the blinds and door are both already closed.

She had hoped to be the first one of her team to arrive, as Amanda has been doing everything she possibly can to make things easier for Olivia over these past few weeks in the wake of Mike Dodds' death, including getting to the precinct very early each morning and being the last one to leave every night, as well as picking up the slack in all areas that require attention, ready to assist her boss in any way that she needs. They are all very aware of the toll that their sergeant's passing has taken on Olivia, even though the lieutenant has been putting up a good front and there has barely been a crack in that strong facade, but Amanda suspects that the other woman isn't doing nearly as well as she appears to be.

She had been at the scene shortly after Dodds had gotten shot and had witnessed the blame that Olivia had put on herself; had seen the complete devastation on the brunette's face when she had been the one to inform them of their colleague's death, and Amanda can't shake the fact that something isn't right, her own sadness at the sudden loss of her co-worker overridden by the worry she has for Olivia and the uneasiness she is feeling about the older woman's state of mind.

Unaware that Olivia had already arrived at the precinct when she had bought coffee for herself and feeling guilty that she hadn't also brought a cup for her boss, Amanda decides to knock on the door of the office and see if she can get the brunette something to eat or drink before the guys arrive and they get started on their current cases. Her hand is poised to rap softly on the wood, head tilted to the side as she listens carefully and hopes she isn't interrupting anything, when she notices that the door is sitting slightly open and hears a low whimpering sound coming from inside.

"Liv?" Amanda says in a somewhat alarmed tone, peering anxiously through the crack between the wall and the door but unable to see the other woman. "Are you alright?"

Her only answer is a drawn-out moan and she pushes the door open in a panic, wincing when it smacks into the wall with a loud bang, and rushes inside the room to see Olivia laying flat on her back on the couch and thrashing back and forth on the cushions, the lieutenant's eyes squeezed shut and her hands clenching so tightly onto the blanket that is draped over her shuddering body that her knuckles appear bloodless. A quick glance around the office confirms that Olivia is alone in the room and likely having a nightmare about Dodds, as the name "Mike" slips repeatedly from between parted lips, followed by another whimper, and Amanda hurriedly shuts and locks the door behind her before anyone else out in the squad room becomes aware of what is happening, knowing Olivia would not want to be seen in such a vulnerable and incoherent state.

"Liv, it's okay," she says quietly, taking a step toward the couch and surveying the room once again, her heart aching in her chest as it becomes obvious that Olivia has spent the night here, empty food containers scattered across the desk and the older woman's dress pants and blazer slung over the chair. One bare olive leg is poking out from beneath the material of the blanket and Amanda catches a glimpse of black lace underwear, Olivia clad in the same blouse she had been wearing the day before, the first few buttons undone on the red cotton garment, and disheveled dark hair splayed out across the pillow.

She kneels down on the floor beside the couch, adjusting the blanket so Olivia is fully covered and raises a hand to gently thread her fingers through thick brown tresses, smoothing silky tangled knots away from a forehead that is lined with stress and dotted with beads of sweat. "Wake up, Liv," she urges softly, scratching her nails very lightly against the other woman's scalp to try and ease her from the grips of the nightmare, Olivia's eyebrows drawn together in a deep frown.

"I am awake," comes the murmured response after a sharp intake of breath, as if the brunette is surprised to find Amanda suddenly in the room with her, although the lieutenant's eyes remain squeezed firmly shut and she thinks Olivia is caught somewhere in that murky grey area between sleep and wakefulness. "It was so beautiful."

"What?" Amanda replies in confusion, and this time she is the one who is frowning, continuing to stroke her hand through the other woman's rumpled hair to get Olivia to open her eyes. "What was so beautiful? Liv, you were having a nightmare, honey. I don't think a nightmare can be beautiful."

"No, I wasn't," Olivia whispers in reply, heavy eyelids finally fluttering open to fix Amanda with a look that is so raw and anguished, she almost gasps at the intensity of it. "The nightmare started when I woke up, when I was back in reality. I was dreaming that he was still alive...that I had done things differently that day...that Mike Dodds' family still had a son and a brother and a fiancee..."

Olivia's voice trails off as she speaks, her face draining of all color as she stares at Amanda with a stricken expression and seems to gain full clarity of the situation, apparently just realizing that she has been found by her subordinate asleep in her office and only half dressed while rambling incoherently. "Liv, it's okay," she assures the other woman immediately, her hand sliding down from the brunette's hair to give her shoulder a comforting squeeze. "It's only me here with you. The guys haven't arrived yet. No one else knows you're in here."

Olivia nods slowly and Amanda feels a sharp spike of pain pierce through her heart as she watches the older woman's face crumple and her big brown eyes fill with tears, the lieutenant blinking rapidly as if desperately trying to keep them at bay. She shifts closer to the couch on her knees, reaching over to unclench ones of Olivia's hands from the blanket and linking their fingers together before giving them a tight squeeze. The brunette looks embarrassed and ashamed now, so many mixed emotions visible on her normally stoic features, trying to twist out of Amanda's grasp and turn away, but she holds fast to Olivia's fingers, her other hand coming up to gently take hold of her boss' chin and turn Olivia's head toward her so they are looking at each other again.

"Liv, it's okay," she repeats softly, and has to stop herself from leaning forward to plant a kiss on the older woman's forehead to put a halt to the intense amount of distress that is rolling off her in waves, wanting to do anything she possibly can to provide some sort of comfort and support.

"I know you're hurting so much right now and it's okay to show your emotions in front of me. This is just between us, I promise." She hesitates for a moment, Olivia's large dark eyes locked onto her own blue ones now, and gives the other woman's clammy fingers another tight squeeze before speaking again. "Can you tell me what's going on here, Liv? Why did you sleep here all by yourself last night? Why didn't you go home?"

Amanda is aware that Olivia and Tucker are involved in a romantic capacity outside of work and wonders what is currently going on between them to cause the older woman to want to spend the night in her office. A heartbreaking thought occurs to her that perhaps this isn't the first time Olivia has done this, and Amanda suspects that all is not well for the other woman at the moment, either personally or professionally. The brunette's body is still trembling violently in the aftermath of her dream or nightmare, Amanda honestly isn't sure which; and it is all she can do to remain on the floor and not squeeze herself onto the couch right next to her boss, Olivia giving off a very strong amount of misery and vulnerability that she isn't used to seeing from her superior.

The need to provide comfort to the woman she has admired so wholeheartedly for the past several years is shocking in its intensity, and she silently wills Olivia to open up to her and share what has been going on in the weeks since Dodds' untimely death. The huge brown eyes that are staring back at her finally let loose with a tear that has been swimming at the edge of long dark lashes, and Amanda can't help but reach out to catch the drop of liquid with the pad of her thumb, whisking the moisture away from the older woman's face and letting the backs of her fingers graze lightly across a damp cheekbone.

"Talk to me, Olivia," she pleads softly, resting her elbows on the cushions in front of her and letting her hand come to rest on the other woman's quivering forearm. "Whatever you say stays between us, alright? I'm worried about you."

She watches Olivia suck her lower lip between her teeth and inhale a deep breath before beginning to speak in a somewhat halting manner, her voice choking up as she tries to get the words out. "Tucker and I haven't been getting along very well lately," she whispers in a low tone, the brunette's sorrowful eyes drifting away from Amanda's intent gaze to fix on the blanket draped across her lap. "He can't...he can't handle my guilt anymore. It's tearing us apart. It's all I can focus on. It's like I don't have room for anyone or anything else. I can't stop obsessing about that day and what I could have done differently...its just been easier to spend the nights here sometimes instead of going home to someone who doesn't understand...to just keep working and try to put everything else out of my mind..."

The tears that have been hovering in Olivia's eyes are spilling in a waterfall down her cheeks now, the older woman wrenching her arm out from beneath Amanda's hand and turning over roughly on the couch to bury her face into the cushions as she cries, Amanda guessing that the lieutenant is trying to muffle her sobs so no one in the squad room is able to hear them. She can't take it anymore and quickly scrambles up from her position on the floor to wedge herself into the small amount of space that is left on the couch, scooting underneath the blanket and spooning Olivia closely from behind, not caring that the brunette is only partially clothed but ready to pull away if her boss voices any objection.

There are no complaints forthcoming from the woman who is rapidly falling to pieces next to her, and Amanda wraps her arms around Olivia's waist, resting her chin on the lieutenant's shoulder as she listens to the brunette trying in vain to choke back her sobs, Olivia shoving her face deeper into the cushions in a desperate attempt to quell the despondent noises that are bursting from within. Amanda holds the quivering woman tightly in her embrace, pulling the blanket up higher so that the soft material is covering them while they are molded together in a warm cocoon, murmuring soothing words of comfort into her superior's ear and feeling Olivia shaking very hard against her body.

"It's not your fault, honey," she whispers with fierce sincerity, fingers gripping onto the front of the older woman's blouse and wishing Olivia would turn around so they could look one another in the eye again. "You couldn't have known what was going to happen in that day. It was such a volatile, unpredictable situation-"

"It _is_ my fault," she hears Olivia insist in a muffled and ragged tone of voice. "What kind of a lieutenant am I, letting that happen to one of my own? He was so young...I can't get it out of my head, no matter how hard I try..."

"Oh, Olivia." Amanda is having trouble containing her own tears in the face of such intense anguish from her boss, the emotions threatening to burst forth in a messy explosion to mix in with the brunette's, and she presses herself impossibly closer to the woman in her embrace, surprised when Olivia suddenly whirls around in her arms and buries herself against Amanda's chest.

A surge of white hot anger boils up inside her at the thought of her lieutenant having to spend the nights alone in her office because it's a better option than spending them with a man who has obviously had enough of her pain and is unwilling to try and be more understanding with what his girlfriend is going through, and the words are right there on the tip of Amanda's tongue before she closes her mouth abruptly and realizes that she was just about to tell her lieutenant to break up with Ed Tucker. She knows that Olivia is a grown woman who is more than capable of handling herself in almost any given situation and can most certainly make her own choices in life, but the fact that she is currently clinging onto her subordinate like Amanda is her only lifeline is both extremely worrisome and incredibly heartbreaking, and she thinks it would be beneficial for Olivia to listen to reason, as well as continuing to provide her with the emotional and physical comfort she obviously isn't getting elsewhere.

She leans back against the cushions with Olivia tucked up against her chest, the other woman's face buried in her neck and fingers clutching onto the sides of her shirt like she is afraid that Amanda will try to escape and leave her all alone again, but that is the last thing she intends on doing, making sure the blanket is pulled up around Olivia's quivering form and pressing her lips to the dark crown of hair while tightening her hold on the brunette. She is aware that this not exactly the ideal time for her boss to be having a breakdown, as Fin and Carisi have most likely arrived by now and they need to get going on their cases, but she figures a few more minutes of remaining curled up together on the couch won't hurt, not when Olivia has obviously been holding so much inside and is experiencing such intense personal agony. It won't be a problem for the three of them to get the day started while their boss discreetly cleans herself up and pulls herself together, but for now Amanda is having trouble letting go of the woman in her arms, her fingers trailing light patterns across Olivia's back and relieved when the quiet weeping comes to a stop and the other woman seems to be more relaxed in her embrace.

"I'm so sorry for all of this, Amanda," the brunette says softly, but she notices that her boss makes no move to pull away while she apologizes. "This is so inappropriate of me. I have no right to act this way with you, to lose control of myself like this-"

"Shhh, Olivia, just stop, it's okay," Amanda whispers fervently, leaning down to try and get a look at the older woman's face. "You're allowed to lose control of yourself once in awhile, alright? You're only human and it happens, especially after losing one of our own. And I don't mind holding you when you need someone and listening to you when you need to talk. But Liv, you really need to address some things here, namely your guilt with Dodds' death and whatever is going on with Tucker. You shouldn't have to spend nights in your office. Either go your separate ways or come to my place, but please don't stay here all alone at the precinct, okay?"

Amanda's heart is thundering inside her chest because she doesn't usually speak to Olivia in this abrupt fashion, her words stern while addressing subjects that she normally wouldn't, like she is the one who is the superior, but she figures she has already crossed one boundary by spooning with her boss on a couch while the other woman is only half dressed, so she might as well cross another. Olivia is silent for several seconds while still leaning very heavily against her, and Amanda wonders if she is going to speak at all, concerned that the brunette is upset with her for voicing her opinion.

"You're right, Amanda," the older woman finally acknowledges, taking her by complete surprise. "I know I need to start dealing with some things and that I can't go on like this." There is a brief pause and Amanda smiles gently when Olivia leans away slightly to grace her with her own tremulous smile. "Thank you for being here for me."

"I'll always be here for you, Liv," she replies softly and with a firm conviction, smoothing an unruly strand of hair away from her lieutenant's flushed face. "Day or night, whenever you need me, okay?"

Amanda can hear the sounds of the squad room growing louder outside the door and she knows that the day shift is now in full swing, cops gossiping at the coffee machines and booting up their computers to get caught up on the latest cases, but she pulls Olivia closer to her again for one more moment, just the two of them snuggled safely together in the privacy of the office, and she can't help wishing they could stay this way for the remainder of the day.

Olivia seems to feel the same, as her reluctance to let go of Amanda is very apparent in the way she is still clinging onto her so tightly and Amanda continues to indulge the other woman's need for comfort, so grateful that Olivia has trusted her during such a tragic and terrible time, and fully committed to seeing her through this darkness and back into the light.


	13. Beautiful Nightmare Part 2

**I received a few requests to continue the previous chapter, so this is the second part of "Beautiful Nightmare". Just a reminder that Noah and Jesse don't exist in this universe.**

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 **Title : Beautiful Nightmare Part 2**

 **Genre : Hurt/comfort/tragedy**

 **Rating : T**

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Olivia Benson is sitting slumped at her desk, chewing slowly on one half of a dry tuna sandwich and twirling her fork listlessly through the container of limp salad in front of her, not at all hungry and wondering why she had even bothered to bring this unappetizing lunch with her today, as her appetite seems to have dwindled down to practically nothing these past few weeks. She is wearing a fresh set of clothing and her dark hair has been brushed to a glossy shine, having switched yesterday's outfit for the one she keeps in her desk in case there is ever a sudden change of plans and the day does not go the way she had expected it to; cases stretching out longer than originally anticipated and resulting in overnight stays in the crib, getting into a scuffle with a suspect and bleeding onto her clothing, and a myriad of other reasons why it's always a good idea to keep an extra outfit on hand.

Lately Olivia has been bringing additional personal stuff into the precinct and stashing them in various hiding places around the office, as she has been spending more and more of her nights here and it just makes sense to have everything in the same spot so she can get ready easily in the morning and not have to worry about a necessary item being back at her apartment, a place she has been trying to avoid more often since Tucker has practically moved in with her now. She knows it would make sense to just tell him to go back to this own home or to break things off entirely between them, but the thought of having to initiate that kind of serious conversation just fills Olivia with an all-consuming exhaustion that seems to invade every part of her being and penetrate right down to the bone, and she doesn't think she has even an ounce of energy to spare for a discussion of that magnitude.

It has been nearly a month since the death of Mike Dodds and the sadness and guilt that linger in the wake of his tragic passing continue to permeate every single aspect of her life, leaving no area untouched, either personally or professionally, and something that no amount of therapy seems to help; a festering, gaping wound that refuses to heal. Olivia feels as if she is never fully present in any given situation anymore, as a portion of her mind always seems to be stuck on that day, playing in a non-stop loop of horror that ends in the worst possible way each and every time and knowing without a doubt that there would have been a much more positive outcome had she just done things differently; if she had only dealt with the situation in the _right_ way.

Olivia finds her gaze straying from the unpalatable meal in front of her to focus out the window on one of her subordinates, Amanda Rollins choosing to work through lunch as she nibbles distractedly on her own salad with one hand while the fingers of the other fly across her keyboard, blue eyes fixed intently on her computer screen. There is an odd sense of longing that fills Olivia's mind and body as she watches the younger woman type, the strange feeling mixing in with the immense amount of appreciation she has for Amanda picking up the slack for her over the past month and actually showing up to the precinct on time for several consecutive weeks, not to mention how much the small detective has toned it down in terms of doing things her own way on cases and actually listening to and obeying Olivia's commands as lieutenant more often than not.

The shame of being discovered not only sleeping in her office in her underwear but also in the throes of a dramatic nightmare by her colleague is outweighed by the intense need she has for Amanda to come back in here and cuddle up with her on the couch again, obliterating the overwhelming loneliness that has overtaken her lately, even while laying in her boyfriend's arms, Tucker's impatience and frustration with her unrelenting guilt causing Olivia to retreat into a protective shell where no one can make her feel any worse about herself than she already does. The twenty minutes she had spent curled up with the blonde detective on the cushions at the beginning of the day have been among the most comfortable and content amount of time she has experienced since Dodds' death, and the thought of wanting to snuggle with Amanda more than the man she is dating has Olivia's stomach twisting up into giant knots of confusion; that familiar feeling of guilt piercing through her yet again but this time for a different reason.

The sudden need to have Amanda come into the office and spend the rest of the lunch hour with her is staggering in its intensity and Olivia gets to her feet with the intention of calling the younger woman into the room, her dark gaze immediately meeting Amanda's concerned and curious blue eyes when they glance away from her computer screen, like the detective had known that Olivia was thinking about her. She tilts her head to the side and is just about to motion with a hand for her co-worker to join her when there is a sharp rap on the closed door and Tucker is poking his head inside, gracing her with a terse hello and a thin-lipped smile, a gesture that doesn't quite reach his eyes.

"Ed," Olivia says in surprise, her knees slowly buckling as she sits back down in her chair again while trying to not to let her disappointment show. "I wasn't expecting you. What are you doing here?"

"Do I need an excuse to drop by to see my girlfriend at lunchtime?" he replies in a light tone of voice that she knows is masking the usual restless irritability she has come to expect from him lately. "You didn't come home last night," he continues somewhat bitterly, and Olivia has to bite back a retort that his "home" is not her apartment and force herself not to remind Tucker that he has a perfectly adequate place of his own to spend time in.

Before she can respond, there is another knock on the now half-open door and Olivia stifles a sigh of impatience before she sees Amanda standing there quite uncertainly, a far cry from her usual way of just barging in whenever she feels it necessary. Once again she is reminded of how much the other woman has changed over the past few weeks, Amanda making a concerted effort to do things by the book at work and contain the more non-conformist part of her personality that sometimes gets her into trouble when the detective decides she doesn't want to play by the rules.

"Hey, just checking to make sure everything is okay in here," the younger woman says casually, blue eyes straying briefly toward Tucker before settling on Olivia and giving her a questioning smile.

"Why wouldn't they be okay?" the older man snaps in reply, voice echoing loudly in the room, and Olivia frowns when she notices the slightly startled flinch from Amanda before the detective's features smooth out into an unreadable mask, annoyed that Tucker has intruded on her quiet time and not appreciating how he is speaking to a woman who has been nothing but gentle and kind in the face of Olivia's torment.

"We don't need you for anything," he continues dismissively with an air of condescension, flapping an impatient hand at the blonde detective and not even bothering to look at Amanda as his eyes remain trained on Olivia. "Why don't you go finish your lunch, Rollins?"

"She's more than welcome to be in here," Olivia answers with ice in her tone before Amanda can speak. "I was just about to ask her to join me for the rest of the break anyway."

One of Amanda's eyebrows quirks up in response to this statement, like she is unsure if her boss is telling the truth or if it's just an excuse to get Tucker to leave, seemingly quite surprised by the turn this conversation has taken. Tucker himself seems a little taken aback by this announcement, the corner of his lip lifting in a slight sneer as he appraises Amanda with a disdainful expression, cold eyes raking up and down the trim body in front of him as if wondering why the young detective is the person his girlfriend would rather spend the lunch hour with.

"Well, I'll leave you ladies alone, if that's what you would prefer, Olivia," he replies formally, striding toward the door as if he can't leave the office fast enough. "I didn't realize I was interrupting your girl time."

"We're not having _girl time_ ," Olivia answers sharply, beginning to lose her patience with the situation and embarrassed that they are arguing in front of Amanda, utterly sick and tired of this volatile relationship between them. "We need to discuss one of our cases." It is a blatant lie, of course, but she doesn't dare voice the truth of wanting the younger woman to spend the rest of the break with her; would never admit that in the span of only twenty minutes, Amanda has been much more of a comfort to her than Tucker has in the past several weeks combined.

"I'll see you tonight, Olivia," he says very firmly, his tone indicating that he fully expects his girlfriend to actually show up at her own apartment after work instead of spending another night in her office, before closing the door behind him with an emphatic bang that reverberates throughout the room.

"Sorry about that," Olivia murmurs with a roll of her eyes, a slight blush creeping across her cheeks when she sees Amanda studying her very closely.

"No worries," the other woman smirks with a flippant wave of her hand, but Olivia can see the worry lurking beneath the breezy attitude and the sarcastic remark. "He's as pleasant as he always is."

Olivia smiles sadly, thinking how this must look from Amanda's point of view and wanting to explain that it wasn't always like this between them; that everything had been damn near perfect until Dodds had been shot and then it had gone off the rails so quickly, Olivia's head was left spinning in shock and confusion. She knows that Tucker's behavior has been less than stellar lately but that he is only responding to the way she herself has been acting; guilt-ridden and miserable and despondent about what had happened to Dodds and choosing to isolate herself more and more instead of facing the situation head-on and actually sitting down and having a much-needed discussion with Tucker about the way their relationship has been swiftly falling to pieces. She is tempted to defend him to Amanda for speaking and acting the way he had; is equally tempted to defend herself for staying with a man who has turned into a completely different person when faced with his girlfriend's torment, but then remembers that she too is much different from who she was only a few short weeks ago and finally decides that she is just too damn tired to defend either one of them.

"So which case did you want to discuss with me?" Amanda asks as she takes a seat in one of the chairs in front of Olivia's desk and looks at her expectantly, that trace of concern still visible like the detective wants to talk about something but is choosing to remain silent on the subject.

"What?" Olivia replies blankly, staring at the younger woman and trying to quell that shameful and inappropriate urge to ask her subordinate to hold her again when the work day is done and everyone else has gone home, knowing Amanda has been putting in some very long hours over the past few weeks and will likely be staying quite late.

"You said you wanted to talk about one of our cases," Amanda reminds her gently, head cocked to the side as she seems to be studying her superior very closely once again.

"Oh..." Olivia trails off, the blush on her cheeks growing more profuse as she finds herself at a loss for words and fighting the disconcerting urge to burst into tears.

"Liv, are you okay?" the detective asks softly, reaching across the desk to slide her hand over top of Olivia's, the pad of her thumb stroking soothingly back and forth over skin that has gone clammy. "I didn't mean to intrude on your conversation with Tucker. You just looked upset and you mentioned this morning that you guys were having some issues..."

Now Amanda is the one who is trailing off, as if unsure if she should keep talking, and Olivia is horrified to find tears brimming in her eyes now, determined not to dissolve into sobs in front of the other woman like she had earlier that day. She bites down very hard on the inside of her cheek to keep the tears at bay when her colleague links their fingers together and squeezes gently, her foot brushing up against Olivia's underneath the desk, terrified that Amanda's care and concern for her is going to result in an emotional breakdown and wishing it wasn't the middle of the day and the squad room wasn't full of cops.

Olivia's throat feels very tight and she quickly wipes a hand over her eyes to rid herself of any traitorous tears that might decide to fall, keeping her gaze fixed on their joined fingers and watching as Amanda's thumb traces tiny patterns over the back of her hand. "Yeah, I'm fine," she mumbles in shame, observing the hurt expression that flits across Amanda's delicate features when she suddenly yanks her hand away and gets to her feet so fast that she almost loses her balance. "I'm just going to use the bathroom for a minute. I'll be right back."

Olivia doesn't wait for the smaller woman's reply before she is swinging the office door open and striding down the hallway with purposeful steps, just needing to get away from everything for a few minutes and very relieved to find the washroom empty upon arrival. She slumps wearily into one of the sinks for a few seconds and then turns the water on as cold as it will go with the intention of splashing some of it across her face to try and stave off the impending meltdown, when the door flies opens and Amanda is stepping inside and locking it swiftly behind her.

The blonde detective leans back against the door for a moment while they regard each other in somewhat expectant silence, and then the tears are running in rivulets down Olivia's cheeks before she can stop them and Amanda is marching over to the row of sinks and pulling her into a hug, one small but strong arm wrapping itself around her back while the other coaxes Olivia's head to lay upon her shoulder, slender fingers working their way through dark strands of hair just as they had done earlier that day.

She presses her face into Amanda's neck, inhaling the sweet fruity scent of strawberries, and weeps as quietly as possible, unable to put a halt to the torrent of tears that stream down her face. Olivia feels just as out of control with her emotions as she had that morning, overwhelmed by an intense wave of agony and loneliness and despair, and she is alarmed to finds her legs buckling beneath her as if her body cannot remain upright under the weight of such heavy emotions.

"It's okay, Liv, I've got you," Amanda is murmuring soothingly into her ear as she lowers them both to sit on the floor, Olivia ending up partly sprawled across her subordinate's lap, and even the immense amount of shame she is currently experiencing from putting Amanda in this position for the second time that day is not enough to make her move out of the other woman's comforting embrace.

The blonde detective seems in no rush to get up off the floor or relinquish her hold on Olivia, and she clings tightly to Amanda as her colleague rocks her gently back and forth and leans down to wipe her tears away from time to time, whispering reassuringly that she won't leave her alone and everything is going to be alright. Amanda's long hair is tickling Olivia's nose as she cries, the silky stresses smelling faintly of the same strawberry scent, and she closes her eyes as she continues to rest her head on the smaller woman's thin shoulder, not caring that they are slouched across the dirty bathroom floor of the Special Victims Unit and wishing they could remain there for the rest of the day. Amanda's fingers are tracing light patterns on her back and Olivia feels that same contentment creeping in that she had felt in her office that morning, the hope that everything might actually be okay at some point in the future and she will be able to pick herself back up and carry on with her life.

A sudden pounding on the other side of the door makes them both jolt violently against each other, Olivia's fingers clenching onto Amanda's shirt in a brief panic before the detective smooths a tender hand over her hair and leans away slightly to incline her head toward the door.

"It's occupied!" she calls out in a stern voice, Olivia smothering a sudden smile at the authoritative quality of Amanda's tone and the way the younger woman's arms tighten protectively around her when there is a loud protest from someone out in the hallway.

"The entire bathroom is occupied?" a high female voice shouts in irritated disbelief. "There are several stalls in there!"

"Well, every single one of them is taken!" Amanda yells back, rolling her eyes at Olivia like this is an incredibly odd interruption and one she wasn't counting on happening.

"But I really need to go!"

"I can't help you, sweetheart," Amanda replies in a raised voice, sounding quite impatient now. "You can either wait or go find a bathroom on another floor."

"Fucking bitch," they hear the other woman mutter quite clearly through the closed door before walking away, both of them dissolving into sudden giggles like a couple of silly teenagers, the knot of stress and anxiety and sadness that has been residing inside Olivia's chest for weeks seeming to loosen a notch with the refreshing laughter.

"Amanda, we really should have let her in," she scolds softly, dragging an arm across her face to rid herself of any remaining tears and thinking what a mess she must look like.

"I never would have let her in," Amanda answers gently, stroking a hand over Olivia's cheekbone. "I wasn't going to let anyone see my lieutenant at anything less than her best."

"Well, thank you," Olivia mumbles in both appreciation and embarrassment as she is reminded of the fact that they are lounging on the filthy bathroom floor, entwined in each other's arms while her head is still buried in the blonde detective's neck. "You're seeing me at less than my best, though."

"It's okay, Liv, I don't mind," Amanda says quietly, and Olivia feels a soft kiss being pressed into her hair. "You need someone to take care of you right now."

There is a moment of dead silence as Olivia guesses they are both thinking the exact same thing, neither one of them daring to mention that the person taking care of her should probably be Tucker instead of Amanda.

"I should be able to take care of myself," she finally mutters in shame, her gaze darting away when Amanda leans her head down to try and look her in the eye.

"It's okay to admit that you need help once in awhile, honey," the detective assures her gently, and Olivia allows herself to meet the large blue eyes that are staring back at her attentively, their gazes locked together intently, kindness and patience radiating from the cerulean orbs. "Do you want to come home with me tonight? You can just get some rest at my place and try to figure some things out, alright? Please don't stay overnight in your office again, Liv."

Amanda is looking so imploringly at her like she wants nothing more than to spend the evening with her boss and take care of Olivia in her time of need, and she is finding it hard to say no; can't even think of a single reason why she would _want_ to say no, the thought of spending another night in her office or going home only to be greeted with a chilly reception by Tucker and likely followed by more arguing, causing that deep ache of sadness to invade Olivia's heart once again.

She knows that time is of the essence here; that these things need to be dealt with sooner rather than later because she can't keep falling apart at work when she is the lieutenant and the leader of this unit, but just for tonight she decides that it would be okay to say yes; to just reach out and take hold of the hand that is being offered to her, both literally and figuratively, Amanda's fingers wrapping gently around her own and giving them a soft squeeze while she waits for Olivia's answer.

"Okay, thank you," she replies gratefully, leaning away to smile softly at the blonde detective who is gazing back at her with an affectionate smile that mirrors her own, a wave of relief and hope unfurling inside of her that she will no longer be alone in her torment and that one day it might actually come to an end. "I'll go home with you, Amanda."


	14. Beautiful Nightmare Part 3

**I received a few more requests to continue the "Beautiful Nightmare" storyline, so this is the third part and there will also be a fourth. I have tried to keep the "Short & Sweet" installments between one and three chapters so far, but this particular plotline turned out to be quite a bit longer than I had originally anticipated and should have been made into a separate story altogether. I guess it's too late for that now, though, lol! In the future, I'll be trying to keep these storylines to one chapter each. :)  
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 **Another reminder that Noah and Jesse don't exist in this universe, and neither does Frannie.  
**

 **Apologies once again for lagging so far behind on my other fics! I will be trying very hard to get caught up on them in the near future.**

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 **Title : Beautiful Nightmare Part 3 **

**Genre : Hurt/comfort/tragedy **

**Rating : T**

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Amanda Rollins is sprawled comfortably against the cushions of the couch with her ankles casually crossed and resting on the coffee table in front of her, glass of wine in one hand and the remote control for the TV in the other. She is flipping aimlessly through the channels, undecided on what to watch and not really in the mood for television anyway, her attention mainly focused on the woman who is perched beside her with her own glass of wine, Olivia Benson's presence in her home throwing her for a bit of a loop, as it is something she is not at all used to; a rarity that has occurred only a handful times over the course of the past several years, and only when other members of their team have been here as well.

This is the first time it has been just the two of them in Amanda's apartment and it is quite an odd thing to be sitting shoulder to shoulder on the couch with her boss while sipping on glasses of red wine and wearing casual clothes, both light and dark hair pulled up into messy buns on top of their heads, free from work for the day and very much settled into their evening. Strangely, it is not at all awkward or uncomfortable to be spending time with Olivia like this; it is just different, and Amanda wonders why they have never done this kind of thing before, as she is actually enjoying herself and is very relieved that Olivia will not be sleeping over in her office again.

The other woman had been so uncharacteristically vulnerable and fragile at the precinct that morning and again at lunch time, like she was on the verge of shattering entirely to pieces, and Amanda is glad that they are spending the night together so she can keep a close eye on her lieutenant, her concern for the brunette only growing stronger as the hours had passed by and continuing to churn in a distressing manner even as they sit there so calmly together. She had seen firsthand how strained the relationship between her boss and Tucker has become, and while she had certainly never been a fan of the older man to begin with, her opinion of him is now even lower than it already was. Amanda realizes that she doesn't know the whole story; that she had only witnessed a tiny portion of their relationship and likely has absolutely no idea what goes on behind closed doors between the two of them, but she hadn't been pleased by what she had seen in the office and the protective instinct that she has toward the brunette is rearing its head again now as she glances at Olivia out of the corner of her eye, as well as something else that she has been wondering about.

"Liv?" Amanda says softly, breaking the content silence that has fallen amidst them and feeling Olivia flinch lightly beside her like she has been startled by the sudden sound of a voice.

"Hmm, what?" Olivia's own voice is drowsy and slightly slurred, like she is on the verge of falling asleep or has indulged in too much of the wine, and Amanda feels a hint of guilt for starting this discussion when the older woman finally seems to be relaxed and at ease.

"Were you really going to ask me to come into your office at lunch time?" she inquires after a brief hesitation.

Olivia cracks one heavy eyelid open and looks at her somewhat hazily for a moment before her gaze seems to sharpen, an unreadable expression fixed on her tired features. "Yes, I was."

"To discuss a case or for something else?" Amanda can't seem to help pushing on this particular topic of conversation, and gulps hard before asking the next question, aware that she is toeing the line here and is possibly overstepping her boundaries. "Or were you just saying that because Tucker was in there and you were annoyed by his behavior and wanted him to leave?"

The alcohol seems to be playing fast and loose with Amanda's tongue as she guesses she is crossing the line into her lieutenant's personal life and should probably stop with the probing questions, as well as causing her thoughts to drift into an area they likely shouldn't be going, remembering exactly how it had felt to be curled up on the couch with Olivia in her underwear. Amanda chastises herself for thinking such things while her boss is experiencing so much personal torment, but has to admit that this isn't the first time her brain has traveled in that particular direction; far from it, in fact. She keeps her feelings about certain things buried so deeply inside of her that she sometimes forgets they are even there, but occasionally they decide to peek back out and make themselves known, reminding Amanda that they never truly go away and have been simmering far below the surface for much longer than she can remember.

"I wanted to spend the lunch hour with you," Olivia replies quietly, shifting slightly on the couch so they are eye to eye now. "I was just about to ask you to join me when Tucker came into the room."

"Oh," Amanda whispers with a tendril of incredulity, the surprise overtaking her again that her boss had actually wanted to spend time with her in a non-work capacity, and she moves closer to the brunette on the cushions, letting her fingers brush tenderly against Olivia's hand for a moment.

"I'm really glad you're here, Liv," she says sincerely, leaning her head back against the couch and giving her boss a lopsided smile, the utter exhaustion from working so many hours a day for nearly a month straight coupled with downing quite a bit of wine in a very short period of time beginning to take their toll on her. "I was so happy when you said yes to coming over to my place for the night. You really needed to get some rest."

"I'm glad to be here too, Amanda," Olivia answers softly, returning the smile. "Thank you for inviting me." There is a brief pause and Amanda can see the older woman tense up slightly before she continues speaking. "Look, I'm sorry for all of the dramatics today, okay? I didn't mean to keep putting you into an uncomfortable position with my emotional breakdowns, and I definitely didn't intend to put you in the middle of anything between Tucker and I. That was really inappropriate of me."

"You need to stop apologizing, Liv," Amanda scolds gently, scratching her fingernails lightly across the satiny skin of the other woman's hand for emphasis. "I was the one who came into your office, remember? And not that I enjoy watching you suffer or anything, but it's nice to see the more human side of you once in awhile. To be honest, it's nice to know that you're not Superwoman all the time."

Olivia gives a faint chuckle and rolls her eyes in a self-deprecating fashion, a trace of bitterness apparent in the tone. "I'm far from Superwoman, Amanda; trust me on that."

She can see immediately where this conversation is heading; knows instinctively that the older woman is going to blame herself yet again for Dodds' death, and Amanda closes the remaining distance between them so there is no space whatsoever left between their bodies on the cushions, linking her fingers with Olivia's and giving them a very firm squeeze to make sure the brunette's attention is trained solely on her. "Liv, you have got to stop doing this to yourself," she chastises somewhat sternly as Olivia averts her gaze with that shamed look she has been seeing quite frequently lately. "What can I do or say to make you realize that what happened was not your fault; that sometimes things just go horribly wrong and we can't prepare for them?"

"Nothing," Olivia whispers brokenly, pulling her hand free from Amanda's grip and turning away on the cushions when her phone begins to buzz. "There's nothing you can do or say to make me think any differently about the situation."

Amanda places her glass of wine on the coffee table and scrubs her hands over her face in a mixture of frustration, exhaustion, and sadness; turning her head toward Olivia again when she hears her boss let out a fatigued sigh, like the weight of the world is resting upon her shoulders and she has just about had enough of it all. "What is it?" she asks wearily, her fingers briefly grazing the back of the brunette's T-shirt to get her attention once again. "Please don't tell me it's work."

"It's not work." Olivia's voice is low and unsure, a hint of a tremble in her words as she sets her glass down next to Amanda's and begins pressing her thumb into the screen of her phone. "Tucker just texted me. He wants me to call him."

"You don't have to call him if you don't want to, Liv," Amanda says softly, a hint of protective anger lacing her words when she remembers what Tucker had said to her boss in the office earlier that day, telling Olivia so firmly that he would see her that night, as if she didn't have a choice in the matter and fully expecting her to show up at home after the way he had been treating her. "You've already told him that you're staying here with me overnight and you don't owe him more of an explanation than that."

"It's okay, Amanda," Olivia replies tiredly, giving her a brief, distracted pat on the knee as she gets to her feet with the phone pressed against her ear and begins striding into the kitchen. "I'll just chat with him for a minute."

Amanda blows out a large breath of air and leans back against the cushions with her wine glass purposefully in hand again, draining the last of the crimson liquid in one giant gulp before refilling it from the bottle that is nearly empty and listening to Olivia's quiet murmurs in the kitchen, bare feet pacing quickly back and forth across the floor tiles as she speaks, obviously trying to keep her voice down so Amanda can't overhear the conversation. She lets her eyelids drift gratefully closed as she awaits the brunette's return, so many different emotions swirling through her system that the alcohol has annoyingly been unable to obliterate; concern for Olivia's well being, grief over losing Dodds, exhaustion from the non-stop work and worrying, and another feeling that she doesn't wish to admit to; that little green monster of jealously poking its head out of the other intense emotions and reminding her of those long-buried feelings that she has for her lieutenant, wishing Tucker would just leave Olivia alone while she is spending time with her.

Amanda is momentarily startled when she feels the cushions dip down right next to her, jolted from the light sleep she had fallen into as her eyelids fly open to fix tiredly on the rigid form of her boss who is pouring the tiny amount of wine that remains in the bottle into her glass before taking a swig. She straightens up instantly from her slumped position and puts a hand on Olivia's shoulder, rubbing soft circles against her T-shirt before squeezing gently and wondering why the older woman is keeping her face averted.

"Are you alright, Liv?" Amanda asks quietly, feeling the muscles of the other woman's back bunching up beneath her fingertips as she trails her hand over the well worn material of her top. "What happened?"

"We broke up," Olivia replies tersely, throwing her head back and draining the last of the wine before plunking the glass down onto the coffee table with a loud bang that has Amanda wincing briefly. "He ended things."

"He broke up with you over the phone?" she mutters incredulously, moving closer to Olivia's stiff body on the couch and wanting nothing more than to put her arms around the brunette and pull her into a comforting embrace. "Wow, that's classy. I'm really sorry, Liv." Her tone is not entirely sincere and she is of two minds when it comes to the break-up; thinking it for the best that the relationship has come to an end but not wanting Olivia to endure any more loss than she has already been made to go through. There is a righteous indignation that permeates the other emotions, as she doesn't think it's very fair that Tucker had been the one to end things when Olivia has been so horribly mistreated, or at least that is how Amanda has come to see things.

"It's okay, really," Olivia says wearily, leaning forward on the couch with her elbows braced on her knees and her head drifting down to rest in her hands. "He just beat me to the punch. He had the courage to do what I couldn't. Or rather, he did what I've been too exhausted to do. It's better this way."

"Is it?" Amanda responds doubtfully, not because she disagrees with what Olivia has just said but due to the trace of uncertainly in the older woman's tone, like she doesn't quite believe her own words, the brunette's body language also suggesting otherwise.

"Yes," Olivia says resolutely, like she is trying to make herself believe what she is saying. "He was right to do what he did."

"You'll have to excuse me here, Olivia, because I've had a lot to drink and there is definitely no love lost between that man and I, but Tucker is a complete asshole, okay?" Amanda snaps vehemently, unable to control the rapid spill of words from her mouth and cursing herself for drinking so much. "You're bruised and broken over the loss of one of your team members and he just kicks you to the curb? I mean, obviously this is for the better, but come on, Liv, what the hell is wrong with him? Why was he right to do what he did?" The next words pour out from between parted lips before she can stop them, and Amanda knows for sure that the booze is turning against her now and making her say things that she normally wouldn't. "Do you think you deserve to be dumped because of what happened to Dodds?"

"Don't ask me questions like that, Amanda!" Olivia snaps back, turning a very frosty pair of dark eyes upon her, the irises almost black with diffuse emotions, namely exasperation and misery and regret, with a hint of resignation as well. "It's complicated, alright? And quite frankly, it's none of your damn business." She can hear the weariness in Olivia's tone beginning to turn toward hostile anger and is quite unhappy with the negative turn this peaceful evening has taken, feeling very remorseful for the way she has just spoken.

"It's not like this is entirely his fault," Olivia adds in chagrin, those brown eyes still focused intently upon her in a very unsettling way. "I'm not completely innocent in all of this."

"You're just sad, Liv," Amanda says softly, her heart breaking for the way the lieutenant is talking about herself and wanting nothing more than to wrap Olivia up in her safe embrace like she has already done twice that day, and try to soothe the hurt away with physical touch. "It's not a crime to be sad. And Dodds passed away less than a month ago. You're still adjusting to things and trying to come to terms with what has happened, and Tucker didn't even give you the courtesy of healing properly before deciding he was done."

"Look, Amanda, I appreciate your loyalty and willingness to defend me and make me feel better, but I think I'm just going to turn in for the night, okay?" Olivia replies in a low tone that sounds somewhat choked up, a sheen of tears now visible in those coffee-colored orbs that had just been burning brightly with exhaustion and rage and now look utterly defeated. "I'll get set up right here on the couch."

"I'm not letting you sleep on the couch, Liv," Amanda replies quietly, feeling on the verge of tears herself now at the way Olivia has been treated and how the older woman is continuing to blame herself for everything that has happened over the past few weeks. "You can take my bed. I'll sleep out here."

"I'm not kicking you out of your own bed," Olivia argues in a weak voice, like she is just about ready to give up on everything altogether.

"You're not kicking me out of my own bed, I'm offering it to you," Amanda assures her gently, feeling the brunette flinch beneath her touch when she runs a tender hand down her quivering back again and wanting nothing more than to stop fighting with this woman who means so much to her. "It's fine, really. I want you to be comfortable."

"I'm perfectly comfortable on the couch," Olivia argues again in a tone that is becoming much less certain now, looking like she is about to fall over from the sheer weight of her exhausted agony.

"Olivia, that's enough, alright?" Amanda chides lightly, stroking her fingers briefly through the other woman's hair that is falling out of the bun it had been tied up in upon arrival at the apartment, before laying a tender hand on her forearm, a placating gesture and one that is meant to help her boss to her feet, Olivia appearing on the verge of a complete collapse, both physically and emotionally. "We're going to go into my room, I'm going to get you tucked into bed, and then I'm going to come back out here to sleep on the couch." She pauses momentarily, her words a little more stern when she speaks again, no room for disagreement this time. "And you are going to wake me up if you need anything at all, do you hear me?"

Olivia nods slowly in resigned weariness, tears shimmering vividly in those liquid dark eyes before she blinks rapidly and they disappear, allowing Amanda to help her get to her feet and lead her back to the bedroom, not uttering a word in protest. She makes sure all of the pillows on the bed are adequately fluffed up before holding the covers open so her lieutenant can climb underneath, her heart aching inside her chest when Olivia proceeds to turn right over on the mattress and curl up into the tiniest ball possible on the sheets, the pooling blankets dwarfing her tall form and making her appear much smaller than she actually is.

It takes every ounce of willpower that Amanda possesses to turn on her heel and pad from the room after making sure Olivia is settled in and wishing her a good night, wanting nothing more than to slide beneath the covers and snuggle up next to the older woman, soothing her like she had in both the office and the bathroom earlier that day, but knowing that Olivia just needs to be alone for the time being. When she gets herself tucked in on the couch, tired and drunk and upset, the room seeming much lonelier without her boss there with her, the tears begin slipping one by one down Amanda's cheeks until she is pushing her face into the pillow to hide her quiet sobs.


	15. Beautiful Nightmare Part 4

**This is the fourth and final installment of the "Beautiful Nightmare" storyline, and I will now be working as hard as I can to finally finish "Hurricane" and update "Hidden Scars". :)**

 **Another reminder that Noah, Jesse, and Frannie don't exist in this universe.**

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 **Title : Beautiful Nightmare Part 4**

 **Genre : Hurt/comfort/tragedy**

 **Rating : T**

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Olivia Benson is tossing and turning in a bed she likely shouldn't be laying in, the sheets and blankets that are cocooning her in their warmth smelling faintly of strawberries; a soothing and comforting scent she is becoming more and more familiar with the longer she spends time with Amanda Rollins, the other woman exuding safety and security and another indefinable quality that she can't quite put her finger on, but something that Olivia has found herself craving throughout the day. She doesn't know how many hours have passed since the blonde detective had tucked her in for the night after simultaneously experiencing both a break-up and yet another breakdown, and the deep shame that is thrumming through her system and enveloping her so thoroughly for the way she has been behaving with Amanda is akin to that of a heavy cloak being wrapped tightly around her body and pressing down upon her like a physical weight.

There is a complex storm of emotions raging inside of Olivia and making it utterly impossible to drift off into dreamland; plagued by unwanted thoughts of her subordinate's death, being dumped by her boyfriend over the phone, and another subordinate who has been invading her mind more often than not over the course of the day, the strong urge to get out of bed and make her way into the living room to apologize for everything that has occurred over the past several hours barely being tamped down as Olivia moves restlessly beneath the covers.

There is a confusing mixture of relief, disappointment, sadness and anger when she thinks about all that has transpired with Tucker over the past few weeks, and Olivia honestly doesn't know whether to be upset or overjoyed that this increasingly contentious and toxic relationship between them has suddenly come to an end. There is only sorrow and regret and gratitude when it comes to Amanda, though, and her heart clenches painfully inside her chest as she recalls hearing the softest of muffled sobs after her colleague had tucked her in for the night and retreated to the living room, the quiet sound almost inaudible and causing Olivia to wonder if she was imagining things or if her co-worker really was crying herself to sleep alone on the couch.

She had been very tempted to call out to Amanda and invite her back into the bedroom to cuddle up with her under the covers so they could both give and receive some much-needed comfort, but had settled for creeping slowly out into the dim hallway and peering into the other room, not wanting to disturb the younger woman if those muted cries were all in Olivia's head, but wanting to make sure the detective was going to be okay if she was actually upset. Amanda had been laying perfectly still on the couch when Olivia had tiptoed over to the slight form buried beneath the single blanket, the other woman's face pressed hard into the pillow and her back rising and falling rhythmically in sleep, or at least that was how Amanda had intended it to look. Olivia had stood there uncertainly for a moment, shifting from one foot to the other and weighing her options as she struggled to decide whether or not to whisper Amanda's name and reach out to lay a hand on her shoulder, but had eventually turned on her heel and trudged back to bed, slipping under the covers and curling miserably into the sheets, wishing for the detective's comforting touch to help soothe her into sleep.

As Olivia lays there staring up at the dark ceiling with wide eyes that refuse to drift closed, tears born of exhaustion and frustration and every other emotion she can name balancing precariously on the edges of her lower lashes, she thinks she hears that same sound again; a muffled sob that is drawn out into a low keening and makes the hair on her forearms stand straight up on end. She sits bolt upright up in the bed when she hears the exact same noise not one second later, followed by another louder sob right on its heels and her name being cried out into the quiet darkness of the apartment, Amanda's strangled voice pleading for her lieutenant's presence over and over again.

Olivia swings her legs over the side of the mattress and plants both feet firmly on the floor, her heart rate picking up from a sluggish beat to a hasty gallop, not bothering to get dressed before rushing out to the living room to try and provide Amanda with some assistance. The thought of changing into pajamas after the smaller woman had escorted her back to the bedroom earlier that night had not even crossed Olivia's mind in her grief-stricken turmoil and she had simply slid out of her comfortable yoga pants, leaving her in a cotton T-shirt and striped panties. When she squints into the shadowy gloom of the living room, she can see that Amanda is dressed similarly in a tank top and underwear, apparently deciding to forgo her usual nightwear or not caring enough to change properly, the other woman's quivering form sitting stiffly on the couch, small hands gripping onto the cushions with enough force to rip the stuffing right out of them.

"Olivia?" Amanda croaks out in a choked tone as Olivia drops to her knees in front of the couch, her fingers skimming up and down the younger woman's bare arms before settling on either side of the cushion and bracing the sides of her colleague's legs between her hands, the shaking of Amanda's body causing the entire piece of furniture to vibrate back and forth with the sheer force of it.

"Hey, hey, what's wrong?" she asks softly, trying to get a look at the big blue eyes in front of her, Amanda's gaze darting in every single direction of the room before finally focusing upon her with intense scrutiny, the detective's face seeming to crumple in on itself when their eyes meet.

Olivia begins to speak again when it appears that there is no immediate answer forthcoming from her co-worker, but is stunned into silence when Amanda is suddenly slumping so heavily into her chest that she almost loses her balance and goes sprawling across the floor, the smaller woman's arms winding themselves around her neck and her legs curling around Olivia's waist so that her calves are pressing tightly into her back. Amanda's face is buried in her shoulder and she is mumbling incoherently about Olivia being shot instead of Dodds, and she figures the detective has just been wrenched from a horrific nightmare and has also not quite sobered up yet, the scent of wine and those familiar strawberries hanging in the air around them.

"It's okay, it's okay," Olivia soothes repeatedly as she quickly gets over the shock of Amanda hurling herself so swiftly and unexpectedly into her embrace, her arms closing tenderly around the violently shuddering frame of the younger woman. "I think you were just dreaming, sweetheart. Everything is okay, I promise."

Amanda is either refusing to speak or is unable to find the words to adequately express what is currently happening, so caught up in whatever has been going on inside her head, and the breathy cries that are emanating from the detective's lips along with the occasional pleading for her lieutenant to just hold on and stay with her, has Olivia's heart shredding to pieces inside her chest, now totally convinced that she herself has taken the place of Dodds in Amanda's nightmare. It briefly occurs to her that they are now both in their underwear instead of just one of them, like the scene that had played out in Olivia's office that morning, and she quickly brushes off the possibility of her next action being extremely inappropriate, hesitating only briefly as she climbs onto the couch next to her sobbing subordinate and presses their bodies as closely together as possible to provide Amanda with the same sort of comfort and let the other woman know that she is there and won't let go.

"Just try to calm down," Olivia whispers in a strained voice full of emotion as she rubs a brisk hand up and down Amanda's sweaty back, feeling the smaller woman's heart pounding rapidly against her rib cage. "I'm here, sweetheart. Nothing happened to me. It's not real, it was just a dream."

She blames herself for bringing on a nightmare of this magnitude, having put Amanda through hell these past few weeks with the excessively long hours at the precinct while the detective has been working through her own grief over the passing of their colleague, as well as dumping all of her problems with Tucker right onto the younger woman's shoulders. Olivia presses her lips to the crown of Amanda's head in an attempt to continue soothing her, aware that the blonde woman has now thrown a bare thigh over her lap in an attempt to be closer to her, and finally she leans them both back against the couch cushions with Amanda's cheek resting right over her heart, strangled gasps and sobs and indecipherable words still making their way out from the detective's mouth as she desperately clutches fistfuls of Olivia's shirt.

"It's okay, I've got you," she murmurs into snarled knots of golden hair that are coming loose from the bun, Amanda's broken cries causing the tears that had welled up in her own eyes to spill over, trailing silent wet pathways down both sides of her face, surprised and saddened that the younger woman's dream of losing her boss is having this much of an affect on her.

Olivia could not possibly feel worse for snapping at Amanda earlier, after her co-worker had taken such good care of her all day, especially now that the small detective is experiencing a breakdown of her own, realizing that the other woman had been running her mouth a bit more than usual after her break-up with Tucker but it had likely been due to her excessive alcohol consumption, Olivia herself drinking quite a bit that evening as well. Amanda hadn't deserved to be spoken to in that manner when all she had done was care, and she begins whispering repeated apologies into the detective's ear, relieved when Amanda's tormented sobs trail off into soft sniffles and the occasional deep shuddering breath.

"Are you doing a bit better now?" Olivia asks softly while running a soothing hand through damp blonde hair and feeling Amanda nod against her chest, although she is still unsure if the younger woman is entirely in the present situation or not. "Are you okay for a minute if I go into the bathroom to get a cold cloth? I think you've sweated right through your clothes with that nightmare."

She feels Amanda nod again, that ache in her chest only growing stronger when the detective's hands clutch more firmly onto the front of her shirt before reluctantly letting go, Olivia carefully removing herself from Amanda's embrace and getting to her feet to head into the bathroom, the other woman's head bowed down as she briefly leaves her alone on the couch. Olivia soaks a cloth underneath the faucet in the sink and returns to the living room to see that Amanda has stripped off both her wet tank top and pair of underwear and tossed them to the floor and is now wrapped up like a burrito inside the blanket, her legs pulled up to her chest and her chin resting on her knees.

She sits back down beside the small trembling form and tenderly strokes the washcloth over her detective's damp face, Amanda's ghostly white pallor shining in the moonlight that is streaming in through the large living room windows, still appearing somewhat inebriated from the alcohol or disoriented from her nightmare, or a mixture of the two. Olivia can feel the wine still coursing steadily through her own system, although on a lower level than before, and she doesn't know if it's the booze or something else that makes her set the cloth aside on the end table and slide an arm beneath Amanda's bent knees and another around her back to lift the smaller woman into her lap, aware that she is naked beneath the material of the blanket but cradling her gently against her chest anyway, those confusing feelings she had felt in her office earlier that day making themselves known once again and feeling drawn to the detective in a way she never has before.

"Liv, I'm not wearing any clothes under here," Amanda protests quietly, inclining her chin down toward the blanket, and Olivia instantly relinquishes her hold on the slim form, horrified for invading her colleague's personal space without even asking first, and confused when the other woman only grips onto her body more tightly in response.

"I was just telling you so that you wouldn't be offended that I have nothing on," Amanda murmurs in embarrassment, pale legs poking out of the fuzzy material and tucked up on top of Olivia's thighs as they glow in the moonlight. "I tend to sweat a lot when I have bad dreams, so I usually just take everything off afterwards without even thinking about it. I hate wearing soaking wet clothes. They're so uncomfortable."

"So it's okay that I'm holding you like this?" Olivia questions with that pit of shame still simmering low inside her belly, along with something else that she is not quite ready to identify just yet, wishing more than anything that she could just turn all of these perplexing emotions off for the remainder of the night. "I'm sorry I didn't ask you first. You just looked so...broken...and I wanted to help you."

"It's more than okay, Liv," Amanda assures her softly, resting her cheek in the crook of Olivia's neck and sighing deeply. "I must have looked the same way you did in your office this morning. All I wanted to do was make your torment stop. I just wanted to hold you."

"Well, I'm glad you did," Olivia admits in a low whisper, the next words slipping from between her lips before she can stop them. "Remember when you asked me if I really wanted you to come into my office at lunch time?" She feels Amanda nod against her shoulder and hesitates briefly. "I was telling you the truth. I wanted you to come in there to do...this."

"To cuddle?" Amanda replies with a hint of amusement in her tone as well as what sounds like awe, as if she can't quite believe that her superior would want to do that kind of thing with her more than once.

"Yes, to cuddle," Olivia says with a smile quirking the corner of her mouth, a blush of embarrassment heating her cheeks. "Obviously I wasn't going to ask you to do that again, especially not in the middle of a busy lunch break with people coming in and out of my office, but it was something that I wanted...something that I felt like I needed. It was the first time since Dodds died that I felt even remotely at peace with things."

"Well, whenever you want or need that from me, Liv, just ask," Amanda whispers sincerely, leaning her head back on Olivia's shoulder so they are looking intently at one another, their faces only a few inches apart. "And before you say it's inappropriate again, I'm going to tell you that I couldn't care less. If you're looking for comfort, I'm here." There is an odd note in the other woman's tone, like she is about to say something else, and Olivia waits patiently as she smooths Amanda's hair back from her forehead, but the detective lapses into silence and just stares up at her with those huge blue eyes.

"Thank you, Amanda," she finally replies quietly as they continue to gaze at each other, Olivia taking in the tear stains on the younger woman's cheeks and the way her small hand is holding firmly onto the front of shirt again. "You said you sweat a lot when you have bad dreams. Do you have frequent nightmares, honey?"

"Yeah, I do," Amanda murmurs almost inaudibly, biting down on her bottom lip as her eyes stray away from Olivia's questioning gaze. "I've always been prone to them, it seems, but ever since Dodds died, I've been having them a lot more. I know I wasn't at the scene right when it happened, but in my dreams, I'm there. Sometimes I watch Dodds get shot, or Fin or Carisi, and sometimes..." The detective's voice trails off and her eyes meet Olivia's again, cobalt orbs bright with unshed tears. "Sometimes I watch you die, Liv."

"Is that what happened in your nightmare?" Olivia asks softly, reaching up to stroke a soothing fingertip across Amanda's cheekbone, her stomach twisting with guilt because she knows that her subordinates have also been deeply affected by their colleague's death, even though she has been acting like they haven't, too caught up in her own grief and regret to pay much attention to anyone else's.

Amanda nods slowly and Olivia watches a tear slip down her cheek, the detective's voice wavering and hushed when she speaks again. "I dreamed that I was there that day in the house and you had gotten shot instead. You mean a lot to me, Liv. I can't imagine losing you. I don't know if I could ever get over it."

Olivia is momentarily at a loss for words at the sheer depth of emotion apparent in the smaller woman's tone, and she leans forward the barest amount to press a soft kiss against Amanda's forehead. "I'm so sorry, sweetheart," she says emphatically, her hands holding onto the younger woman's arms over top of the blanket and squeezing gently. "I'm sorry that I've been so lost in my own grief that I haven't paid much attention to those around me. I know our entire team has been hurting very badly and I've barely even acknowledged that. I've hardly paid attention to Tucker since it happened because I can't seem to think about anything else; can't stop obsessing over every little detail, so I can't even blame him for ending the relationship. And I had no right to speak to you the way I did earlier. Please forgive me."

"There's nothing to forgive," Amanda answers gently but firmly, removing one of her arms from the blanket so she can grasp onto Olivia's hand and link their fingers together. "We both said some things while we were drinking. We're both lost in our own grief, and now yours has been compounded because of the break-up. But Liv, you have _got_ to stop blaming yourself for things that aren't your fault and start seeking out support from other people more often, like you did with me today. Fin and Carisi and I have been trying to support each other as much as we can, and it kills me to know that the person who should have been your biggest supporter has abandoned you right when you need him the most. You didn't deserve that, Liv, even if you think you did. But I'm here with you, okay? And I'll never leave you, I promise."

Olivia expels a long sigh and lets her eyelids flutter closed in exhaustion, that bone-deep sadness taking hold once again and threatening to drag her into a darkness she might never recover from, the loss of both Dodds and Tucker weighing so heavily upon her soul like a physical object. But there is the tiniest spark of light emerging from that deep black pit of anguish and despair, a bright spot of comfort and safety and something else that cannot yet be named poking hesitantly through and pushing up against all of that heartache, the woman she is holding so tenderly in her lap providing the briefest glimpse of hope that things will eventually get better and she is no longer alone in her torment.

Olivia feels a featherlight touch of a fingertip stroking along one cheekbone and her eyelids slowly drift open again to fix intensely upon Amanda, the other woman gazing at her so steadily, it's as if the detective can see straight through into her soul, a shiver running down Olivia's spine in response. "Thank you, Amanda," she whispers gratefully, the barest hint of a smile touching her lips and stretching across her face. "Thank you for not leaving me."

"I'll never leave you," Amanda repeats softly, their eyes locked unwaveringly upon one another, and Olivia's breath catches in her throat when the blonde detective leans forward to press her lips very gently against her own, Olivia instantly responding in kind, their mouths moving very lightly over each other's in a tender caress that lasts only seconds before pulling away and resting their foreheads together.

The gesture is predominantly chaste, an action that is meant to convey comfort and hope in a time of extreme grief and upheaval, but there is just the briefest trace of something more that lingers beneath the surface; the possibility of things to come in the future when there has been some distance from recent events and a certain amount of healing has taken place, the belief that even admist the darkness, there is still light.


	16. Stranded

**This chapter takes place in the winter of season 19, although Noah, Jesse, and Frannie don't exist. I thought it would be fun to strand the squad at the precinct during a snowstorm so Olivia and Amanda would have an excuse to cuddle on the couch in Liv's office, lol. Also, I needed a bit of break from all of the really dark stuff I've been writing lately, so this is just some lighthearted fluff.**

 **I'm very sorry for the delay with updating "In Your Arms" - I'm working on several different stories at the same time, so sometimes it's hard to get new updates posted in a timely fashion. I do have part of the next chapter written, though, and I hope to have it posted very soon! :)**

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 **Title : Stranded**

 **Genre : Humor/romance**

 **Rating : T**

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Amanda Rollins is standing impatiently in the middle of the crib, blue eyes wandering among the bunk beds as she surveys the chaotic situation in the room with her hands planted firmly on her slim hips and a perturbed frown fixed upon her delicate features. The space is filling up so quickly with fellow cops who have been stranded overnight by the vicious snowstorm that is currently burying New York City under several feet of the fluffy white stuff, that she is unsure if she will even have a place to sleep for the next several hours.

She observes Fin and Carisi arguing heatedly over one of the only spare beds that are left and rolls her eyes as she watches their immature antics, which have actually led to a tug-of-war with the ratty blanket that had been resting on the narrow mattress. Amanda sighs deeply when she realizes that neither of the men are going to offer the bunk to her and that it doesn't even matter anyway because she does not wish to spend the night cooped up in the crib with any of the other police officers who are presently crammed like sweating sardines into the small room. Her displeasure with the situation only escalates when she hears Carisi announce that he usually sleeps in the nude; this proclamation immediately followed by several loud groans of disgust and protest from their colleagues, as well as a hard smack in the face with a pillow by Fin.

"Screw this," she mutters under her breath, overcome with sheer annoyance as she marches from the crib and makes her way back down the stairs into the squad room, shaking her head and sighing again when she sees the mess that is leftover from the sparse dinner the team had shared that evening; a mixture of chips and pretzels and soda, along with other high-quality items that had been retrieved from the vending machine in the hallway for a night of fine dining.

Amanda slumps into the chair at her desk and rests her face in the palms of her hands, listening to the howling of the wind just outside the windows and imagining the world of white that awaits them whenever they will finally be able to leave the station. The snowstorm that was supposed to hit just west of the city had taken a sudden turn in the middle of the day and begun dumping massive amounts of precipitation onto them in such a short span of time that they had found themselves stranded overnight with absolutely no choice but to stay put right where they are.

Amanda had changed into the gym shorts and T-shirt that she usually keeps in a bag inside her locker, figuring the outfit could comfortably substitute for pajamas and would be more than adequate for her time spent in the sweltering heat of the crib, but now that she is back down in the squad room and away from the perspiring bodies of her co-workers, she finds herself shivering in her chair, shoulders hunching up to her ears as she keeps her face buried in her hands. All she wants is to retreat to her quiet apartment for the night and indulge in a large glass of wine while watching some bad reality TV, desperately needing a break from the place where she has spent the majority of her week dealing with the constant array of sickening cases.

"Amanda, are you okay?"

A soft voice that exudes both femininity and strength breaks into her wistful thoughts of home, and Amanda's head snaps up to see Olivia leaning against the open door of her office, the lieutenant's classy work outfit having been traded for a black striped T-shirt and a pair of casual blue jeans, her shoulder-length dark tresses swept up into a messy bun that rests at the nape of her neck and tendrils of escaping hair framing a face that looks tired and stressed from their busy day and the unexpected weather.

"Yeah, I'm fine; there's just nowhere to sleep," Amanda grumbles in exhaustion, pushing back from her desk and standing up to join the older woman by the door, crossing her arms over her chest in dismay of their predicament. "The crib has been taken over by a bunch of immature men who are fighting over blankets and beds, as well as Carisi threatening to blind us all by sleeping in the nude."

"Okay, I really didn't need to know that," Olivia answers dryly, quirking an eyebrow at her while Amanda chuckles in response. "That's not the image I want to have in my mind when I close my eyes before I fall asleep."

"Yeah, well, I'm guessing you can speak for all of us in that respect," Amanda readily agrees as she shares a laugh with her boss, privately wondering what Olivia thinks about when she goes to bed at night and curious as to whether she herself ever crosses the brunette's thoughts, as Olivia is usually the one starring in her own dreams every night.

Things have seemed easier between them lately, a camaraderie and contentment springing up in their working relationship that had been largely absent in recent years and has actually led to some moments that could be considered genuine friendship. Amanda has been thoroughly enjoying this refreshing shift in the normally tense dynamic amidst them, as it has been something she has longed for since arriving from Atlanta so long ago; the immense amount of awe and adoration she carries for Olivia Benson never having dwindled despite the very rough patches they had endured, and quite aware that her infatuation goes well beyond that of a subordinate or friend.

"So where are you sleeping tonight, then?" The other woman's question breaks suddenly into her reverie, Amanda blinking like one coming out of a trance as she realizes that she has practically been staring a hole right though Olivia's body as she thinks about her.

"Uh, probably just at my desk?" She can see the brunette's lips twitching slightly and knows that Olivia has caught her in the act of staring, but rather than appearing upset or angry about it, the lieutenant just seems amused by Amanda's reaction.

"I think that would be a very awkward and uncomfortable spot to spend the night," Olivia chastises gently, that amusement giving way to an expression and tone that are both unreadable, Amanda tilting her head to the side as she fixes her boss with a curious gaze.

"Well, where do you suggest I spend the night, then, Liv? With you in your office?" she asks in a low voice that has come out much more sultry than she had intended it to, clearing her throat with a rough cough and hoping Olivia hasn't noticed the unanticipated change.

"Actually, yes, I was going to see if you wanted to share the couch with me," Olivia replies lightly, Amanda's eyebrows flying high up on her forehead in shock. "Don't look so surprised," the older woman continues with a soft laugh, motioning for Amanda to join her in the office and closing the door behind them when they are both inside. "I wasn't going to leave you upstairs with all of the guys for the night. At least we have some privacy in here; blinds that close and a door that locks and no one threatening to sleep in the nude," she adds wryly, Amanda swallowing hard against the sudden lump in a throat that has gone dry as the dessert, even though she knows that Olivia is merely referring to Carisi's joking comment.

"I figured we could each take an end," Olivia says briskly as she settles onto the couch and gestures toward a cushion with one hand while tugging a checkered blanket out from underneath the piece of furniture with the other. "But I can always sleep at my desk if this is making you uncomfortable." There is a quiet hesitance apparent in the older woman's voice now as she appraises Amanda thoughtfully, possibly afraid that she has overstepped the boundaries with her subordinate, and Amanda rushes to assure her that this isn't the case at all and the suggestion is more than fine.

"Liv, weren't you just telling me how awkward it would be to sleep at my desk?" she responds casually as she takes a seat next to Olivia on the couch and slowly spreads the blanket over her bare knees, suppressing a shiver at the chilly temperature of the room. "It's fine if we share and I really appreciate you asking. This is so much better than sleeping up in the crib with all of the guys. I wonder if Carisi has stripped naked yet," Amanda snickers under her breath, earning herself a playful shove in the arm from Olivia and wondering what else she can say to encourage another similarly welcome touch from the brunette.

When Olivia has gotten back up to turn out the light and they are both settled on the couch beneath the blanket with each of their heads resting on a cushion at either end and the length of their bodies unavoidably touching, an expectant silence descends upon the room that is broken only by the whipping of the snowy wind outside and the distant whooping and hollering from the men upstairs.

"God, you would think there were a bunch of adolescent boys up there instead of a group of seasoned police officers," Amanda hears Olivia mutter sleepily under her breath as she feels the older woman shift slightly on the couch beside her. "It sounds like the world's most obnoxious slumber party."

"They're probably having pillow fights in their underwear," Amanda adds with a chuckle, before realizing that the brunette has lifted her head off the cushion and is glaring down the length of the couch at her, feeling a cold foot swiping chidingly against her calf muscles.

"Amanda, I'm going to kindly remind you not to put disturbing images like that in my head just as I'm about to fall asleep," Olivia grumbles in chagrin, the annoyance in the lieutenant's voice and her following statement causing the chuckles to turn into full-fledged laughter. "I'd rather have anything in my head but the thought of Fin and Carisi and the other guys dressed only in their tighty-whities, flinging pillows at each other."

Both Amanda and Olivia have dissolved into fits of giggles now, the couch rocking with the force of their laughter, and Amanda reaches up to wipe tears of mirth from her eyes as she comes to the realization that she is actually glad to be stuck here with her normally uptight boss; the close sleeping quarters and the immature jokes reminding her of the sleepovers with friends she had experienced in her youth. There is definitely a huge difference with this particular sleepover, however, as she is acutely aware of just how close her body is pressed to that of Olivia's, the loudly shared laughter seeming to have jostled them even further into the middle of the cushions as their limbs brushing tantalizingly together.

Amanda feels a sudden shiver run down her spine at the delicious proximity of Olivia's form and the slight hint of coconut perfume that is wafting in the air around them, the brunette's pant-clad leg very warm against her own bare one.

"Are you alright, Amanda?" Olivia asks in concern, Amanda's heart seizing in her chest when she feels the other woman briefly squeeze her knee, her boss' fingers seeming to linger for a beat longer than necessary. "You're shaking. Are you cold?"

"Yes, I am," Amanda replies quickly, deciding that this is not exactly a lie, as she had been absolutely freezing only a few moments ago but now feels as if she is about to sweat right out of the shorts and T-shirt she is wearing, highly tempted to just strip naked for some much-needed relief.

The thought of laying there with no clothing on while pressed so intimately against Olivia does nothing to help the rapidly accelerating warmth of her body and only skyrockets it even further, Amanda in danger of perspiring to death while the icy blizzard rages noisily just outside the windows.

"It is pretty chilly in here, isn't it?" Olivia acknowledges in that worried tone of voice that melts Amanda's heart; not at all used to the more tender side of her superior, at least when it comes to her. "I can check to see if there's another blanket around here somewhere, if you want."

"Liv, don't worry about it," Amanda assures the older woman, reaching out a hand to stop Olivia from vacating the couch in search of another cover that will likely result in her demise, as she feels like she is close to exploding from the raging inferno that is boiling within her body. "I'm fine, I swear."

"Well, I don't want you to be cold," Olivia responds quietly, and Amanda feels the brunette shifting towards the back of the couch, her previously racing heart now in an all-out gallop at her boss' next uncharacteristically timid words. "Do you want to come lay down in front of me?"

Before Amanda can force any of the stuttering words out of her mouth that are scrambling around awkwardly on tongue, Olivia is practically tripping over herself to apologize for being inappropriate, the other woman making a move to get up off the cushions and Amanda desperate to prevent the impending escape. As if her body is on autopilot and she has no control over her trembling limbs, she finds herself quickly changing positions on the couch so that she is lying flush against Olivia's body again but this time with her back to the taller woman's chest, their entwined forms tucked beneath the blanket that is rapidly becoming an overheated cocoon.

Amanda feels Olivia's arm wrapping loosely around her waist and tugging her impossibly closer into her curvy frame, their hands meeting and fingers linking like these gestures are something they are used to doing on a regular basis, actions that are perfectly natural; and just like that, they are resembling two puzzle pieces that were meant to fit together.

Amanda tries without success to calm her wildly hammering heart, as she is very aware that Olivia can feel it, but her entire body seems to be thrumming with a variety of emotions now; joy and satisfaction as well as utter disbelief that she is finally in the position she has wished to be in since before her transfer from Atlanta, and intense anticipation for what might be to come.

"Are you sure you're cold?" Olivia murmurs skeptically into her ear, inducing another sharp shiver that races down Amanda's spine before she can contain it. "Because it feels like you're sweating a lot."

"Well, I'm actually quite overheated," Amanda admits in a whispered tone, deciding that this is the perfect time to finally get something important out into the open that has been weighing on her mind and heart for years now; that need to tell Olivia exactly how she feels. "Being this close to you is...um...well, it's doing things to me, Liv."

There is a soft chuckle that sounds right beside her head and reverberates pleasantly through Amanda's overheated body, Olivia's arm tightening around her in response "I guess I'm a little bit dense here because I was just about to ask if you have a fever. I thought you might be getting sick. You know, freezing cold one second and boiling hot the next."

They break into sudden laughter again at the older woman's obliviousness and Amanda feels a loosening of the apprehension inside her chest, turning around in Olivia's embrace so they are now eye to eye in the dim room, and reaching up to brush a stray strand of hair away from the brunette's forehead. Her eyelids flutter closed in pleasure as Olivia's hand comes up to stroke tenderly along her cheekbone, and she reaches up to link their fingers together once again.

"I didn't think you shared my feelings," Olivia says softly, her voice trembling with emotion, and Amanda's eyes fly open at this somewhat breathy and shocking revelation from the other woman, completely stunned at the words that have just come out of Olivia's mouth; incredible words that she has been longing to hear since her arrival in New York. "I didn't think you felt the same way about me."

"Well, I _do_ ," she replies with a loving firmness as she closes the tiny gap between them to press her lips gently against Olivia's, thrilled when the brunette responds with an instant enthusiasm and ecstatic that the previously irritating evening has played out this way. "I feel the exact same way about you, Liv. And there's no one in the world I'd rather be stranded with."


	17. Stranded Part 2

**I received a couple of requests to continue "Stranded", so this is the second part. Just a reminder that Noah, Jesse, and Frannie don't exist.** **This chapter picks up right where the previous one left off.**

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 **Title : Stranded Part 2**

 **Genre : Humor/romance**

 **Rating : T  
**

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Amanda feels like she is in the middle of a glorious dream and if she reaches down to give her arm a hard pinch, she'll suddenly jolt awake and be catapulted right back into harsh reality; one that doesn't include being wrapped up in Olivia's intoxicating embrace on the couch in her office and afraid that she might actually still be upstairs in the crib, surrounded by sweating, arguing men who are fighting over pillows and blankets like a bunch of toddlers at a daycare center.

Their gentle kisses have turned somewhat frantic with need and sneaky hands have begun wandering slowly into uncharted territory, their actions indicating that neither one of them are intending on stopping at any time soon, despite the fact that they are at the precinct with only a locked door between them and the rest of their squad.

"Just for the record, there's no one in the world I'd rather be stranded with either," she hears Olivia murmur into her ear in between planting soft kisses against the heated skin of her neck, echoing what Amanda has just said and causing a shiver of pleasure to run down her spine at the older woman's very welcome words, the feeling of the brunette's plump lips pressing into the column of her throat inducing another wave of intense arousal.

"You're not going to make me go back upstairs, are you?" Amanda inquires breathlessly as she pulls away slightly so she can look the other woman right in the eye, Olivia's piercing gaze darker than she has ever seen it.

"No, of course not. Why on earth would I make you do that?" Olivia replies with a confused frown as she strokes a tender fingertip over Amanda's cheekbone.

"I just keep thinking that this whole scenario is actually a dream and I'm about to wake up in the middle of the crib with Carisi threatening to get naked so he can sleep more comfortably," Amanda snickers quietly as she watches the brunette roll her eyes and shake her head in response to this statement.

"Wow, okay, well if that image is not the worst mood killer ever, I don't know what is," Olivia mutters distastefully, her frown deepening even though she lets out an amused chuckle at the same time. "You really need to stop bringing this subject matter to my attention, Amanda."

"Sorry about that, Liv," she laughs in reply, the two of them lapsing into the same immature giggling fit they had shared a few minutes earlier, before falling silent again; the wind continuing to howl with a frightening ferocity just outside the window and the snow being pelted against the building with regularly audible splats.

The quiet, contemplative mood continues for a moment longer as they remain wrapped up tightly in one another's arms, gazing intently at each other before Olivia opens her mouth to speak again. "You know, maybe killing the mood was a good thing," she points out softly, a hand coming up to feather gently through Amanda's sweat-dampened bangs. "We shouldn't be doing this here; it's beyond inappropriate. There's a time and a place for this kind of thing, and being stranded with several of our fellow police officers at work during a snowstorm definitely isn't it."

Amanda is immediately regretful of bringing up Carisi's possible nudity yet again, cursing herself for joking around about her co-worker's sleeping preferences during such an intimate moment with Olivia that could have led to so much more, if only she had kept her damn mouth shut. There is a part of her that knows Olivia is right and that even what they are doing now, sharing kisses that are growing more demanding and allowing exploring fingers to slip lightly beneath rumpled clothing, is still considered crossing the line in a major way between boss and subordinate, especially because of where these actions are taking place.

"Okay, maybe it would be better if I just go back out to my desk, then," Amanda mumbles in disappointment as she begins pulling further out of Olivia's arms with the intent of vacating the couch altogether and leaving the office. The thought of spending the rest of the night sprawled awkwardly in her chair in the squad room does not fill her with joy, especially since that rampant lust and desire is still thrumming through her system with a ferocity that won't let up; one brief touch of Olivia's lips against her own enough to have her hooked for good.

"Hey, I didn't say you had to leave," Olivia responds in protest, and Amanda feels cool fingers slipping around her wrist to hold her in place, sighing deeply as she throws a glance back at the other woman who is stretched out enticingly across the cushions behind her.

"Well, how do you suggest we go about this, then, Liv?" she asks with no small amount of dismay evident in her tone, noticing that Olivia's grip has tightened somewhat around her wrist and the brunette seems to be attempting to tug her back onto the couch. "I'm guessing it wouldn't be a good idea to continue trying to...sleep...in this particular position." Her voice chokes up slightly on the word _sleep_ , as that has been the farthest thing from her mind since she had first set foot in the lieutenant's office, her entire being consumed with thoughts of Olivia.

"I'm not really sure how we should go about this, but why don't you just stay here while we figure it out?" Olivia murmurs with a hint of a smile that washes away the sudden seriousness of the moment, Amanda smiling back and letting herself be drawn into her former spot on the couch, relishing in the feeling of the older woman's arm wrapping around her once again.

Despite the little chat they have just shared and Olivia's warning about how inappropriate it would be to keep moving forward in this way, the second Amanda's body is pressed so intimately against the brunette's, she can tell that things are going to spiral right out of control again. Within seconds she has whirled around in Olivia's embrace so they are facing each other once more, their lips pressing together with an intensity that is even stronger than it was mere minutes before, and Amanda throws a leg over Olivia's waist to cement their bodies as close to one another as she possibly can, grinding her hips ever so slightly into the curvy figure snuggled up against her and listening pleasurably as the action elicits a breathy moan from Olivia's mouth.

"Amanda, we really need to talk about this," the older woman breathes raggedly into her ear as they continue to kiss and touch with a passion that does not promise to abate anytime soon. "This is all so new. We've just admitted to having feelings for each other and we have no idea where this is going-"

"I think I might have an idea where this is going," Amanda chuckles seductively into her ear, feeling Olivia shiver lightly next to her and scraping her fingernails softly back through the thick brown tresses that have fallen free from the loose bun they had been scooped into at the nape of Olivia's neck. "But you're right, we should definitely talk about things."

"Okay, let's talk, then," Olivia gasps into her mouth as Amanda's other hand slides swiftly beneath the hem of her boss' shirt and begins massaging small circles across the pebbled bare skin of her lower back.

"Alright, you go first, Liv," Amanda pants encouragingly against her ear before lavishing a pattern of wet kisses down the smooth line of Olivia's neck and is immediately rewarded with another moan, this one louder and more drawn-out than the last. "I'm listening."

"Um, okay..." Olivia's voice trails off uncertainly as Amanda's fingers move slowly around to the front of the older woman's body, her hand trapped between their quivering forms and still tucked up beneath Olivia's shirt as it comes to rest upon the quivering muscles of the older woman's stomach.

"I'm waiting, Liv," she whispers with a hint of amusement into the brunette's ear, the wild haze of lust and excitement only seeming to pull tighter around them both, despite their attempts to keep things professional at the precinct and to actually be able to engage in a discussion with each other instead of moving forward with their erotic intentions.

Their breathy moans and caressing hands are suddenly interrupted by a loud banging on the outside of the office door, Amanda wrenching herself free from Olivia's grasp with a stunned and terrified inhale of breath, and she swears that she can feel her heart stutter to a complete stop inside her chest. The unexpected movement is so forceful that it causes her to teeter precariously on the edge of the cushion for a split second before falling backwards right off the couch despite Olivia's fumbling attempts to catch her, sprawling onto the floor in an undignified heap of wrinkled gym clothes and blonde hair that is so tangled it looks as if they have already engaged in several rounds of sex.

"Who the hell is that?" she hisses in alarm as Olivia reaches down to help pull her off the floor, the older woman's hands instantly coming up to comb through Amanda's unruly hair and smooth over the outfit that she keeps in her locker for regular trips to the gym but has been substituted for pajamas that evening.

"Lieu!" they hear Carisi call out a moment later, immediately answering that question for her and only making Amanda even more annoyed with her co-worker than she had been up in the crib earlier. "Sorry to bother you but I was just wondering if you've seen Amanda? She disappeared from the crib and now I can't find her anywhere."

"Oh, for god's sake," Amanda mutters in chagrin as she scrubs her hands over her face with a mixture of frustration and exhaustion and quickly-ebbing arousal. "Does he think I've gone missing or something? We literally can't even leave the building, considering how much snow is piled up outside. How far could I have possibly gone?"

"A good detective is never off the job," Olivia replies with a sarcastic roll of her eyes and an impatient flap of her hand, as if asking Amanda to take care of this situation so she doesn't have to be bothered with it after such a long day of dealing with the usual stressful issues at SVU, as well as the inclement weather.

"No worries, Liv, I've got it," Amanda assures the older woman as she takes a step toward the door and begins turning the knob, resolute in protecting them both from incurring any suspicion or accusations from another of their fellow officers outside of this room and hoping everyone will just assume that the only two females of their stranded group had decided to bunk together for the night in order to have some privacy and quiet while they sleep.

"Oh, hey, Amanda, there you are," Carisi says in surprise when she opens the door and steps into the squad room, pulling it firmly closed behind her.

"Yes, here I am," she confirms with an irritated sigh, spreading her arms out to the sides as if to display that she is indeed safe and sound and has not met with any sort of foul play in the short amount of time since they had last seen each other, before letting her arms drop tiredly down again.

"I've been looking all over the place for you," Carisi replies with a frown, his hands resting on his hips and a worried expression fixed on his face, Amanda quite relieved to see that her colleague is still fully clothed, despite his joking threats to strut around in nothing but his birthday suit.

"Well, you obviously didn't look that hard," she chuckles in fatigue, swiping a hand back through long hair that is still wet with sweat and hoping it isn't too noticeable. "I'm spending the night in here with Liv, since there's not much room up in the crib. Did you think something was wrong?"

"Well, I _did_ want to make sure you were okay, but I kind of had an ulterior motive for finding you," Carisi admits sheepishly, Amanda's eyebrow arching high in question. "Well, see, I was kind of hoping that I could bunk in the lieu's office for the night and I was wondering if you could ask her for me? I thought she might be more apt to say yes if you were the one who asked. And, well, you know, especially seeing as you're already sleeping in there, anyway. Do you think she would mind?"

"You can't be serious, Carisi," Amanda chokes out with a laugh, both highly amused by this request and deeply annoyed, as all she wants is for her fellow detective to turn on his heel and march right back up the stairs he had descended from, leaving she and Olivia to continue on with what they had started.

"I'm completely serious," Carisi states in a tone that implies as much, her co-worker crossing his arms over his chest in a gesture that indicates he should be taken at his word. "I can't stand it up there, Amanda. It's an absolute hellhole. It's hot and smelly and there's nowhere to sleep. The other guys have taken all the beds and Fin stole the only blanket and pillow I could find. So I'm spending the night curled up in a ball on the rock hard floor. I'm very uncomfortable."

"Fin stole your blankie?" Amanda smirks in response, unable to conjure up any sympathy for Carisi after her time with Olivia had been so rudely interrupted, particularly considering the reason why. "You're a big boy, Sonny. Just go back up there and demand that Fin return your blankie to you. I'm sure he'll comply immediately," she adds with a snicker, picturing her partner's poker face and his calm and undisturbed body language as Carisi begs for his blanket back.

"Amanda, this is no laughing matter," Carisi insists firmly, throwing his hands up into the air as he continues to explain his predicament. "If I don't get at least eight hours of sleep a night, I'm a complete wreck the next day."

" _Eight hours_ of sleep?" Amanda repeats incredulously as both eyebrows raise high on her forehead now. "You're living in a dream world there, Carisi. No one who works at SVU gets eight hours of sleep a night. You should be used to that by now."

"Well, I at least _try_ ," he mutters as his head tilts slightly to the side and Amanda notices with a hint of trepidation that he seems to be looking at her more closely now. "There's no harm in trying, right?"

"Nope, no harm at all," she agrees with a hurried lightness, taking a step back toward the closed office door and reaching out a hand to begin twisting the knob, eager to be done with this conversation and return to Olivia. "And I'm not sure why you thought it would be any different in here, Carisi. You would still be sleeping on the floor, since Liv and I are sharing the couch-"

Amanda cuts herself off before she can speak any further, schooling her features into an entirely blank expression and willing the impending blush not to spread in a crimson stain across her pale cheeks, reminding herself that there is no reason whatsoever to act strangely in this situation, as it is completely normal for two people to share a couch when there is no other piece of furniture in the room where they can both sleep.

"You and Lieu are sharing that little couch?" Carisi replies with more than a small amount of curiosity evident in his tone as he continues to regard her in an intent fashion. "Is that why you're so sweaty?" Amanda's heart seizes in her chest at the implication of this question before he continues speaking and her muscles loosen with temporary relief. "Is it as hot in there as it is upstairs? And especially since the two of you are pressed so closely together while you try to sleep..."

There is a dark blush burning ruddy spots of color into both of their faces now as they gaze at each other in an intense and uncomfortable silence, any tiny amount of relief that Amanda had felt disappearing entirely as something interesting and important seems to occur to her colleague, Carisi stepping forward and laying a gentle hand upon her forearm.

"Amanda, do we need to have a discussion about the extreme perils and potential consequences of engaging in sexual activity with our lieutenant?" he says very seriously, Amanda stifling a surprised and furious gasp and willing her jaw not to fall open in response, determined to keep a neutral demeanor and intending on lying right through her teeth.

"Okay, Carisi, please do me a favor and kindly fuck off," Amanda mutters as pleasantly as she can in a voice that is lowered almost to a whisper; a tight, irritated grimace that might pass for a smile pulling at the corners of her lips, terrified that Olivia or someone else will overhear what is being said between them. "And get your mind out of the gutter right now. There is absolutely nothing going on in this office besides Olivia and I trying to get some sleep while all of you wild animals upstairs continue with your arguing and pillow fights or whatever the hell it is you're all doing up there."

"Hey, your secret's safe with me," Carisi assures her lightly, reaching out to give her a small pat on the shoulder before turning away as if to head back to the crib. "I won't breathe a word to anyone, I swear. And I'm sorry for interrupting you two."

"There is no secret, Carisi!" Amanda hisses desperately after him as her fellow detective strides away with a wave of his hand and a kind smile thrown over his shoulder, disappearing into the stairwell a second later.

"Everything okay out there?" Olivia asks with suspicious concern when Amanda appears in the office again after spending several minutes standing rigidly in the squad room, clenching and unclenching her fists as she tries to calm her racing heart and persuade herself that Carisi doesn't actually know anything; that he had only come to his conclusion based on the impression he was getting from the situation and not on solid facts. "What did he want?"

"Yeah, everything is fine," Amanda replies with a brightness she doesn't quite feel, and deciding to at least be partially truthful about what they had discussed. "Carisi actually wanted to know if he could spend the night in here with us."

"Did he?" Olivia's eyebrow is arched in amusement as she gestures for Amanda to rejoin her on the couch, and she climbs tentatively back onto the cushions next to the older woman, eager to be wrapped up in her embrace once more and to continue on where they had left off, but a small part of her frightened that someone else will suddenly knock on the door again. "And why is that?"

"Fin stole his blanket and Carisi is pouting," Amanda explains wearily as she tucks her face into Olivia's neck and inhales the brunette's intoxicating scent, smiling as she feels a rumble of laughter begin shaking the taller woman's frame.

"Maybe I should go talk to everyone up there," Olivia muses with a deep sigh, Amanda burrowing closer when a tender hand starts stroking through her damp and disheveled hair. "You know, teach them the importance of sharing; something that they all should have learned way back in kindergarten."

"Or maybe you should just stay down here with me instead," Amanda suggests in a husky tone of voice as her tongue darts out to trace a slow, wet line around Olivia's earlobe and down her neck, her heart rate quickening by leaps and bounds when she feels the light shudder running through Olivia's body; the potential consequences of their actions flying right out of her brain altogether as her thoughts are once again consumed only by the woman in her arms.

"Yeah, maybe I should," Olivia agrees softly, a slight smile touching Amanda's lips and her stomach turning a quick somersault as a warm mouth descends upon her own and they continue on as if there had never been an interruption in the first place.


	18. Stranded Part 3

**I've received some more requests to continue this storyline, so this will be the third and final installment. Just another reminder that Noah, Jesse, and Frannie don't exist in this universe.  
**

 **This chapter has been bumped up to an "M" rating for very explicit sexual content , so please keep that in mind before you continue reading. It picks right back up where the previous one left off.**

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 **Title : Stranded Part 3**

 **Genre : Humor/romance**

 **Rating : M**

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A myriad of muffled noises are sounding in unison inside Olivia's office as Amanda ravages the older woman's neck with a wet line of heated kisses, the howling of the winter winds just outside the building and the pelting of snow against the windows providing a contrasting backdrop to their soft grunts and ragged breaths and barely-concealed moans. Amanda is finding it harder and harder to keep quiet as she grinds her hips repeatedly into Olivia's, their sweat-slicked bodies moving back and forth against one another in a quickly established rhythm that is pushing her ever closer to the edge; that rampant arousal threatening to explode at any second, even though they are both still fully clothed.

Despite being pressed so intimately against the brunette beneath the blanket, Amanda's desire so close to the breaking point that she has completely soaked through the panties she is wearing and is afraid of soaking right through her gym shorts as well, she can't seem to keep her thoughts from drifting toward her co-worker; trying to shake off the unease of being interrupted by Carisi and the unsettling conversation that had followed. Amanda knows that they need to put a stop to this; that they should have ended this rapidly escalating situation between them when Olivia had first suggested it instead of carrying on like two horny teenagers who have absolutely no control over themselves, rather than the mature, professional women they actually are.

She is very well aware that there will be hell to pay if they are caught in the act and that the consequences will most likely be catastrophic for the both of them; the thought of Carisi or Fin or any of the other guys up in the crib knocking on the door again enough to make her pull slightly away from Olivia, the older woman's lips red and swollen from the continuous kisses they have been lavishing upon one another.

"Why did you stop?" Olivia's voice is dragged out on a breathy groan of both desire and disappointment, and it is all Amanda can do not to lower her mouth back down to the enticing olive skin of the lieutenant's neck, repeating her earlier action of licking a slow, sensual pathway upward and finishing the moist trail by biting down gently on her earlobe.

"Because we need to," she gasps out in dissatisfaction, yanking herself abruptly away from the curvy figure of her boss and perching uncomfortably on the edge of the couch while swiping her damp blonde bangs away from her forehead. "You were the one who said it first, Liv; that this is beyond inappropriate. You know we have to stop."

"Yeah, I know we do," Olivia sighs in agreement as she sits up on the cushions next to Amanda and they perch there side by side, bodies quivering and fists clenched and knees knocking together as they try to catch their breaths. "We're letting ourselves get completely carried away here, and it's wrong." There is a brief pause as Amanda feels a gentle hand swipe over her forearm in a gesture that might be one of apology or regret. "Look, you can take the couch tonight, okay? I'll just sleep in my desk chair."

"Liv, no," she protests instantly, reaching out to try and grab Olivia's arm as the older woman stands up and begins making her way over to the desk, the lieutenant appearing to sidestep out of the way so Amanda can't catch her. "This is your office. You shouldn't have to sleep in your chair. I'll just go back out to the squad room, alright?" It doesn't even cross her mind to rejoin the rest of her colleagues up in the crib, as she can still hear the distant peal of laughter from time to time and can only imagine what is currently taking place up there.

"Amanda, I want you to be comfortable tonight," Olivia insists softly, the brunette halting by the door for a moment before hitting the switch on the wall and plunging the office into near darkness, the bright lights of the squad room barely trickling in through the closed slats of the blinds. "I'll be fine in my chair."

Amanda remains upright on the edge of the couch for several seconds, her body still burning with a fire that refuses to be put out, fingers digging hard into the spongy material of the cushions as she tries to calm herself down and let her eyes adjust to the darkness. She listens as the chair is pulled out from behind Olivia's desk and the older woman settles herself into it, before slowly laying down on the couch once again and pulling the blanket over her quickly cooling body that is littered with goosebumps; the small piece of furniture suddenly feeling much too big now that she is not sharing it with Olivia.

They have lapsed into complete and total silence, the stillness broken only by the continually raging wind and lashing snow outside and Amanda notices that even the guys have fallen quiet now, as if the entire building has simultaneously decided that it is finally time to go to sleep; the ridiculous shenanigans of bed-stealing and threats of nudity up in the crib, as well as the unseemly sexual behavior between boss and subordinate in this very room, all coming to a halt at the exact same time.

She is relieved that the juvenile slumber party antics of the men have now stopped and everyone seems to be settling down for the night, but Amanda finds that she herself cannot do the same; that her heart is still racing madly inside her chest and the delicious throbbing pulse between her legs will not cease, and she drags an exasperated hand back through her rumpled blonde hair as she blows out a sigh of aggravation. There is a part of her that is tempted to just leap right up from this couch and march across the room to yank Olivia's chair away from her desk and straddle the other woman's lap, her fingers gliding back through those silken dark tresses as her mouth descends upon her lieutenant's with a fervor that is even greater than it was before, but she remains right where she is.

"Are you okay?" The whispered voice of the brunette that suddenly breaks the silence makes Amanda jump in a startled fashion and bite down hard on her lower lip, as even that lowered, sultry tone of Olivia's is enough to induce another wave of wetness down below; Amanda pretty sure that her underwear is pasted right to her body by now.

"Yeah, I'm just a little...frustrated," she huffs out on a quick exhalation of air, her hand gripping hard onto the outside of her bare thigh in a frantic attempt to keep her fingers from moving inward. Amanda is desperate to relieve that throbbing ache between her legs, or at the very least remove her drenched panties so that she can sleep more comfortably, but she doesn't think either one of these options are appropriate so she digs her fingernails into the side of her leg to put a stop to any kind of erotic, improper actions she might decide to take.

"So am I," she hears Olivia admit in that husky tone that is driving her crazy, Amanda rubbing her legs together to try and soothe the ache that is only growing stronger, instead of diminishing with the older woman's absence from the couch.

"God, why the hell do we have to be stuck in here like this all damn night?" Amanda grits out impatiently through clenched teeth as her fingers move just the tiniest bit against her thigh, creeping inward very slowly along the edge of her shorts before coming to a halt again. "This is the worst kind of torture there is, I swear."

"Worse than Carisi parading around buck naked up in the crib?" Olivia snickers under her breath, and causing a surprised laugh to burst forth from Amanda's throat.

"Liv, I thought you said you wanted me to stop mentioning that," she smirks in amusement, the disturbing imagine that is now dancing across her brain only enough to cause her fingers to pause in their movements for a split second before starting up once more and tiptoeing across the heated bare skin of her inner thigh.

"I was just trying to help kill the mood again, since we both seem to need it," Olivia chuckles into the darkness, and Amanda laughs again in an effort to cover up her reaction as determined fingers finally make contact between her thighs, slipping beneath the leg of her gym shorts and finding that she has indeed soaked right through her panties. Her body gives a pleasured jolt and practically jerks right off the cushions as she skims a digit over the drenched crotch of the cotton material before hooking a finger underneath and finding a veritable pool of desire that is awaiting a deeper, firmer touch.

"Are you alright? What's wrong?" Olivia has stopped talking abruptly, the mirth in her voice replaced with concern and a hint of suspicion, and Amanda realizes that her attempt at laughter has come out in the form of a choked, sputtering gasp instead.

"Uh, yeah, I'm fine," she blurts out unconvincingly, her eyes rolling back in her head as she lets one fingertip circle slowly around her entrance for a moment before dipping slightly inside, the shame of doing this to herself while in the same room as her boss, especially after they had both made such an effort to _stop_ due to their circumstances, outweighed by the arousal that is threatening to combust in an explosion of epic proportions. "All good over here."

"Yeah, I bet it is," she hears Olivia mutter somewhat darkly under her breath, Amanda's heart seeming to stutter to a halt inside her chest.

"Wh-what?"

"I thought we agreed to stop, Amanda." Olivia's voice has lowered back down to that raspy tone that sends a lustful shiver racing down her spine and causes her stomach muscles to twist painfully with guilt, but it is still not enough to stop her finger from sliding deeper inside, her lips parting in a silent moan at the incredible tingling sensation that follows. "I know what you're doing over there."

 _"Fuck,"_ she grits out harshly from between a jaw that is practically wired shut with tension, a drop of sweat rolling down between her heaving breasts and deciding that there is absolutely no point in trying to deny what she is doing to herself, as she can't possibly hide it. "God, Liv, it feels so good."

 _"Amanda."_ There is a warning note evident in the other woman's tone but her voice wavers slightly on Amanda's name, and she feels her inner walls clenching more tightly around the digit and drawing it even further up into her slick passage, wondering if she will climax simply from having Olivia listen to what she is doing to herself and without the brunette even coming close enough to physically touch her.

Silence descends upon the room again and Amanda feels a hot, embarrassed flush creeping across her cheeks, knowing without a doubt that she has gone way too far now; that she has crossed over a line she can never come back from, but actually finding herself torn between removing her finger from inside of herself or taking her shorts and underwear off completely to get a better vantage point, as this position is quite awkward and and the angle is murder on her arm. The fact that she is even considering doing something like this; getting half naked so she can finish the job instead of putting an immediate stop to it and apologizing profusely before fleeing the office in shame, shows just how far gone she is, so close to the breaking point that her body is already beginning to shudder in pre-orgasmic bliss.

Amanda opens her mouth to let loose with a string of desperate apologies before Olivia decides to fire her right there on the spot, when her head suddenly tilts to the side in curiosity as there is the presence of a new sound in the room now. Her throat goes completely dry and a soft gasp of shock emits from between her panting lips when she realizes just what that sound is; when she figures out that the noise of metal creaking against metal is a zipper being slowly pulled down.

"Liv?" Amanda whispers in a voice that she doesn't even recognize; scarcely able to believe what she is hearing. "What are you doing?"

"You know that old saying 'if you can't beat 'em, join 'em'?"

"Yeah..."

"Well, I'm joining you," Olivia confirms in a hushed voice that is barely audible now, and practically drowned out by the rhythmic squeak of her desk chair that indicates the start of a repeated, rapid movement.

 _"Oh my god."_ That is all it takes for Amanda; the realization of what the older woman is doing to herself at the same time as her own finger press up very hard against her spongy front wall, and she is suddenly spasming again and again around the digit, a flood of wetness spilling out to coat the inside of her panties and her muscles clenching so tightly onto her finger that for a moment she is unable to pull it free from within the tight, heated tunnel.

"Amanda?" Olivia's questioning voice is so low and sultry that it causes another wave of arousal to wash over her in response, wondering if just the sound of the other woman's voice could possibly cause her to experience a second climax.

"Um, well, I guess you didn't get to join me for very long," Amanda chuckles in a combination of breathless exhaustion and overwhelming desire, slowly pulling her hand out of her shorts and wiping her drenched fingers off on the material. "I'm already finished."

There is a soft, amused laugh that echoes throughout the room like the tinkling of bells before quickly changing into a drawn-out moan. "Well, I'm just getting started."

"Oh god, Liv, I think you're trying to kill me here," Amanda mutters as she stifles a moan of her own in reply and hoists herself into a sitting position on the couch, her long blonde hair matted to the sides of her face and neck with sweat, a hesitant inquiry poised on the tip of her tongue before she decides to just voice it, as they have now both crossed way over the boundary line of what is appropriate anyway. "Can I help you finish?"

There is a short, silent pause that greets her words, Amanda waiting with bated breath and hoping she won't be kicked right out of the office, when she is flooded with an overwhelming relief and an even more intense stab of lust at Olivia's breathy answer. "I'd like that."

She gulps audibly and rises slowly from the couch on shaking legs that are scarcely supporting her and threatening to give out at any second, her heart galloping so wildly inside her chest that Amanda wonders if the brunette can actually hear it. She almost trips over her own feet and lands right in Olivia's lap as she walks tentatively across the darkened room, the other woman's profile just barely lit up by the tiny amount of light trickling in through the blinds, and her breath catching sharply inside her throat when she feels Olivia grasp gently onto her hand, the lieutenant's cool fingers wrapping shakily around her own to guide her safely the rest of the way.

Amanda stands there somewhat uncertainly for a moment as she stares down at the shadowy form of her boss, pretty sure that she has ceased breathing altogether when she notices that although Olivia's striped T-shirt is still on, her jeans and underwear are now pooled around her ankles in a puddle of discarded clothing. She hovers in front of the older woman's enticing figure while their hands remain linked across the short space between them, Amanda unsure of exactly what to do until she feels Olivia give a slight tug on her arm and she is suddenly straddling the brunette's lap, her knees coming to rest on either side of Olivia's bare thighs and her arms looping around a quivering set of shoulders.

There is just a brief flash of those large brown eyes in the dimly lit room, the arousal written so plainly across Olivia's face that Amanda moans softly in response before leaning her head down to capture those plump, inviting lips once again, Olivia's mouth opening immediately to welcome Amanda's slick tongue when she probes gently for entrance. Their previously frantic, heated rhythm of grinding sensuously against one another is re-established so quickly, it's as if there had never been a break in the rhythm at all, and the room is soon filled with the same panting breaths and barely-suppressed groans of desire from earlier.

"Are you close?" Amanda breathes raggedly into Olivia's ear before planting a lingering kiss into the pebbled skin of her neck, another flood of arousal spearing through her at the brunette's instant nod.

 _"Yes,"_ Olivia gasps out in an obvious effort to keep her voice lowered, their bodies continuing to move frenetically against one another at a pace that promises neither one of them will be able to hold out for much longer. "But you said you would help me finish."

Amanda's breath catches sharply inside her throat again when she feels trembling fingers wrap around her own once more, and her hand is being guided with an aching slowness down the front of Olivia's body before coming to rest at the juncture of her spread legs, wetness coating the insides her supple thighs and the sparse dark curls that greet Amanda's seeking fingertips. She presses her forehead heavily against Olivia's, each woman moaning raggedly into the other's mouth while she gently explores this exquisite new territory with tender movements that she tries to slow down from the preceeding frantic pace.

Amanda lightly rubs her fingers down through velvety soft folds that are slick with Olivia's desire, the brunette bucking hard into her body in response and her hands now clenching very tightly onto the back of Amanda's gym shirt, before finding what she is searching for; her fingertips circling delicately around the protruding bundle of nerves they come into contact with and pressing down harder when she is met with another encouraging moan of Olivia's.

"Oh god, Amanda, right there," the brunette gasps out in pleasure, her face buried against the side of Amanda's neck now, and she increases the speed of her fingers, the erotic sound of Olivia's wetness reaching her ears and the musky smell of her arousal wafting up between them and causing Amanda to teeter precariously on the brink of another orgasm.

"Just let go, Liv; I've got you," she whispers lovingly into the other woman's ear before tracing her tongue lightly around the shell and speeding up the rhythm of her fingers just enough to feel Olivia stiffen suddenly against her and let out a deep and guttural groan, Amanda's palm instantly soaked with evidence of the lieutenant's passion and a second climax taking hold of her, the feeling so intense that it shakes her to the very core of her being.

They are silent for several moments afterwards, slumped tiredly against each other on the office chair in the darkened room as their racing hearts gradually calm and the sweat cools on their quivering bodies, arms wrapped tightly around one another as they come down from the incredible high. Amanda is gripped with a sudden guilt that pierces right through the blissful aftermath of what they have just shared together; afraid that Olivia will have regrets because of what they have done in a place where this kind of act should be entirely prohibited and off-limits, but she sags into the other woman's curvy form with an overwhelming relief when Olivia finally speaks.

"I guess it's a good thing Carisi didn't knock on the door this time," the older woman mutters under her breath, and that is all it takes for the tension to break and giddy laughter to permeate the air once again, Amanda's shoulder shaking with mirth as she and Olivia grip firmly onto each other to keep from falling to the floor in their immature fit of giggles.

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The next morning dawns sunny and bright, the world outside the windows a dazzling winter wonderland of sparkling snow that glitters like diamonds in the early light of day, everything in sight buried in a fresh coat of fluffy white. It's as if a hush has fallen over the precinct and the entire city itself as Amanda and Olivia reluctantly separate themselves from each other and get wearily off the couch to greet everyone out in the squad room, their fellow officers hollow-eyed and pasty white with lack of sleep, hair and clothing completely disheveled.

It is mostly quiet with a few grumbling words that punctuate the air here and there as they all stumble around to fill up their coffee cups as quickly as possible and search through the vending machine for something that might actually pass as a meal. It was bad enough eating dinner here the previous evening, but the thought of having breakfast with the meager, unhealthy options that are available at the station fills Amanda with such a distaste that she resolves to wait until they can leave, relieved that the snow has finally stopped falling and there now seems to be an end in sight to their forced togetherness.

She has been glancing surreptitiously around the room from time to time in an effort to ensure that no amount of suspicion seems to have fallen on Olivia or herself after spending the night together in the lieutenant's office, hoping it doesn't look like anything untoward has taken place and it was simply two women sharing a private space away from the rest of their male colleagues. There is an immense relief that floods Amanda's system when everything appears to be as it should, hardly anyone even glancing in their direction as she and Olivia sit at her desk and sip coffee from large mugs, the older woman apparently deciding that she will also be forgoing breakfast that day.

Even Fin seems too exhausted to pick on Carisi, the teasing of the younger man seeming to have come to a halt in the cold light of day, a certain restless fatigue rippling throughout the room as everyone is eager to get home. Amanda hides a smile in the rim of her coffee cup as she feels Olivia's foot brush ever so slightly against her own beneath the desk before pulling away, overcome with sensual thoughts of what they had shared together during the night and hoping this is just the beginning of what is to come; her feelings for the older woman having exploded into something she has never felt for another person before.

She knows they have a lot to discuss and is looking forward to busting out of the precinct and making her escape so that she and Olivia can have the time alone that they desperately need, without fear of an interruption the likes of which had taken place the previous evening. Amanda notices that Carisi, the interrupter himself, is the only one in the room who seems to be glancing their way every so often, a tiny, knowing smirk playing at the corner of his lips and a merry twinkle in his eye burning through the drowning exhaustion of not getting his requisite eight of hours of sleep a night.

When she gets up from her desk and heads over to the coffee machine for a much-needed refill, Amanda mentally rolls her eyes when she sees Carisi strolling casually up beside her and pausing briefly in the act of refilling his own mug.

"You know, I didn't say a word to anyone last night," he whispers in a somewhat conspiratorial manner under his breath, arching a pleased eyebrow at her. "Your secret is still safe with me and always will be, I promise."

"I have no idea what you're talking about, Carisi," Amanda murmurs placidly as she stirs a teaspoon of sugar into her cup, resolute in protecting this new relationship at all costs and letting it develop at its own pace away from the prying eyes of her colleague or anyone else from the precinct; the intimacy she shares with Olivia nobody's business but their own and repeating exactly what she had said the night before.

"There is no secret."


	19. The Christmas Blues

**This chapter takes place in the 19th season, but Noah, Jesse and Frannie don't exist. I've posted the first chapter of my fluffy holiday fic called "Only the Lonely" but I also wanted to do an angsty one as well.**

 **Since we haven't heard about Amanda's sister for over a year now, I've added a few details onto that storyline.**

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 **Title : The Christmas Blues**

 **Genre : Angst/hurt/comfort**

 **Rating : T**

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Olivia Benson's large dark eyes are watering with strain and fatigue as she stares at the computer screen in front of her, the words blurring slightly in her vision as her fingers tap out a sentence with lightning quick speed over the keyboard. She is trying to ignore the fact that it is the most depressing night of the year, intent on burying herself as far as she can into their latest case and doing her best to pretend that it's not completely pathetic to be ensconced in her office this late on a Sunday night; a Sunday that also just happens to be Christmas Eve.

Olivia's life is drastically different than it was this time last year, no boyfriend or Christmas tree or presents to go home to that night; just an empty, dark apartment that reeks of loneliness and despair. She realizes it's the companionship and camaraderie that she misses the most about her relationship with Ed Tucker, instead of the actual man himself; mourning the loss of their dissolved partnership much more tonight than she has in the past several months combined.

There is something about going home alone on Christmas Eve; a night that should be reserved for family fun and togetherness rather than the giant bottle of red wine that is awaiting her in the kitchen, that keeps Olivia planted firmly in her desk chair with her eyes fixed unwaveringly on the bright screen. She is pretty sure that whenever she allows herself to leave the precinct and head to her apartment, it will be straight to the crimson liquid that she'll use to try and obliterate every single negative thought from her brain, but will only end up causing copious amounts of tears and a blinding headache instead.

Olivia leans back in her chair with an exhausted sigh, raking her hands through disheveled brown locks that are in dire need of a hairbrush after such a long and chaotic day; glancing out the window of her office and frowning slightly when she sees the lone occupant of the squad room bent over her own desk with her head resting in her hands. Olivia has been so absorbed in her work, she had apparently failed to notice that Amanda Rollins hadn't taken leave with her colleagues earlier in the evening; Fin and Carisi riding high on a wave of joy at having a couple of days off during the holidays to spend with their families.

She studies the younger woman carefully for a moment, her heart clenching with sympathy inside her chest when she spots the minute shaking of Amanda's shoulders and wonders if she is crying. Unlike herself, Olivia knows that Amanda actually _does_ have a family but is choosing not to spend time with them; remembering the detective's comment from a few years ago that she never goes home for Christmas.

Based on the hell that Amanda has been through with her mother and sister in the span of time that Olivia has known her, she can't say that she blames her co-worker for not wanting to join in with any of the festivities in Atlanta; aware that Kim had moved back there sometime in the past few months after living with Amanda following her stint in prison and the two of them not parting on the best of terms. She doesn't know any of the details and hasn't thought to ask, as she figures it's something deeply personal for Amanda, but assumes the situation with her sister is playing a large part in the other woman ending up as alone as Olivia herself is tonight.

She and Amanda have never been particularly close, but Olivia finds that she is unable to continue just sitting there and watching the obvious sadness play out through the blonde's body language, Amanda's face still resting in her hands and her thin shoulders slumped dejectedly. She gets to her feet and strides out of the office and into the squad room, Amanda's head immediately flying upwards at the soft sound of Olivia's office door opening, blinking in apparent surprise to see her boss walking toward her.

"Hey," Olivia says quietly, choosing to take a seat on the corner of Amanda's desk so she can be nearer to the younger woman's eye level, Amanda hurriedly straightening up from her slumped position in the chair and running a hand haphazardly through her long golden hair. "How's it going out here?"

"Fine," the detective mutters unconvincingly in reply, big blue eyes shimmering with unshed tears as they gaze at one another.

"You don't look fine," Olivia discerns gently, shifting a little closer on the surface of the desk and leaning over slightly to lay a hand on her co-worker's shoulder. "What are you still doing here, Amanda? Why didn't you go home when the guys left earlier in the evening?"

"There's work to be done," Amanda answers with a shrug, avoiding Olivia's gaze now as she glances down and shrinks away from her touch.

"You can finish it after you've taken a couple of days off," Olivia responds in a firmer tone of voice as she observes the smaller woman's wrinkled clothing and mussed hair, realizing just how many hours have passed since they had arrived at the precinct early that morning. "It's Christmas Eve, Amanda. You should go home and get some rest."

"I know what day it is, Liv," Amanda murmurs with a roll of her eyes and another shrug of her shoulders, her voice low and bitter when she speaks again. "As if I could ever forget."

"Do you want to talk about it?" Olivia asks softly, straightening up on the desk when she notices that Amanda is backing slowly away from her now, like she is intent on putting some space between them.

"About what?" the blonde mumbles in irritation, a flash of pain flitting across her delicate features before they smooth out into an unreadable mask.

"About why you're sitting here alone in the squad room so late on Christmas Eve," Olivia continues with a curious tilt of her head, dark locks falling in a thick curtain over one shoulder.

"I just told you that I was still working. What else would I be doing here? And aren't you doing the exact same thing?" Amanda challenges with a hint of hostility in her tone, big blue eyes lifting up from where they have been focused on the floor and meeting her own brown ones, the misery apparent in her expression now. "You've been sitting alone in your office all night. I don't see you rushing out of the precinct to enjoy the holidays."

"What's there to enjoy?" Olivia whispers raggedly before she even realizes what she is saying, Amanda's gaze boring knowingly into her own and one blonde eyebrow arching in response.

"Exactly," the smaller woman replies quietly with an offhand wave. "There's absolutely nothing to enjoy."

Olivia studies her subordinate in silence for a moment and then sighs softly, holding an arm out to the detective while she gets to her feet. "Amanda, come with me. Let's go sit in my office for a minute."

"Why? Am I in trouble?" Amanda asks warily, Olivia chuckling slightly in response and shaking her head, brushing a hand down the other woman's back when she stands up beside her.

"No, you're not in trouble," Olivia assures her, leading Amanda into the next room and closing the door behind them. "I just figured the couch would be a more comfortable place for me to sit instead of on your desk. And we can continue with our chat."

"Liv, I don't want to talk," Amanda protests with a sigh of her own, but plops down onto the couch and settles back against the cushions like she is intending on staying there for awhile anyway.

"We don't have to talk," Olivia replies lightly as she takes a seat next to the younger woman and turns to the side, propping her arm on a cushion and leaning her head on her hand. "We can just sit here together."

"Wow, does that ever sound like an exciting way to spend the evening," Amanda murmurs with a roll of her eyes and a short snicker. "I think I'm already bored."

"Well, it's better than spending the evening alone, isn't it?" Olivia points out with an amused snort, glad to see the blonde detective's usual attitude poking out through the immense sadness that seems to be wrapped around her like a blanket. "We might as well be bored with each other."

"Yeah, I guess," Amanda acknowledges grudgingly, the corner of her lip lifting in what might actually pass for a smile.

"I'm not the worst company in the world, am I?" Olivia prods lightly, gratified to see a full smile stretching across the other woman's face now.

"Well, I've definitely had worse, Liv," Amanda mutters as curls her knees into her chest and lays her head down on the cushion so they are gazing at one another again.

"You doing okay?" Olivia asks softly when she sees a shadow pass over Amanda's face again, like the brief moment of brightness has already come and gone and the gloom has descended upon her once again.

"I thought you said we didn't have to talk," Amanda murmurs in chagrin, pulling her knees more tightly into the front of her body and wrapping her arms around her shins, effectively tucking herself into a little ball on the couch.

"I was just asking," Olivia answers casually, her heart aching at the vulnerable posture of her colleague and fighting down the sudden urge to lean forward and gather Amanda into her embrace.

An awkward quiet falls over the room as they sit there at opposite ends of the couch and stare at each other intently, Olivia's eyelids burning with fatigue as she struggles to keep them open. Despite her complete and utter exhaustion, she still has no desire whatsoever to head home alone to her empty apartment; much preferring to spend time with the grumpy, sorrowful woman slumped next to her.

"I hate Christmas," Amanda suddenly whispers into the silence, shifting slightly closer to Olivia on the cushions as her voice lowers down to a seemingly conspiratorial tone, like this is some kind of revelation that Olivia never would have guessed otherwise.

"Yes, so I've gathered, Amanda," she replies with wry sympathy, taking the chance and reaching out to lay a hand on the small detective's knee, hoping that Amanda won't pull away from her this time.

Olivia is relieved and surprised when not only does the other woman refrain from shrinking away from her touch like she had in the squad room but actually moves closer to her yet again, and she responds in kind by sliding over on the cushions so their knees are grazing one another. "I can't say that I'm much of a fan of it myself."

"Do you miss Tucker?"

Olivia is somewhat taken aback by her co-worker's abrupt question, although it has been asked with noticeable compassion; not used to delving into the more personal topics of conversation with Amanda, as this isn't usually the way they tend to behave around one another. "In some ways, yes, but in other ways, no," she responds thoughtfully, the intimacy of the quiet office and their close positions on the cushions inducing an uncharacteristic urge to share. "I'm missing him more now because it was so nice to have someone to spend Christmas with last year and it just seems empty without him here this year. I've spent a lot of the holidays alone over the course of my adults years, and my childhood Christmases were just a mess."

Tears are blurring Olivia's vision without warning and she frantically blinks them back when Amanda places a palm over the hand that Olivia is still resting on the younger woman's knee. "What about you?" she inquires around the lump that has risen inside her throat, eager to turn the discussion away from herself and the awful holiday seasons she has endured over the past several decades. "Why do you hate Christmas?"

Amanda's hand drops away from her own as the blonde's shoulders hunch up toward her ears, and Olivia reaches out to lace their fingers together, giving a gentle, encouraging squeeze to keep a grasp on this tenuous connection that seems to have sprung up between them out of nowhere; their shared misery for the holiday season bringing them closer together than they've ever been before. "You can tell me," she says softly, tilting her head down to meet Amanda's sad gaze.

"My sister and I aren't speaking to each other," Amanda admits in a hushed tone, giving Olivia's fingers a brief squeeze in return. "She moved back home with our mother a few months ago. Things were going so well, she was doing so much better; taking her meds when she was supposed to and really getting involved at church and in her support group, but then everything just went to hell again. All the bad habits from the past just reared back up and she was going down a terrible path; taking every single drug but the ones she was supposed to be taking, and lying all the time and stealing from me. I couldn't take it anymore and I asked her to move out. I gave up on my own sister, Liv. And she hasn't spoken to me since."

"Oh, honey." Olivia leans over to envelop Amanda into her arms, feeling the smaller form shaking violently against her like the detective is desperately trying to reign in her emotions, her heart breaking when she hears Amanda stifling a sob against her shoulder. "You didn't give up on her. Sometimes there's just nothing more you can do to help someone, and you have to let them help themselves. You've done more than enough for Kim over the years, Amanda; trust me on that."

"I feel like I've failed her," the younger woman mumbles shamefully, and Olivia tightens her hold on the quivering figure in her embrace when she feels a warm tear splash down onto her neck. "I'm supposed to be taking care of my sister, but I kicked her out instead."

"You didn't fail her," Olivia assures Amanda gently, her colleague continuing to surprise her that evening by cuddling even further into the side of her body, a pair of small but strong arms winding their way around her waist and clinging on with a firm grip.

"My family hates me," Amanda sniffles into her neck, Olivia rocking her slightly back and forth in response and rubbing a soothing hand in slow circles around her back. "I just want this stupid holiday to be over with. I'm so sick of being alone all the time, and I don't want to keep being reminded of how I have no one to spend Christmas with."

"You have me," Olivia says quietly, smoothing her hand through silky blonde hair and letting her fingertips trail lightly over a damp cheekbone. "What do you say we get out of here and go get a drink and a meal somewhere? And then you can come back to my place for the night. You can stay in the spare room."

Amanda pulls away from her so they are gazing intently at each other once again, teary blue eyes full of both doubt and gratitude as well as a certain weariness, like she doesn't quite know what to say. "Liv, I really appreciate the kind offer, but I'm not interested in celebrating Christmas at all this year. I think I would rather just ignore it."

"Then we won't celebrate," Olivia replies determinedly, shrugging her shoulders and raising her palms into the air in a gesture that indicates she is more than happy not to keep acknowledging the festive season. "We'll just pretend it's any other night of the year. Just two co-workers going out for some good food and hopefully some decent booze."

"And then having a sleepover?" Amanda smirks with an arched eyebrow, a hint of amusement shining through the sadness in her eyes. "Is that what we do on a regular night, Liv?"

Olivia chuckles in response and reaches out to take hold of Amanda's hand again, her own loneliness and despair already lifting somewhat at the thought of spending a lighthearted evening with the younger woman and not waking up alone in her apartment on Christmas morning, even if they are not going to observe the holiday. "Come on, Amanda, what do you say? Let's leave work behind for a couple of days and try to enjoy the time we have off. It doesn't have to be all doom and gloom; we don't have to sit all by ourselves in our respective homes in a haze of depression. We can keep one another company and each of us can make sure the other is doing okay while we were completely ignore Christmas."

Olivia raises her eyebrows hopefully at Amanda as she awaits an answer, already brainstorming places where they can go for a tasty meal and planning out which movies they will watch when they get back to her apartment; reminding herself that she has to straighten up the guest room a bit if Amanda is going to be spending the night in there.

A joyous grin stretches across her face when Amanda squeezes her hand and graces her with a tentative smile, moving closer on the couch again so they are snuggled up side by side once more, the younger woman leaning her head down on Olivia's shoulder.

"Okay, Liv, I would love to ignore Christmas with you."


	20. An Unhappy New Year

**This chapter takes place a week after the previous one, "The Christmas Blues". Noah, Jesse and Frannie don't exist.**

 **I'm working on the final chapter of "In Your Arms", chapter 2 of "Only the Lonely" and chapter 10 of "Hidden Scars" but updates are likely to be slower this month. I'm pretty burnt out at the moment and also having some writer's block with certain stories, and the words just aren't flowing as well as they usually do. I think my New Year's resolution should be to work on just one story at a time, lol!**

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 **Title : An Unhappy New Year**

 **Genre : Friendship/romance**

 **Rating : T**

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Amanda is sitting at her desk in the squad room, one foot tapping restlessly against the floor while she types in a few words on her keyboard, her gaze straying away from the computer screen and over to Olivia's office window for seemingly the hundredth time that day. The blinds are open and she can see the lieutenant pacing back and forth from one end of the room to the other while she converses on the phone, and Amanda wonders who Olivia is talking to so late on New Years' Eve.

They are right back where they were a week prior, just the two of them working well into the evening on a holiday that most other people are spending in celebration with friends at one of New York's many bars or restaurants, or enjoying some cozy, quiet time at home with family; yet here they are once again, toiling away on a case while everyone else parties the night away. Fin and Carisi had displayed the same amount of enthusiasm that they had on Christmas Eve when leaving the precinct earlier, both men excited about their plans for the next several hours; Fin going out on a date with a woman from another department and Carisi staying overnight with one of his sisters and her kids.

Amanda had merely grunted in reply when her co-workers had wished her a happy new year before exiting the building, reminded once more that another holiday is upon them and she has no one to spend it with. She briefly wonders how her mother and sister are choosing to occupy themselves this evening, chastising herself for letting her mind wander in that particular direction as nothing good can possibly come of it.

Even if she decides to give them a call to ask how their Christmas had been, she doubts they would even deign to speak to her; Amanda cast aside and looked down on for abandoning Kim right when the younger woman had needed her the most. The fact that she had finally put herself first in this situation instead of enabling her sister and dropping everything else in her life to help her troubled sibling, seems to have escaped her family members altogether, and there appears to be no room for them to even contemplate forgiving Amanda or trying to see things from her point of view.

She heaves a giant sigh of both exhaustion and loneliness, figuring she won't be getting much more work done at this late hour as her previously intense concentration has whittled away to practically nothing and all-consuming fatigue has now taken over. Amanda is quite distracted by Olivia's presence in the next room, glancing up yet again to watch as the older woman hangs up the phone and scrubs her hands over her face, the brunette's rumpled and tired appearance mirroring exactly the way Amanda feels.

She gets to her feet and makes her way toward the office with no small amount of hesitance in her step, concerned for Olivia's state of mind and well being now that she has been made aware of how similar their feelings are regarding the holiday season, but not wanting to interrupt the other woman if she is busy with work. Amanda leans against the open door for a moment as she continues to observe her boss and can't help but notice how beautiful Olivia looks despite her somewhat worn out and disheveled appearance, fighting the sudden urge to wrap her colleague up in her arms for a comforting hug.

"Uh, hey, Liv," Amanda murmurs after clearing her throat, choosing not to act on that particular urge and remaining right where she is, hovering uncertainly in the doorway and scraping the toe of one boot back and forth across the tiled floor.

"Hey, Amanda. Happy new year," Olivia says quietly, a hint of a smile playing on her face when she looks up from the pile of paperwork strewn across her desk and their gazes meet and lock on one another.

"More like an _un_ happy new year," Amanda corrects with a grumble, her lips twitching in response to the tinkling laugh that Olivia unexpectedly lets loose with.

"So, we're doing this again, huh?" the older woman asks with obvious amusement, although Amanda can detect a trace of sadness beneath her words; the thought of Olivia being miserable pulling at her heartstrings and causing her to take a step closer to her boss' desk.

"Doing what?" she replies casually, feigning ignorance even though she knows exactly what Olivia is referring to.

"The same thing we did last week," the brunette answers with a roll of her dark eyes, gesturing to the empty squad room outside the window. "You and I all by ourselves in here once again, moping around and complaining about the holidays. I'm getting a serious sense of deja vu right now."

Amanda thinks back to the time they had spent together on Christmas Eve, the night evolving into a surprisingly lighthearted one after they had left the precinct and headed to the closest bar, sharing a pitcher of beer and a basket of chicken wings amid good conversation and plenty of laughter. The tears had dried on her cheeks and her bad mood had gradually disappeared as Amanda had found herself thoroughly enjoying the evening with Olivia, the fun continuing back at the older woman's apartment with a string of silly romantic comedies that had absolutely nothing to do with Christmas; both women determined to ignore the festive holiday.

By the time Amanda had shuffled into Olivia's spare bedroom with a stomach full of popcorn and a good beer buzz, suffused with an unexpected joy and lightness born of the camaraderie and company of her co-worker, it was nearly three o'clock in the morning. The exhaustion of work and the myriad of emotions she had been experiencing throughout the holiday season had taken their toll on her and sleep had come quickly, although it had been quite short-lived.

Only a couple of hours later, Amanda had jolted awake in nauseous panic after suffering a very realistic nightmare about Kim overdosing on drugs; heart pounding uncontrollably inside her chest and long blonde hair pasted to her neck with sweat. Overcome with an agonizing grief and more than a little disoriented, she had done something very uncharacteristic and slid out of bed in search of comfort, tiptoeing to Olivia's bedroom when she remembered that she was spending the night at her boss' place.

Amanda had lost her nerve at the door as she observed the shadowy form of Olivia deep in slumber, intending on turning right around and heading back to her own room before the other woman knew she was there. Just as she had been about to leave, Olivia had rolled over on the mattress as if sensing her there; beckoning her over and holding up a corner of the quilt in invitation. After only a brief hesitation, Amanda had crawled into the lieutenant's bed with her, immediately enveloped in Olivia's safe embrace when the brunette had felt the quivering of her body and seen the tears on her cheeks. They had cuddled together beneath the warm blankets, horrific and guilt-ridden details of Amanda's dream coming out in a halting voice while Olivia had stroked her hair soothingly and wiped away her tears, the two of them falling asleep wrapped around each other's bodies and awakening late on Christmas morning surprisingly refreshed and content.

Amanda has been unable to recall a holiday where she had felt so peaceful and at ease with everything; she and Olivia spending the entire day together and not parting ways until they had finished the Chinese food they had ordered for a non-celebratory Christmas dinner. That rare feeling of peace had lasted for the next few days before slowly giving way to the usual sour mood that tends to plague her around this time of year, Amanda becoming grouchier and more withdrawn as the week had dragged on.

As she stands there in Olivia's office and watches the other woman shuffling through a thick stack of files on her desk, Amanda finds herself filled with an intense longing; desperate to recreate the unexpected and welcome atmosphere of Christmas Eve. "So, Liv, I was just wondering..."

"Yes?" Olivia's head is tilted to the side and her eyebrow is arched in question as Amanda's voice trails off, unsure if she should be bothering her lieutenant like this for the second week in a row but almost positive that Olivia has no other plans for the night.

"Since we did such a great job of ignoring Christmas together, I was wondering if you wanted to do the same for New Year's?" Amanda is actually nervous as she waits for the older woman to respond, terrified of being rejected and having to head home alone to sit on the couch in front of the TV and watch the ball drop in Times Square, a bottle of wine her only company.

An immense wave of relief overtakes her when she sees the smile spreading across Olivia's face, the brunette standing up from her chair and leaning over to grab her winter jacket from the cabinet behind her. "Sure, Amanda, that would be nice. I was just on the phone ordering food to pick up on the way home, so we can do that and then head over to my place."

"I can get my own food on the way," Amanda protests quickly, not wanting Olivia to assume that she had expected to be fed just because they are spending the evening at her apartment once again.

"That won't be necessary, since I ordered enough for two," Olivia replies with a knowing grin, hooking an arm through Amanda's and leading her toward the office door. "I figured you would be joining me."

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A few hours later, Amanda is snuggled up comfortably on Olivia's couch in the older woman's living room, the TV playing another lighthearted romantic comedy as they refuse to turn it to any of the channels that are broadcasting the New Year's Eve festivities in Times Square. There are empty takeout containers strewn across the coffee table, along with multiple bottles of wine, since they hadn't been able to decide on which kind they wanted to drink and Olivia seems to be have amassed quite a large collection of them.

Amanda has been eagerly sampling from every single bottle and is quite inebriated at the moment, much more so than she had been the week previous, but figures it's appropriate since she can't remember the last time she had been sober while ringing in a new year. Even though they have been steadfastly ignoring the fact that 2017 is rapidly drawing to a close and 2018 is nearly upon them, Amanda finds that her eyes are beginning to stray towards the clock on the wall and her thoughts are starting to travel in a direction that is probably less than appropriate as she wonders what it would be like to kiss Olivia at midnight.

Their position on the cushions suggests that something of a much friendlier nature is currently occurring between them, as they have gradually shifted closer to one another over the course of the evening, migrating from opposite ends of the couch until they had met in the middle. Amanda's head is resting on Olivia's shoulder as she idly twirls a ring around the brunette's finger, their legs tangled together and the older woman's hand stroking gently through her hair from time to time. She can feel the occasional laugh rumbling through Olivia's taller frame when the lieutenant finds something funny on the screen, and Amanda's lips quirk up into a smile each time she hears the lovely sound.

She is suddenly overcome by an immense wave of gratitude for being able to spend New Year's Eve with Olivia instead of all by herself; struck by how gorgeous the other woman looks in her simple pair of black yoga pants and long-sleeved green shirt with her dark hair scooped up into a ponytail, and it is a testament to how drunk Amanda truly is when she utters her next words.

"Liv, can a subordinate get fired for thinking their boss is hot?"

There is a moment of dead silence as Olivia leans over to grab the television remote, pressing down on the mute button with her thumb, and then regarding her with a slightly arched eyebrow and an unreadable expression on her face. "Amanda, you can't get fired for thinking something. Saying it out loud, however..."

"Well, it's a good thing I was only thinking it, then," Amanda murmurs in relief, shaking her head at herself and glad she has managed to dodge what could have been a very uncomfortable conversation.

"Yeah, it's a good thing," Olivia replies dryly with a roll of her eyes, and Amanda can see amusement and something else that she can't quite define playing out over the brunette's features now. "You've been pretty quiet for the past little while. What's going on in that head of yours?"

"I've just been doing a lot of thinking and wondering..." Amanda trails off vaguely in a somewhat slurred voice as she gazes at Olivia with unfocused blue eyes, and she can tell the older woman is just as drunk as she is even though Olivia is doing a better job at hiding it.

"Oh, yeah? Thinking and wondering about what?" Olivia answers with a note of curiosity ringing in her tone and a smirk lifting one corner of her mouth. "Besides how hot your boss is."

"Liv, I never told you that! I was only thinking about it," Amanda protests in embarrassment, eyebrows pulling together in a frown when Olivia sputters out an incredulous laugh in response. "Don't make fun of me."

"I'm not making fun of you," Olivia snickers as she holds up a hand in a placating gesture, Amanda noticing that the lieutenant's pupils have dilated as they stare intently at each other. "I'm sorry, okay? Tell me what else you were thinking and wondering about."

"I was wondering..." Amanda clears her throat as a fiery red blush spreads across her pale cheeks and she feels her pulse quicken. "I was wondering what it would be like to kiss you at midnight."

That disconcerting silence stretches out between them once again as they continue to gaze at one another, cerulean eyes locked intensely onto mocha orbs, and Amanda watches a mixture of emotions playing out across Olivia's beautiful features, her heart feeling like it's about to burst out of her chest with the force it is racing with.

"I thought we were ignoring New Year's," Olivia finally says quietly, Amanda immediately disappointed with her reply but somewhat mollified when the brunette's hand comes up to graze lightly along her cheekbone.

"We are," Amanda assures her, reaching up to entwine their fingers together and giving a tender squeeze. "This is just two co-workers spending time with each other on a regular night."

"So this is what we do on a regular night?" Olivia replies with a hint of mirth, echoing what Amanda had said the week before when the older woman had invited her to stay overnight on Christmas Eve. "I don't think it's appropriate to be kissing your boss while ringing in the new year. Isn't that against the rules?"

"Well, you should know by now that I've never been much of a rule follower, Liv," Amanda scoffs with a hopeful grin. "Besides, we shared your bed last week. That should probably count as being inappropriate as well, right? But we still did it."

"That was different," Olivia argues in response, although there is no conviction whatsoever in her voice, the brunette moving even closer to Amanda on the cushions so they are face to face and eye to eye. "You had a nightmare and I was comforting you."

"Well, this is just a different kind of comfort," Amanda whispers as her hand slides slowly up Olivia's T-shirt clad arm and her gaze strays toward the clock on the wall again, noticing that it is now 11:59pm. "Thank you so much for not leaving me alone during the holidays, Liv. I've had the best time ignoring Christmas and New Year's with you."

"I've had a good time too," Olivia answers in a hushed tone, their lips now hovering merely an inch apart as they breathe each other in and the clock strikes midnight.

"I guess it's not such an unhappy new year after all," Amanda murmurs reverently as she closes the tiny gap that is left between them, choosing to acknowledge and celebrate the holiday for this one brief moment in time as their mouths meet tentatively and her head spins with a combination of alcohol and excitement.

The shared kiss instantly deepens and drags out well past the midnight hour, trembling arms winding around necks that are pebbled with goosebumps and shaky fingers threading through hair that is wildly tousled; the gesture leaving them both gasping for air when they finally pull away from each other and rest their foreheads together, Olivia speaking softly into her ear.

"Happy new year, Amanda."


	21. Cry With You

**I'm supposed to be working on my lighthearted Christmas story since the big day is less than a week away and I haven't updated it for a month, but I felt like writing an angsty piece instead. My goal is to get the Christmas fic done by the end of the year, though.**

 **This chapter takes place a few months after the season 14 episode "Deadly Ambition" and is my own version of the events that followed.**

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 **Title : Cry With You**

 **Genre : Hurt/comfort/friendship**

 **Rating : T**

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Olivia Benson is on her hands and knees on the dirty floor of the squad room, peering underneath a row of empty desks as she frantically searches for her missing set of keys. She is the last one of her team to leave for the day, bidding goodnight to the guys before realizing that she was unable to go anywhere due to the absence of her car key and needing to locate it before exiting the precinct and heading to her vehicle.

Olivia is momentarily distracted from her frenetic task with the realization that she doesn't recall seeing Amanda leave the room at any point; wondering if she isn't the last one here after all and hoping her co-worker can help her find what she is looking for. A quick glance up from a suspiciously sticky spot on the tiles beneath Nick's desk confirms that she is indeed alone in the squad room, and figures she had missed Amanda's departure in her own haste to vacate the building.

Brian Cassidy is currently waiting impatiently for her at the restaurant they had agreed upon for their date that evening, having texted her multiple times to inquire on her whereabouts and when she would be arriving, and Olivia doesn't want to keep him hanging any longer than she has to. They haven't been getting along very well lately, every insignificant detail of their relationship seeming to be an excuse for a shouting match, and Olivia just doesn't want to deal with it tonight; not after such a long and tiring day.

Just as she has gotten to her feet and is dragging her hands back through her hair in sheer frustration of the situation, considering calling a cab and continuing with the search the following morning as she will likely be staying overnight at Brian's place anyway, it hits her. Olivia remembers sneaking up to the crib for half an hour during her lunch break to lie down and close her eyes for a short period of time, intending on trying to rid herself of the headache that she woken up with that morning. She had grabbed her jacket on the way up the stairs for an extra bit of warmth in the chilly, drafty room; the threadbare blankets on the beds not doing a great job of holding in the heat during a quick nap, and the keys had most likely fallen out of one of the pockets.

Olivia rolls her eyes at herself as she jogs swiftly up the stairs, taking them two at a time and almost tripping over her own feet when she reaches the top. Her foul mood is only growing worse when she thinks of facing her irate boyfriend at a restaurant she doesn't even particularly like and had only agreed upon to appease him and avoid their usual arguing. It briefly occurs to her that tonight might be a great time to just put an end to this relationship that has been plummeting steadily downhill for the past few months, although the thought of having to endure a possibly dramatic break-up does not exactly fill her with joy.

Olivia sighs harshly and pushes open the door to the crib much harder than she means to, wincing when she door slams into the wall with an audible crack and bounces right back toward her, nearly hitting her in the face before she catches it with her hands just in time. A startled gasp suddenly pierces the air and Olivia lets out a surprised squeak of her own when she sees a small lump moving under the covers of the bed that is pushed into the farthest corner of the room.

A head of messy blonde hair pokes out from beneath a mound of thin blankets, Amanda's pale face peering at her first with confusion and then a mixture of embarrassment and panic as Olivia's eyes meet those of the younger detective's, a perplexed frown marring her own features. She takes a step over to the bed, her frown deepening when she sees Amanda shrinking back against the wall like she is making an effort to hide herself from her colleague's gaze, curiosity and concern coursing through her system now.

"Amanda, what are you doing here?" Olivia asks quietly, holding her hands out in front of her body in a non-threatening gesture, just in case the other woman was in the midst of a nightmare when she had come bursting so forcefully and unexpectedly into the room, and is just coming back to reality. "I thought you went home."

"I, uh, I just wanted to take a rest before I left for the day," Amanda mumbles in a low tone that is so unlike her usual vibrant voice, shifting uneasily beneath the covers. "I'm not feeling very well."

"You weren't feeling well enough to make it back to your apartment so you had to take a nap here first?" Olivia replies skeptically, sitting down slowly on the bed opposite Amanda's and watching the blonde nod in response. "If you're that sick, one of us could have driven you home. Or at least I could have if I actually had my keys..." She trails off as she spots the object of her intense search lying on the floor a few feet away and leans over to scoop them up with a triumphant grin.

"I can take you home right now, if you want." Olivia stands up and holds out a hand to Amanda with the intention of helping the smaller woman to her feet, figuring she can drop her off on the way to the restaurant and frowning again when Amanda shrugs away from her touch.

"Thanks for the offer, Liv, but I think I'll just rest here for a little while longer." Amanda's voice is a choked whisper when she speaks again. "I'm not quite ready to go just yet."

"Wouldn't it make more sense to rest in your own home if you're feeling unwell, instead of this ugly, freezing room where the mattresses are like sleeping on a slab of concrete and the blankets are so thin it's better to cover yourself with a jacket?" Olivia sits back down on the bed she has just vacated, leaning forward to catch Amanda's gaze when the younger woman's big blue eyes drift away from her to focus on something across the room.

"And shouldn't you be having something for dinner as well?" Olivia prods gently when there is no immediate reply forthcoming from her fellow detective. "It's getting late. You must be starving."

"I'm not hungry," Amanda murmurs in return, her eyes shooting anxiously to Olivia's when her stomach suddenly lets out a very loud growl.

"You seem pretty hungry to me," Olivia observes with an arched eyebrow and a slightly edgy chuckle, as something definitely doesn't seem right. "What's going on here, Amanda? Why don't you want to go home?"

Amanda is silent for a moment, pulling the blankets up higher over her shoulders as if in an effort to shield herself from Olivia's questions. "Because there's nothing to go home to," she finally mutters under her breath, rubbing a closed fist over one eye and reminding Olivia of a sleepy, upset child. "Nothing but bare walls and bare cupboards and bare floors."

"What are you talking about, Amanda? I don't understand." Olivia is staring at the younger woman in utter confusion, fully aware that Amanda had walked into a completely cleared-out apartment a few months earlier after what her sister Kim had put her through, but that the blonde detective had recently moved back home after staying with Fin for a little while, claiming she was having some new furniture delivered.

"Fin told me you had been able to buy some things and that's why you left his place to go back to your own," Olivia continues softly, ducking her head down to try and meet Amanda's gaze when those cerulean eyes dart away from her once again, a distinct look of shame on the other woman's face now.

"I lied." The words are completely flat and devoid of emotion and when Amanda throws her a quick glance, Olivia feels a chill run down her spine at the depth of despair that is apparent not only on her pinched features but in her body language as well; the slumping of her shoulders and the bowing of her head indicating an immense amount of sorrow.

"You lied about buying furniture?" Olivia prods gently, slipping off the bed and onto the floor so she is kneeling beside the hunched form of the smaller woman. "Why would you lie about something like that?"

"Because I can't afford to buy anything right now," Amanda whispers dejectedly, Olivia feeling the younger detective flinch slightly beneath her touch when she reaches out a hand to lay on Amanda's shoulder. "I had been staying with Fin for far too long and I didn't want to be a burden on him anymore. Or on anyone else," she is quick to add when Olivia gives her shoulder a tender squeeze.

"Amanda, I'm sure between all of us here at the precinct, we can find some used furniture to lend you or pitch in to buy you something new and you can pay us back," Olivia says reassuringly, not quite understanding why her colleague seems to be feeling such a large amount of shame for not being able to buy what she needs, especially since Kim had taken literally every single thing she had owned.

"I don't want any charity. I can handle this on my own," Amanda replies curtly as she levels her with a glare, Olivia a little taken aback at the large amount of venom that is currently being directed her way when all she has done is offer to help a co-worker in need.

"So this is how you're choosing to handle it on your own, then?" she shoots back with a hint of impatience evident in her tone. "Sleeping in the crib for the night and not eating anything for dinner? And it's not really considered charity if you're paying us back, you know."

"I don't need any help," Amanda says stubbornly, shrugging Olivia's hand off her shoulder and pushing her face into the stained pillowcase with a deep sigh.

"So instead of accepting help, you'd rather be doing this?" Olivia questions in disbelief, gesturing around to the grim-looking room they are residing in and wondering how many nights Amanda has been spending here lately. "Is your pride really so great that you would turn down the offer of a bed or a couch so you don't have to spend your evenings in a place like this?"

"I _can't_ accept your help." Amanda's voice is suddenly so low that Olivia has to strain to hear her, leaning forward so that her head is practically resting on the pillow next to the smaller woman's.

"Why?" she inquires softly, taking a chance and threading her fingers gently through Amanda's hair, even though the blonde has just shrugged away from her touch; Amanda's extreme vulnerability and sadness inducing an enormous need to provide some sort of comfort.

"Because I'm not going to have anywhere to put any furniture soon," Amanda mumbles after a brief hesitation, Olivia watching as her eyes slip closed and her forehead puckers with distress. "I can't pay my rent anymore."

"What are you talking about? Why can't you pay your rent?" Olivia's hand comes to a halt against Amanda's silky strands of hair, a distinct feeling of dread forming in the pit of her stomach because she is fairly certain that she already knows what Amanda is going to say, the other woman confirming it for her a moment later.

"I relapsed after what happened with Kim." Amanda's eyelids flutter open slowly, a tear balancing on her lower lashes as she speaks in a hushed tone full of regret. "I gambled most of my money away. I have practically nothing left and pretty soon I'll have nowhere to go, not even my empty apartment."

"Oh, Amanda." A wave of guilt and sympathy washes over Olivia as she strokes a thumb against the wrinkled forehead of her colleague, the tear breaking free from Amanda's lashes and sliding down her cheek. "I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I wish you had said something sooner. I wish I had noticed what was going on."

Olivia feels her own tears rising to the surface as Amanda lifts one shoulder in an offhanded gesture, like it doesn't really matter that no one has bothered to take notice of how bad things have gotten and how far she had fallen since Kim had turned her life upside down. "I know you've been busy, Liv. You have your own life, just like everyone else does. I don't need to be burdening anyone with my problems."

"Amanda, you are not a burden," Olivia chides softly, taking note of the fact that the younger woman has used that word twice now to describe herself, and trying to prevent her from using it again. "Kim put you through hell and you have an addiction. It's understandable that you would slip up after everything that's happened. But we can fix this."

 _"We?"_ Amanda repeats in derision with a giant roll of her big blue eyes. "Olivia, you don't need to fix anything for me. _I'm_ the one who screwed up. This doesn't concern you. And I'm sure you have much better things to do with your time than sit in the crib with your pathetic excuse for a co-worker."

"Actually, no, I don't have anything better to do," Olivia retorts instantly, realizing that what she has just said is entirely true; that there is nowhere she would rather be in this moment than right here with Amanda, loathe to leave the other woman alone in this state and her heart aching with compassion.

"Don't you have a date with Cassidy tonight?" Amanda replies warily with a quirk of one eyebrow, looking as if she doesn't think she deserves to take up any more of the senior detective's time and attention. "I overheard you talking on the phone with him earlier and making plans to go out for dinner."

When Olivia just sits there silently on the floor beside Amanda's bed, not really sure how to respond to the question because she is pretty sure that date night was going to turn into break-up night had she not been waylaid by the blonde's predicament, the younger woman's eyebrow arches higher on her forehead.

"Trouble in paradise?" Amanda asks quietly, a mixture of curiosity and sympathy in her voice, and for the first time since Olivia has entered the room, Amanda inches closer to her so they are breathing the same air, Olivia slouched over the bed as they stare intently at one another.

"Yeah, you could say that," she mutters with a sigh, figuring Brian has called or texted several times by now as he wonders what the hold up is, and the combination of the likely imminent dissolve of her relationship as well as Amanda being in such dire straits, has Olivia rapidly blinking back her own tears.

"I seem to go back and forth between wanting to fight for what we have and just wanting to give up," Olivia admits softly, surprising herself by admitting this to Amanda as they don't usually discuss such personal matters, but in light of what the other woman has just revealed to her, she figures it's okay to be equally as candid with own issues. "But we don't need to talk about that right now, Amanda. There are most important things to discuss, such as what is going on with you."

"I'm too tired to discuss it," Amanda murmurs in exhaustion as her voice wavers slightly with the threat of impending tears, the small figure curling up into a tight ball beneath the covers. "To be perfectly honest, Olivia, I would rather just lay here and cry."

"Can I lay here and cry with you?" The words are out of Olivia's mouth before she can stop them, surprising herself again by what she is saying in front of Amanda and hoping she hasn't overstepped her boundaries by suggesting such a thing.

Amanda gazes at her with watery eyes for a moment, another tear trailing down her cheek before the corner of her mouth lifts in what might pass for a smile, sliding to the back of the bed and holding up the blankets in invitation. "Sure," she sniffles quietly, Olivia gingerly slipping beneath the covers next to her colleague as she longs to both provide comfort and receive it.

They lay there face to face on the rock hard mattress without speaking, Olivia shifting several times to get more comfortable before realizing that it's just not going to happen and finally letting her body come to a halt against the sheets. She reaches out a hand to thread her fingers slowly through Amanda's hair again as a tear trickles down her own cheek, and she feels the younger woman squeezing her hip gently in response as she moves closer.

Olivia is aware that there are so many things she should be doing besides cuddling up with her co-worker in the crib; that she has to go back down to the squad room and call Brian to let him know she won't be showing up for their date because she is not leaving Amanda alone tonight, and that she needs to have a very serious discussion with the other woman about what has been happening for the past few months. Amanda needs help in so many different ways right now and Olivia is intent on doing whatever she possibly can for her fellow detective, as soon as Amanda is ready to resume the conversation and share more of what has been going on in her personal life lately.

For now, though, Olivia just holds out her arms to the smaller woman when Amanda can no longer contain her sobs and they come bursting out in a waterfall of intense emotion, gathering the quivering form into her strong embrace and holding onto her tightly as they cry together.


	22. Strong

**This chapter takes place in the present time, so there are several mentions of certain events that have happened over the course of the last few months. Please be aware that there are some spoilers for season 19 contained in this update, if you haven't seen the latest episodes and don't want to know what is currently happening on the show.**

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 **Title : Strong**

 **Genre : Hurt/comfort/friendship**

 **Rating : T**

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The second her boss opens the apartment door, Amanda Rollins can see it in her eyes; the exhaustion, the stress, and most of all, the overwhelming sadness. Her heart aches for Olivia as she ushers Jesse into the older woman's home, a halfhearted smile creeping across her face when they are greeted exuberantly by Noah in the entryway, the little boy jumping up and down with joy at their arrival.

It has only been a few days since Barba had left, and Amanda had pretty much invited herself and her daughter over for a Saturday evening playdate; having grown increasingly worried about Olivia over the past several months. The lieutenant has been put through so much emotional turmoil lately, the situation with Noah and Sheila, along with the case that had brought back horrific memories of her father; and now with the unexpected departure of Rafael Barba, a man who had become Olivia's best friend, Amanda is very concerned about the brunette's state of mind.

She is not sure how much more upheaval and distress that Olivia can take at this point in time, and prays that nothing else goes wrong in the near future; the other woman seemingly unable to catch a break in any aspect of her life. Amanda is relieved that it is just the four of them at Olivia's place tonight, enjoying some takeout pizza and movies and playtime with Noah's toys, and they will not be joined by the rest of the squad. She is hopeful that Olivia will choose to open up to her over the course of the evening once the kids are well-occupied, especially since they have grown so much closer over the last few months.

Amanda has been more than happy to lend her full support to Olivia while the older woman has gone through hell, although she suspects that her boss has been keeping most of her torment bottled up inside. She has never known a stronger person than Olivia Benson and admires the courage and tenacity that the lieutenant always displays, but everyone has their breaking point and Amanda is guessing that Olivia has just about reached hers.

She is determined to catch her friend when she falls and to be there for Olivia in any way that she needs; whether it be to provide a listening ear or a hand to hold or even just someone to sit in silence with. It tears Amanda apart to think of Olivia's immense suffering and the brunette having to put on a brave face for her son every single day when all she likely wants to do is just break down and cry.

She keeps a close eye on her superior throughout the evening, trying not to make it too obvious that she is paying more attention to Olivia than the movie that is showing, when they all sit down in the living room with bowls of popcorn and cans of soda. The kids are sprawled on the floor with pillows and blankets, giggling at the silly antics playing out on the screen while Olivia and Amanda sit at opposite ends of the couch with a blanket spread out across the length of the cushions and draped over both of their laps.

"Rollins, keep your eyes on the TV," Olivia suddenly murmurs under her breath, Amanda jumping at the sound of the older woman's voice. "I feel like you're going to bore a hole right through my head with the amount of staring you've been doing."

"Sorry about that, Liv," she mumbles as a light blush creeps across her cheeks, trying to keep her gaze on the movie instead of glancing over at Olivia again.

"I'm not going to break just because Rafael left," the brunette continues in a whispered tone, like she already knows exactly what her subordinate is going to say. "I'll be fine."

"It's not just that, though, Liv," Amanda says quietly, shifting over on the couch so she is sitting closer to Olivia. "It's everything that's happened over the past few months. I think Barba leaving was just the final straw."

"The final straw of what? My sanity?" Olivia answers wryly, Amanda chancing another look at her boss to see a dark eyebrow arched in question and lips that are pursed with irritation. "I'll admit that I haven't had an easy time with things lately, but I'll get through it. I always do. I'm a strong person."

"And I'm not arguing with you," Amanda replies firmly, lowering her voice when she notices Noah turning his head in their direction. "You're a very strong person but it's okay to admit when you're not fine. Barba was your best friend and you were very close."

"It's not like he died, Amanda," Olivia hisses with a wave of her hand and a roll of her eyes. "And we're not going to stop being friends just because he left. We're still going see each other from time to time. You're blowing this out of proportion." There is a slight pause and Amanda's heart clenches in her chest at Olivia's next words. "And by this point in my life, I'm definitely used to people leaving. It's inevitable. It always happens."

Olivia's hand is now laying limply inside the bowl of popcorn that is resting between them, like she had reached in to grab some kernels and then gotten distracted or thought better of it but has yet to move, and Amanda gently dips her own hand in to tangle their fingers together. "I'm never going to leave, Liv," she assures her friend softly, giving the digits a light squeeze. "I'll always be here for you."

Olivia nods curtly but doesn't verbally respond, her eyes straying away from Amanda's even as she tries to hold the older woman's gaze, and fixing on the TV screen once again. They sit there in silence for several minutes, their fingers remaining linked as their hands rest amid the buttery and salty snack, the silly sounds of the movie and their children's high-pitched laughter suddenly seeming out of place due to the somber mood that has befallen them.

Amanda notices that Olivia has not let go of her hand even though she now refuses to make eye contact or carry on a conversation, and she moves a bit closer on the cushions. She wants to take the bowl of popcorn off the couch and set it on the floor so she can sit right beside Olivia and provide her with any physical comfort that she might need, but doesn't want to take any kind of action that will make Olivia relinquish the hold she has on her hand and retreat even further into her protective shell.

Her boss looks so uncharacteristically small and vulnerable huddled there under the blanket, wearing leggings and a long-sleeve T-shirt with a pair of fuzzy blue socks, her hair lying in unkempt waves around her shoulders. Amanda is not usually one who likes to be coddled when she is upset and knows that Olivia is the same way, but the lieutenant appears to be the exact opposite of her usual work persona right now, the heartbroken vibes that Olivia is giving off inducing a deep need for Amanda to wrap the other woman up in her embrace.

"If you want to talk about anything, just let me know," Amanda says quietly, settling for stroking her thumb in slow circles around the back of Olivia's hand since she is not sure that a hug would be appreciated at the moment.

"I don't need to talk. I'll be fine." Olivia repeats what she had said earlier but sounds much less certain this time, her voice wobbling dangerously when she speaks.

"You might be fine in the near future but you're not fine right now, Liv," Amanda persists in a soft tone, not wanting to alert the kids to the emotional discussion that is taking place between their mothers on the couch. "I know how hard this must be for you."

She scratches the back of Olivia's hand very lightly with her thumbnail, watching the older woman's chin quivering like she is trying not to burst into tears, and Amanda knows that she needs to stop pushing things while the kids are still awake. She figures it won't be long before they fall asleep in front of the TV, both Noah and Jesse's eyelids beginning to droop and the delighted chuckles sounding far less often now, but is aware that Olivia doesn't want her to create some dramatic scene between them while their children are in the same room.

"We can talk more in a little while, if you want," Amanda says gently, leaning over to give Olivia's upper arm a tender bump with her shoulder to try and get her attention again when the brunette won't even look at her in acknowledgement. "I don't think the kids are going to last much longer, by the looks of things."

"You probably need to go home and put Jesse to bed soon, though," Olivia murmurs with what appears to be reluctant disappointment, and Amanda gives their joined hands another comforting squeeze.

"There's no rush, Liv," she assures her boss patiently, gesturing down to her little girl with her free hand. "Jesse is fine where she is for now. They look pretty comfy down there in that nest of pillows and blankets we set up for them."

Olivia merely nods her head in response and falls silent again, her eyes trained firmly on the children's movie like she is quite engrossed in the goofy cartoon plotline. Amanda stops talking as well, choosing not to say another word until she glances over at Olivia and sees a tear slipping slowly down one cheek, the salty droplet dripping off her chin and landing with a tiny splash on the front of her T-shirt.

"Come with me, Liv," she urges in a low tone, making sure the kids have both drifted off to sleep before giving a slight tug on the hand that is still loosely clutching onto her own. "Let's go into your bedroom for a minute, okay?"

Olivia surprisingly stands up from the couch and follows without complaint, Amanda leading the older woman to her room and gently pushing her down to sit on the edge of the bed as she stands there with her hands placed on Olivia's shoulders. "Talk to me," she presses quietly, her thumbs drawing the same soothing patterns on the material of her boss' shirt that she had traced on her hand. "Let me in, Liv. Let me help you. Tell me what's going on."

"I'm sad," Olivia responds softly with a small shrug, both the sentence and the gesture so simple and childlike as another tear rolls down her cheek.

Amanda's eyebrows pull together in a worried frown as she sits down so closely beside Olivia on the mattress that their bodies are brushing against one another, her heart aching in her chest. "What can I do for you?" she asks with gentle concern, reaching over to place her hand on Olivia's arm. "Anything you want, Liv. Just name it. How can I make you feel better?"

"Will you hold me?" Olivia whispers brokenly after a brief pause, like she is unsure of whether or not to ask the question or how her request will be received.

Amanda blinks in surprise but does not hesitate to close the tiny remaining gap between them, wrapping her arms tightly around the quivering form of her lieutenant as Olivia swiftly dissolves into sobs.

"I'm sorry," Olivia cries into her neck, dark hair tickling Amanda's face as the taller form slumps heavily against her. "I'm sorry for falling apart like this. I don't usually do this kind of thing."

"Don't be sorry," Amanda says firmly, caressing the backs of her fingers along Olivia's damp cheekbone. "You have nothing to apologize for. Just let it out, Liv. Let it all out, okay? You've been holding so much pain inside lately. I'm here with you and I'm not going to leave."

"Everything just hurts so much," Olivia sniffles into her skin, a low whimper of pain emitting from her throat. "Sometimes I feel like I can't cope with it all. When is this going to stop? When will I get a break? I just don't know what to do anymore, Amanda."

Olivia is now shivering very hard in her arms and whether it's from cold or emotion or a mixture of the two, she isn't sure, so Amanda gently urges to her move up the mattress toward the headboard. "I'm just going to get you tucked under the covers, okay, Liv? You're shaking quite a bit."

"Stay with me," Olivia begs softly when Amanda has helped her get settled beneath the blankets and straightens back up into a standing position, feeling trembling fingers wrapping around her wrist and giving a slight tug. "Please don't leave."

"Liv, I already said I wasn't going to leave," Amanda reminds her calmly, leaning down to press a light kiss to Olivia's forehead. "Of course I'll stay here with you."

She climbs under the covers next to Olivia and holds her arms out as an invitation to the other woman, Olivia immediately shuffling over on the sheets and collapsing gratefully back into her embrace. Amanda can feel warm tears soaking into her skin as she listens to the tormented sobs of her friend, the anguished sounds tearing at her heart and causing tears of her own to threaten. She begins rocking the shuddering figure back and forth, murmuring soothing words into Olivia's ear as she waits for the intense shaking of the brunette's body to subside.

When Olivia has stopped crying, they lay there silently together and continue to hold onto one another tightly beneath the blankets, Olivia's legs tangled with her own and her face resting against Amanda's neck, ragged puffs of air blowing onto her skin. Amanda is stroking one hand languidly through rumpled dark strands of hair, letting the silky locks slip slowly through her fingers and noticing Olivia leaning even further into her touch, relieved to hear a barely audible sigh of what sounds like contentment instead of despair.

"I miss him," Olivia suddenly mutters, breaking the silence that has fallen over the room and the rest of the apartment beyond the bedroom door. "Nothing is the same without him. Everything has changed."

"I know you do," Amanda says with quiet sympathy, winding a glossy strand of hair around her finger as she speaks. "It's definitely different without him there and we all miss him very much. But I know this is harder on you than anyone else. I know how close you two are; how much you value his opinion and his hard work and his friendship."

"Amanda, what you said before about Rafael being my best friend..." Olivia trails off as if she is struggling to find the right words to say. "He's _one_ of my best friends," she corrects softly while continuing to speak. "But you have somehow come to share that title over the past little while. I'm lucky to have a friend like you."

Amanda is struck speechless for a moment, stunned and honored at this unexpected admission from the woman she looks up to and admires so much, a warmth spreading through her chest and those tears pricking insistently at her eyelids once again, her voice very hushed when she replies. "I'm lucky to have you too, Liv."

"I mean it, though, Amanda." Olivia's tone is louder and more forceful now, like she wants her detective to know just how much she cherishes their friendship. "Thank you for everything you have done for me these past few months; for being there when everything just keeps falling to pieces and hasn't stopped, and for always making sure I'm okay. I don't know what I would have done without you."

"I've been more than happy to be there for you, Liv," Amanda assures her softly, giving Olivia's shoulder a brief squeeze and moving impossibly closer to her on the mattress. "Thank you for letting me be here and for not being afraid to let your guard down around me and for putting your trust in me. But like you told me earlier, you're strong. And you're going to get through this."

"But I'm only strong because of people like you who help lift me back up when I fall," Olivia admits in a somewhat choked voice, her hold on Amanda's body becoming more firm and Amanda tightening her own grip around the other woman's trembling figure in response.

"You're strong all by yourself, Liv," Amanda whispers fiercely into her ear before pressing another tender kiss onto Olivia's forehead and tucking them both deeper beneath the covers so her boss feels warm and safe and loved. "But I promise never to leave you alone and I'll always be here to help lift you back up when you fall."


	23. Moving Forward

**I'm currently rewatching all of the SVU seasons from 13-19, starting with Amanda's first episode. This chapter takes place right after "Scorched Earth" when Olivia finds out that Elliot has put his papers in and she cries in the interrogation room. It broke my heart that she was crying alone, so I wanted to change that.  
**

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 **Title : Moving Forward  
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 **Genre : Hurt/comfort/friendship**

 **Rating : T**

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"No, I'll go. Give me five and we'll roll."

Amanda nods in acknowledgement to what her new colleague has just said, watchful blue eyes tracking the tall, curvy figure of Olivia Benson as the other woman strides quickly out of the squad room and down the hallway. She flips idly through some paperwork on a desk that still has yet to be properly organized as Fin and Munch converse amongst themselves, unsure of whether to feel disappointed or relieved that Olivia has offered to go out into the field in her place for their latest call.

A part of her is ready to jump into their newest case with both feet, eager to keep proving herself as a worthy detective amidst people who are much older and more experienced than she is, and always willing to sink her teeth into another assignment. They have just wrapped up her first case ever at the Manhattan Special Victims Unit, and she doesn't want to admit that her usually boundless energy is already flagging, the stress of the recent big move from Atlanta to New York creating an immense amount of exhaustion.

Although excited to be starting a new life in this city and grateful to be far away from the toxic and at times downright terrifying environment of her previous precinct, it is taking some time to get settled in properly. Frannie is not adjusting well to the change of scenery and routine and has kept Amanda awake most nights since arriving from down south, and she has discovered that some of her boxes seem to have mysteriously disappeared en route from her previous living quarters. Add to that the frequent nightmares and occasional flashbacks that are still plaguing her after spending years working under the command of Deputy Chief Charles Patton, and Amanda is pretty much at the end of her rope.

Despite the varied and complex issues she is currently facing, Amanda is more than determined not only to succeed but also to flourish in New York; resolving to keep pushing the negative issues deep down inside and just get on with her life. Amanda is aware that this attitude is certainly not the healthiest way to go about things while moving forward, but she wants nothing more than to put the unfortunate events of Atlanta behind her and move on with what she is sure will be the most challenging and fulfilling job opportunity she has ever had.

As of this very moment, however, she is much more concerned about her idol and co-worker than she is for herself, craning her neck and frowning in confusion as she watches Olivia duck into a nearby interrogation room instead of heading into the bathroom, where Amanda had assumed she was going. The object of her affection and awe looks downright miserable and devastated, in spite of Olivia's obvious attempts to prove otherwise; Amanda taking a great amount of pride in her ability to get an accurate read on people.

She mumbles something to Fin and Munch about needing to step out for a minute to use the washroom, both men murmuring absently in reply before returning their attention to their conversation and Amanda throwing a glance into her new boss' office as she hurries after Olivia. Cragen looks both distracted and disturbed as she walks by, Amanda aware of the tension and turmoil that Elliot Stabler's departure has caused for their team but not too clear on many of the details. All she knows for sure is that Olivia has just lost her partner of a dozen years and can't be feeling too good about everything that has transpired lately, Amanda intent on providing any comfort and assurance that the brunette needs.

She hesitates at the closed door of the interrogation room, her usual confidence flagging momentarily when she hears what sounds like a stifled sob from within, and chewing thoughtfully on her lower lip while trying to come to a decision. Amanda is not usually one for letting other people have their personal space and privacy if something is wrong and needs to be dealt with, always committed to help making things right unless it is she herself who is going through something, and then all bets are off.

It occurs to Amanda that Olivia might be just as private as she is and may not want to be interrupted while dealing with whatever has just happened in Cragen's office, scraping the toe of one shoe across the linoleum floor as she thinks. When another soft cry sounds from inside the room, Amanda blows out a concerned breath and places her hand on the door knob, turning it cautiously before easing the door open and peering into the dim interior.

Olivia has her back to the door and doesn't seem to be aware of her presence just yet, Amanda's heart aching as she observes the older woman's shoulders shaking while she cries and her hands twitching with the effort to stop herself from reaching out to pull Olivia into a tight embrace. Although she feels like she has known the brunette for years due to all of the articles she has read and the news segments she has watched, Amanda knows that this could very well be considered overstepping her boundaries, as she is still a virtual stranger to this woman.

Deciding to make her presence known, since Olivia appears to be too wrapped up in her grief to notice her, Amanda clears her throat softly and winces when the older woman jumps and whirls around with a startled expression on her tear-streaked face.

"Rollins, what are you doing in here?" Any judgment or anger that might be residing in Olivia's tone at Amanda's intrusion into this private moment is diluted with the heartbreaking whimper that immediately emits from her throat after she has spoken.

"I just want to help," Amanda replies gently, raising her hands into the air in a non-threatening gesture as she takes a step toward Olivia and closes the door behind her, effectively sequestering them from the rest of the squad.

"Help with what?" Olivia scoffs shakily as she drags an arm over her cheeks, smearing tears and makeup across her olive skin.

"With whatever is going on," Amanda says quietly, her fingers skimming the material of her colleague's blazer as she briefly reaches out a comforting hand before letting her arm drop back down to her side.

"Whatever is going on is absolutely none of your business, Rollins." Olivia's voice is flat when she answers, the hint of a snarl visible beneath her words.

"Okay, sorry," Amanda murmurs in contrition, watching Olivia's gaze drop to the ground as another tear leaks from her eye, longing to pull the taller woman into her arms and wipe away any more of the salty liquid that breaks free. "You looked upset when you walked away and I saw you come in here instead of going into the bathroom. I just wanted to make sure you're okay."

Olivia's large dark eyes swing up to meet her own blue ones, Amanda nearly reduced to tears herself at the sheer amount of anguish and vulnerability that she sees dwelling there in the depths of her gaze. The brunette heaves a sigh before slumping into a sitting position on the table, her head hanging low and thick waves of hair obscuring her contorted features, the toe of Amanda's shoe dragging along the floor again as she tries to decide how best to proceed from here.

When Olivia doesn't speak right away to indicate whether she would prefer that Amanda stay or go, she very slowly eases herself down beside her co-worker, overcome with sympathy and compassion and desperate to make things at least a little more bearable for the other woman. She takes a chance and lays a tender hand on Olivia's forearm, once again moving at a very languid pace to give her fellow detective time to pull away or voice her need for Amanda to leave, relieved when Olivia just sighs again and actually shifts the tiniest bit toward her.

"I know I'm new here and we're still getting to know each other but if you want to talk, I would be more than happy to listen," Amanda says softly, pretty sure she can feel an actual physical pain piercing her chest as she listens to another stifled sob. "Whatever you say will just stay between us, I promise."

"We don't-" Olivia's voice sounds like it catches in her throat when she begins to reply, Amanda's fingers tightening around her arm and giving a gentle squeeze of encouragement. "We don't have time to talk. I need to pull myself together and get back out there. Fin and I need to get going."

"Why don't you let me go with Fin and you can stay here and take some time to yourself?" Amanda suggests in a low tone as she hears footsteps rapidly approaching the door, praying they are not about to be interrupted and her fears quickly allayed when the potential intruder continues down the hall.

"I just found out that my partner of twelve years put his papers in," Olivia announces abruptly, Amanda turning her head to study the other woman in surprise, as she hadn't expected her to say anything else. "He's my best friend, the one person I'm closest to in this world and someone I saw nearly every single day since I was practically a rookie, and now he's just gone. He won't even answer his phone when I call or text back when I send him a message. He's turned into a goddamn ghost; almost as if he's vanished into thin air."

Amanda is observing Olivia very closely as she speaks and can see the brunette's chin trembling violently and her mouth dragging down at one side, like she is furiously trying to contain another bout of tears. That growing ache inside her chest is expanding outwards to overtake her entire body, Amanda able to feel Olivia's distress so acutely, it's as if the other woman's agony has transferred over to herself.

She shifts sideways on the table so their bodies are brushing against each other now, taking another chance and sliding a gentle arm around Olivia's shoulders, feeling the instant flinch from the taller figure in response before Olivia seems to relax somewhat. Amanda's protective and comforting instincts are at an all-time high as she traces light fingertips around her colleague's upper arm in an attempt to soothe, the deep feelings that she has for Olivia bubbling even closer to the surface as she tries in vain to push them back down.

Amanda has had a massive crush on the older woman long before she had ever arrived in New York, having found Olivia to be an absolutely fascinating person the first time she had laid eyes on a picture of her in the newspaper and read the accompanying article. Her feelings have only grown stronger since meeting the legendary Olivia Benson in the flesh and getting to work with her on such a high-profile and intense case, but Amanda is determined not to let on just how deeply she feels for the older detective.

Instead, she is simply intent on providing as much solace and care as she possibly can for a woman who does so much for others, and giving Olivia a safe place to talk about what is on her mind while letting the brunette know that she can fully trust her new colleague. "I'm so sorry to hear that, Olivia," Amanda says softly, her heart skipping a beat when her co-worker briefly grabs onto the front of her shirt as if trying to anchor herself to the table and Amanda's body before she slides onto the floor in an anguished heap.

She is aware of Olivia's subtle attempts to snuggle further into her smaller form, and tightens her hold on the quivering body next to her, wishing they were free to leave for the day and had not just been called out to another case. Amanda knows time is of the essence here; that if they spend much longer cooped up in the interrogation room together, one of the guys is more than likely to come looking for them and will find Olivia in a puddle of tears and cuddling up to the newest member of their squad while she cries.

"I don't mean to sound too forward with what I'm about to ask, but are you free tonight?" she whispers into the older woman's ear, Olivia's silky hair tickling the bare skin of her neck and sending a pleasant tingle down her spine. "How about we just grab a beer somewhere and we can talk? Maybe get to know each other a little better? You look like you could use a friend right about now."

She pauses in order to lean slightly away from Olivia, their eyes locking onto one another and an unreadable emotion in her fellow detective's gaze, Amanda giving her a tender smile in response. "And I'm more than happy to be one."

Olivia is silent for so long that Amanda is afraid she is not going to answer, the quiet stretching out amidst them as they stare at each other and remain entwined together in their sitting positions on the table; practically melting with relief when she finally receives a tremulous smile in return.

"Yeah, sure, Rollins, I guess that would be okay," Olivia replies softly, Amanda's breath catching in her throat at how stunningly beautiful the older woman looks when she smiles, even despite the tear-stained cheeks and smeared makeup. "You're right; I could definitely use a friend right now."

"Please call me Amanda," she says with a sudden shyness, feeling a slight blush creeping up her neck to infuse her pale face with color. "If we're going to be friends, we might as well be on a first-name basis with each other. 'Rollins' is a bit formal and impersonal, don't you think?"

"Okay, Amanda." Olivia's smile widens and actually appears to reach her eyes this time, a hint of a twinkle visible in those chocolate orbs and Amanda feeling a swell of hope rising inside.

That hope is for the future; for the two of them to become closer friends or possibly more, for Olivia to come to terms with her immense loss, and for Amanda to continue moving forward with her life until everything that had transpired in Atlanta is nothing but a distant memory.


	24. Not Worth Pursuing

**This chapter takes place right after season 13's episode "Educated Guess". After Olivia told Gia Eskes that she had been assaulted and Amanda admitted to Liv that something had happened to her on the job, I wanted them to bond more.**

 **Trigger warnings for mentions of rape. **

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 **Title : Not Worth Pursuing **

**Genre : Hurt/comfort/friendship**

 **Rating : T**

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It is very quiet in the elevator as Olivia rides with her colleague back down to the ground floor, shooting quick glances over at Amanda from time to time, the blonde detective standing stock still and staring straight ahead with a blank expression on her face. She has very mixed emotions after wrapping up the case with Gia Eskes and talking to the younger woman in the fenced-off outdoor common area upstairs, images of her own assault whirling through her brain and thoughts of Amanda's recent revelation piquing her curiosity and concern.

Olivia feels like they have left Gia in a better state of mind with some hope for the future and in the beginning stages of recovery from the horrific abuse she had been made to endure at the hands of her uncle for the past decade, but senses that the same cannot be said for her co-worker. Amanda seems to have retreated into some kind of protective shell over the course of the past few days, becoming practically silent every time she has been alone with Olivia while remaining quite vocal on their case and her need to help Gia get some kind of justice.

Olivia regrets not pushing further when Amanda had revealed a tiny scrap of information about her former life in Atlanta, just letting the subject drop since they were so embroiled in their case and memories of her time at Sealview have been playing on a disturbing loop inside her brain. Now, though, as she observes a slight shudder run through the small body beside her, Amanda suddenly looking much younger than her thirty-one years, Olivia feels that familiar compassion and empathy bubbling to the surface as she wonders what kind of thoughts are currently tormenting the other woman.

"Do you want to talk?" she asks softly, watching Amanda jump slightly as she breaks the silence between them and noticing the hint of a confused wrinkle on the pale forehead of her colleague.

"Well, Gia seems to be doing better than she was," Amanda offers while gesturing up to the ceiling, toward the floor they have just left. "I meant it when I said she sounded strong. I think she's going to be okay, or at least she will be eventually."

"And what about you?" Olivia prods gently, the frown on Amanda's face becoming deeper. "Are you going to be okay?"

"What are you talking about?" Amanda's voice is puzzled when she answers, along with holding a somewhat guarded note.

"When I asked if you wanted to talk, I didn't mean about Gia," Olivia corrects lightly, taking a step closer to the smaller figure and praying that no one else decides to join them in the elevator. "I'm glad she's doing better and her uncle is going to be put away for the rest of his life, but I was talking about you."

"Why wouldn't I be okay?" Amanda questions warily, backing away from Olivia in the stifling metal box, as if seeking to put some physical distance between them. "And what would I have to talk about?"

"I think you know," Olivia replies in a low tone, holding her hands briefly in the air to indicate that she won't move any closer. "You told me that you had to leave your other job because something had happened."

"Oh, just forget about it, Olivia," Amanda says with a roll of her eyes and a flippant wave of her hand. "I said that in the heat of the moment, when we were all confessing things that had happened to us. I felt a connection to you guys. But it's really not that big of a deal."

"If it made you leave your job, that sounds like a pretty big deal to me." Olivia is trying not to push too hard while they converse, as Amanda's body language now appears quite defensive and she suspects the younger woman might actually sprint from the elevator once they reach the ground. "I just want to make sure you're doing okay after this case. It was very intense and emotional and it's understandable that it would bring back memories of past traumatic events. There's no shame in admitting that."

"So it's bringing back bad memories for you, then?" Amanda challenges with an eyebrow arched high on her forehead, although her voice holds noticeable concern as they gaze at each other.

"Yes," Olivia acknowledges slowly with a slight shrug of her shoulders, deciding to be truthful about what she has been going through since she wants Amanda to feel safe enough to open up to her. "Sometimes certain cases bring back things I would rather not think about. I've been having trouble sleeping lately."

"I'm sorry to hear that, Olivia." Amanda's voice is hushed and halting when she speaks, those big blue eyes now trained steadily upon her own brown pair instead of darting wildly around the interior of the elevator like she is looking for a means of escape. "I know how it is...to have thoughts in your head that you wish would disappear...and to be too afraid to close your eyes at night."

"Do you want to tell me about it?" Olivia tries again carefully, her heart aching for the younger woman and feeling a hint of hope as Amanda stares hard at her and expels a soft sigh before parting her lips wider like she is about to keep talking.

The elevator suddenly jerks to a stop a couple of floor away from their destination on the main level, Olivia watching Amanda flinch with surprise, as if this is quite an unexpected occurrence in such a busy and bustling hospital. They are immediately pushed right to the back of the tiny, sweltering metal box as a large group of people, doctors and patients alike and the majority of them male, shove their way inside and squish together into the small space like a pack of sardines.

Amanda has gone sheet white in the presence of so many men packed so tightly into the same spot and causing them both to be plastered against the rear wall, a horrified reaction Olivia has never seen from her before, and she slides her hand down Amanda's arm, tangling their fingers together and discreetly pulling the blonde detective into her side. Amanda doesn't resist at all this time and shifts her small body impossibly closer to her, the two women standing there with their fingers laced and their shoulders touching until the elevator finally reaches the ground floor.

Amanda's hand is clammy and trembling against her own, Olivia determinedly elbowing her way through the crowd as soon as the doors slide open and not letting go of her colleague until they are safely in the lobby. She has the strong urge to wrap an arm around Amanda's shoulders and guide her through the throng of people, chatter and laughter and a muffled sob ringing out around them as they make their way toward the front doors of the hospital, but refrains from showing any more physical affection and assurance for the time being.

Olivia breathes a sigh of relief when they are back out in the chilly November air, the breeze feeling very refreshing and soothing despite the rain and gloom that has descended on the city; glad to be away from the hot and claustrophobic atmosphere of the medical center. She keeps her gaze fixed intently on Amanda as they walk back to the car and get inside, Olivia sitting behind the steering wheel and pulling the seat belt across her chest and lap but making no move to turn the vehicle on.

Amanda is quiet beside her, long blonde hair framing a face that is bowed down and thin shoulders hunched slightly, the other woman looking like she is trying not to show how shaken she has become and is resolute in pulling herself together. Her golden locks had been pulled back into a ponytail while conversing with Gia upstairs, but Amanda has since yanked the elastic from her hair and shaken it loose, Olivia wondering if she had done so in order to better hide her tormented expression. Olivia's heart goes out to her, recognizing how hard Amanda is working to prove herself in a squad made up of people who are older and more experienced than she is, and guesses the last thing her fellow detective wants to do is have a complete breakdown in the presence of a colleague that she still doesn't know very well.

"Look, I know we've only been working together for a couple of months but I'm here if you want to talk, Amanda," she says softly, eager to reestablish that physical connection between them as she lays a hand on the other woman's forearm, as well as keeping up the emotional one by offering to provide a listening ear. "I'll support you in any way that I can."

Amanda glances over at her with apparent surprise at this gentle announcement, Olivia noticing the sheen of tears in her eyes right away and that empathetic pain in her chest growing in intensity as she wonders what her new co-worker has gone through in the past. She watches as Amanda's mouth opens slowly, like the younger woman is about to start speaking but is hesitant to do so, and she gives her arm an encouraging squeeze while sliding closer on the seat.

"It's something not worth pursuing," Amanda whispers in a barely audible tone, the shame and sadness she is feeling quite obvious to Olivia as the smaller woman repeats what she had said outside of Gia's hospital room the other day.

"Are you sure about that?" she questions tenderly, Amanda's uncharacteristically vulnerable appearance pulling at her heartstrings and inducing a desperate need to provide some sort of comfort. "Because it seems like whatever happened back in Atlanta is still causing you quite a bit of pain."

"It does," Amanda confirms in a choked tone, a tear slipping slowly down her cheek and dripping off her chin to land on her jacket. "It causes me pain every single day, but I'm trying to get past it, Olivia. I want New York to be a fresh start for me. I'm trying to put it behind me."

"Put what behind you?" Olivia asks gently, peering attentively at the tiny form huddled next to her and giving her arm another brief squeeze.

Amanda is silent for so long that she begins to think there is no answer forthcoming and decides to turn the car on so they can start heading back to the precinct, her keys hovering in the air beside the steering wheel in preparation to leave when two words are uttered so quietly that she has to strain to hear them.

"The rape."

Olivia's heart sinks at Amanda's confession, the guilt and regret more than obvious in the other woman's tone, and even though she has already suspected that this is what the answer might be, it doesn't make it hurt any less to know that the young blonde detective has been victimized in the past and is clearly being triggered by their latest case.

"I'm so sorry, honey," she says very softly, sweeping Amanda's hair over her shoulder so they can see each other better and trying to ignore the disturbing images swirling through her brain of her own degrading and terrifying time at Sealview. "I'm sorry that happened to you."

"Don't be sorry," Amanda sniffles with a shrug, swiping an arm across her face to wipe away the tears, but more of the salty liquid continuing to fall in their wake. "It was my fault. I brought it on myself. But when I changed my mind and wanted to leave, I couldn't. He wouldn't let me. I walked right into it, knowing full well what was going to happen, so I don't deserve your kindness and compassion, Olivia. Save that for the real victims, like Gia."

"Amanda." Olivia leans over the trembling figure of her colleague and places smooth fingertips beneath the small woman's chin, raising her head up so they are looking one another in the eye, her heart breaking at the depth of anguish she sees residing in those misty blue orbs. "I don't know the details, but I can tell you with complete certainly that it _wasn't_ your fault. And no matter what the circumstances were, you deserve to be listened to and treated with understanding and respect."

"You're right, Olivia, you don't know what the circumstances were," Amanda replies brokenly, her voice cracking on a sob. "You don't know what happened; you don't know what I did."

"Then tell me," Olivia urges with a gentle firmness, her hand sliding from Amanda's chin to feather soft blonde hair away from her damp face. "There's no judgment here, I promise. And if you want the details to stay between the two of us, I promise they will. You can trust me."

"We have to go back to the precinct, though," Amanda mutters in protest, her shoulders slumping down as if in defeat. "There's not enough time to explain everything on the way there."

"We're not on the clock for much longer," Olivia reminds her quietly as she continues to stroke Amanda's hair with a tender hand. "We just have to check back in with Cragen and then we're free to go. Why don't we go out and do something? Maybe get something to eat? Or you can come over to my place for the evening, if you want."

Amanda's eyes widen slightly at this invitation, like she is stunned at the prospect of spending time with her fellow detective outside of work, a somewhat pleased and hopeful expression flitting over her anguished features before a look of doubt sets in.

"You don't have to do that, Olivia," she responds stiffly, as if already gearing up for inevitable rejection even though Olivia had been the one to suggest a more personal and informal way of spending time together. "I'll be fine."

"From what I can see, you're definitely not fine, Amanda," she argues gently, sliding an arm around a quivering set of shoulders and pulling the younger woman closer as Amanda seems to be engaging in an internal debate about whether or not to accept her invitation. "Let me be here for you."

There is another moment of heavy silence as they huddle together in the car while rain splatters swiftly against the windshield, the world beyond the vehicle ceasing to exist as Olivia awaits an answer from a colleague who is quickly turning into a friend, overcome with a wave of relief when Amanda meets her gaze again and her lips quirk into a faint smile.

"Okay, Olivia, let's go get something to eat."


	25. From Colleagues to Friends

**This chapter takes place right after the season 16 episode "Holden's Manifesto". Noah does not exist in this storyline.**

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 **Title : From Colleagues to Friends  
**

 **Genre : Hurt/comfort/friendship**

 **Rating : T**

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Olivia's heart practically stutters to a stop inside of her chest the second she sees Amanda walking out of that classroom, the younger woman's face coated in the fresh blood of Holden March. Fin and Nick are hurrying to keep up with the blonde detective's determined yet shaky steps, Amanda looking like she is trying to escape either the concern of her co-workers or the body that lays behind in the room she has just vacated, or perhaps it is a mixture of the two.

Olivia's intention to reach out and comfort her colleague and try to provide some assistance in the aftermath of a hostage situation that has ended in both a positive and a negative way, is momentarily thwarted as she stares at the crimson stain spreading across Amanda's pale cheeks. She is instantly catapulted back to six months prior when she herself had been the one with a face covered in blood, led away from the body of William Lewis on wobbly legs that threatened to collapse beneath her after surviving another showdown with him and one that had ultimately cost the monster his life.

Olivia is so caught up in horrific flashbacks of the past; is so entrenched in memories of a different time and place, that she is briefly convinced the busy school has transformed into an abandoned factory, and blinks in surprise when she notices that Amanda has come to a halt right in front of her. For a tense and prolonged moment, brown eyes bore straight into blue, both women unblinking as they stare at each other, and Olivia knows that Amanda is caught up in her own internal grief and chaos right now, her younger colleague looking completely shell-shocked.

There is a tiny wrinkle etched into the porcelain skin between Amanda's blonde eyebrows; skin that is now flecked with bits of blood and gore, the smaller woman's head titled slightly to the side in an unspoken question, like her concern for the former hostages and the dead man lying sprawled across the floor in that classroom has now transferred over to her sergeant. Olivia makes an effort to shield her brain from more unwanted remembrances of past events that she would do anything to forget, reminding herself that this is about Amanda and that the other woman needs her to be strong right now.

The hallways are clogged with members of the NYPD, Fin and Nick having come to an abrupt stop directly behind their co-worker, and there are so many people gathered outside the school now, that the noise level can be heard quite clearly from where they stand. There are a million things to do and protocol that needs to be followed, but all Olivia can see is that devastated, stunned look on Amanda's face, and the knowledge that she had tried so hard to save someone who had ended up being shot dead right in front of her.

Without a word to indicate what she is doing, Olivia simply reaches down and grasps onto Amanda's limp wrist, ignoring the black thoughts in her own head and the puzzled comments from Fin and Nick, and leads the small detective into the bathroom a few feet away. She is aware of Amanda's confused protests, the younger woman seeming to spring back to life with the touch of her superior's hand, but continues tugging gently on the fine-boned wrist until they are alone in the room and the door has swung shut behind them.

"Are you okay, Amanda?" Olivia asks immediately, already anticipating a dishonest answer and not letting go of her colleague as they stand there face to face again; sensing that Amanda needs physical contact and a listening ear right now.

"I..." Amanda starts to speak, her voice somewhat choked as she gazes up at Olivia with tormented blue eyes, and she prepares herself for the inevitable _I'm_ _fine_ that is likely about to fall from the detective's lips.

"No."

Olivia blinks in surprise again at the short and honest response that she receives from Amanda instead, her breath catching sharply in her throat when the other woman's knees suddenly begin to buckle beneath her body. A short gasp escapes her mouth as she lunges forward to catch Amanda before she falls and hits the hard floor, banding her arms firmly around her co-worker's ribs and holding on tightly in an effort to guide them both safely to the ground.

Olivia ends up sprawled across the tiles with an ache in her back and her subordinate slumped in her lap, heart thumping frantically and sweat beading her brow when she hears a low sob from the woman huddled up against her. "I'm going to get the paramedics in here," she states in a trembling tone that she tries to keep under control, feeling Amanda shaking her head vigorously and watching the blood smear across her own bulletproof vest as the detective pushes her face into her chest.

"Please don't," Amanda replies softly, small hands gripping onto Olivia's upper arms with a strength that belies the weakness she can feel in the shuddering figure sitting atop her thighs. "I just need a minute."

Olivia nods silently and listens to the harsh breathing of the younger woman; can hear Fin and Nick knocking on the door and asking what's going on, and the hive of activity both inside the classroom and out on the street growing louder by the second. Instead of reassuring her squad members that everything is fine and they will rejoin them momentarily, she simply gathers Amanda more closely to her body and continues to hold the smaller woman on her lap, prepared to snarl at anyone who tries to enter the room and interrupt them.

Olivia knows that they have been in these kinds of situations countless times before; that they are trained to deal with circumstances like these while they are occurring and in the immediate aftermath, whether or not things turn out in their favor, but despite being such an elite squad and dealing with these heartbreaking issues on a day to day basis, they are only human. There are cracks in the armor from time to time with every single member of their team, a thinning of those invisible shields that they all use to protect themselves from the evil of some members of society; a way for them to somehow go on after the worst has happened and it has not gone the way they had hoped it would.

Every once in awhile, however, all of that bravado and toughness collapses entirely and they are left wading in helpless confusion through the wreckage; a place that Olivia has found herself in far too often lately. Before even realizing what she is doing, she presses a light kiss to the crown of Amanda's blonde head and whispers to take all the time she needs and just sit there until she feels well enough to get back to her feet.

"I had him, Liv," Amanda hisses fiercely, the younger woman leaning back slightly so they are eye to eye again, those blue orbs wide and glistening with unshed tears and a drop of blood rolling down her cheek. "He was listening to me, I was getting through to him. We were establishing a connection with each other. He was so young and there was still time to get him the help he needed-"

Her voice breaks on a haunted sob, Olivia watching as Amanda's eyes squeeze shut and she claps a hand over her mouth, most likely terrified that her cries will be overheard by their colleagues in the hallway and trying to stifle anymore forthcoming noises. A tear dribbles out from beneath one clenched eyelid to mingle in with the crimson streaks across her cheeks and nose, and Olivia tightens her arms around the quivering body on her lap, murmuring soothing words into her ear.

"Amanda, it was not our call to make," she reminds the other woman as gently as possible, rocking her back and forth for a moment in an attempt to calm her down before they have to face the insanity that is awaiting them outside that door. "You did everything you could. This is not on you. And the girls got out safely. They're going to be okay because of the actions you chose to take."

Amanda's expression crumples with the supreme effort that it seems to be taking to keep all of her emotions bottled up inside, and Olivia has to blink rapidly to hold her own tears at bay in the face of such stark and intense pain from her co-worker. She realizes that it has been over three years since they had started working together, and this is the first time they have held each other like this; that they have truly let their guards down in one another's presence and are allowing themselves to be open and vulnerable.

Amanda is one of the toughest detectives she has ever worked with and doesn't often let her emotions show like this; usually it is anger and not tears that make an appearance when she is really rattled or passionate about something, and Olivia feels honored to be the person who is here with the younger woman in her time of need. Amanda could have easily fled the bathroom when she had first pulled her in there, but has chosen to stay and let herself have a quick breakdown in the comfort and security of Olivia's embrace before pulling the usual armor back into place and facing everyone awaiting her.

She feels another swell of deep emotion when Amanda opens her eyes and they gaze so intently at each other again, the younger woman's hand coming up to brush some hair away from Olivia's forehead and taking a deep breath before speaking. "Thank you for doing this for me, Liv. I know I'm triggering you because of the way I look right now. I know it reminds of you what happened with Lewis and that I look much the same way you did right afterwards, so I really appreciate this."

Amanda pauses briefly and bites down hard on her lower lip, Olivia feeling those slender fingers stroking gently through her hair as she forces herself to keep her eyes on the blonde detective and not glance away as the sight of all that blood does indeed bring back another fresh wave of terrible memories. She decides to be as honest with Amanda as the smaller woman is being with her, and grabs ahold of one the clammy hands that is still gripping onto her upper arm, lacing their fingers snugly together and squeezing tightly.

"You're right, Amanda, I am feeling triggered right now," Olivia admits in a low tone, her heart aching at the depth of compassion that she sees radiating from the detective's gaze despite her own immense pain. "But this isn't about me. I want to be here for you, okay? I can deal with my own stuff later on. I'll be fine."

"Don't give me that, Liv," Amanda scoffs lightly, another tear making a wet, clear trail through the mess of blood on her face and smooth fingertips digging a little deeper into Olivia's arm as if to get her point across. "I know you're not fine. You haven't been fine for a long time now. And I want to be there to help you deal with whatever you're going through, just like you've been here for me, alright?"

A huge lump has taken up residence inside of Olivia's throat now and it takes every ounce of strength that she possesses not to let loose with all of those emotions that have been bottled up inside for so long now, grateful for Amanda's offer and wanting to take her up on it when they are done for the day and are free to go. She gives a tremulous smile at the woman still perched in her lap, tightening her hold on the slender digits nestled against her own, a certain relief and calm overtaking her body at the knowledge that when the timing is right, she will have someone to share her pain with.

"Thank you, Amanda, I'd like that," Olivia whispers in a hushed tone, her smile widening as she continues gazing softly at the woman who is slowly turning from a colleague into a friend.


	26. Benefit of the Doubt

**This chapter takes place right after the season 17 episode "Star-Struck Victims".**

 **I've tried to alternate between Olivia's and Amanda's point of view during each chapter of this series, but the last few chapters in a row have been begging to be written from Liv's POV so I had to go with the flow.**

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 **Title : Benefit of the Doubt  
**

 **Genre : Hurt/comfort/friendship **

**Rating : T**

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Olivia sits at her desk as she watches Dodds leave the office, her sergeant's semi-confession to leaking the video featuring the attempted rape of her youngest detective seeming to hang in the air with the weight of a physical object. Her eyes follow him as the door closes behind his retreating form and he takes a seat at his desk; gaze straying over to Amanda's hunched frame and noting the slumped shoulders and bowed head, long blonde hair obscuring what is likely a very disgruntled expression.

Olivia feels a swift stab of guilt at the conversation that had just taken place with her subordinate before the interruption by Dodds, biting her lip as she recalls accusing Amanda of leaking the video and bringing up her recurring trust issues with the smaller woman. She has been so blinded by anger and suspicion regarding the video showing up on a local news station, as well as dealing with the disappointment and sympathy for their victim in the wake of a trial that had not ended positively, that Olivia's other feelings on the situation have been buried.

Those feelings are creeping back up to the surface now, however, as she observes Amanda's slumped figure; feelings of horror and shock and sadness overtaking everything else as her mind replays what she had seen on that video and she is reminded of just how close the younger woman had come to being raped again. Olivia knows that she owes Amanda an apology for her accusation, along with wanting to make sure that her detective is doing okay, and resolves to try as hard as possible to wade through the lingering anger and betrayal she still feels at Amanda going rogue.

After a quick glance down at the small stack of paperwork awaiting her on the desk, she notices Amanda getting up from her chair and heading in the direction of the bathrooms, Olivia deciding to follow and slipping as quietly as she can out of her office. She is relieved that the guys are now engrossed in a discussion about the fate of Bobby D'Amico's Netflix series and don't acknowledge her sudden departure from the squad room, hurrying down the hall to find Amanda alone in the restroom.

The blonde detective is leaning up against the row of sinks with her hands braced on the counter and her head hanging low once again, looking defeated and exhausted instead of cocky or enraged, like Olivia has seen her lately. This uncharacteristic attitude is pulling at her heartstrings despite the negative emotions she has toward the other woman, Amanda's head snapping up and big blue eyes regarding her warily as Olivia takes a tentative step closer.

"Are you okay?" she asks softly, stopping short when she sees Amanda leaning away from her as if she is invading the younger woman's personal space.

"Not really," Amanda admits in a quiet tone, Olivia's eyebrows raising in surprise when she doesn't receive the customary and expected _I'm fine_ in response.

"Are you having flashbacks or nightmares of Patton because of what happened?" she questions in concern, again surprised at the sparse yet truthful answer that emits from Amanda's mouth in reply.

"Yes."

"But you still chose to go through with what you did, knowing that this might be the outcome." Olivia's statement is spoken without malice, although Amanda's eyebrows draw together in a deep frown, and she realizes that she is much more dismayed about the other woman putting herself in harm's way than choosing to go behind her back and take matters into her own hands once again.

"I had to do something to get those assholes, Liv," the blonde detective mutters in a fierce tone, tired cerulean orbs coming alive with passion and indignation as she speaks. "We couldn't just let them get away with what they've done. I wasn't even thinking about the repercussions to myself; I just wanted justice for the women they hurt."

"I should fire you for doing what you did," Olivia replies flatly, dark gaze boring steadily into Amanda's and the smaller woman staring right back at her without blinking.

"Well, are you going to?"

"No, I'm not," she answers after a moment's pause, blowing out a breath as she watches Amanda's tense shoulders loosen somewhat at this response.

Her subordinate's chin dips slightly in what might pass for a thank you, a brief expression of relief crossing her delicate features and a whispered, "I'm sorry," falling from parted lips.

"You're not sorry," Olivia replies instantly but without a hint of venom evident in her voice, just frustration and worry with the situation; barely stifling the urge to roll her eyes at Amanda's lack of reply and knowing that this time she is correct about the younger woman lying right to her face.

"How bad are the nightmares and flashbacks?" Olivia continues gently, deciding to return to the previous subject of her concern and letting the rest of it drop for now.

"I'll get through them," Amanda says with a shrug, her intense gaze straying away to fix intently on a chipped floor tile.

"That's not what I asked," Olivia replies softly, observing another flippant shrug in her direction, like whatever Amanda is currently going through doesn't matter and is not worth the discussion.

"Well, between the bad dreams and Jesse crying for half the night, I'm not getting much sleep lately. And the flashbacks happen a few times during the day, so I guess you could say things aren't really the best right now." There is a slight hitch in Amanda's breathing before she speaks in a more placating tone, as if feeling the need to reassure her boss. "But I know everything will get better soon. This is only temporary."

"Have you started seeing anyone for these issues?" Olivia inquires lightly, fully aware of Amanda's loathing for therapy and immediately predicting the answer she will receive. "Or do you plan on doing that in the near future?"

"I'll be fine, Liv."

"Again, that's not what I asked," she shoots back, trying to push down those rising levels of frustration and worry in the face of Amanda's seeming nonchalance with the matter.

"No," the smaller woman huffs out in exasperation, throwing her hands up into the air and fixing Olivia with narrowed blue eyes. "But I'm guessing you already knew that. I don't need to see anyone. As I just said, this is only temporary."

"How do you know it's only temporary?" Olivia challenges in reply, one eyebrow arched high on her forehead as she continues to regard her detective with a very serious expression.

"Because they always stop eventually," Amanda murmurs in a nearly inaudible tone, a hand coming up to swipe an errant strand of hair away from her cheek. "They did after what happened back in Atlanta, and then after Patton came to New York. Both times I had to go through them for a little while, but then they stopped and I got on with my life."

"So that's what you're going to do now?" Olivia replies tightly, deciding to push just a little bit harder on this subject because Amanda is refusing to acknowledge just how important her mental health is. "Simply get on with your life like you're not being triggered by what happened in that bathroom with those two men?"

"I don't have a choice, Liv," Amanda's voice is louder now as she repeats the gesture of throwing her hands up into the air in agitation. "I can't just drop everything to wallow in my own misery. I have Jesse to think about now. I don't have time for this. And I put myself in that situation, like you so helpfully reminded me. So I suppose that I deserve whatever I get, don't I?"

"You don't deserve to suffer through nightmares and flashbacks, Amanda." Olivia's tone softens, her heart aching at the detective's words and recalling how Amanda had said something similar during Patton's trial; that she had knowingly walked into the situation and whatever had happened as a result was her own fault.

Olivia feels an immense urge to wrap this infuriating woman in her arms and soothe away all of the hurt and stress, guilt-stricken at laying the blame on Amanda for what she is dealing with in the aftermath of what had taken place in that bar, and knowing this is not the kind of person she is; not who she strives to be every single day on this job. She takes another step closer and lays a soothing hand on Amanda's back, feeling the quivering of bunched muscles beneath her blazer and massaging her fingertips into the material.

"Are you okay?" Olivia asks again, stifling the urge to place her hands on Amanda's shoulders and press down in order to prevent the third shrug in a row from the younger woman. "You're shaking. Do you need to sit down?"

Amanda's head moves slowly back and forth in dissent as Olivia watches her mouth drag down at the side, the action indicating impending tears, and she closes the tiny remaining gap between them to take the small detective into her embrace. She is shocked when Amanda doesn't immediately pull away but instead rests a cheek against her shoulder, slender arms winding around her waist as the hug is returned, and Olivia tightens her hold around the trembling figure cuddled up to her chest, the two of them standing there in the dingy washroom and clinging onto one another like they haven't just spent the past several days at such odds.

"That video terrified me," Olivia finally admits in a whispered tone, rubbing her palms in wide circles around Amanda's back. "If something had gone wrong and you hadn't been able to overpower those men..."

"I was in control the whole time, Liv. I knew what I was doing." There is a slight quaver in the other woman's stern voice, like Amanda doesn't quite believe what she is saying, and Olivia sighs quietly and bands her arms more firmly around the small frame of her detective.

The skin of her neck begins to feel damp and she realizes that Amanda is weeping softly, her heart aching in response to her subordinate's pain, and bringing a hand up to stroke tenderly through silky blonde tresses. "It's okay, honey," she says gently, the last of her anger with the situation ebbing away entirely as she seeks to comfort the younger woman in any way that she can. "You're safe now. I've got you."

"I'm sorry, Liv," Amanda gasps out, sounding regretful and ashamed. "I didn't meant to break down like this, I didn't intend to fall apart...just give me a minute to pull myself together and then I'll go back out to the squad room."

"Just take your time," Olivia replies patiently, letting the long golden strands of Amanda's hair slip through her fingers while she continues smoothing a hand over her bent head. "There's no rush."

She feels Amanda's body jerk slightly in her arms as the detective lets out an abrupt hiccup followed by a muffled sob, and that strong need to apologize rises swiftly up inside of her again. "I wanted to say sorry for automatically accusing you of leaking the video. I should have given you the benefit of the doubt. And I know now that you didn't do it."

Amanda pulls back just enough so they are gazing at each other eye to eye, another frown marring the younger woman's pretty features as she speaks with noticeable confusion in her tone. "What? How do you know that? Did Dodds say something to you? Was he the one who leaked it?"

Olivia is silent in response to this question, not wanting to betray her sergeant's trust but needing to let Amanda know that she is off the hook for this particular transgression. Amanda seems to take the ensuing silence as a yes to her inquiries and gives a slow nod in return, a brief look of satisfaction crossing her tear-streaked face as her hands remain locked onto Olivia's waist, fingers clenched into the sides of her blazer.

Olivia rubs her hands up and down Amanda's upper arms for a moment as the smaller woman takes a deep breath and releases the pent up air bit by bit in an obvious effort to compose herself before they return to the squad room. She watches as another tear slips down her detective's cheek, and that urge to provide comfort and soothe away any lingering stress is powerful enough to have her pulling Amanda against her chest for a second hug.

Amanda seems to melt right into Olivia's body like she is very much in need of compassion and support in the wake of everything that has happened with their latest case, and Olivia resolves to keep holding the younger woman until the shuddering and crying has ceased and she is ready to get back to work.


	27. Step By Step

**This is an alternate ending to the season 15 episode "Psycho/Therapist" when Olivia is crying on the stairs in the courthouse after William Lewis' trial. I was hoping someone would find her so she wouldn't have to cry alone. There are also mentions of events that took place in "Rapist Anonymous", the episode that aired right before it.**

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 **Title : Step By Step**

 **Genre : Hurt/comfort/angst**

 **Rating : T**

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The quiet weeping is the first thing that catches Amanda's attention when she eases the door open to the stairwell near the courtroom they have just vacated, the sound muffled like someone is holding a hand over their mouth so as not to draw attention to themselves. Despite that effort, the heartbreaking noises echo throughout the dimly lit space and bounce off the walls in a painful keening that pierces straight through to her soul.

The second thing that grabs Amanda's attention is the distressing sight of her colleague slumped onto one of the steps near the bottom of the staircase, Olivia's head resting wearily against the railing and one hand gripping tightly onto the metal banister like it's the only way she is able to remain upright. Olivia's back is to Amanda and the older woman obviously hasn't noticed that she is no longer alone as the soft crying continues, the pitiful sounds causing Amanda to sink her front teeth into her lower lip as a sudden wave of intense emotion rises up inside of her while bearing witness to the brunette's torment.

She had observed Olivia sneaking off from their group as everyone had filed out of the courtroom in a crushing jumble of bodies and loud chatter after Lewis had been found guilty, Amanda deciding to creep away from the others in order to follow her co-worker and relieved that no one else seemed to realize they were gone. She inches away from the door and sits down carefully on the top step, wincing when it shuts more loudly than she had anticipated and watching Olivia's head snap up in response to the unexpected noise.

"It's okay, Liv, it's just me," Amanda murmurs in assurance as the other woman whirls around and fixes her with large dark eyes full of fear and embarrassment.

"Rollins, what are you doing here?" Olivia's voice comes out in a strangled whisper when she speaks, quickly dabbing at the tears smeared across her cheeks as if trying to cover up the fact that she is crying.

"I saw you come in here and I wanted to make sure you were okay," Amanda replies softly, sliding the soles of her shoes uncertainly back and forth across the step directly below the one she is sitting on and privately acknowledging that she is probably the last person Olivia wants to see right now. "It was pretty rough in there."

"I'm fine." The older woman's tone is clipped and tense and sounds a little bit stronger than it just did, although Amanda can still detect a slight wobble beneath the sudden bravado.

"Well, you don't look fine," she states quietly, holding up her hands to stop the objection that she can see forming on Olivia's lips and scrambling to keep talking before she is interrupted. "And it's perfectly understandable that you aren't. I can't even imagine how hard this trial has been for you."

Olivia doesn't answer this time, the taller woman's face crumpling like is making an effort to hold in more tears, shoulders hunching up to her ears and arms wrapping around her waist as if trying to shield her body from Amanda's presence and words.

"Do you want me to get Cassidy?" Amanda offers hesitantly, loathe to leave Olivia by herself for any length of time but ready to do whatever she can to make her feel safe and comforted, even if that means going to find the man her colleague is currently dating; a man that Amanda is not overly fond of.

"No, please don't do that," Olivia answers firmly, a hint of panic lacing her voice and Amanda tilting her head to the side in curiosity and concern.

"Well, is there anyone else I can get for you instead?" She continues with this line of questioning, not wanting Olivia to be alone in her pain but also acutely aware that she is likely not welcome here; not after she had told Olivia off when the brunette had recently questioned her about seeking therapy. "Maybe Fin or Nick? I'm sure they would be happy to keep you company for a few minutes. I know they're better company than I am, anyway. It's okay if you don't want me here, Liv."

Olivia is silent for so long that Amanda begins getting to her feet with the intention of alerting one of their co-workers to the issue, extremely worried for her colleague's state of mind and feeling a crushing disappointment and sadness that she will never be the person Olivia wants by her side during a crisis.

Amanda pauses with her knees bent when she hears a ragged voice asking her to stay, shock and elation rippling through her before she settles back down on the top step and trains her gaze on the slumped figure at the bottom of the staircase. "Are you sure that's what you want?" she prods softly, watching as Olivia nods wordlessly and turns around to resume her previous position so they are no longer looking at each other.

Amanda decides to take a chance by moving slowly downward to the next step so she is a tiny bit closer to Olivia, and trying to keep the other woman from shutting down completely by asking her next question. "Why don't you want Cassidy here with you right now? Are you two doing okay?"

She knows that she has absolutely no right to inquire about the state of her co-worker's relationship, especially since they can hardly be considered friends and very rarely share anything personal about their lives, but curiosity has gotten the better of her and Amanda can't seem to help herself.

"Yeah, we're fine," she hears Olivia mumble in return, surprised that she is even getting a response to her nosy query and straightening up with a stunned jolt when the brunette continues speaking. "Well, if you don't count the time I drew my gun on him, that is."

"Wait...what?" Amanda stutters out as she quickly descends another couple of steps and then comes to an abrupt halt, not wanting to alarm Olivia by jogging down the stairs so they are sitting side by side, especially when the older woman still has her back turned. "You drew your gun on your boyfriend? Why did you do that?"

"Because I didn't know it was Brian." Olivia's voice is soft and radiating with agony and shame, Amanda's heart aching for her. "He came through the door of our apartment and I thought it was someone else."

"You thought it was Lewis?" she guesses quietly, observing the sudden rigidity in Olivia's posture and knowing that she is correct in her assumption. "Liv, Lewis has been locked up for quite awhile now. He can't hurt you again."

"I _know_ that," Olivia spits out in reply, the other woman still facing resolutely forward and not sparing Amanda a glance as they converse. "Or at least that's what I tell myself...that he's locked away and can't harm me or anyone else now. But the flashbacks and nightmares...they make everything seem so realistic, like it's actually happening, and then I get confused about what's really going on..."

Amanda is drowning in wave after wave of guilt as she slinks down another step and hovers just above the fragile form of her co-worker, the comment she had made about not needing to pay someone to listen to her problems resounding in her head and wishing there was some way to take it back; cursing herself for saying something so terrible when Olivia is obviously not doing well and desperately needs to keep attending the very same therapy sessions that she had suggested to Amanda.

She has been in such a bad place lately, relapsing with her gambling addiction after the debacle with a couple of members of her support group, losing a friendship with Lena and a relationship with Nate, and having to deal with the growing tension between herself and Nick; the situation becoming bad enough to warrant a stern reprimand from Cragen in the presence of her partner.

Amanda feels like her life is spiraling rapidly out of control and she has been left clinging to any scrap of hope that she can possibly find in all of the darkness; any tiny shred of evidence to suggest that it's actually worth trying to move forward and away from this giant mess, instead of just collapsing into a wretched heap of her own despair and giving up entirely.

The realization hits her that she has found a reason to begin climbing out of the black pit of depression she has been wallowing in; that this situation right here and now is begging to be confronted and resolved and that she needs to put aside her own issues and help Olivia with hers. The older woman has shockingly chosen to confide in Amanda about something that is so terrifying and personal, and she resolves to stop pushing Olivia away and be there for her during this horrible time when Olivia's life is likely spinning out of control even more than her own is.

Seeing William Lewis in that courtroom had brought back all of the grim memories of Olivia's abduction, Amanda's skin crawling when she had been face to face with him on the stand, and unable to stop thinking about what he'd done to Olivia. The disgusting and untrue things she'd had to listen to as Lewis had spewed lies about the older woman in an effort to humiliate and re-traumatize her, that monster seeming to take great pleasure in playing the victim in these circumstances, had filled Amanda with an immense amount of rage and the need to provide comfort to the broken figure now sitting in front of her.

She can see Olivia's shoulders shaking with barely suppressed emotion and hears a soft whimper emit from the brunette's lips as she eases herself down onto the step directly behind Olivia, her knees brushing against thick strands of dark hair. Amanda reaches out a hand and lays it on Olivia's shoulder, quietly announcing her presence in case her co-worker has been unaware of her slow journey down the stairs, relieved when Olivia doesn't pull away and feeling the minute shaking of the taller woman's body beneath her palm.

"I'm so sorry, Liv," she says honestly, massaging her fingertips with tender precision into coiled muscles that are rippling with stress and strain. "I'm sorry you're going through all of this and I apologize for saying what I did when you suggested therapy. I know you were just trying to help and I was awful to you in return. You didn't deserve that."

"I know you've been going through a hard time lately too, Amanda," Olivia replies quietly, the older woman relaxing ever so slightly into her gentle touch. "Sometimes certain things get said in the heat of the moment when you didn't mean to say them."

"It's still no excuse," Amanda mutters in regret, sweeping a silky lock of hair away from Olivia's neck and deepening her touch, her heart swelling with emotion at being able to connect with her colleague in a more intimate way and glad that Olivia is trusting her to be so emotionally and physically close at the moment. "I treated you badly when you only deserve kindness. I hope you can forgive me, Liv."

She doesn't receive a verbal response from the woman huddled on the stairs in front of her, Olivia's back still turned and her shoulders trembling more intensely now, but Amanda is taken by surprise when she feels a smooth hand sliding over her own and Olivia's fingers squeezing softly in return. They sit there unmoving and quiet on the stairs for a few minutes, hands tightly linked and the beautiful brown hair of her colleague spilling over Amanda's knees, until she hears a shuddering intake of breath and a stifled sob and finally eases herself down onto the last remaining step so they are now perched side by side.

Olivia is crying again, her face pinched with anguish and tears falling in a cascade of salty liquid over her cheeks, Amanda slipping an arm around her shoulders and pulling the quivering figure as close to her body as she can. She can feel the warm tears of the brunette wetting her skin as Olivia pushes her face into her neck, Amanda tightening her hold on the other woman and rocking her back and forth in an attempt to soothe.

"It's okay, honey, I've got you," she whispers into Olivia's ear, rubbing her palms in slow circles around her co-worker's back and tracing small designs with her fingers. "Just let it out, let it all out. You're safe with me."

"We need to get back out there," Olivia protests weakly, although Amanda takes note that the older woman doesn't pull away but seems to snuggle into her embrace even more. "Everyone is going to start wondering where we are and they'll come looking for us."

"Don't worry about that right now," Amanda assures her softly, overcome with a fierce wave of protectiveness toward the vulnerable figure cuddled up in her arms. "You take all the time you need and let me deal with everyone else. If they find us, I'll just send them away until you're ready to rejoin them."

"I don't want to upset Brian even more than he already is," Olivia mumbles in what sounds like overwhelmed exhaustion, Amanda wondering if the brunette has slept through the night even once since her abduction. "He's been so good to me, but he just doesn't..."

"Understand?" Amanda supplies gently when Olivia trails off, not mentioning that she knows all too well what it's like to deal with nightmares and flashbacks that consume all hours of the day and night, never allowing for adequate rest and always feeling the need to hide these issues from the people around her.

"Yeah," Olivia confirms glumly, Amanda reaching down to give her hand a tender squeeze. "He tries so hard and it's not that I don't appreciate it, but sometimes I just need a break from pretending everything is okay all the time. I don't like falling apart, especially in front of someone I work with, but sometimes it's impossible to keep holding it in."

"And you shouldn't have to," Amanda replies firmly, internally acknowledging that she should take her own advice and open up about her problems from time to time; that maybe everything wouldn't seem quite so hopeless if she just talked to someone and didn't keep it all bottled up inside, never truly allowing herself to just melt into another person's embrace and cry.

That urge is there now as she holds onto Olivia so tightly and continues the soothing motions of rocking the other woman from side to side as they chat, hovering just below the surface of her calm demeanor and ready to burst forth in a torrent of tears and confessions, suddenly desperate for Olivia to provide her with the same sort of comfort. Amanda knows that now is not the time, though; that she needs to be strong for her colleague in this moment and do everything she can to help Olivia through this agony and that there will be plenty of time in the future for further discussion, if that's what she chooses to do.

"It's okay to fall apart in front of me, Liv," she tells her quietly, watching as Olivia pulls back slightly so they are finally looking at one another in the eye. "I understand more than you might think I do. And this stays between us, I promise."

Olivia is silent for a moment as they stare intently at each other, concern and curiosity shining in those deep chocolate orbs as the older woman's lips part and she appears to be on the verge of saying something before seeming to think better of it and closing her mouth. Amanda gives her a small smile and swipes a strand of hair out of Olivia's face with a gentle touch, tucking the satiny lock behind her ear and wishing they didn't have to rejoin their squad so soon.

"Thanks for being here with me," Olivia whispers as one last tear trickles down her cheek and Amanda pulls the brunette into her embrace once again.

"I'll always be here, Liv," she answers vehemently, determined to not only see Olivia through the rest of her recovery process but to somehow begin putting the broken pieces of her own life back together. "From now on, I'll be here every single step of the way."


	28. Dancing in the Dark

**I've been writing a lot of angst lately, so I wanted to do something fluffy instead. This chapter takes place in the present time, between seasons 19 and 20.**

 **I'm about a third of the way through the final chapter of "Baring It All" so hopefully I can get it posted soon. I've been having trouble transitioning from one scene to the next but I think I finally have it figured out!  
**

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 **Title : Dancing in the Dark **

**Genre : Friendship/romance **

**Rating : T**

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Olivia Benson cracks one sleepy eyelid open, blinking in confusion for a moment as she takes in her surroundings before relaxing with a sigh when she is greeted with the blurry image of a living room that is almost as familiar to her as her own. She is curled up on the couch in the home of Amanda Rollins, the younger woman's apartment dim and silent in the early hours of Saturday morning, spotting Frannie snoozing on the floor a few feet away when she lifts her head from the pillow and watching as the dog's furry legs twitch while she dreams.

This has become a habit for the two of them over the past year; spending Friday nights together with their kids after a long week at the precinct, enjoying pizza and movies and walks in the park before eventually deciding that it's too late to go their separate ways and ending the playdate with their usual sleepover. Olivia has awoken on Amanda's couch more times than she can count now, occasionally finding the blonde detective snuggled up with her on the cushions, or the pair of them falling asleep in Amanda's bed together and awakening the next morning cuddled up with each other on the rumpled sheets, feigning surprise that another one of their playdates had ended in a slumber party.

This morning she is alone on the couch, however; the door to Amanda's bedroom standing slightly ajar and Jesse's door shut tight, both kids having collapsed into the toddler's bed and dozing off instantly after an evening filled with silliness and laughter. Olivia is still wearing the same outfit that she had changed into when work was finished the day before; a short-sleeved white T-shirt and black yoga pants that are wrinkled and stretched after a night spent on the couch, and she chastises herself for not bringing proper pajamas when their playdates end this way more often than not.

She decides to get up and put some coffee on for herself and Amanda, wondering when the younger woman will drag herself out of bed, and stretching her weary limbs when she stumbles to her feet. Frannie doesn't move a muscle as she creeps by on her way to the bathroom to relieve her bladder first, the canine letting out a loud snore and Olivia chuckling quietly in response as she sidesteps a hairy paw.

A soft sound catches her attention as she passes Amanda's bedroom, pausing when she notices movement through the small crack between the door and the wall, and opening her mouth to say good morning to her friend. The words fade on Olivia's tongue and her eyebrows raise in shock when she gets a proper look at the other woman, a blush blooming on her cheeks as she watches the lithe figure of her detective shimmying around the darkened space in nothing but a pair of striped underwear and a matching tank top, singing along to the lyrics of Taylor Swift's "Shake It Off" in a low, melodic voice.

She stops dead in her tracks, unable to tear her gaze away from Amanda while she dances, mesmerized by the blonde's moves which appear both goofy and sensual at the same time. Olivia feels a rush of heat pooling at the juncture of her thighs and tries to ignore the disconcerting sensation; a reaction that has been happening quite often lately as her life becomes more intertwined with Amanda's and they continually toe the line between friendship and something more.

The gradual shift in their relationship is not a topic that is ever spoken of, slowly evolving over the passage of time without either of them acknowledging it aloud, but Olivia can admit that friendship is the last thing on her mind right now as her eyes zero in on the swaying of Amanda's slim hips. The younger woman seems to have completely lost herself in the music as she whirls around the room and sings quietly to the jovial tune, and Olivia begins to feel something more than just lust as she watches Amanda in this private moment, getting a rare glimpse of the softer side of the tough detective.

She is so entranced by the blonde that it takes her a moment to realize that Amanda has stopped moving and is now standing stock-still in the middle of the bedroom, Olivia's gaze lifting to meet Amanda's smouldering blue eyes. The other woman looks more amused than embarrassed at being caught engaging in an activity so out of character for her, although something darker simmers in those cobalt orbs; an awareness of sorts, like she knows exactly what her lieutenant is thinking.

"Sorry," Olivia mutters under her breath, the blush on her cheeks growing more profuse as she starts backing further into the hallway.

"You don't have to leave, Liv." The corners of Amanda's lips are quirked into a tiny smile as she opens the door wider and motions for Olivia to come inside the room.

"I didn't know you were a fan of Taylor Swift," Olivia murmurs after a brief pause, trying to think of anything to say in an effort to assuage the sudden awkwardness that has enveloped her.

"There's a lot you don't know about me," Amanda replies with a shrug, a full-fledged grin on her face now, and Olivia feels a tendril of relief that her friend doesn't seem angry with her intrusion.

"Oh, really? Care to share?" Her curiosity is piqued as she leans against the door frame and crosses one ankle over the other in a more relaxed manner, making sure to keep her gaze fixed firmly on Amanda's face and not letting it stray down to the matching tank top and panties set that aren't leaving much to the imagination.

"Only if you actually come in here and stop hovering in the doorway like you're about to turn around and make a run for it," Amanda chuckles as she swipes an errant strand of blonde hair out of her face, the rest of her golden tresses piled on top of her head in a messy bun. "I don't bite, Liv."

"I just don't want to invade your privacy," Olivia protests softly, holding her hands up in the air before taking a tentative step inside. "Well, any more than I already have."

"You're not invading my privacy," Amanda says with a loud sigh and a roll of her eyes, Olivia feeling slender fingers closing around her wrist and tugging her fully into the bedroom before the door is closed behind them. "I was just about to get dressed and go out to the kitchen to cook a big breakfast. I wanted to make sure you and Noah have a good meal before you leave."

"That's very sweet of you," Olivia answers as a smile graces her own lips now. "I was actually just about to get the coffee started for us when I got distracted."

"Distracted by what?" Amanda asks with feigned innocence, and it's Olivia's turn to roll her eyes as she gestures down at what the other woman is wearing without actually looking.

"Do you find me distracting, Liv?" Amanda continues in a coy voice as she gives a little shake of her hips and sidles closer.

"Yes. Very," Olivia admits in an unintentionally husky tone, a slight shiver running through her as the younger woman's body brushes against her own, Amanda standing so close that she can feel the warmth radiating from the small detective.

"Would it make you feel more comfortable if I put some clothes on?" Two of Amanda's fingers begin walking playfully up her forearm, the gesture inducing another shiver, and Olivia sees the smirk pulling at the blonde's mouth.

"I-" Olivia finds herself at a loss for words as she stares down at the other woman, those big blue eyes gazing steadily up at her. "I don't know."

"You don't know?" Amanda pulls her hand away and puts a finger to her chin, an exaggerated frown marring her delicate features as if she is thinking very hard. "Well, would you prefer if I just took them off, then?"

Olivia lets out a ragged cough, sweat beading on her forehead as she contemplates what she should say in response, and decides that they need to stop dancing around whatever is happening between them and just confront it head-on. "If that's what you want to do, you won't hear any complaints from me," she replies honestly, the blush on her cheeks burning so hot now that she is convinced her face is about to burst into flames.

Amanda looks dumbfounded for several seconds, the teasing grin falling away to be replaced by the slight dropping of her jaw, as if the younger woman had not been expecting this reply, and Olivia fights down the sudden urge to giggle. She reaches out to take Amanda's hand into her own and give it a tender squeeze, and for a moment they simply stand there and hold hands, staring into each other's eyes without speaking.

Olivia's heart starts up a quick rhythm inside her chest when Amanda squeezes back and then steps away from her, a somewhat mischievous, lustful glint in those blue eyes now, and Olivia swallows hard, praying the kids decide that this would be an excellent morning to sleep in. Her gaze is riveted on the beautiful detective as Amanda grasps onto the bottom of her tank top and begins inching the material slowly up her toned stomach, Olivia's heart racing faster with each inch of smooth, creamy skin that is revealed.

She is pretty sure that her heart stops beating altogether when Amanda raises the shirt over pert, pale breasts, no bra in sight and pink nipples hardening when they come into contact with the cool air in the bedroom, a low noise emanating from Olivia's throat that is somewhere between a gasp and a moan. She watches as Amanda yanks the top over her head and tosses it carelessly to the floor, blonde hair sticking out from the bun and standing up in a halo of static as the smaller woman plants her hands on her hips and cocks a leg like she is posing for Olivia, one eyebrow arched as if in challenge.

"Do you want me to keep going or do you think it would be better if I just got dressed and went out to the kitchen to make us some breakfast?" There is a teasing quality to Amanda's voice, although blatant desire is residing just beneath the mirth, and Olivia once again finds herself at a loss for words.

She is completely stunned that the familiar routine of waking up together on Saturday morning, either at Amanda's apartment or her own, has taken a decidedly unfamiliar turn with the detective performing a spontaneous striptease and Olivia's eyes glued to the action like she can't look away. When an answer isn't immediately forthcoming and both of Amanda's eyebrows are raised high on her forehead now, a raspy breath escapes from Olivia's mouth when one of the younger woman's hands drifts to the waistband of her panties.

Those slender fingers that were just walking playfully up Olivia's arm are now doing the same thing to the tiny scrap of underwear, the digits sliding suggestively back and forth along the material before dipping slightly inside. This time the sound that emits from Olivia's parted lips is a definite groan of desire, Amanda's name whispered in a way that she has never heard herself speak it, and a return moan from the other woman has the moisture at the juncture of her thighs becoming more pronounced.

"I'm not hungry," Olivia finally manages to choke out, remembering that Amanda had offered to get breakfast started. "Well, not for food, anyway."

A sputtering laugh of surprise sounds in response to her statement, Amanda's eyes dark with arousal as they continue to stare intensely at each other, and the detective hooking her thumbs beneath the waistband of her panties. "Hungry for something else, Liv?" she murmurs almost inaudibly as Olivia watches the descent of Amanda's underwear down her legs with rapt attention, her heart beating so furiously that she almost expects the organ to burst right from her chest.

When the panties have dropped to the floor and are kicked hastily to the side to join the discarded tank top, Olivia sluggishly comes to her senses as she stands there gazing at the naked form of her friend, her eyes roaming appreciatively up and down Amanda's gorgeous figure as the younger woman watches closely for her reaction. "What the hell are we doing?" she mumbles shakily as she wipes a trembling hand over her sweaty forehead.

"Well, this definitely isn't our typical Saturday morning," Amanda acknowledges with a chuckle as she steps closer again, her breasts grazing Olivia's T-shirt when they are standing toe to toe. "But I think we're finally doing what we should have done a long time ago...taking things to the next level."

"I think we might have skipped a couple of levels here," Olivia blurts out bluntly, and this time an uproarious laugh expels from Amanda's mouth, Olivia instantly panicking and doing the only thing she can think of to quiet Amanda down and keep the kids from waking up.

She slides her arms around the bare skin of the blonde detective's waist, the smooth expanse pebbled with goosebumps, and swiftly presses her lips to Amanda's, silencing the laughter as the other woman eagerly returns the kiss. Their lips caress gently together for a few minutes before picking up the pace and becoming more intense, the passion that has been building up inside of Olivia for the past several months finally spilling out as she grips slender hips tightly and grinds her pelvis into Amanda's.

"Ohhh, _fuck_ , Liv," the younger woman gasps into her mouth, Olivia feeling nimble fingers sneaking beneath her shirt and trailing patterns along the heated skin of her back.

They have somehow stumbled over to the bed and are leaning precariously against the mattress in a tangle of limbs and breathless kisses, Olivia quickly righting their entwined forms before they fall onto the rumpled sheets and the situation has a chance to progress any further. She holds Amanda to her chest for a moment as they both struggle to catch their breath, smoothing a hand over wild blonde hair as the detective leans into her body and rests her head on her shoulder.

"We should stop," Olivia whispers raggedly as she places a kiss on Amanda's temple and feels the other woman's grip on her ribs tighten. "The kids are going to wake up soon and I don't want our first time together to be so rushed."

"You've thought about our first time?" Amanda murmurs as she leans her head back with a smile and Olivia catches her lips in another quick kiss.

"Yes, I have," she replies truthfully, stroking her thumbs over her friend's cheekbone as she gazes fervently down at her. "Many times, actually."

"Hmm, so have I," Amanda answers softly as the smile on her face widens and her blue eyes light up with mischief once again. "And to think this whole situation got started just because I was playing a Taylor Swift song. Which song of hers do you think I should play to get you in the mood for next time, Liv?"

"I wouldn't know, I don't listen to her music," Olivia says evenly, her lips quirking at Amanda's disbelieving look and another roll of those big blue eyes, like she knows her boss is lying and actually enjoys the young artist's ballads. "It was your singing and dancing that caught my attention." She lowers her voice, an unexpected swell of emotion overtaking her for a moment. "And that glimpse into a side of you that I don't get to see very much, even though we spend so much time together. You looked so peaceful...so free."

She neglects to mention the demons that haunt them both and the hell they have been through over the years in their personal and professional lives, and to see the younger woman so carefree and comfortable in her own skin has brought more than just a feeling of desire to Olivia's soul; it has brought pure joy.

"Well, maybe it's a side of me that I'll let you see more often, Liv." Amanda's tone is subdued and thoughtful, and that teasing glint in her eyes has been replaced with something else; something that Olivia dares not put a name to just yet but a feeling that she shares wholeheartedly and hopes to speak aloud one day in the near future.

"I'd like that," she replies reverently, the sun's golden rays beginning to peek into the bedroom and banishing the remaining darkness as they sway to the music together.


	29. An Unexpected Breakdown

**This chapter starts off during the final scene of the season 13 episode "Double Strands" and continues from there.**

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 **Title : An Unexpected Breakdown **

**Genre : Hurt/comfort/friendship **

**Rating : T**

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Olivia fights back a yawn of exhaustion as she stands outside the window of the interrogation room with her partner Nick and their former rape suspect Gabriel Thomas, the man gazing with shock at Brian Smith, the twin brother he didn't know existed. It is the middle of the night and they have been there for hours as Amanda has coaxed their real rapist through the horrific story of his life and his confessions of sexually violating several blonde women who bare a striking resemblance to her.

This is one of the most bizarre cases that Olivia has ever been involved in throughout the course of her long career with The Special Victims Unit, a rare instance of mistaken identity, and the relief at finally having it solved is mixing in with her desperate need for a shower, food and sleep. She is very anxious to get home and is glad that they are wrapping things up and should be able to leave the precinct soon, throwing a glance around the hallway and wondering where Amanda has gone.

Her initial frustration and annoyance with her new co-worker's overeager attitude concerning their current case had given way to admiration as she has witnessed Amanda's diligence and her willingness to put herself in harm's way to catch the rapist before he could hurt anyone else. She has to admit that she is quite impressed with the blonde detective; that Amanda is excellent at what she does and is a great addition to the team, despite being so young and brand new to their division in New York.

Olivia turns away to smother the yawn that is determined to come out, covering her mouth with her hand and not wanting to appear unprofessional with her fatigue, when a middle-aged woman comes striding into the hallway with a quick gait, high heels clicking loudly across the floor. The faint smell of smoke accompanies her arrival, Olivia wrinkling her nose slightly and raising her eyebrows when the woman locks gazes with her and raises an arm, a tentative smile pulling at her lips.

"Hi there, sorry to bother you, but I just wanted to let you know that there's a small blonde lady on the roof who looks like she's having a hard time," she says in concern, gesturing up to the ceiling with one hand and clutching onto her purse with the other. "I forget her name, but I think she's new here. I was out there having a cigarette and she came through the door and just started hyperventilating like crazy. I asked if she needed some help and she practically snarled at me to leave her alone."

The woman shakes her head and gives a nervous chuckle, shifting from one foot to the other as she continues speaking. "She's a tiny thing but a little bit scary. Got an attitude on her, that's for sure, and seemed offended that I was worried about her panic attack or whatever it was. I thought it would be best to let someone else know, since she definitely didn't want any help from me."

"Okay, thank you," Olivia replies with confusion and alarm, looking toward Nick with a frown, her partner wearing a similar expression of unease on his face. "We'll go check on her."

The woman flashes another timid smile and then turns away from them like she is relieved not to be involved anymore, the clip-clop of her shoes sounding down the hallway as she walks back into the squad room.

"I'll go up there and see what's going on," Olivia informs Nick, the thought crossing her mind that Amanda is having some trouble coping after listening to their rapist explain his horrendous crimes in great detail and nearly becoming one of his victims herself, thinking Amanda might prefer talking to her over Nick or any of the other guys.

"Yeah, no problem," Nick answers with a tilt of his head toward the ceiling, his dark eyes radiating with worry. "We've got things covered here. I hope she's okay."

"I'm sure she's alright," Olivia responds confidently, hesitant to speak about any issue Amanda might be having while the younger woman isn't even there with them, and not yet familiar enough with her colleague to know what may upset or trigger her during her a case.

She is greeted with an inky black sky upon stepping out onto the roof, the moon and stars glowing in the darkness, and a light breeze ruffling her long brown hair. It is quite a bit chillier than it was the last time Olivia had been outside and she shivers slightly, rubbing her hands up and down her arms, and spotting a small figure hovering in the corner.

"Oh, for god's sake, I'm fine," Amanda grumbles before Olivia has a chance to say anything, the younger woman emerging from the shadows with a cigarette held between trembling fingers. "I told that ridiculous woman not to say anything to anyone. She's just being dramatic."

"Well, no offense, Rollins, but you don't look fine to me," Olivia points out gently, noticing the way Amanda's arm shakes when she raises the cigarette to her lips. "What are you doing out here?"

"I came up here to get some fresh air," Amanda mumbles with a shrug, after blowing a thin plume of smoke from her mouth.

"That doesn't look very fresh," Olivia says dryly, gesturing to the grey mist that is floating around Amanda's blonde head.

"That woman forgot her cigarettes and lighter when she was so eager to race back inside and tell everyone my business," the younger detective mutters with another shrug, taking a deep drag and avoiding Olivia's steady gaze. "I decided not to let them go to waste."

"We're wrapping things up downstairs and are just about to leave for the night," Olivia adds softly, arching an eyebrow in question. "You couldn't have waited a few more minutes to go outside?"

Amanda is silent for so long that Olivia doesn't think she is going to receive a response, when the other woman gives a slight shake of her head and then lowers her chin down toward her chest.

"Why couldn't you wait?" Olivia asks quietly, stepping closer to her co-worker and laying a hand on her shoulder.

"I just had to get out of there," Amanda murmurs in what sounds like shame, long hair hanging around her face as the cigarette dangles from her fingertips. "All of Brian Smith's confessions were jumbled up in my mind and I kept thinking back to when he tackled me in the park and held a knife to my throat while he tried to rape me. I couldn't breathe. It felt like the walls were closing in on me."

"So you were having a panic attack?" Olivia confirms in a compassionate voice, no judgment whatsoever in her tone as she gives Amanda's shoulder a comforting squeeze.

 _"No,"_ Amanda shoots back right away, like she is stricken by the possibility of Olivia thinking she is weak or incapable in any way; that she is anything less than the perfect detective. "I don't have panic attacks. It was just a momentary lapse, okay? I'm fine, Olivia. It's been a long night and I probably just need to get some rest."

Olivia doesn't speak for several seconds, watching as Amanda finishes her cigarette and then flicks it to the ground, grinding it beneath the toe of her shoe with more force than is necessary. "You know you don't have to prove anything to me, right?" she finally says gently, reaching up to brush Amanda's hair back from her face and ducking her head slightly so they are standing eye to eye. "It's okay to admit that you had a panic attack and needed some time to pull yourself together. It happens to the best of us."

"Are you kidding me, Olivia?" Amanda replies with an incredulous snort, waving a hand in the air. "Of _course_ I have to prove myself. I'm the new kid on the block, the youngest member of the squad. People always underestimate me because of the way I look and how old I am. They think I'm not tough enough, that I can't hack it."

"Oh, trust me, you're plenty tough," Olivia assures her with a soft smile, stroking her thumb across the material of the other woman's shirt. "And everyone knows that. Just keep doing what you're doing and don't worry about proving yourself to us. You're doing a great job, Amanda. You were brilliant in that interrogation room and you should be proud of yourself. And we never would have caught him if you hadn't used yourself as bait. It was a very brave thing to do."

"I'm not brave," Amanda replies flatly, shrugging out from under Olivia's touch and taking a step away from her. "Trust me on that."

"Why would you say that?" Olivia asks with a frown, cocking her head to the side when she hears the blonde detective's breathing begin to pick up the pace. "And I disagree. I think what you did was extremely brave."

"I'm _not_ ," Amanda insists in an aggravated tone, her voice sounding slightly choked up now. "I'm not brave at all. You don't even know me, Olivia. You don't know anything about my past or what kind of a person I am."

"So tell me," Olivia prods gently, sensing that there is a lot more going on beneath the surface of this conversation than she is aware of, watching the intense emotion playing out across Amanda's delicate features before she blinks rapidly and her face smooths out into an unreadable mask. "I know we're pretty much still strangers to one another, since we've only been working together for a few weeks. But maybe it's time to change that and start getting to know each other a little better."

Olivia has to admit that she hasn't been very welcoming to either Amanda or Nick, Elliot's departure and continued absence still weighing heavily on her heart as she walks around in a fog of grief most days, but her concern for Amanda is taking precedence over anything else right now, and Olivia wants the younger woman to feel comfortable opening up to her.

"I didn't know that was going to happen," Amanda whispers in a voice that is practically inaudible, her shoulders hunching like she is cold or trying to hide from Olivia's penetrating gaze. "I didn't think I was going to lose it like that so suddenly; that I was actually going to have to sprint up to the roof to avoid having a breakdown in front of everyone. I thought all of that was behind me."

"All of what?" Olivia replies softly, her curiosity piqued and the concern she has for her colleague only heightening.

Amanda just stares at her for a moment without responding, big blue eyes shimmering with tears in the moonlight and a tiny drop balancing precariously on her lower lashes, Olivia surprised to see such an overt display of emotion from the normally closed-off woman. "The fear and anxiety and flashbacks; that need to run when things get overwhelming so people don't see me fall apart."

"I thought you didn't have panic attacks," Olivia reminds her lightly, a patient smile gracing her lips as she tries to convey her lack of irritation at Amanda's dishonesty and feeling a tendril of unease at the mention of flashbacks.

"I should have said that I don't have them _anymore_ ," Amanda corrects hastily as she wrings her hands together, Olivia unable to stop herself from reaching out to lay a palm over the pair of hands that are smaller and paler than her own. "I haven't had one since I left Atlanta." Amanda pauses and gives a sheepish shrug, an embarrassed expression on her face. "Well, until tonight."

"I understand that, you know," Olivia answers in a low tone, rubbing her fingers in soothing circles across the back of Amanda's hands in an effort to get her to relax. "That need to escape so other people don't see you at anything less than your best; that need to hide everything so deep down inside in the hopes that you'll forget it's even there and can just get on with your life. But things always have a way of coming back up to surface, and sometimes it happens when we least expect it."

"I just thought I was stronger than this," Amanda mutters sadly as she tears her hands from Olivia's grip and walks over to the edge of the roof on unsteady legs, Olivia watching as she leans against the short brick wall and looks at the lights of the city.

She observes the younger woman in contemplative silence for a moment before walking over to join her at the ledge, careful to keep her hands to herself this time as Amanda doesn't seem to want to be touched right now. Olivia turns her gaze toward the striking views of New York instead of continuing to stare at her co-worker in concern, wondering what had happened in Amanda's past to trigger all of this upheaval but deciding it would be better not to keep prodding and let Amanda bring it up herself, if that's what she chooses to do.

Her worry for the smaller woman has made the exhaustion disappear, Olivia suddenly feeling much more awake and alert as the fresh, cool air caresses against her face and ruffles her hair away from her neck. Surprise ripples through her when she feels Amanda step closer to her taller frame, their arms brushing against each other and golden hair rising up on the breeze to blow softly across Olivia's cheekbone before she reaches up to gently brush it off.

They stand there side by side, elbow to elbow and hip to hip as the silence starts to feel less awkward and more comfortable, just the two of them out there on the roof together, enjoying the scenery and the lovely night. There is a certain fragility to Amanda that Olivia hasn't yet seen from her fellow detective; a vulnerability that makes her want to pull the blonde woman into her arms to hold and soothe her, but again, she refrains from making any kind of gesture that will have Amanda pulling away once more.

"You _are_ strong," she finally speaks up in a quiet tone, nudging Amanda carefully with her shoulder before stepping slightly back and ceasing all movement. "And you're right; I don't know that much about you or what you've been through in your past, but I can tell you that whatever happened doesn't make you weak or any less strong than you were before. It doesn't change the fact that you're a great detective and a valuable addition to our team. We're lucky to have you, Amanda."

The other woman glances over at her, a hopeful smile tugging at one corner of her mouth as she brushes her fingers tentatively against Olivia's forearm. "I thought you didn't like me," she chuckles softly, Olivia's heart sinking at the words and a wave of guilt and regret washing over her. "I thought you didn't want me here."

"I _do_ like you, Amanda," Olivia assures her firmly, a hint of the grief she has been enveloped in lately coloring her tone. "And I want both you and Nick here; really, I do. I've just been having some trouble adjusting to all of the changes going on around here recently, but I'm sorry for making you feel like you weren't wanted."

"I know you're going through a hard time," Amanda acknowledges in a whisper, a smile of her own crossing Olivia's face when the other woman slides a small hand up her arm to give her shoulder a brief squeeze. "And I'm sure having to deal with a couple of newbies isn't making things any easier for you."

"The last several weeks have been very difficult for me," Olivia admits as she is overtaken by an unexpected swell of emotion, trying to shake off the lingering images of Elliot from her brain and keep herself from obsessing about what he is doing and wondering if she'll ever hear from him again. "But I'm getting through it. To be honest, I'm much more concerned about you right now, Amanda."

"I'm okay," the younger woman states, releasing a trembling breath as her eyelids flutter closed for a few seconds. "I'm a little shaky, but being out here with you is helping. I just don't want to collapse in a puddle of tears and hyperventilate until I pass out, though. It might scare you away."

Amanda's tone is somewhat teasing like she is trying to make light of the situation, but Olivia can detect the fear and anxiety residing underneath, and she makes the decision to loop an arm around her fellow detective's shoulders, feeling more comfortable about trying to soothe Amanda with physical touch now. "You're not going to scare me away," she says firmly, relieved when the small blonde doesn't pull away this time and seems to nestle further into her embrace. "If you want to cry or if you have another panic attack, I'll still be here with you. I'm just glad that I've been able to help a little bit."

She watches as a lone tear slips down Amanda's cheek, the salty liquid illuminated by the light of the moon, and Olivia turns toward her co-worker to wrap the shuddering figure fully into her arms, holding the blonde against her chest as Amanda lays her head on her shoulder. She doesn't know what kind of demons are lurking underneath that usual confident, perky exterior, Amanda's bright smile seemingly hiding an unfathomable amount of pain, but she is determined to be there for the other woman in any way that she needs.

"Come on," Olivia murmurs into Amanda's ear, jostling their joined bodies slightly as she guides her away from the edge of the roof. "Let's get out of here. We can go to my place and order some food and talk for awhile, if that's okay with you. I don't want to leave you alone right now."

"Thanks, Olivia, that sounds great," Amanda replies softly, a new friendship and connection having sprung up between them in the midst of all the anguish, the two women smiling warmly at each other as they head back inside together.


	30. You're Not Alone

**This chapter takes place during the season 14 episode "Poisoned Motive" when the team finds out that Amanda has picked up an infection in the hospital after being shot. Frannie doesn't exist in this storyline.**

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 **Title : You're Not Alone **

**Genre : Hurt/comfort/friendship**

 **Rating : T**

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As Olivia strides briskly down the hospital corridor on the way to Amanda's room, she notices that the medical facility is quieter than the last time she was here, the buzz of activity a little more slower-paced now. The hallways are still bustling with doctors and nurses and visitors who are coming and going from patients' rooms, but the level of insanity is not quite as high at this time in the evening, as those who are sick and injured are beginning to settle down for the night.

It is just past 8pm and Olivia had hurried right over from the precinct as soon as her shift had ended, exhausted from working extended hours since Amanda had been shot, but not even considering going home to rest or get a good night's sleep before stopping by. As she approaches the closed door to Amanda's room and flashes her badge at the police officer standing guard outside, Olivia realizes that she hadn't even thought to inform the younger woman that she was coming and hopes her presence will be welcome.

Ever since Cragen had told the team earlier in the day that Amanda had come down with an infection while recovering from the gunshot wound to her shoulder, Olivia's worry for her colleague had spiked to alarm and she had made the decision to check up on her fellow detective on the way home. The case is a disjointed mess at the moment, the shooter still at large as the squad struggles to put all the pieces of the puzzle together, and Olivia's head is spinning with fatigue and stress as she knocks lightly on the door before carefully easing it open.

"Hey," she says softly, a tentative smile spreading across her face when Amanda's head swivels slowly on the pillow and she is greeted with a pair of dull blue eyes gazing back at her, the other woman looking smaller than usual in the big hospital bed and swallowed up by the oversize gown she is wearing, an IV in one arm and a giant bandage on her shoulder, unwashed blonde hair hanging limply around her neck.

Amanda is still being given regular doses of narcotics for the pain, as well as a very strong course of antibiotics to get the infection under control, and the combination of medicine seems to be taking quite a toll on her. She gives Olivia a cross between a smile and a grimace in return, looking surprised to see her co-worker, although not disconcerted, and Olivia takes this is a cue to shut the door behind her and step over to the bed.

"So Cragen tells me you're going to be stuck here for a few more days," she murmurs sympathetically, her tone apologetic as she sits down on the chair next to Amanda's prone form. "I hope it's alright that I stopped by for a quick visit, but if you'd rather not have any company right now, I understand. I should have asked you first if it was okay to come here."

"You can stay, Liv." Amanda's voice is raspy when she speaks, like her throat is dry, and Olivia hands her the plastic cup of water that is sitting on the bedside table, receiving a nods of thanks in return.

Amanda takes a few sips before she begins coughing and sputtering, and Olivia quickly pulls the cup away from her and sets it aside, helping the younger woman sit up enough so that she can gently pat her on the back. Amanda winces and groans in response to the movement, still choking on the water, and slumps against Olivia for a moment as if she is too tired and in too much pain to stay upright for very long.

"Easy, honey, I've got you," Olivia soothes tenderly, a wave of protective concern washing over her at Amanda's vulnerability and distress, continuing to pat her back until her colleague stops coughing.

She is surprised to a feel small hand sliding around her waist and gripping weakly onto the side of her shirt, looking closely at Amanda's pale, sweaty face as she helps her lean back on the pillows. "Are you doing okay?" Olivia asks worriedly, never having known Amanda to be the clingy type and pretty sure that they haven't even shared so much as a hug since the other woman had joined their squad almost two years prior.

She figures the intense pain and strong medications are contributing to Amanda's need for physical contact right now, and runs a gentle palm over the matted blonde locks of her fellow detective in an effort to provide some comfort. The drugged-up confidence and bravado from earlier, when Amanda had assured them that she could handle everything that was happening, seems to have disappeared and has left a weary shell of the woman in its wake.

"I'm fine," Amanda whispers unconvincingly as that tenacity makes a brief return, Olivia shaking her head and trying to suppress the urge to roll her eyes in response.

"You're not fine," she chastises lightly, scratching her fingernails delicately over Amanda's scalp. "You're absolutely miserable and it's okay, you're allowed to be. You've been through a lot."

"Give me an update on the case," the younger woman begs hoarsely, big blue eyes that are hazy with pain and medication looking up at Olivia imploringly. "Tell me what's going on. How's Fin doing?"

"Fin's doing okay," Olivia replies evenly, not at all eager to have this discussion and risk stressing Amanda out any more than she already is. "We're keeping an eye on him. And we're still working on some leads."

"That's it?" Amanda answers with a trace of a whine in her tone, her bottom lip protruding slightly and Olivia somewhat amused that her co-worker is actually pouting. "That's all you're going to tell me?"

"Yup," she replies casually, determined not to go any deeper into the details of their convoluted case while Amanda is still in the hospital and seems to be moving backward in her recovery instead of going forward. "We're not talking about this right now. The only thing you need to concentrate on is getting better."

"I'd be getting better if I was allowed to work the case," Amanda grumbles in an annoyed tone, withering slightly when Olivia gives her a warning look. "Or if I was at least able to _talk_ about it a tiny bit."

"You just did," she says firmly, pulling her hand away from Amanda's hair and her heart clenching when she sees abject disappointment crossing the wan complexion of the small blonde, taking a seat back in the chair beside her. "And now you're done."

"You're bossy," Amanda mumbles under her breath, Olivia's lip quirking up at the corner when she sees the glare that the other woman is gracing her with.

"And you're grumpy," she shoots back, her smile widening when Amanda's glare deepens along with the pout on her lips. "But again, it's okay. You're allowed to be grouchy while you're recovering."

"Yeah, and that's _all_ I'm allowed to do," Amanda complains as she shifts in the bed and appears unable to find a comfortable position. "Just lay here and be miserable and grumpy."

"Well, you could also try having a positive attitude," Olivia suggests brightly, enjoying getting under Amanda's skin and joking around, trying to distract her from the pain and solitude she is feeling. "That might make you feel a bit better."

"Nope, I'd rather be miserable and grumpy," Amanda states with blunt irritation, but Olivia is gratified to see the hint of a smile pulling at her mouth.

"Suit yourself," she chuckles softly, patting the blankets where Amanda's legs are situated underneath and frowning when she hears the quiet grunt that the other woman lets out when she shifts on the bed again.

"Can't get comfortable, huh?" All of the mirth has leached from Olivia's tone now, leaving only compassion and sympathy as she watches Amanda shake her head and blink away what looks to be tears.

"The meds were helping with the pain when I first got here but now they don't seem to be doing much," the blonde detective explains gloomily, reaching up to swipe an arm across her eyes. "And the antibiotics are making me sick. They kept making me throw up earlier. I haven't been able to keep any food down. Not that it's such a tragedy, though," she adds with a snort of disgust. "The food here is nasty."

"Well, hospitals aren't exactly known for their gourmet cooking," Olivia observes wryly, giving Amanda's leg a caring squeeze. "I'm sorry you're going through all of this, honey. Do you want me to get you some soup from one of the restaurants across the road? Maybe you'll be able to keep that down. Something light and tasty to settle your stomach."

"No thanks, Liv, it's okay." Amanda's voice sounds hushed and strained when she answers, her expression crumpling slightly. "It's nice of you to offer, but even the thought of food makes me want to be sick again."

Olivia stands up from her chair when she hears a quiet sniffle and sees the younger woman turning her head away like is trying not to cry and is ashamed of ruining her tough persona by shedding tears in front of her colleague. She rests her hand on top of Amanda's stringy hair and runs her fingers through the tangled knots, trying to soothe her with the tender touch once more and wishing there was something she could do to take away the extreme discomfort.

"Maybe it would help if you tried to get some sleep," she suggests gently, noticing how Amanda leans into her touch again but still doesn't turn her head to look at her. "That would probably help more than anything else at this point. Your body is exhausted and needs to rest."

"I can't sleep," Amanda mumbles with a sigh, the other woman gazing down at the stark white hospital sheets like she finds the bedding to be of exceptional interest. "The pain medication keeps giving me nightmares and making me relive getting shot...only sometimes it doesn't turn out the same way in my dreams...sometimes I bleed out on the pavement outside of the precinct, or when I get to the hospital the doctors tell me there's nothing more they can do and I'm not going to make it."

"Oh, sweetheart, I'm sorry." Olivia's heart is aching and her voice is quiet as she pulls the quivering form closer to her body, careful not to jostle Amanda too much in her fragile state, and a thought occurring to her. "Would it help if I stayed with you while you slept?"

"You don't have to stay here all night, Liv," Amanda mutters in embarrassment, a red blush infusing her cheeks with color as she glances up at Olivia. "I appreciate the offer but it's not necessary. I'm guessing you're even more exhausted than I am at this point. This case must be running you ragged."

"Don't worry about me," Olivia answers lightly, determined not to let on how truly drained she is right now and just wanting to concentrate on Amanda's well-being. "I can get some proper rest when it's all over. And besides, these hospital chairs are actually pretty comfortable. I'm betting I can get a decent sleep here."

"Those chairs are horrible, Liv," Amanda snickers with an arched eyebrow, gesturing toward the hard plastic with a derisive expression on her face. "I sat on one a little earlier when the nurse helped me back from the bathroom, because I needed a bit of a break from lying in bed. I think I was in even _more_ pain after sitting there for only a couple of minutes."

They share a brief chuckle, Olivia tilting her head curiously to the side when she notices the blush deepening on Amanda's cheeks. "What is it?"

"I was going to ask if you wanted to..." Amanda trails off and shrugs her uninjured shoulder, front teeth biting down hard on her lower lip. "Never mind, just forget it."

"Tell me what you were going to say," Olivia urges softly, continuing with her soothing ministrations through the other woman's hair. "You can ask me whatever you want."

"I was going to ask if you want to share the bed with me so you don't have to sleep on that awful chair," Amanda whispers bashfully, Olivia's eyebrows raising in surprise at this uncharacteristic request from a co-worker that she would never describe as touchy-feely, the younger detective usually shunning most forms of physical contact but seemingly in great need of it now.

She herself is very much the same way and finds it quite a bit easier to physically comfort the victims they deal with on a daily basis, people who are virtual strangers to her until they are brought together by a horrific crime, rather than engaging in more intimate contact with friends and colleagues. Amanda's entire demeanor is pulling at Olivia's heartstrings, though; the small blonde injured and drugged and ill and looking near tears as she blinks in quick succession, and she is very tempted to climb onto the bed to pull the miserable figure into her arms and give her a hug.

"I'm just worried about hurting you if I do that," Olivia explains gently, squeezing the back of Amanda's neck in a comforting gesture as the younger woman's head bows down toward her chest like she is upset and trying not to show it. "I wouldn't want to cause you any more pain."

"It's probably for the best anyway," Amanda mutters with a downcast expression, her tone neutral and not betraying any emotion. "I wouldn't want to gross you out by having to be in such close quarters with me. I'm a mess and I desperately need a shower, but I don't feel well enough to stay on my feet for that long."

"Do you want me to help you get cleaned up?" Olivia suggests quietly, trying to ease Amanda's dismay with the situation. "Maybe we can wash your face and brush your hair."

"You must think I'm pretty pathetic," Amanda sniffs in response instead of answering the question. "Your smelly, useless colleague asking you to sleep in the same bed because she's scared of having bad dreams like a child."

"Honey, you're being a bit silly now." Olivia gives a soft laugh of exasperation and rolls her eyes. "Of course I don't think you're pathetic. You've been badly hurt and you're scared, which is perfectly understandable, and you don't smell bad at all. But if you're worried about it, let me help you out. It should only take us a few minutes and then you can try to get some rest."

When Amanda simply nods in agreement without giving a verbal reply, they start getting her as cleaned up as possible from the confines of the hospital bed, working as a team to wash her face, arms and legs, and brushing her hair and teeth, Olivia going back and forth from the bathroom to get whatever they need. A full shower will have to wait until Amanda is strong enough to be on her feet for a lengthier amount of time and her bandage and IV are able to be removed, but for now, at least, the effort they're making is good enough.

"Do you have anyone to stay with you when you're released from here?" Olivia asks gently when they're done with the cleaning process and Amanda looks even more worn out that she already had, the younger woman's breathing slightly labored and her eyelids drooping closed from time to time. "Anyone who can help you out with things at home until you're able to be more independent and your regular routine gets easier for you?"

Amanda shakes her head in despair, apparently too exhausted to speak, and Olivia is not satisfied with this response, although she is unsurprised by it. "Well, I would be happy to help you out, if you don't mind me staying at your place for a few days."

"You don't have to do that, Liv," Amanda protests weakly, the other woman looking as if she can barely keep her eyes open while they converse. "You're already doing enough for me. I can manage on my own. I'm used to being alone, anyway."

"You're not alone, honey," Olivia assures the small blonde firmly, her chest aching at the pain that flashes over Amanda's delicate features, unsure if it's emotional or physical distress, or a mixture of both. "I'm here for you, and so is our entire squad. We've got your back and we're not going to let you go through this by yourself."

"Thanks, Liv." Amanda's voice is thready and frail, tears swimming in those big blue eyes when she is able to keep them open for more than a few seconds, and Olivia swiftly changes her mind about sharing the bed, wanting to provide as much comfort to her colleague as possible in her time of need, palpable relief spreading across Amanda's face when she asks if the offer still stands.

When Amanda gives her permission to slide carefully onto the bed, the younger woman slowly shifting over to make enough space, Olivia climbs onto the thin mattress and gets settled beneath the covers, Amanda's head automatically coming to rest on her shoulder as they lay there side by side.

It only takes a moment before her fellow detective is snoring lightly into her ear, Olivia grasping onto Amanda's hand and linking their fingers together as her own heavy eyelids gradually drift closed and she feels content for the first time since Amanda had been injured.


	31. A Surprising Turn of Events

**This chapter takes place in the present day but Noah, Jesse and Frannie don't exist.**

 **There is some sexual content in this chapter but I wasn't sure if it qualified for an M rating, so I rated it T.**

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 **Title : A Surprising Turn of Events **

**Genre : Friendship/romance**

 **Rating : T**

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The bright, continuous flickering on the other side of her eyelids is the first thing that catches Olivia's attention when she begins rising to consciousness, blearily wondering what time it is and how long she has been asleep. The second piece of information that pierces through the thick fog of slumber in her brain is the unexpected feeling of a warm weight resting in her lap, Olivia cracking one heavy eyelid open and her blurry vision struggling to focus on the television screen in her living room.

Her gaze swings away from the muted TV and drifts down to the wild mess of blonde hair that is spilling across her jean-clad thighs, bewilderment rippling through her mind when she sees Amanda sprawled across the couch beside her own slumped form. The younger woman's body is scrunched up into the remaining space on the sofa, Olivia hunched in the middle of the piece of furniture with one arm flung across the top of the cushions and the other draped over Amanda's prone figure, feeling the rise and fall of the smaller body as she sleeps.

She remembers the two of them sitting at opposite ends of the couch when the movie had started, and wonders how they have ended up migrating so closely together that Amanda's head is now laying right in her lap. The rest of their squad had been in her home for a boisterous evening of food and drinks, a team gathering that Olivia had put together so they could let loose after a busy and stressful week, and she had agreed to Amanda's suggestion of a movie when the guys had left earlier, not ready to call it a night just yet.

It is now pitch black outside and the clock on the wall is informing her that it's close to midnight, the apartment quiet and dim and cozy as she snuggles with her detective on the cushions. Olivia finds herself not wanting to move from her current position on the couch, even though she knows that she should be waking Amanda up so the other woman can head home and she can go to bed, running a cautious hand over the waterfall of golden hair that is cascading across the top of her legs.

For several minutes she simply perches there in silence with Amanda snoring softly in her lap, enjoying the physical closeness of another human being and one who is very dear to her; something Olivia hasn't felt for a long time. She is aware that the intimate entanglement of their bodies would most likely be considered inappropriate by anyone who happened to see them entwined like this, as she is Amanda's superior and the younger woman is her subordinate, but since no one else is around and they are alone, Olivia cherishes this rare opportunity to be so near to Amanda.

She feels the smaller form shifting beside her and Amanda's cheek rubbing against her thigh as she awakens, her heart rate picking up the pace as the blonde head turns in her lap and she sees big blue eyes blinking up at her in confusion. For a few seconds they stare intently at each other without speaking, and it occurs to Olivia that Amanda might be uncomfortable waking up in such an unfamiliar position with her boss, watching as a dawning blush of embarrassment spreads across those pale cheeks and feeling the sudden stiffening of the body below her.

"Sorry, Liv, I'll move," Amanda squeaks out in a gravelly voice that is still infused with sleep, Olivia reaching out to put a stop to the clumsy actions of the other woman as she shifts in an effort to vacate the couch and almost tumbles onto the floor.

"You don't have to," Olivia says softly, noticing the look of surprise that flits across Amanda's delicate features and feeling her tense limbs begin to relax somewhat, Amanda slowing in her movements to get away. "I think we were both exhausted and fell asleep not too long after the movie started."

"And I somehow ended up crawling into your lap?" Amanda replies wryly, Olivia giving a quiet chuckle as she runs a hand over the rumpled golden tresses again, the younger woman practically melting back into her embrace now.

"Well, I don't think you did it on purpose," she answers with a slight smile, the tangles of hair slipping through her fingers like silk as she continues her gentle ministrations. "And I don't mind."

"You don't?" Amanda's brow is puckered in that look of perplexity once more, as if she is trying to figure out precisely what is going on between them. "How come you're not angry? Why don't you want me to move?"

"It's just nice," Olivia responds with a shrug as bright spots of color infuse her own cheeks and her hand comes to a halt on Amanda's head. "Why would I be angry about it?"

"Well, you're not exactly the touchy-feely type, Liv," Amanda teases lightly, blonde eyebrows raising high on her forehead. "I think you might've had too much wine when the guys were here."

"And you're probably the least touchy-feely person I've ever met," Olivia acknowledges with an arched eyebrow of her own. "But I don't see you rushing to move either."

"Because you told me not to," Amanda shoots back as if in challenge, a slight edge to her tone now.

"Yeah, and you're always so good at listening to what I say and doing what you're told." Olivia rolls her eyes and then adds hastily, "Not that you have to stay here if you feel uncomfortable, of course."

"I don't feel uncomfortable," Amanda says softly, sounding a bit more at ease again. "I just wanted to make sure you didn't feel that way."

"I don't," Olivia assures her, although her heart is still pumping at a rhythm that is much higher than normal due to their close proximity with one another.

"Okay, well, I'm glad we've established that neither one of us is uncomfortable," Amanda replies casually, a slight awkwardness residing beneath the nonchalance. "So how come we've never done this before if we're both so comfortable with it, then?"

"Probably because it's frowned upon for a detective and a lieutenant to be snuggling together," Olivia remarks with a deliberate breeziness, running a concerned hand through Amanda's hair as she watches the other woman turn her face away as if in shame or shyness. "But like I said, I really don't mind. Maybe it's something we should do more often."

"What's gotten into you tonight, Liv?" Amanda asks in amusement, a small snicker sputtering from her lips. "That wine has really gone to your head, hasn't it?"

"No, it hasn't. It's just nice to be close to someone for a change," Olivia argues in a hushed voice, a spike of her usual loneliness piercing through her chest and choosing not to elaborate any further on the subject as she fixes her gaze on the silent television screen.

"It definitely is," she hears Amanda agree with a quiet vehemence, feeling smooth fingertips grazing her chin and chancing a glance downwards at the woman who is staring up at her with an unreadable expression on her face. "But are you speaking in broader terms here, Liv, or about me, specifically? Like, would you be fine with being close to just anyone right now?"

"Well, I don't have the urge to cuddle up on my couch with Fin or Carisi, if that's what you mean," Olivia answers dryly, aware that the slow change that has been taking place in her friendship with Amanda over the past several years has suddenly veered off course and seems to be exploding into something more. "I think it would be weird if either of them had their head in my lap right now."

"But it's not weird that I do?" Amanda clarifies very softly, Olivia nodding in assurance and her throat growing dry as those nimble fingers dance across her cheekbone before threading into the thick, dark hair that is resting on her shoulders.

Before Olivia can fully comprehend what is happening, she finds her head being gently pulled down so that she is face to face with Amanda, their eyes meeting again in a searing look and her breath catching as the younger woman's lips capture her own in a tremulous kiss. She responds instantly, returning the gesture with an enthusiasm that takes her by surprise, their lips melding together more firmly and any hesitance melting away as their mouths caress against each other like this is something they are used to doing and it is not the first time.

When they finally pull away to catch their breaths, Olivia is panting with exertion and her heart feels like it's about to burst right from her ribs with the force it is pounding with, Amanda gasping audibly beneath her and the detective's cheeks sporting a pretty pink blush. For a moment they just stare at one another again, brown eyes boring intensely into blue, as if both women are astounded by the unexpected romantic turn that their professional relationship and growing friendship has just taken.

"So you're absolutely sure you don't have the urge to do this with Fin or Carisi?" Amanda mumbles after the silence threatens to turn awkward again, the corner of her lip quirking up in a mischievous smirk. "I'm just checking to see if it's actually me that you want to be close to and you're not just doing this because you're lonely and I'm the convenient choice."

A laugh bubbles up inside of Olivia's chest and expels from her mouth in an amused and slightly hurt snort, smoothing a hand through Amanda's hair in an attempt to diminish any insecurities that she might have. "I can assure you that if either one of the guys were here right now instead of you, we would most likely be sitting at opposite ends of the living room and would definitely not be making out like crazy on my couch. And apparently you need to be reminded that _you_ were the one who initiated the kiss, not me."

"Well, I _did_ say that I enjoy being close to you too," Amanda murmurs in return as Olivia finds her face being tugged down once more and their lips crushing together in a kiss that has her head spinning with pleasure and her body responding in kind, sweat beading on her skin and a trickle of moisture forming at the juncture of her thighs. "Do you think we should take this into your bedroom?"

"Whoa, aren't we moving a little too quickly here?" Olivia protests even as a ragged moan of desire escapes her throat before she can stop it. "You seem to be worried that I'm just acting out of loneliness and I'm picking you because you're the most convenient choice, so shouldn't we talk about this before going any further?"

"Well, yeah, we probably should," Amanda agrees with what sounds like distinct disappointment, the other woman's hand tracing sensual patterns up and down Olivia's side. "It's just that I was dreaming about you before waking up with my head in your lap, so I was already pretty hot and bothered. And now I feel like...well, you make me feel..."

Amanda is stumbling over her words like she can't quite figure out how to properly articulate what's on her mind, and Olivia is sure that they are feeling exactly the same way; her own heart still racing madly and her thoughts spiraling out of control when she dares to think about taking the next step with the other woman. Instead of yanking Amanda to her feet and leading her into the bedroom like Olivia has the impulse to do, she wraps an arm around the detective's trim waist and gently pulls her into a sitting position so they are perched side by side on the couch.

"You were dreaming about me?" she inquires softly, nudging Amanda with her elbow and waggling her eyebrows up and down. "What was the dream about?"

"What do you think?" Amanda chuckles as she swipes a hand over her damp forehead, the younger woman looking just as hot and bothered as she claims to be, and Olivia's gaze drifting down to the tantalizing hint of cleavage that is peeking out from the top of her shirt. "It was the same kind of dream that I've had a lot of lately."

"I have those kind of dreams too," Olivia admits quietly, clasping Amanda's hand with her own and lacing their fingers together before giving a tender squeeze.

"Really?" Amanda's voice is very low now, the mirth and arousal fading somewhat from those big blue eyes and being replaced with a seriousness that has her brow wrinkling.

"Yes, really," Olivia whispers as she feathers Amanda's knotted blonde hair away from her face, stroking a thumb up and down her temple. "I do feel lonely sometimes and I want to be close to you both physically and emotionally, but I would never use you to fill a void in my life, Amanda. My feelings for you are very real and I've had them for a long time. Complete with the erotic dreams and everything else."

Amanda lets out an uncharacteristically girlish giggle at this statement, and Olivia feels a toned arm looping around her shoulders and pulling her closer, those cerulean orbs dancing with mischief once again. "Just how erotic are these dreams, Liv? Like what exactly is happening in them? I want to hear all the juicy details. And what did you mean by 'everything else'? Care to elaborate on that?"

A fiery red blush is making its way across Olivia's cheeks once again, and she tries to avoid meeting that blatantly curious stare from her detective, Amanda's finger poking insistently into her ribs and making her jump. "Liv? You said we needed to talk about things instead of continuing this in the bedroom, so let's talk. Tell me what you meant. Do you think of me when you're alone and doing naughty things to yourself in private? Is that what you mean?"

 _"Amanda,"_ Olivia groans out in embarrassment at the gentle taunting of the other woman's voice, the obvious arousal simmering just underneath the teasing. "Don't ask me that."

"I'll take that as a yes," Amanda crows as Olivia feels plush lips pressing against her cheek and trailing over to the corner of her mouth, the younger woman's hand taking a firm hold of her chin. "It's getting me hot and bothered all over again just thinking of you doing that to yourself, Liv. Maybe you'll let me watch sometime soon, if you're not ready to take things all the way just yet. We can start out slow."

Olivia practically chokes in amazement at this response, her gaze finally swinging back to meet Amanda's and noticing the mixture of desire and challenge swirling in those huge eyes that appear much darker than usual. "Do you actually consider watching me touch myself 'starting out slow'?"

"Well, slow _er_ ," Amanda corrects before placing her lips fully against Olivia's again, the next sentence breathed into her open mouth and causing another intense wave of arousal to wash over her. "It's not the same as going all the way because I wouldn't be touching you, I would just be observing _very_ closely." There is a brief pause, as if Amanda is turning something over in her mind before speaking again. "I alternate between speeds when I'm doing the same thing while thinking about you. Sometimes I like to take my time with myself and sometimes I go faster. It depends on what I'm in the mood for and what I'm using...whether it's my fingers or a toy."

Olivia's underwear is completely soaked through now, her brain on overdrive and about to explode with the carnal thoughts that are whirling around inside, and it is all she can do to keep from throwing Amanda down onto the couch and devouring her as she pictures the detective bringing such intense pleasure to herself. The younger woman has tossed a leg over her lap and is grinding her pelvis lightly into the side of Olivia's thigh, lips pressing into her neck and tongue poking out to trace wet figure-eights over skin that is pebbled with goosebumps, a shiver running down her spine.

Olivia's head is thrusting back against the cushion as her eyelids flutter closed and she becomes lost in the incredible sensations that are coursing through her body and threatening to consume her, stunned at what has transpired simply because Amanda had decided to stay a bit later than the guys and they had accidentally fallen asleep on the couch together. She knows they have a lot more to discuss and should be putting another halt to Amanda's lustful actions, but before she can stop herself, Olivia is moving her hips in time with the blonde woman's as they slide quickly against each other while their lips collide yet again, a delicious feeling of warmth coiling low in her belly.

"You're making this very difficult, Amanda," she grunts out in mock irritation as their movements become more frantic and needy. "We're supposed to be talking right now."

"Well, I'm not stopping you," Amanda gasps into her mouth, Olivia's stomach fluttering when she hears the whimper of arousal that sounds as they grind harder against one another. "Go ahead and talk. I'm listening."

"You know, maybe this conversation can wait until later," she finally concedes, Amanda humming approvingly while placing a sloppy line of kisses down her neck and Olivia leaning her head back even further to give her better access. "There's plenty of time to talk..."

"Afterwards," the smaller woman immediately supplies when Olivia trails off. "I think that's an excellent decision, Liv."

"Yeah, I bet you do," she replies dryly, her heart hammering in her chest with nervous anticipation as she lets her mind wander to what the rest of the night will bring.

When Olivia manages to pry herself away from Amanda's lips long enough to stand up from the couch, she holds out a trembling arm to the younger woman, a smile of exhilaration stretching across her face when the detective grasps onto her fingers and gets to her feet, their hands clasped tightly together as they hurry into the bedroom.


	32. A Surprising Turn of Events Part 2

**A/N #1 : I got a few requests to continue the last chapter, so this update directly follows the previous one. There will be another follow-up chapter after this one as well.  
**

 ** _This chapter is rated M for explicit sexual content, so please be aware of that before reading any further_. **

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 **A/N #2 - August 17th, 2018 : I have decided not to continue with the "Short & Sweet" series, so this will be the final update. Sorry to those of you who were waiting for a follow-up to this chapter. Thank you to everyone who has read, reviewed, followed and favorited this series; I appreciate it very much.  
**

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 **Title : A Surprising Turn of Events Part 2 **

**Genre : Friendship/romance**

 **Rating : M**

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Amanda's heart is thumping wildly inside her chest as they reach the doorway of Olivia's bedroom, the inner sanctum of the lieutenant's apartment and a place she has never actually set foot in before, despite being invited to her boss' home many times over the years with the rest of the team. She barely acknowledges the decor of the room after they stumble over to the mattress in a tangle of limbs and panting breaths, Olivia clumsily flicking on the nightstand lamp so there is just enough light to see what they're doing and preventing the two women from hurting themselves in their eagerness to devour one another.

They end up flopping unceremoniously onto the bed together, overcome with soft giggles and moans of arousal, in disbelief at how quickly things have escalated between them; Amanda experiencing a combination of amusement, nervousness and rapidly heightening desire as they forgo the serious conversation they should be having in favor of satisfying their needs. Her lips are attacking Olivia's neck as she climbs up the brunette's curvy figure, straddling the waist of the taller woman who is splayed wantonly across the sheets beneath her and scraping her teeth very gently against skin that tastes of coconut body wash mixed with a hint of salt.

Amanda feels Olivia's body freeze suddenly underneath her own, and she stops abruptly in her mission to cover the older woman's neck with as many kisses as possible, pulling back slightly to look down into large dark eyes that are glittering with a growing passion and a hint of uncertainty. "Too fast?" she gasps out, trying to catch her breath as they stare at one another through a haze of lust, Amanda's panties pasted to the juncture of her thighs with moisture.

"Uh, yeah, maybe a little," she hears Olivia admit through the other woman's ragged exhalation, the expression on her flushed face somewhat sheepish now.

"Remember my idea for slowing things down a bit?" Amanda replies with a sensual grin, swiping an errant strand of hair away from Olivia's forehead and trailing tender fingertips over her cheekbone.

Her response is met with an arched eyebrow from Olivia and cheeks that grow redder beneath her touch, Amanda able to feel the heat radiating from the brunette's face. "Hmm, yes, how could I forget? And I'm still not sure how you came to the conclusion that watching me touch myself is considered 'slowing things down'."

"Well, it was just a helpful suggestion to make things more comfortable for you," Amanda teases lightly, leaning down again to give Olivia's neck another playful nip with her teeth.

"Wow, isn't it nice of you to be so considerate of my feelings and state of comfort?" Olivia snorts out with a roll of her eyes, Amanda giving a surprised squeak with she feels the other woman's long fingers digging into her ribs and tickling hard.

"Yeah, I thought I was being quite chivalrous," she chuckles mischievously, squirming in an effort to escape Olivia's roving fingers but unable to slide off the larger frame when Olivia seems determined not to let go.

"You know, maybe we should turn the tables here," the lieutenant remarks casually, Amanda coming to a halt astride Olivia's hips and quirking a curious eyebrow at her.

"Oh, yeah? What did you have in mind?"

"Since everything is happening way too quickly between us and you seem to think that indulging in some _self-love_ will actually slow things down, maybe you can start us off." Olivia's voice is still carrying that casual air of indifference, like she is unconcerned with how the rest of the night will proceed, although Amanda can see the blatant arousal simmering in the dark depths of that challenging stare. "After all, it _was_ your idea. So I think I'm going to let you go first."

Amanda is momentarily dumbfounded by this proposal, her brow wrinkling and her heart racing out of control as Olivia abandons her tickle torture and slides deftly from beneath her smaller body, the brunette getting settled against the pillows that are piled high along the headboard. She regards Olivia intently as the other woman places her arms behind her head and crosses her legs at the ankle like she is settling in to watch a movie, and lets out a shaky cough as that ever-escalating desire threatens to rise up and consume her.

"So, um, let me be clear on this," Amanda whispers raggedly, her hands drifting to the hem of her shirt and twisting the material around in her sweaty grip. "You're just going to sit there and watch me get myself off?"

"Sure, if that's what you're comfortable with," Olivia replies smoothly, an impish smile playing at the corners of her lips. "After all, you had no problem voicing the same suggestion for me. And I won't participate at all, I'll just be observing your actions _very_ closely."

Amanda smirks as Olivia echoes nearly the same words back to her that she had said in the living room earlier, a stab of exhilaration piercing through the hesitancy as she lets go of her shirt and runs the palm of her hand very quickly between her legs. She can feel the heat emanating through each layer of clothing, a dampness seeping through both her underwear and pants as she rubs lightly again, observing the look of wonder and surprise on Olivia's face, like the older woman didn't think she would actually go through with it.

"I'm really wet, Liv," she admits in a very soft voice, tracing her tongue languidly around her lips before tucking it back inside her mouth and biting down on a grin now that she appears to have the upper hand again.

Olivia simply nods in response without giving a verbal reply, the other woman's body slackening on the sheets and her thighs drawing closer together like she is trying to ease the ache residing between the toned muscles.

"I'm pretty sure I've soaked right through everything I'm wearing at this point," Amanda confesses with a breathy laugh, pressing harder against the juncture of her thighs and noticing how Olivia's eyes avidly follow the gestures of her hand, jumping slightly when she locates the seam of her pants with her fingertips and the movement puts a delicious pressure on her tiny bundle of nerves.

"Well, that must not be very comfortable," Olivia murmurs in a hushed tone, beads of moisture standing out along her forehead as they gaze at one another with rapt attention. "Maybe you just should take it all off, if everything is so wet."

"Yeah, maybe I should," Amanda muses as she pretends to give the situation some thought, her mind still whirling in amazement at everything that has transpired since she had woken up on the couch with her head in Olivia's lap.

"I mean, it definitely can't hurt," the older woman continues with a shrug of one shoulder, another laugh bubbling up in Amanda's throat at Olivia's attempt to act so laid-back in these extraordinary circumstances.

"Nope, it can probably only help," Amanda agrees lightly, slowly easing a finger from her other hand beneath the waistband of her pants, and her confidence soaring at Olivia's obvious interest. "No one likes sitting in sopping wet clothing, right?"

"Well, I sure don't," she hears her boss mutter under her breath, both eyebrows raising high at this unexpected answer.

"Feeling a little wet yourself there, Liv?" Amanda teases as she feels the deluge of desire just underneath the spot that her hand is resting. "You know, maybe it would be a good idea if we both got out of these damp clothes at the same time. Seems fair, doesn't it? I mean, since we're both aiming to be as comfortable as possible tonight."

Her heart is pounding with excitement at the thought of stripping naked in tandem with Olivia, fully revealing herself to the woman she has had very deep feelings for since arriving in New York all those years ago, and being there to witness Olivia doing the same. It has been an evening of revelations, in both body and soul for the two women, and Amanda is breathless with anticipation as she watches Olivia straighten up against the pillows and lean forward slightly on the mattress, as if she is about to take Amanda up on her offer.

"Yes, I suppose it's perfectly fair," the older woman replies faintly, Amanda taking note of the direction of Olivia's gaze; the lieutenant's wide eyes still fixated on the hand that is placed between her legs.

She gives another light rub, her back arching and a moan escaping her mouth as the tips of her fingers make contact with their intended source through her pants and scrape right across her tingling bud, the encased flesh distended and begging to be touched by fingers that are not her own. Amanda hears an answering moan from Olivia in return, an _"Oh, fuck, Liv"_ falling from her lips when she sees the brunette's hand hovering at the juncture of her own thighs, Olivia beginning to rub back and forth just as Amanda is doing to herself.

She has the brief and somewhat amusing thought that they aren't going to get very far with their seduction of each other; that it's going to end in mere minutes with both of them exploding on opposite sides of the bed while still fully dressed and not even engaging in any physical contact. Amanda scoots closer to Olivia on sheets that are becoming more rumpled by the second, gratified when their knees are at least brushing against one another as they continue to pleasure themselves, but wishing she was touching a different part of Olivia's body instead.

She trails her fingers away from her core and slides them down her leg, hesitating for only a fraction of a second before transferring the wandering digits to Olivia's jean-clad thigh and pleased to hear the sharp intake of breath that sounds from the older woman in response. Amanda decides to take a chance and glides her fingers very lightly across the rough material of Olivia's pants, slowly making her way inward until she settles her palm right over the brunette's hand and they both pause at the same time.

There are no words spoken as both women sit there and stare at each other as if transfixed, the air punctuated with ragged breaths and slight whimpers, their hands remaining connected until Amanda watches Olivia bite down on her lower lip and feels the lieutenant carefully remove her hand from beneath her own. With Olivia's clothing now the only barrier left between her fingers and the heat emanating from the juncture of her boss' thighs, Amanda lets her fingers roam, delicately caressing the pads of the digits in small circles along the seam of the other woman's jeans and drawing a moan of pleasure from Olivia's mouth.

She can't help the prolonged groan that escapes her lips in return, heavy-lidded blue eyes lingering on Olivia's face and her heart racing wildly as Amanda intently observes each minute reaction caused by her stimulation, the taller figure shuddering noticeably as she presses harder. Her hand drifts upward as she moves to sit directly beside Olivia instead of across from her, fingers dancing around the button of the older woman's jeans and smiling at the slight nod of assent she receives before undoing Olivia's pants and slowly sliding the zipper down.

Amanda's jaw drops in stunned surprise as she begins slipping her hand inside and her fingertips brush against the crotch of white cotton panties, her actions swiftly interrupted by Olivia who bats her hand out of the way and pulls her underwear and jeans off in one fell swoop, tossing the garments over the side of the bed where they hit the floor with an audible plop. Amanda is utterly speechless as she watches Olivia open her legs and gets a tantalizing peak of the glistening wetness that is coating tanned inner thighs, her gaze traveling to the neatly trimmed dark mound between them and lingering there, unable to look away.

"Getting a little impatient, are we?" Amanda's tone is meant to be teasing but her voice is so raspy with arousal, she can barely speak. "Hard to believe that you were the one who was so eager for conversation, Liv."

"I think we've already agreed that the discussion can wait until later," Olivia replies huskily, Amanda swallowing against the large lump that has risen in her throat when trembling olive fingers wrap around her wrist and drag her hand closer again. "I need you right _now_."

"Yes, I can see that," Amanda chokes out, her eyes still glued to Olivia's core, and the evidence of the other woman's desire turning her on even more. "God, you're so wet."

"I thought we were supposed to be losing our clothes at the same time," Olivia gasps in a whine as Amanda runs the tip of her finger very lightly along the inside of one shaking, damp thigh, the brunette giving a quick jerk at the intimate contact.

"One thing at a time here, Liv," Amanda chastises with a breathy chuckle as she grazes the crease where Olivia's thigh and groin meet, eliciting another sharp jolt that is accompanied by a strangled sound of lust. "You're being a little demanding, especially for someone who actually wanted to talk things through first."

"Ugh, Amanda, _enough_ ," Olivia groans in a garbled, anxious tone, and before she can say another word, Amanda puts a halt to the playful torment by pressing her entire palm flat against Olivia's core, her fingers instantly drenched with the lieutenant's arousal.

A high-pitched moan of pleasure reaches her ears as Amanda holds her hand there for a moment before beginning to move, Olivia's hips undulating beneath her touch as she slips her fingers up soaked lower lips to circle around the hard pink bud that is protruding from its hood. Olivia's head is thrown back against the pillows, her breathing shallow and her legs spreading wider as Amanda deepens her touch, and she doesn't know how much longer she can hold out before erupting, Olivia's flesh slippery and warm on her fingers as they hover at her slick opening.

"Amanda, _please_."

She doesn't want to make Olivia beg anymore, aware that her boss is just as needy for relief as she herself is, Amanda easing one digit and then two inside the tight passage while her other hand moves to the waistband of her own pants. She swiftly plunges beneath the garment, barely brushing her underwear before her fingers have breached the flimsy material and are ducking below them too, shocked at the size of the sticky pool of liquid she encounters.

Amanda is growing wetter by the second as she stimulates both Olivia and herself, so aroused that she is unable to wait her turn, sucking in a loud breath when her fingers slide in and are immediately enveloped in her own pulsing heat. She can feel Olivia's swollen walls fluttering around her fingers as the older woman grips onto her forearm hard enough to leave bruises, Amanda thrusting deeper and rewarded by a muffled scream as Olivia turns her head to the side to bury her face in her shoulder.

She can smell the musky scent of their arousal mingling together, soft grunts and whimpers echoing throughout the room as Amanda feels Olivia tightening around her fingers and her own muscles clenching in response, knowing that neither one of them is going to last much longer. She leans over to crush her lips hastily into Olivia's, tongues tangling with each other when the brunette opens her mouth at Amanda's gentle probing and slender fingers glide into her blonde hair, giving a slight tug when Amanda's thumb swipes at Olivia's sensitive bundle of nerves.

They rock into each other with increasingly desperate movements as the impending explosions draw closer, Amanda determined to tip them both over the edge at the exact same time, and her wish granted when she feels Olivia's lips go slack against her mouth as the curvy figure suddenly freezes before bucking wildly. Her own body stiffens instantly, the orgasm slamming into her with so much force that for a moment she sits there stock-still on the mattress with her fingers trapped between her own legs and Olivia's, before writhing in ecstasy on the sheets and practically taking a tumble off the bed with the strength of her enthusiasm.

Amanda feels Olivia's hand locking around her arm in an effort to keep her from falling to the floor, her fingers still tucked deeply inside of her boss as the older woman shouts in climax, and before she can even begin to come down from her high, she finds herself sprawled across with the sheets with Olivia straddling her waist. Their lips are immediately fused together again, kissing with a fervor that has Amanda's heart threatening to burst right from her rib cage as she pants breathlessly into Olivia's mouth, straining to hear what the other woman is trying to say when Olivia pulls away slightly.

"I need to touch you too, Amanda," Olivia is gasping amidst sucking in lungfuls of air, Amanda raising her hips eagerly when she feels strong hands scrabbling at her waistband, and her pants and underwear being dragged down her legs at the same time.

The garments are tossed to the floor with the equivalent lack of care that Olivia had discarded her own, a loud moan of arousal ripping from Amanda's throat as that rampant lust and desire rise up again and she realizes that she is not yet satiated. Her eyes squeeze tightly shut and her fingers grip the sheets so hard that she practically rips them right off the mattress as Olivia raises her shirt over her bra and starts planting wet, open-mouthed kisses across her trembling stomach.

"Oh _god_ , Liv," Amanda breathes out on a sigh of feverish anticipation, her entire body tingling from head to toe and her brain buzzing with elation when Olivia very slowly begins moving her lips lower.


End file.
